full blown soap opera (what the actual fuck)

We eloped. Well, kind of. GC picked me up, father told me I was a whore and cutting all ties with him by going with GC and that's it.
Now I'm at GC's place... And you know what? I only feel bad because I don't feel bad. I can breathe freely again. I feel at home again. I even realised that one is able to miss a person as well as their smell. It's like this primeval instinct deep inside that connects smells with people and situations and in this case, security and bliss.
There is but one storm cloud at the horizon: father. He has now jumped from angry patriarch to concerned disappointed dad whose daughter rudely left without introducing her boyfriend. Oh excuse me, who sent him out of the fucking house? Who told me that what I was about to do was whoring and that I was never to set a foot in his house again? Who absolutely reject us both?
Now, it doesn't help that the three of us know the true story. If he starts telling people his version, they'll be inclined to believe him rather than two young people who seem to be in a dispute with him. So there we go. Hypocrisy at its finest. First he preaches about honesty and morals and whatnot and then he goes around contradicting every single fucking rule he set. I just love my family.

/P.

get me lingerie

I have the most awesome Christmas present idea for GC. And I'm really excited to see what he thinks of it. It's not much, just a bunch of small gifts but I think they're pretty cool, so... yeah. I'm confident he'll like it. :)

/P.

lemon soap

Ever since the Sads kicked in I keep getting the urge to cry because of every tiny thing that goes wrong. This morning I had a fit of anger and threw my clothes all over my room and then cleaned it up again, ashamed at my behaviour. Then I proceeded to glide into a state of apathetic stupor, then I went to school, almost cried at the sight of GC... not because of him but more because I needed a hug real bad and there was no time and I felt so helpless and stupid because I couldn't tell him what I wanted. Now I'm waiting for my break to be over so I can go play volleyball and ruin my wrist for the nth time because I can't seem to get anything right these days.
All I want is to snuggle up in a warm bed and have GC hug me tight and then I want to wake up after a good long sleep feeling refreshed and strong.

/P.

mandarines and chocolate

I feel fat.
I know I'm not. In fact, considering that I do close to no exercise at all, my figure is pretty great.
And yet I feel fat. Not obese, but fat. Fat as in no muscle. Fat as in my stomach and arms feel soft even when I tense them. Fat as in I ate too much fondue this evening and I feel like there's a lump of cheese at the bottom of my stomach that's pulling me towards the ground and making me feel like puking.
That kind of fat.

I'm finally staying over at GC's again on Thursday. I can't wait. And then I'm leaving for two weeks.... ughhh.

/P.

how many muffin? - yes.

Weirdly enough I'm not looking forward to the holidays at all. I want to stay here and have fun. I know I sound like a spoiled brat but that's just how it is.
I don't enjoy staying with my father because I constantly need to be on guard. Did I say something that could be used against me? Did I remember to smile when I said good morning? Is it okay to wear my hair like this? Can my voice be mistaken to have an aggressive undertone? Would it be rude and ungrateful to say that I want to spend my holidays with other people?
I think you get my point.

I'm planning to convince my father that I absolutely must leave four days before school starts so I can spend some time with GC and perhaps even LR if she's available. It would be awesome. Though what would be even more awesome is GC's and my elopement plan which involves him carrying me off into the dark night on Sylvester. Come on, picture it. The faces they'd make... Daydreaming is okay. It really is. As long as I know I need to wake up at some point (and I do for now).

/P.

NSFW so basically don't read this unless you're seriously interested in my sex life

I don't usually talk about sex directly, but it's one of the awesome things on earth if you do it right (or if you're done right, idk). Just wanted to put this out there. And sometimes if you take shower together before and you're in a really good mood it might get a bit corny before you get horny but yeah it's awesome. Just saying.

Maybe sex is something you need to grow up to to get it right, or maybe I just didn't feel enough desire towards my exes - but he's the first guy to make me this horny. Plus I don't mind blowing him, while I was seriously grossed out by FB's dick (though maybe that was because he was a smoker).

It's like I enjoy making him feel good not just because I know he'll make me feel good too, but for his sake. Plus it's great fun to tease him. Though I haven't managed to push him over the brink yet. Like, tease him so bad that he pounces at me without any self-control left.

And then there's the casual talk about sex. I don't mind talking to him about it. I don't mind telling him about my fantasies and whatnot. I don't mind trying new things, either. The inhibitions I used to have are gone (except for one which is anal but yeah well).

Or maybe, just maybe, it's all because I'm so happy when I'm with him. He puts me in a good mood almost all the time, despite the Sads. I just like to spend time with him, no matter in what way.

TL;DR: I'm very satisfied with my sex life and the changes to it and I'm happy.

/P.

drawing his face isn't as easy as i thought

I miss my painting utensils. I need to get them after the holidays or I'll go crazy. I need to paint something other than the absolutely shitty projects we are being assigned by our art teacher.

Tomorrow's Friday which means that I can finally go to the bookstore!! Yaaay!! I have to get letter paper and at least two crime novels or at least a thriller or something. I've been deprived of proper books for far too long. Ah so much to do, so much to do.......

/P.

red ribbons on my desk

I need to learn how to stand up to my father. It simply can' be that hard, can it? And yet I still haven't managed, have I.

The sky is beautiful tonight. I can see hundreds of stars, it's amazing. I'm used to cloudy, obscure skies back "home", but this... this is beautiful. So many stars.

He looked so happy to have found a new music mix. It's so adorable how he can get excited over little things. It makes me so happy that he's the way he is, so genuine, so... ugh I can't begin to explain. I just love him, I guess. And it's doing weird things to me. Surprisingly pleasant, but nevertheless weird. Maybe because I'm not used to being granted this much happiness. I'm not complaining though. I wouldn't have it any other way.

/P.

i wanna feel you exhale my name onto my neck

What amazes me is the extent of his worrying about me. He worries as soon as I hide my face or don't say anything for a tad too long. Sometimes he's wrong and I'm just dreaming or staring ahead for no reason, but mostly he's right. I just don't admit it 80% of the time. I don't want to be nuisance, and I also don't want to indulge in my sadness because ignoring it actually makes it better. Temporarily. But it's a start.

The weekends are far too short. I can't wait to be able to spend more time with him without thinking about school work or having to wake up early the next morning. Though I'm already grateful for what we have now. I feel so comfortable with him. I don't mind him seeing me trudge to the toilet looking like a zombie in the morning, he doesn't mind me seeing him when he's weak... Neither of us needs to pretend. We make awful jokes, poke fun at each other, we generally act like idiots and we have tons of fun while we're at it. Basically like best friends who also happen to love each other in all ways possible. I'm not scared of not being good enough, you know what I mean? I just want to - and can! - be me. With all my traits; be it good or bad ones. And it's great. It's really great.

We made the cookies today, I can't believe it took us so long. But they turned out really tasty so it was worth it. All the more reason fro me to stay over next weekend too and gobble them up ;)

/P.

"don't be sad"

I know he means well, and I know he worries about me, and I know he just wants to see me happy. I know that. But it's still annoying to have people tell you "not to be sad". It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. I don't want to be sad. If I could change my mood I would, believe me.
What I need you to do is hug me and whisper into my ear that everything will be okay. Or just lie/sit/stand with me in silence and hold me. Just hold me. Don't let me disappear.

wooden heart

The exams were boring as fuck, I kept falling asleep after completing the tasks - what others needed one hour for I had finished in twenty minutes and I wasn't allowed to leave the room before all the others had finished so go figure how infinitely bored I was. So I kind of just caught up with the sleep I'd missed in the morning since I had to wake up at 5 a.m. to be in Chur at 7:30. And then I did my homework at GC's place and waited for him to come home and then I went to sleep because I was exhausted.

And then came the nightmares. I haven't had them in ages (and when I say in ages I mean like one and a half years at least). They were the same as back then. Recurring nightmares. I hate them. So naturally I slept really badly and felt like shit in the morning but I had to force GC out of bed because he had a music rehearsal. And then I went back t sleep, kept waking up but not that often. GC woke me up at 1:00 p.m. when he'd come back from rehearsals and by then I guess I had gotten just enough sleep to function. An espresso did the rest of the job, thank God.

Then I kept trying to suppress outbursts of tears because the Sads have kicked in as I already said. I felt better later because we went for a walk and then had a shower and stuff so the pressure went away mostly but that doesn't change the fact that I've gotten worse so tomorrow I'm calling my psychotwat and telling her to recommend me to someone over here.

So yeah. Sorry for the rant. I need to get all the negative stuff out of my system or one day I swear I'll explode.

Nevertheless I had fun today, at least for the past few hours - it was really sunny today and we made cookie dough for tomorrow to bake, I'm looking forward to it. It feels surreal - surreal but wonderful - that even though it's Sunday I don't have to rush back to the dorms. I can just relax and stay here and be with GC. Me likey.

/P.

intro vs rainymood - the xx

Wow I was so tired today I almost fell asleep during lunch break. Okay I did fall asleep but it was for like 5 minutes so it was more of a power nap than anything else.
Tomorrow's finally Friday!! And that means that I'm staying over at GC's again ^-^ All the way until Monday, this time. Mmmm long weekend. Me likey.

I've been writing poetry again lately, but it feels different. More abstract and less rhymes. Tumblr influence? Maybe. I miss my old writing though.

The Sads have kicked in, but it doesn't feel like the usual Sads. They're far less intense, so to speak. It's been going on for at least two or three weeks. It's just becoming harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm tearing up and stuff. Sometimes it's so bad that I can't say anything because I know my voice will break and I'll start crying like a baby.

My half-sister sent me loads of "kisiel" by post and I'm eating away and it makes me ridiculously happy. Haven't had it in ages. Good stuff. Good times. :)

Aaand on Monday I have half a day off so GC and I are planning to make a shit ton of Christmas cookies which will be epic and tasty and ah life isn't bad at all it's pretty great in fact if it weren't for the Sads... I'm so happy, you see, despite the Sads. I can laugh and I feel good. Which is awesome. (That doesn't change the fact that I need to stand up to my father and speak my mind or I'll never break free)

/P.

you're evil. - i know.

I enjoy bullying him. I like to see how far I can push him. And he bears with it heroically, I must admit. gosh the things he has to deal with when he's with me... I almost feel sorry for him, but then again he hasn't really complained yet so I guess it's fine. He's the type to speak his mind.
But then again I can't bear to see him sad. It's painful.
D used to say that I'm too empathetic but I think it's more - or is it simpler? - than that. I care for him, and I care with him.

/P.

snapchat

I'm beginning to feel very comfortable with being myself in public. As in: being awkward, discussing male vs female hotness, getting angry and telling people they annoy me without bottling it up, doodling smileys on other people's papers, blowing kisses to BS when we're hating on each other, making sex jokes and googling "dirty sanchez" because it seemed to be  funny idea. It's not that I was pretending to be someone else before, it's more like I'm opening up more. I've stopped holding back. I'm my old impulsive self again, I guess :)

Not everyone takes it well, of course, but they'll get used to it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I'm not here for their entertainment, to put it simply.

/P.

secret santa

It's Christmas soon and as always I have no idea what presents to get. And when. I might go next Saturday since I'm in Chur anyway, actually.
I kind of really want to spend Sylvester with GC, but for certain reasons (*cough* my father *cough*) I can't. But I'm determined to stay at his place for at least the last two-three days of the holidays, so. Gosh I can't imagine not seeing him for two whole weeks... Ugh.

We're playing Secret Santa in the dorm and I have one of the young ones and I totally have no idea what she likes so I'm just gonna pile sweets upon her and hope she likes them :P Got her gummy bears today.

I've also gone back to abstract doodling; it relaxes me. I might risk doodling in different colours soon - up until now I've only ever used a pencil. I also need to get on with my sketch book for school (I need to have 15 sketches by the end of the semester and I only have 6) and I have to design my cover which I still haven't done and which also needs to be handed in by the end of the semester, which is soon.

I need to get more sleep this week, or GC will have to put up with me sleeping through the entire weekend at his place ;P

/P.

new friend old friend

I've made an internet friend, go me. Her name is Robyn and she's on tumblr. We don't talk much, just the occasional message, but it's quite interesting to talk to a person I have never met but who has similar interests to mine and just wants to meet new people. I like talking to her.

ZL visited yesterday. It was fun catching up on things. I had half expected it to be a bit awkward but we kind of fell into our old rhythm almost immediately, just like it used to be. Only that we're a bit older and a bit more mature now. Which isn't a problem, of course.

/P.

abridged (and probs romanticized) version of last evening

"What have you done to me?" I ask. His cheek is scratchy under my fingers.
"I should ask you the same thing." He props himself up on one arm. "You make me crazy."
"I love you." It has become easier to say it over time.
"Jeu hai bugen tei", he says back. "I like saying it. It sounds much better than jeu carezzel tei, to be honest." He sighs. "I love you way too much."
I frown. "Can one love too much? Is it a bad thing?"
"That depends on you." He kisses me.
I pull away. "No it doesn't. It you who says it. Why can it be a bad thing?"
Now it's his turn to frown. "I guess... It's because it's dangerous."
My chest tightens. "Well then we're both taking the same risk. So bring it on."
He smiles.
------------------------------
"I don't want to fall asleep alone", he says, and wraps his arms tightly around me. "I don't want you to leave."
"I can't help it", I answer. Doors close at ten, that's the iron rule.
"You know, we see each other every day, but we can never actually do anything."
I smile. "Like what?"
He puffs his cheeks. "There are so many things I want to do with you, so many places I want to go..." He trails off.
"We have the weekends", I say weakly. I know it doesn't count.
"I hate this. I don't want to fall asleep by myself", he says again and hides his face in the pillow. He hugs me tighter yet and I feel his heartbeat against my skin. It's always so incredibly loud; a big, strong heart. Like him.
"Neither do I", I whisper.

So I'm not the only one after all. Not being with him throws me off my regular pace, especially since it's the weekend. I couldn't sleep properly Saturday night because I kept waking up, feeling for his body in the dark, but then realizing that I was in my own room, in my own bed, and not in his. Of course I'll never tell him that. But he feels the same. It's sad and wonderful at the same time.
Ah, young love.

/P.

cambridge, camriver, camhobo

GC went to JB yesterday who's also a boarder so he called me and I just kind of broke down in his arms and cried and I don't know why but it felt really good to let go. I felt much better later, I even slept for four hours. Now I'm in Chur waiting for my turn (oral exams ftw).... And then GC picks me up and we go for kanoe lessons. So that's something to look forward to :)

/P.

my hands are freezing cold again and i have a headache and my chest hurts and i want to curl up and cry this is bad this is very bad i don't want this i hate it when i'm this way why can't it just stop for fucks sake what have i done to deserve this shit i have had enough

kiss me kill me

I want to run away to his place and snuggle up in his bed and be kissed on my forehead tenderly and fall asleep. There's nothing I wish for more right now. I want to hear the soft creak of his bed and the rustling of the plush panda as I shove it over into one corner. I want to smell the familiar soapy smell of his pillow mixed with Axe shampoo. I want to be half asleep and hear him quietly getting up from his desk and undressing and crawling under the covers with me. I want to feel him wrap an arm around me and put his other arm under my head and I want to mumble goodnight to him and I want him to kiss the back of my neck and say sweet dreams. And then I want to fall asleep. Like I do every time. But I can't because fuck this weekend and fuck everything.
It's terrifying how badly you can miss something you're so used to having.

/P.

What's even more terrifying is that one day he might read this and then he'll think I'm an obsessive freak

rahhhh

I don't wanna learn maths

I don't wanna go kanoeing

I don't wanna do my oral exams

I don't wanna stay in the dorm

I wanna relax and have a loooooooooooong bath and stay at GC's and finish watching that bloody movie I've been watching for the past 2 days because I don't have enough time to watch the whole thing in one go and and and and

This weekend will be the worst

/P.

listening to old funk

I have a papercut :(

And he won't kiss it :(

He's too busy writing a short text about his teacher :(

:(

/P.

i just noticed

My last post broke my annual post record 0_0
This is actually really funny because there's close to no-one who cares. But I care and it makes me happy so fuck you :)

/P.

i wonder what he'd look like in a halfway unbuttoned white shirt

Two days sick and I already have half a ton of work to catch up... Damn.

AO isn't coming on Sunday after all, but ZL is so at leat there's that.

I have my oral FCE exam on Saturday which is the most unecessary shit ever but I have to take it since we're a pilot project (I kinda have a déjà-vu?). And next Saturday is the weitten exam. Yaay. Kill me now.

It snowed so much! Everything is brilliant white and pretty and... slippery as hell. Thank God I live in a dorm or I'd break my neck on my way to the station like everybody else :P

/P.

9.5 fun facts about GC

- he sends me snaps of people's butts to cheer me up
- he looks cool when he drives though I don't know why
- he hasn't washed his not-so green shoes in ages and keeps forgetting to
- he has untameable hair despite the kilos of hair gel
- he still hasn't seen this blog thank God
- he likes music nobody else likes except certain psychos like me
- he loves to drink capri sun
- he wanted to call me schmusi but stopped when he heard his dad call one of the dogs that
- he has huge hands
- he has a pair of magnificent buttcheeks

brownie in a mug

One of the cons of being in boarding school is that you can't just walk into the kitchen and open the fridge and take out whatever you want and have a binge party. Sure, we have a small fridge but the only things in there are two packs of vanilla cream powder and a bottle of old tomato sauce, both of which belong to one of the boarders. If I weren't sick and half dead I'd go buy something but I can't so I have the right to complain. I really really really REALLY have the strong urge to eat something sweet.

/P.

piep piep piep

GC wrote to tell me that the book he just finished reading has a happy ending. He didn't have to tell me, and yet he did. And that makes me insanely happy. He shares the little things, small perks in life. It's wonderful.

I have caught a cold, though. My nose is runny and I have a cough and a headache.

And yet nothing can stop me from smiling and feeling content. I'm loved. And I love him back, wonder upon wonders.

/P.

tea time

I went bowling for the first time in ages yesterday. Needless to say, I failed royally :P I had lots of fun though.
Today I'm nursing a mild cold and also GC who seems to be either really hungover or actually down with a food infection. I hope he gets better by this evening - he can't miss too many tests. He's sleeping now, maybe that'll help a bit.

He keeps apologizing for ruining our Sunday, and I keep telling him not to worry. As if he could help it. Big little darling.

/P.

blow me (away)

My room is in serious need of being tidied but I couldn't bother less.

And I'm hungry but dinner's only in two hours. Gaah.

Oh yeah AO and ZL are coming over next Sunday! I haven't seen ZL in around a whole year - ever since she moved to Zurich we haven't really been keeping much contact... But she'll be here, which is cool. I missed her a lot. And AO too, crazy girl.

/P.

bed hair in the morning

I miss falling asleep with him. Even though it's only been a week. I feel so much more at home and secure in his bed than in mine - it's frightening.

/P.

his stubble makes me happy

I noticed that I do the same thing as him - running my fingers over his body, I mean. It just feels like the right thing to do, I don't give it much thought. I just like touching him, feeling him beside me... making sure he's real, I guess.

/P.

"you look like a parrot"

He keeps running his fingers over my body when we're together. Not in an erotic way, he just kind of explores or mindlessly wanders over my skin with his hands. It's incredibly sensual but at the same time it's just plain relaxing and comforting. He can't keep his hands off me. And I don't mind at all.

/P.

ijustwantagoddamnpictureofhimok

How is it that some good-looking people just aren't photogenic? It's bloody annoying.

/P.

dick jokes

Totally rocked a mini maths-test today. I'm so proud of myself! Maybe I'm finally (!) getting the hang of it after all... :)

/P.

ok this is the last post today i promise

I get super motivated when I realise that I'm good at something or finally understand something. Like in maths: I get an equation right at the first try and I'm all like "oh yeah you go girl let's do this shit" and then I kind of tackle the whole page in no time and I feel great and refreshed and... it's just awesome, okay?
Or when I get back a good grade I kind of make a little victory dance inside my head because wow, I did something well! How cool is that? I can do stuff!
And then I immediately feel so motivated to accomplish things and try harder to become successful. It makes me happy to succeed. So that's what I wanna do.

And so I want to end today on a happy note. Not a fake-happy one. A real-happy one.

/P.

sorry for posting so much but i have a lot on my mind

I wish I could use this site as a cry for help. Not in the suicidal way, just a beacon to say that I'm not okay and that I need a wordless hug. Just hug me, don't mention anything. It's worth more that way.
The thing is, the people who can make me feel better don't read this.
Of course I could just tell them. But you see, I hate admitting that I'm weak and sad and bitter. Sure, I can talk about it here, but that's because I'm not talking to anyone in particular. It's more like talking to myself. I don't need to face people and look them in the eyes and say "hey you know what I feel like shit but I'm too cowardly to tell you and prefer to wallow in self-pity on my pointless blog instead". I don't need to admit that I need help and reassurance.

I don't want my mum to worry about me on top of all the crap my brother's been up to. I don't want my boyfriend to have to listen to my endless complaining and grow tired of me - I don't want him to see me in this state because he already couldn't put up with it when his ex was like that (and if that isn't the best fucking motivation to stay "happy" I don't know what is). I don't want my father to know anything about me because he'll somehow turn it against me or my mum and that definitely doesn't make things better, either.

It's not a trust thing. It's a being-scared-of-being-looked-down-upon-and-rejected thing. So don't take it personally if I don't talk to you about my issues in person. I'm sorry.

/P.

hei.

He knows I run a blog and also threatened to read it.
Though I wonder if he ever will. I kinda doubt it.
If he does, he's bound to find some fucked up shit here.
Sorry in advance... ^^

/P.

i like the way you look at me and smile

Wow, I really have a talent for making myself cry.
One minute I'm reading a sappy story, the next I'm in tears because my imagination goes wild and I imagine what a break-up would look like. So yeah, go me for being an optimistic, sane person. Yeah.

I need reassurance. A warm hug. A certain someone's bony shoulder to cry on.
Though... crying seems so wrong and out of place. I should be happy and smiling and fabulous.
So make me smile?

/P.

i'm gonna do ya

It's funny how one minute I'm full of insecurities and the next second I'm on top of the world, all confident and happy.

He's always surrounded by music. And warmth. And the smell of Hugo Boss aftershave (which is kinda sexy).

Still can't decide who's sexier - G or his alter-ego J (aka GC with glasses versus GC without glasses). Thank God I can have both either way :P

/P.

"kuschelbär"

I can't help but admire his body from time to time. And then think that wow, that's "mine", so to speak. I want to draw him someday.
This sounds awfully shallow and probably really creepy, but I don't know how to describe it in any other words than these...

/P.

monkey passion

GC told me his ex had depressions and that it was tiresome to be with her during those phases. I know that. I know it's hard to cope with a person being that way and not being able to do anything against it and having to deal with them on a daily basis anyway. I know that.
And yet it makes me worry. What if I have a relapse? I'm petrified. First of all because I - for obvious reasons - hate it. And secondly because I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to get tired of me. Being cyclothymic isn't easy. In fact, it's fucking hell. But being scared of losing people dear to me because I'm a damn nuisance during the depressive phase is even worse.
I've decided to call my psychotwat in case it happens. I've been getting the signs all last week, they stopped on Friday but that doesn't mean I don't have to be careful. I also need to tell my prefect; another thing I'm dreading. I mean, they know about my condition, but that doesn't mean it's easy to talk about.

On a happier note, GC's friends seem to like me. I like them, too. They're a cool bunch of people. They have the right kind of humor, fun to be around, intelligent... I just like them :)
We went drinking yesterday. GC also shows another side of him when he's with them. You know, a bit childish, crazy... Like me when I'm around LR and TF. He laughs a lot when he's with them. And I enjoy seeing him like that.
He needs to meet LR. I think she'll accept him once she gets to know him. She still a bit skeptical and doesn't seem to believe that it'll last long. Not that I blame her. My past relationships haven't exactly been fruitful. But maybe, just maybe, this is different. I certainly hope so. I feel at home whenever I'm with him. And that means a lot already.

/P.

symptoms a.k.a. how i know deep shit is ahead

A few days before it happens I get this feeling in my chest - like my heart is being squeezed. It doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable. Sometimes I also have trouble breathing over short periods.
And then there's the temperature changes; I switch between being hot and cold like I have PMS or something. I break into cold sweats or get a light fever. My hands become even colder than they usually are: you can actually see they're cold because my fingertips/nails get a violet colouring.
I have short but strong stomach- and headaches, too, though they're far less frequent than the other stuff.

My psychotwat explained to me that it's my hormones going crazy before the Big Bang, and that basically my body is preparing itself for a shutdown-like state. I like to think of it as a preparation for battle. 'Cause if I'm going down, I'm going down swingin'.

/P.

i never thought i'd see the day

It's funny how people are concerned about my reputation. My reputation. Like, whaat?
What's even funnier, I am surprised. It's not me. I'm not something to be ashamed of. How weird is that? I am actually surprised by he fact that I'm worthy enough to have a good reputation and people who see me as better than others. It's fucking hilarious. Where the fuck does this come from? Why am I surprised? Is my self-esteem really that low? Really? Well, fuck.

/P.

to truth or not to truth

So I sent GC a screenshot of one of my older posts about suicide. I don't know why I did that. I should have just sent him one of the happier, more innocent ones. Maybe I wanted to see his reaction to it. What happens when I experience a relapse into depression. Or maybe I needed the attention. Who knows? I don't know the real reason myself, so...

/P.

cough sniff cough

It feels like we've been together since always. So comfortable. Honestly it seems like ages. In a good way.

The only thing that bothers me is that people give me so much shit about him. Like, gossip and stuff.
I DON'T CARE.
I just want to be happy with him, is it so hard to understand? I don't care what he did or did not do. I care for him and I care for who he is now. The past is in the past, it doesn't concern me.

I feel like people just don't want to see me or him happy. And that's fucking stupid and sad.

/P.

do you really want to hurt me

In case you were wondering: yes, I have indeed deleted some of my recent posts. There are two reasons for this. For one thing, guilt - I don't want to leave any traces. For another, liberation - I want to erase the subject of the deleted posts from my life as much as possible. I've blocked him, erased all messages, photos etcetera... I just want him gone. For good.

/P.

i'll kill you so hard you'll die to death

The thing about me and relationships is that it's far too easy for me to fall in and out of love. It worries me. I know it has something to do with cyclothymia and all but still, it's not fair.

I need an anchor in my life. GC is that anchor right now. Without him I'd just kind of be drifting around, and -what's worse - probably bathing in promiscuity. But I have him now. An anchor. Something steady and secure in everyday life. I need that.

And I know it's bad to depend on someone like this, but I just can't help it. Whether it's bad or not.

/P.

short but intense

I have a kiss mark. It's nothing big, just a slight shade darker than the rest of my skin. Probably no-one will notice. And yet it feels funny to see it in the mirror. A kiss mark. The name already has a ring to it. Kiss mark. The words taste sweet. Try it. "Kiss mark." Tasty.

/P.

helovesmeisn'tthatwonderful

marvinizer

He said it. And I... I hesitated.

I've said those words so many times before that they've lost some of their worth. I don't think they hold the same meaning when I say them.

So I try to compensate with actions and other words like "it feels great to spend time with you" or "you're important to me". The thing is, what if he doesn't understand that my way of saying "I love you" is different than his? I'm scared that he'll think that I don't feel the same way.

On the other hand, he's never complained. When I smile and call him big idiot, I feel that he understands what I'm trying to say. He knows. And that makes me feel both relieved and happy.

/P.

goodnight my pride and joy

It's cheesy as fuck but hell, I love it. I just want to cuddle him and never let go. He's so different to what I expected.

I thought he'd be more cool and distanced because for some sick reason I have been taught by experience that some guys (cough S cough) don't seem to deem me worthy enough to be seen beside them in public. Well, note to self: I AM fucking worthy. And I am not something to be ashamed of. I'm moderately popular, I look pretty good when I want to, I am likeable. Bloody hell yeah I'm worthy. It just took me a while for it to actually sink in, is all. And that's sad. Not because I want to wallow in self-pity (again). But because I'm not the only one. I think it's fair to say that quite a few girls/women know what it means to be a 'dirty little secret' of some guy who thinks going out with us in public will harm his prestige/ image/ popularity/ whatever. If he puts you in the secret-zone, dump him. Now. It's not worth it.

Anyway, I'm happy. And it feels wonderful to be happy.
Maybe because I'm starting to feel like I can trust him. Trust is important. I need that kind of closeness.

/P.

weird chocolate gummybear muffin thing

It's all set GC is coming to Basel this weekend woooooooo!!!

It's a fucking surprising awesome plot twist because a) my mom said yes immediately and b) he can actually come over like whaaat ohmygod...!!!!

And yes I am quite content with this FUCKING EPIC turn of events :)

Herbstmesse, here I come...

/P.

conversations

Is he just a boytoy to me? I don't know. I don't think so.
I know I enjoy being with him and that it would be nice if his feelings towards me were sincere. It would be nice to know that for once, a guy likes me for who I am and genuinely cares for me. It would be so nice.

/P.

venus in furs

Apparently my general image is that of an innocent, slightly prude girl with no experience whatsoever. A girl who still has to grow up to know the big bad world.
Newsflash, motherfuckers: Don't judge by appearances. I may dress innocent/tomboyish/chic (which is just a clothing style for fuck's sake) but that doesn't automatically imply the nature of my character. Neither does the fact that I want to succeed at school. Jesus, guys, really.
Though I must say it was very entertaining to see GC's surprised face.
I stayed over at his place over the weekend. Which was definitely not a bad decision. (Lemme brag a bit here.)
We had lots of fun, most of which involved staying locked up in his room. I wish I could have just stayed there... it's so much more cosy and, well, sexy. I mean come on, who wouldn't want to wake up every morning with a cute guy kissing your neck and throwing a casual "g'morning" before seducing you into morning sex? And then as a bonus feature you get a back massage. Mmmm I could live a lifetime like this. For once I enjoy being spoiled... ;)

/P.

his jumper my jumper

OKAY so self-perception is very important. I need to work on that. I have tremendously low self-esteem and this needs to change immediately. The morning "you're beautiful" mantra is utter bullshit, I've tried. Now I just want to focus on feeling good. As in, eating as much as I want, wearing what I want etcetera without worrying if it looks good enough to be seen in public. As long as I feel good, I'll start to look good. Kinda a side effect.
Starting now, I'll try to focus on my good sides, not just my bad sides when I look into a mirror. And I'll try to bring out my good sides even more.
I want to change for the better. I want to be desirable. But this time, I want to be desirable to myself, not to others. There's a difference.

/P.

triangle thingy

Okay so this whole thing is turning into a really cliché love triangle novel thing. TB keeps warning me about GC and I think some of TB's accusations are actually not that unfounded as I initially thought, especially that rumour he told me. But I think it's fair to give GC a chance because it looks like he's changed for the better over time. At least I sincerely hope he has.
I don't know what to do with TB. I mean it's crystal clear to just about everyone that he cares a lot about me but he seems fine to be in the friendzone for now.Maybe he's hoping that I'll run to him as soon as I get disappointed by GC or something. But he's honest and straightforward about his feelings so it's not even such a bad thing.
I haven't talked to the puppy in days. Maybe it's for the better. He should forget me as soon as possible.

/P.

these boots are made for walking

I like to be in control of things. I like predictable situations and people whom I can manipulate into doing what I want. But I like to be challenged, too. I like to fight for control over people because it's just ten times sweeter that way.Which sounds sick, I know. Strangely enough (cough, cough) I don't care.

 Am I heartless or just crazy? Or maybe both?

entertain me

The thing is that I seem to mirror people's feelings for me. If a guy shows me that he likes me and talks to me and makes a move on me, I just kind of go along with it and my feelings just adjust themselves. I think "adjust" is actually a pretty accurate description. The puppy flirted with me and then fell in love. I loved him back. Now that he's away, I realize that it's a lie when I tell him I love him. I just like him as a person now. And then there's GC who's close and in my reach and also cares for me. So I care for him too. It's like I'm just a mirror. I'm incapable of really loving, so I basically live off other people' feelings. And that makes me hate myself.

/P.

Quincy likes me more

Ok so I may or may not have spent over five hours at GC's place yesterday. And we may or may not be going out now. Which may or may not feel very, very nice. (Plus I get to see his gay dogs more now :P)

I'll be going to Danzig this weekend for a funeral, I really don't want to go. I didn't even know my uncle that well. And it's a damn hassle to travel around half the globe just for the funeral of someone I don't even remember. I mean really.

/P.

Update

So I went to GC's after all.

We walked his two (adorable, tiny, fluffy, 100% gay) dogs for about an hour and talked. Then we watched Monty Python sketches in his room and talked. Then he drove me to the school and we talked a bit more.

That's it. Nothing happened. Again.

I'm just so used to a faster pace than this, honestly. It's frustrating. I don't know whether he's taking it really realyl slow or whether this is simply as far as he'll ever go or.... Ugh, I just don't know.

Like, he jokingly suggested I stay the night. I mean that's pretty straight-forward, right? But then again he's never hugged me (except to say hi and bye) or kissed me or held my hand or touched me significantly in any way whatsoever. What the hell???

/P.

liar liar mom on fire

Dropping by at GC's before going back to the school. Not sure whether it's a clever idea, but hey, when have I ever made a wise decision in my life?
It'll probably turn out to be as innocent as the "date" at the bar. What could possibly go wrong?
(This is really beginning to sound like the opening to a horror film)

/P.

winky face

Been texting dorkly GC a lot lately. I wonder what'll happen after the holidays... I'm looking forward to it though, whatever it is.

TB is in Kenya on a Safari trip (yeah omg I know, right?? I'm jealous too) so there isn't much to update on his side.

By the way, I have a (unsettling? or is it exciting?) feeling that I'm to expect some kind of date at a completely deserted swimming pool which may or may not involve skinny dipping (depends on how far he's ready to take things). I really do wonder, though. How far Dorkly wants to take things, I mean. He hasn't done much so far, except flirting excessively during texting and, well, inviting me for that one drink. And yet he keeps bugging me. Or teasing, depending on how you look at it. Ugh.

/P.

*evil laugh*

Bullying TB is more fun than I thought... It's actually pretty hilarious. Especially because he is currently drunk texting me and does anything I tell him to. God this is sick. But so much fun, oh my, oh my!!!

/P.

I really need to stop the poor thing will embarrass himself
Okay he already has
Told him to send me a video begging for forgiveness
And he did
Oh God
I'm dying

need u 100%

I feel confident lately.
Maybe because TB almost admitted he got jealous when he saw me and he GC at the bar on Thursday.
Maybe because I actually spontaneously went to a bar with GC.
Maybe it's just the weather.
Maybe it's just because I feel really really good here.

I like it here, a lot. I have friends, there's lots of room to be lazy silly and have fun.
I have plans with SR to see some films we both like/would like to watch up in the school's cinema (yes, we have our own mini-cinema theatre), GC is definitely a worthwhile entertainment (he spoils me and I like it), TB is fun to text when I'm bored (plus he also seems to follow my orders quite often; something I abuse extensively).
The thing about SR though is that he has a girlfriend (new but very intense - they can be seen snogging each other's faces off in the hallways... gross) but he's a cool friend so it's fine to hang out with him occasionally; I just hope his girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it... TB is not really attractive plus he likes to bully me on weekends (because I stay at school while he goes home for two days) but he's funny and nice so I guess leading him on isn't all that bad, and if I rejected him it wouldn't be a big deal because we don't see each other much at school so it wouldn't even be awkward. And GC... well, GC is a riddle. I can't predict him as much as I can predict other guys. It confuses and intrigues me at the same time - I want to know more. He says he likes me, he invites me for a drink, he likes to hang out during breaks eating cookies talking , he texts me quite a lot.... And yet he hasn't really made a move on me (yet?). Is he just really nice or is he taking it real slow? It's exciting frustrating.

/P.

nicotine aftertaste

"Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly"

I feel betrayed. I have been planning Friday in a week for the last month. I was supposed to go to an allnighter of a friend-but-there's-sexual-tension-between-us, stuff was supposed to happen, I'd have some fun, and then I'd take the train to our holiday home. But no, father dear always keeps the most important info till the very end when it' too late to call it off. So now I can kiss the party and my chances for a decent portion of venting goodbye, and also my hopes of completing my essay in the first week of the holidays (which is pretty much essential to my grades) since as far as I know there is no way I'll ever be able to do anything in the South of France. Usually I'd be really happy to go there, I mean I love the place, but right now is just not the time, for fuck's sake. Stop screwing everything up. I've had enough.

malcolm in the middle

I'm home for the week-end, and it feels weird - like the boarding school is more of a home to me than this place. And now I realize it's the environment, the small things. My stuff has been moved out of the way (e.g. my hand creams and perfumes from the bathroom to my room), most of my clothes are at school, my old room feels empty and impersonal. It's like I barely exist here. I'm being slowly erased out of the house. And it hurts a bit to notice it.
I guess I'm happier up there after all. At least to the point that when I say "I'm going home", I mean I'm going back to the school. "My mom's" is here. "My place" is there. Actually I'm surprised at how easily I've warmed up to that place. How easily I've gotten used to it. I already have a routine, some kind of life-pace. It makes me feel secure and at home. Here, I just don't know what to do. I don't belong here any more, even though I want to. It's a pity. And yet it doesn't affect me as much as it should.

/P.

nowyouknow

When I was younger, I used to fight quite a lot with my mom. About everything. And just like many other kids my age, I'd start saying things like that I'd run away and then everybody would miss me.
One day the fight was particularly bad. I was furious and sad and frustrated. Why wouldn't she even try to understand me? So I told her I'd kill myself. And she said "fine, go ahead".
I know she said it because she knew I wouldn't do it and that she just wanted to prove her point. But it was the worst thing she could have said. I had literally been feeling so terrible that I actually wanted to kill myself. And she basically gave me the okay.
It's not right for me to blame her for anything, but it really got to me. Even though I know she didn't really mean it. Even though I know that, it just flipped a switch in my head.
A completely irrational voice began to tell me that she didn't care. And it tells me until now. That I don't matter. That I should just go ahead. That what my father says is true. That all she wants to do is hurt him and that I'm a tool in her games. Or that I'm nothing but a pawn to him, too. Something to direct against her. To hurt. With words, actions, gestures... Just a pawn.
I have trust issues, I'm aware of that. Everything anybody does has to have an ulterior motive behind it. Nothing is for free. There's always a price to pay. Maybe because that's what growing up with parents like mine does to you. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
I'm also aware of my inferiority complex. I have to constantly prove myself. Not particularly to others, but to myself. I feel like I can't believe people who tell me they like me because... what is there to like? I whine constantly, I have mental breakdowns regularly, I'm not even that interesting in conversations. I constantly need approval because otherwise I keep thinking I'm doing everything wrong and I'm hated. It's stupid, I know. I know it. But I just can't help it. Maybe because that's what being told that you're a failure and being compared to your friends all the time does to you. Or maybe I'm just overreacting and over-sensitive.
I haven't been doing anything but ranting and whining lately, I'm sorry. But I need a vent. There's nothing else I can do here but write down everything; I can't scream or cry because in half an hour the prefect will check on me and notice there's something wrong, I can't go for a walk to cool down because the doors get blocked at 10pm, I can't call my friends because I don't want to be a nuisance. So here I am, spilling out everything on a keyboard. And to be honest, I'm fine with this for the moment. It helps a bit.

last toblerone

Today was my first day in boarding school. Which means that there was basically a ton of blahblahblah and nothing more.

Tomorrow will be the first actual day of school. I don't know whether I'm looking forward to it or dreading it, the feeling kinda changes every five minutes...

/P.

parenting

"My dearest P

You don't belong to this society anymore. You have no shame! (And do you know what kind of woman has no shame?) One can only pity you out of tactfulness. When you'll stop manipulating and lying you'll have the chance to win... your life!

Your loving father"

What the fuck have I done so wrong that I am called (or at least implied to be) a manipulating whore and a liar? I honestly don't see the reason. This really hurts, dad. It hurts and you know it. And yet at the end of the message you say that you love me. Well fuck you. At least tell me what I did to make you insult me like that.

sorry it's another guy-post

Intense desire. That's what I felt whenever he was near me. Whether we were just sitting next to each other, talking with friends, shoulders barely touching, or walking towards each other on our way to the lake... Every time I had an inexplicable urge to fall into his arms and stay there forever. Basically I wanted him to fuck me senseless every time I saw him.
I don't know when it started. I don't know whether this desire was born from me falling in love with him or the other way round. All I know is that the moment I first felt it, I knew this was it. I was done for. This guy was something I had never encountered before and would never encounter again - the effect he had on me was unique. Fascinating. Scary even.
The irony of it all is that we never went that far. The one person who could make me horny with just a look never went further than kissing me. And God, it kills me when I think of what I've missed by not pushing him further. I should have taken initiative. Then again, if I had, I would have scared him away. He was never aware of what he was doing to me. Nobody was, to be honest. Nobody saw what I saw when I'd look at him.
And then it all ended. Poof, just like that. Maybe it was the distance. Maybe he wasn't confident enough. Maybe he was scared of his feelings. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. I'll never know. He won't ever tell. In the end, it was all for nothing.

And that's how I lost my once-in-a-lifetime chance of finding and keeping the perfect guy for me.

the bricks don't have the same colour

I got an email from D that reminded me just why I used to be so in love with him. He just knows things. I can't explain it. Though now I can only appreciate it without the feeling of being loved. But that's fine. It's still as comforting as ever to know there's someone who can read me like an open book but chooses to like me instead of being repulsed. I can't say that about more than three or four people in my life.

Summer's slowly remembering that it's her turn to be around, that goodness for that. I was beginning to think that we'd just have an entire year of early spring (i.e. rain and cold)...

And I really don't want to sound pretentiously deep or anything, but lately I've been looking up a lot instead of at the ground/my feet while outside and and I feel like the sky is always beautiful, no matter how many clouds there are. It's just always beautiful. I wonder why.

/P.

pear&apple pie

Been feeling aggressive and moodier than ever recently. Also the reason why I haven't been uploading.
I just really wanna die to put it simply. But I don't have the guts to do it. Yeah, I'm admitting it openly. There's no use in denying it, is there?

Also I like Mumford & Sons and Ed Sheeran. A lot.

Also tumblr is one of the most addictive things ever.

Also my dashboard is now filled with tons of superwholock fandom material (you don't have to understand). The Hannibal fandom is a bit creepy though, it's like it just appeared out of nowhere. And I ain't even mad.

Also I'm sleep deprived.

Also I think I need to shut up.

/P.

why can't he be cute?

I've been waking up recently after having an awesome dream but I have no idea what I dreamt I just know it was an epic dream. I really want to know what it was though :/

I've met a guy who is nice, funny, witty, likes and hates the same stuff as me, thinks a bit like me, is crazy a bit like me. Sounds perfect, right? But here's the snag: he's not my type at all. So I've just turned into one of those bitches who friendzone the guys who are best suited for them. I can't believe it. Like, I actually hate that kind of girls because of their ignorance and everything but now I'm one of them. I feel like a hypocrite. Scratch that, I AM a hypocrite.

So from now on I have no right to say I wanna get laid because there's a guy right in front of me, the first in line, and I'm ignoring that fact stubbornly.

Feel free to hate me, I already do.

/P.

fanmail (basically: ignore this)

I've been watching City Hunter for the last few days and I just need to vent my frustration and the feels.

Firstly: Jin Pyo, you are one crazy son of a bitch and I hate your guts and I don't care if you watched Moo Yul die that's no excuse to ruin his wife's life okay!

Secondly: Yoon Sung, you got your shit together and admitted your feelings so I'm proud of you. Plus you look adorable in nerd glasses.

Thirdly: Na Na, thank you for sticking with Yoon Sung. But do me a favour and stop having near-death-experiences.

It's hard to watch a series when you're constantly torn between fangirling, processing the cuteness, hating on the bad guys and crying for the good guys.

And no, you don't have to understand what just happened.

/P.

banana milkshake

Note to self: never google your symptoms.

I've been switching words in sentences lately while talking or leaving them out completely and it's bothering me a lot. But I can't figure out what's going on. I mean, the internet told me that I'm either on anti-epileptic meds, showing signs of early dementia/multiple sclerosis/thought disorder, or a linguistic dyslexic.

Well, that sounds wonderfully reassuring.

/P.

where's the damn coconut

I dragged SF to a party yesterday, it was boring until after 11 (yet another proof of the 11-o'clock-rule) but then things got more interesting. The two of us got kinda separated and the gossip that later ensued was... epic. She stayed over at my place so we had all the time in the world to discuss everything. I really like those moments when you're all giggly and silly and life's just good.

Plus I had a really deep *cough* discussion on male porn preferences which was very enlightening. Like why guys don't really like gays but welcome lesbians any time.

No hangover today, thank God. Apparently there's a prayer for that.

I woke up pretty early today and really felt like making something tasty for breakfast (note the three miracles occurring: 1. I woke up early after a party; 2. I wanted to have breakfast; 3. I was in a condition to actually get up and concoct something).

So I made pancakes. Very improvised pancakes mind you, there was only a single egg in the fridge and i had used up most of the milk for a banana shake (good for hangovers), but they turned out just fine, surprisingly. I should do this more often :)

/P.

starry starry night

I feel lonely. Again.
I just feel all alone in the world, and I can't help but cry. It's like I'm in this bubble of air and nobody really sees me, they just get on with their lives, and I'm stuck in place with nowhere to go. And then apathy sweeps over me and I don't even have the strength to fight, I just wait for everything to be over.

dump the chump and hump the champ

I so totally love that expression.

So I'm into cooking now, especially Italian and traditional Polish cuisine. And Asian. But that's a given.

Maybe it's my Indian genes that make me catch cold so quickly. Fuck'em.

American/German word of the day: Gesundheit.

/P.

no tests wooo

I'm sick again.
Hahahahahahaha...hahaha...ha... *breaks down crying*
Why me???

I went to see 'le bourgeois gentilhomme' today, and I don't think I've ever experienced so many WTF-moments in a row since 'Funky Forest' (and that was some really weird shit). I wouldn't have understood a sod if I hadn't read the play last year.

I want to wear more dresses and skirts this summer, the trouble is that I have absolutely no idea how to combine tops with skirts. It's like I've been cursed or something - maybe my fairy godmother snuck up to my cradle on my first birthday and said "bitch you so fat you ain't never gonna wear no skirts so imma just take away dat ability of yours to combine shit!" And yes, my fairy godmother is apparently some kind of black badass granny (not being racist here that's what she is I can't help it can I?). So anyway, I guess I have to start taking fashion lessons from YD :P

/P.

i'm waiting

Summer rain makes me happy. I just have the urge to smile and fall asleep while water droplets hit my face, drowning me in this feeling of warmth and security.

i caught him smoking

What is my purpose?
I want to be loved. I want to be admired. I want to be desired. I want to be fascinating. I want to be beautiful.
But is that a purpose? No.
I want to be happy. That's my purpose. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be the person who can make me happy. If I can achieve that, I can start depending on others. But before that, I need to learn how to love myself.

a little something i came up with

Close your eyes.

Imagine absolute nothingness. Imagine the quiet darkness surrounding you, thick but untouchable, the dwindling gravity. Imagine yourself, half floating, half standing, in that nothingness. Now listen closely.
Can you hear it?
It's your heartbeat. It's pure life pulsing through your veins. The essence of your existence.

I can silence it in the fragment of a second.

"well, he's your brother"

I'm not responsible for what my little brother does. He has a mind of his own, and I am absolutely not able to look into that mind, let alone influence it.
So please, if you're pissed at him, don't vent it at me. I have my own problems already. Don't make me responsible for the misbehaviour/ failure of others. Thank you.

/P.

physics - y u so complicated?

"Don't leave me alone with me
See, I'm afraid
Of the darkness and my demons
And the voices, sayin' nothing's gonna be okay"

Yeah, this sounds like a really depressing beginning of a post, but I just like the lyrics and I felt like sharing.

There's a birthday party in the beginning of May and I'm planning to go, trouble is I don't know anybody except like 3 people (out of approx. 80). Deja vu? I think so.
So I'm bugging ZP to tag along, I hope that'll work out.

Loads of tests ahead... Ugh. I can't wait for the holidays to start.
And I still haven't had the guts to tell my dad I'll be working the last two weeks of the hols. I should tell him. I don't know what I'm afraid of, to be honest - being a disappointment or being disappointed.

/P.

Also I should start writing stuff again because it releases any built up tension. Compensation of sorts.

product of my fantasy at 4:30 am

Guilty

Be still and you will hear the sounds
Of monsters, demons, hellish hounds
They sound their call within my head
They follow every path I tread
In shadows, flashes, sights in flight
I see them grin and jeer at night
For I have sinned, the Lord forgive
In fearèd conscience I must live

here comes nothing

I've decided to become more conscious of what I'm eating. Not obsessively or anything, I just wanna make sure I have my daily portion of healthy stuff.
It's also time to shape up, dig out my old free weights and start exercising. No more laying around lazily.
Motivation: ON!

/P.

ya...

I feel lonely.

excessive amounts of alphabet soup

So I grew a pair and wrote to him. So far so good.
It's weird to be nervous like this.
I guess I can't handle rejection because I'm used to people liking me (does that sound awfully conceited or is it just me?).

/P.

50% determination, 50% desperation

D has started to write to me again. It feels like nothing ever happened and we've never been more than friends. Maybe it's better that way.

What also might be good for me is a period of boytox (ya I've been on urban dictionary recently, so what?). I need to get my shit together.

Plus I honestly don't know why I keep updating. I guess I'm bored and I can't sleep because my head hurts.

/P.

Damn I should have stuck with the Italian... He would've been worth it -.-
Oh wait, I'm on boytox. Bad brain. Bad bad bad.

generalised reflection on why i wasn't happy with FB

- he wasn't too attractive but awfully vain and kept asking me to compliment him (I honestly wonder why I went along with it)

- it was an 'I take, you give' relationship; he never really did anything for me. I always had to come over to his place because he was too lazy to lift his arse.

- his IQ is lower than mine. Our conversations were limited and began to get boring quickly.

- he would get a hard-on immediately and would basically assault me. I'm not complaining about the sex itself, I'm complaining about how he couldn't stop acting like a rabbit in heat (there are limits!).

Basically, now that I think of it, I have no idea what the flying fuck I was thinking. Seriously what the hell. For crying out loud, I must have been crazy.
Anyway. I had to get it off my chest.

/P.

maybe because i attract jerks way too often

The thing with me and guys is that I never know what to expect.

Until I was thirteen, I was completely ignorant of how to dress or how to look after my body and act girly. I was awfully innocent and so oblivious it makes me cringe. Then I realised that I liked wearing nice clothes and that makeup wasn't something incomprehensible after all. I started noticing guys as more than just friends - I used to be a tomboy before. I began to worry about body weight and my figure. Kinda late if you ask me.

From the experience I've gathered with guys, most of them only act nice when they want something from me (be it a relationship or just a partner to make out with once in a while). There is no such thing as friendship between a guy and me. Of course there are exceptions, but they're more because the guy is either already taken or not the type to hit on anything in the next few years. Back to the point: I'm practically incapable to regard a cute dude who's nice to me as just a friend and not a potential 'more than a friend'. There are too few innocent guys out there for that to be possible. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense in any way, but that's what I feel. It's like I think that you're either flirting with me or you ignore me, and there's nothing in between. Of course, one could say that my opinion of myself is too high if I have such thoughts. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe I'm just used to only being approached by guys who want something from me. Maybe it's just my bad luck. I really honestly don't know.
Also, paradoxically, when a guy definitely shows interest in me, I don't seem to able to believe it because why would they want something from me of all people? I'm not that special, there are loads of prettier and better girls than me. So for all I know I might have been friendzoning a shitload of people just because I don't believe they'd ever want anything from me. Yep, I'm a walking paradox.

So what I wanted to say is, I never know how I should react - act coy and cute or just ignore the kindness and put it off as being friendly? With some I know, with others I really don't. Like, the baby-faced gentleman: why is he so nice to me? Is he that nice to everyone? Does he tease all the girls like that? Isn't he in love with the other girl in the first place? What is his motive? They all have motives, always. So you see why I can't help being confused.

Phew. When I'll re-read this tomorrow I'll probably smack myself and say: dafuq were you thinking girl? But for now it makes perfect sense.

/P.

oversized shirt

So I thought it was a hangover but it turns out I'm actually sick. I have to admit that I haven't been eating much recently so my body must be protesting now. I just don't have the time and then I forget I was hungry. Or I just don't feel like it in the first place. But I'm constantly thirsty.

My headache is starting again so I guess I'll sleep a bit and then finish my history homework.
I wish I was out of school already...

/P.

mess me up so good

So I went to a party yesterday, and I had fun. Also I'm no longer scared of drunk me, I suppose.
There was an adorably hot guy (Italian... Oh his smile...) with whom I expected to hook up by midnight, buuut it didn't happen. Sniff. Instead I ended up with another dude, also cute, but not that cute. Oh well. I came back around half past six, the sky was beautiful and the birds were singing... I don't remember the last time I'd seen a sunrise and heard so many birds. I instantly felt really happy.
Now I'm nursing the remains of my hangover (surprisingly I have one though I had already sobered up towards two o'clock) and hoping to get some work done. God I don't feel like getting out of bed. Ugh.

/P.

sneak peek

What's going on in my head?

Many things. Usually a few things at the same time. I call it parallel thinking.
Scary things. Like killing people and the monster hiding in my closet and the shadow man following my every step but when I turn around he isn't there.
Pleasant things. Like a new recipe I found for strawberry jam and the bright sky after the rain and my soft bed.
Funny things. Like YD's jokes and filming a scene but failing because everyone's laughing their heads off and my face when I squash it while looking into a mirror.
Sad things. Like coming back home but feeling like I want to go out again as soon as possible and my brother being late again and missing my bunny rabbit.
Freaky things. Like wanting to learn how to fly and imagining that I have telekinetic abilities and pretending that time stands still so I can scream into my pillow as long as I want but no-one can hear so no-one can disturb me.
Things that make me "me". Things that make me hope that I'm not the only one like this. Things that make me scared that I might be crazy after all.
I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal and live a normal life. I don't want to be shut out because I'm different. I want to be me, but it's so hard that I prefer being someone else instead. So which is which?

myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault

He was supposed to come back at 17:30. He's late again.
Where is he?
What if something happened and we won't know until it's too late?

Come back, little brother.

/P.

Awolnation

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Maybe I'm a different breed
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Mistake...?

I had sex with Don.
I shouldn't have done that. I should NOT have done that. But I did, of course. Of course I did. It's me. I'm bound to fuck up at some point.
Now what will I do? I don't think I'll be able to look into his eyes again. It's so awkward.
I feel like we've crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed. Sure, the sex was good, but it wasn't right. I can't really explain it. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I mean okay, I've always called him a friend with benefits but we've never gone further than kissing. He was basically a best friend, a shoulder to cry on and a kissing booth in one person. And now we've had sex. Now what?

/P.

toot toot, princess in da house!

The party was fine. I didn't drink a drop of alcohol (yay achievement unlocked). I met an old friend (small world), made two new ones (big world), and saw things I probably shouldn't have but it's their fault for not getting a room, so.
And then when my feet were aching I took off my shoes and wanted to go home barefoot, but LS and JdB wouldn't let me so LS forced me to sit on his bicycle while JdB took my shoes and bag so I was basically escorted home on a metal horse like a lady. It was awkward as fuck. But funny.
Now I need to pack and get ready, I'm leaving in an hour...

/P.

those crippled birds gonna sing gonna sing

It's going amazingly well... Thank God. But it's less physical nonetheless. Oh well, I guess that was a given.

Tonight is party night, hell I need it. Maybe I'll assault him for being less physical. Or I'll cry my eyes out to ZP. Or I'll get myself another boyfriend since I'm such a talent at it. Or I'll hit on babyface. Or I won't go at all.
I will. But I'm kinda scared of drunk me.

/P.

marble muffins (with sprinkles?)

I'm a very sentimental person. I don't like to throw things, and I tend to keep useless stuff for old times' sake.
Mostly it's nice to have something to remember the past, but sometimes those memories aren't all that good; keeping stuff that remind me of such things isn't the best idea. But still I cling on to the past, even though I know perfectly well that I shouldn't.

Sometimes I'm tired. Just really tired. With everything... With life in general, really. And then I turn into this bitter, hopeless version of me who couldn't care less about anything. It's probably some kind of protective wall that my brain builds around my emotional balance - the less you care the less it matters the less it hurts. But is that really true?

/P.

i did it for the lulz

I'd love to wallow in self-pity for a bit more but enough is enough.

I had a great day yesterday, rehearsals are really fun and I can't wait for the actual thing. We invested so much energy and time into transforming the whole Aula into a completely different place... I can't believe it myself. I think we're one of the few who'll really work with the whole room and use this much decoration. And the make-up artist is pretty boss. So yeah, it's gonna be great.
I still need to work on my voice and my laugh, though. It's really hard.

And I've decided to quit the IB. I've had enough. I guess I've just reached my limit - now I just want to focus on getting a Swiss matura and that's enough.

/P.

And JB would be the most popular guy in school if he lived in Japan. Just sayin'.

running from a war zone

It's hard to let go. Sure, I'm fucking pissed and my ego has taken quite a blow, but it's still hard to grasp that it's over. Even if I said the words first. It's just so unreal, I think. Because I'm never going to see him again - I refuse to. It's by my own choice, but then why is it so fucking difficult?
I just want to be happy... Is that too much to ask for?

/P.

ANDTHENTHEWORLDFUCKINGEXPLODED

"So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made"

I'm a fool when it comes to love. I've said this a few tomes already, I know. But my brain doesn't seem to want to get the message that I just shouldn't be let near any kind of romantic feelings, period.
I could punch myself in the face if I had the guts to do it.

/P.

if you cut me wide open

I've decided not to take the initiative anymore. Now it's his turn to make a move.
What's the point in being taken for granted? I need to be conquered over and over again; my feelings are volatile, just like your chances. Unless you're the special one for me. But how am I supposed to tell?

Woo-oo, love me like you say you do...

/P.

tyrant

I dreamt of D last night. It's strange, I haven't thought of him at all until now. Not since he wrote the mail, that is. And even then he was just a fleeting image, something long forgotten that resurfaced for a brief moment and then went down again in the depths of my memory. I don't mind. He's just a part of my past now.
When I think about, it's sad. How people become less important, how they start to fade away until they don't exist anymore in my little world. I know I've faded away in many worlds already. It makes me feel so tiny, so unimportant in the big picture. Let's be honest, I'm merely an insignificant little speck of dust in this huge world, this great plan. Of course, I can choose to change that. I can choose to become something important. Something with an impact. Something that matters.

/P.

dreaming out loud

"I holler like a king trying to keep his throne
But chewing on a stone is the only thing I own
Drugs and lovers
Nothing left under the covers"

-But there is. Wake up, little girl. He's still there, he hasn't left you yet. Stop being afraid of things that don't even exist.
-What about the monster in my closet?
-It's not the monster in your closet you should be afraid of. The monster inside of you is far scarier.
-You just told me not to be afraid...
-I did. You have to face your fears and fight them. Then you'll never be afraid.
-Why?
-Because you're your own worst enemy, my child.

/P.

runaway train

"I can't believe the things you say
They echo what I fear
Twisting the bones until they snap
I scream but no one knows"

And yet it feels like heaven when I close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat:

'Honey, I'm home.'
Then the world explodes.

/P.

we're all blind to everything but ourselves

I can take rejection with a poker face.
Practice or talent?
Go me.

/P.

Oh for fucks sake, can I be more pathetic?! Whatever.

joystick 2.0

Yeah. Well.

I've never felt embarrassed about a kiss mark. This time I felt like a little girl hiding the fact that she ate all the nutella in the house. Or something.
I think the main reason is that I'm kinda crushing on Utah and don't want to seem like I'm not serious or something. I am serious. If he'd finally make up his mind, that would be great, because I've said all I have to say; now it's his turn. The thing is that I can't commit to him unless it's official. I won't stop seeing other people just because I have a crush on him. If i wait and it might be in vain then I may just as well enjoy myself anyway.
And yes, I realise this makes me awfully shallow, but what the hell, I'm enjoying myself.

/P.

Dirge in the Woods (George Meredith)

A wind sways the pines,
And below
Not a breath of wild air;
Still as the mosses that glow
On the flooring and over the lines
Of the roots here and there.
The pine-tree drops its dead;
They are quiet, as under the sea.
Overhead, overhead
Rushes life in a race,
As the clouds the clouds chase;
And we go,
And we drop like the fruits of the tree,
Even we,
Even so.

glitter nail polish

To whom it may concern: if you promise me a date, ask me out. Don't make me wait like an idiot.

Kudos to LC and SK for making my day for two days straight; you guys are the best. And LC, though you'll probably be forever friendzoned by most of the girls I know (it's really sad actually; what a waste), don't worry - I'm sure your mother promised you off to some Italo girl already... ;)

Speaking of promises, I've always wanted to see LR smack someone against a wall. Just saying.

/P.

holy crap is it that bad?

Okay, just to get a few things straight (with myself more than anyone, really):
-I may be sexually frustrated, but I wouldn't go out with someone just for the sex. If I gave anyone that impression, it's wrong.
-I want to be loved; not in the physical way (which is basically more of a pleasant side effect of the actual thing) but emotionally, whole-heartedly, the whole shazam. I need human affection to keep going.
-I like attention, just like any other girl, but I don't act up to get that attention. If you think my behaviour is overdone or faked, it isn't. I really am this crazy. I'm a drama queen. That's just me.
-I may constantly talk about wanting to hook up or have a boyfriend, but in the end, it's just a single girl complaining. Like a hungry girl would about wanting a burger.
-I don't want a boyfriend because I don't want to be alone. That would be using that person for a egoistic reason. No matter how lonely I may feel, I will never get together with someone for the sake of getting together or not being alone anymore. Get that into your head.

Phew.

/P.

missing joystick

Well, that settles it. The ex won't be bothering me again. No more listening to him feeling sorry for himself.
Mom thinks it's funny.
I think it's pathetic.

I still have to write to father about the summer holidays... But I honestly don't feel like explaining myself like a guilty little school girl about a matter that's already settled.

D wrote. I was surprised. It's good to hear from him again, I was curious what he was up to. It seems like he's thinking about quitting school, but I told him not to. He has a talent for architecture and it shouldn't be wasted. But who am I to tell him what's right and what's wrong, apparently I'm a blind idiot in these things.

/P.

another day of nonsensical existence

I need some kind of sense in my life. A goal or an inspiration. Motivation to move on and not give up. Something worth living for.

/P.

dumbest reason ever, like seriously what the fuck

Decided to give the ex a second chance to prove himself after he'd begged me for quite some time. Or so he thinks. I won't be fooled twice, no sir. Maybe I'll make him do stuff to prove his worth... that could be fun. Then again I don't wanna be mean. Oh the dilemma...

/P.

best thing was the scottish music

We were supposed to have a photo shooting yesterday but the director forgot so I went for two banana splits with YD and Utah, which was fun, and then watched Django with them, which was pretty badass. Had my head on his shoulder through the whole film - now that I think of it I have no idea why I did, but it felt nice. Also I now don't know what to do as I always interpret too much into stuff when I shouldn't.

The first play this year was a disaster. Seriously. I wasted six bucks on a few laughs and an otherwise terrible performance. But I've decided to see all plays this year, so I guess it's my fault.

You know, the only thing I miss about Flo by now is the sex. That makes me shallow, and that in turn makes me angry at myself because I don't want to be shallow. But I just miss the feeling of that sexual tension, the warmth of another body and stuff, you know?
Fuck. I want a boyfriend. I wanna be loved...

/P.

"Can I say 'I told you so' if it happens?"

YD dragged me to the cinema to see Les Misérables yesterday, and it was worth it. I almost cried.
Also, we had an unexpected companion (at least by me), nineteen years of age and with quite some wit hidden behind his handsome sixteener face. Great chemistry between those two, despite his joining in being purely coincidental as she was having dinner at his place with her parents (or so I was told... Naw I'm joking it really was spontaneous). I told her to hit on him before he's taken.

I find myself at ease these days, though I shouldn't or I'll fail the year again which would be a disgrace I couldn't live with. And yet I feel peaceful and calm. Like there's nothing that could trouble me right now. Probably another silence before the storm. But strangely enough I don't seem to care.

/P.

"Does this wig make me look fat?"

The Distraction (as of now called Don because he doesn't like to be called a distraction and 'the D' sounds too dirty) was what you'd call 'that gay bestie who goes shopping with you to get your spirits up' this time. There's no better description for it, I think. Sorry, Don ;)
His chocolate lab has grown so much, she's two years old now and heavy as fuck. She's like a giant furry locomotive that bounds in your direction at full speed and expects you to be happy about it. Thank God the other one is just an old setter who doesn't care about anything but himself (stupid snob); I would've been squashed to death otherwise (nice, good snob).
Don was a sweetheart. We went for looong walks and we found a really cool second-hand-shop (actually it was a crossing between second-hand-shop and antique shop) with a huge collection of vinyl plates and a gigantic cupboard that looked a bit like the one from Narnia and then there was a whole corner dedicated to clothes from the 70s and 80s so I bought a bag from there but it's torn so I have to send it in for repair and I had loads of fun and I realise this sentence is really long and is ceasing to make sense but I had a great time and I regret that I couldn't say bye to Don before I left and say thanks again because really he's a great friend.
...And yeah, I'm only saying this because I know you'll be reading this at some point, Pontre-Brat! :P

/P.

yakuza

We've decided to stay friends. That's good. I didn't want to part as strangers. But I know that as soon as he has a new girlfriend, I'll have to move back into the shadows, for his sake. But he'll understand. No girlfriend wants an ex to still be in contact with her property. But it's not the case yet so I won't dwell on the future. I've learned my lesson about that.

There's one good thing about our break-up: The Distraction is here as of yesterday, which means that I can indulge in his presence without feeling guilty. Though I'll probably just walk around with him and his dogs and not do anything in particular. I don't feel like it at all.
Plus I can have some fun without certain persons reprimanding me for it. As soon as I feel like it. Which is soon. I hope.

/P.

going through changes

Can one get used to loss?
Because somehow, it doesn't matter that much anymore to me. I've just kind of accepted it. I don't know whether this means that I don't care enough or that I am very quick to adapt to the new situation. Okay, I still regret his decision and miss him, but it doesn't affect me as much as I had expected it to. My thoughts are something along the lines of 'Yeah, ok, too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.' And that is definitely not the drama I was expecting of myself (maybe I just don't know myself enough). Whatever it is, I've come to terms with what happened.

Right now, I'm technically free as a bird. But I'm a tamed bird, and before long I will be looking for the next cage to harbour and nurture me. Born and raised in a cage, I'm doomed to look for one all my life until I find the golden prize that will give me the illusion of happiness long enough for me to believe in it even in death.

/P.

lift me up, let me go

I should be a prophet or something. It happens as I said every time.
I only wish my premonitions came earlier, before the beginning of a relationship. That way, I wouldn't get hurt so much.

Once again, I would like to say: never make promises you don't intend to keep. It's better to stay silent and surprise with unpromised things than to disappoint with unfulfilled expectations. And if you make promises you do intend to keep, make sure you're actually capable of keeping them. There are cases when just the thought doesn't count after all. Be reasonable and stay with both feet on the ground, no matter how passionate your feelings are - an at least somewhat realistic approach to your relationship can spare both sides from unnecessary pain. Don't let your partner hope for more than you can give them - words, when in love, are powerful, powerful little things.

I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I probably still am, foolish as it may be.
But, as they say: when love is not madness, it is not love.
And I feel like I must be the maddest of them all...

/P.

And no, we still haven't broken up. Not officially at least. But he told me some things a few days ago and it looks like I'm a clairvoyant after all.

silence before the storm

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"

Don't ever make promises you don't intend to keep. And if you think you're saying the truth, don't say the words too early, because time is more powerful than you can imagine.

/P.

And no, we haven't broken up. But I have a feeling something's coming. And up until now I've never been wrong. How I wish I'm wrong right now...!

give it to me right

It's the good kind of silence after all. Relaxed, cozy silence. Sometimes with music in the background, sometimes it's just us listening to each other's breathing or heartbeat.

I'm amazed these days that just by chance I was in the right place at the right time to find the right person for me.

Each and every decision I make in my life affects the future course of events. The trouble is that you never if it's for the better or the worse.

/P.

he can't remember

Can I be sisterzoned even if I don't have a crush on Utah (who did the zoning)? Because other than the friendzone, which is inexistent when you're just friends anyway, the sisterzone is the status between 'friend' and... and what? It's not family. It's more like the reminder of family. Whatever it is, it doesn't really have anything to do with whether I have a crush on him or not - being in the zone is feasible in both cases. Right?

/P.

scales

I'm too quick to doubt myself and others. It's almost like I want to, just for the sake of it, I don't know.

The closer I get with Flo, the worse my relationship with my father gets. They're like two ends of a scale, with my feelings being weights that balance or unbalance the two ends. The more love I feel for Flo, the higher my father rises out of my reach. I'm a failure to him anyway, as he likes to tell me recently. I've stooped low. I'm incapable. I don't care enough.

Screw you.

You don't know anything. You keep talking and talking that one big eternal monologue of yours and you never stop to think that maybe it's not all like you make it out to be, maybe at some point, you miscalculated. Stop telling me and my brother that we're failures, stop assuming things that are just plain lies and idiocy. Stop. Just don't try to say anything anymore, he won't listen to you and I can't stand up to you because I know it wouldn't get to you. God knows I've tried.

/P.

sad little clingy me

Most loves that are felt from the age of thirteen to nineteen years are said to be simple crushes and short-lived. Only later does the 'real thing' come along eventually. The other loves are just so-called puppy loves.
The classic teenage love relationship looks like this:
Two teens meet, they fall madly in love. After some time their crazy lovey-doveyness dies off and the relationship is more of a routine now, based on a schedule rather than spontaneous undergoings. Finally the primary feelings and passion die down completely on one or both sides and the two teens go their separate ways.

He's the one who started it. He texted me all the time and kept talking about everything and nothing, he was the one keeping the conversation going and wanting to know what I was doing. He was the one who said 'I love you' first and asked me out. He was the one who made me want to stay with him. He did almost everything so perfectly romantically like I used to imagine it when I was a naïve thirteen-year-old that I couldn't resist.
And now I feel it dying down. There's less passion. The texts change from tons a day to just about above a dozen. Our encounters change from being lifted up and kissed to just a little peck and a 'Hi' thrown in at a whim. Conversations run dry because we've apparently talked about everything there's to talk about. 'I love you' turns into the lonely text shortcut 'ily'.
Now I'm the one trying to uphold a conversation so it doesn't become awkward, I'm the one who stays up just to get a text that he's going to sleep so he won't be texting me, I'm the one who feels the urge to tell him that I love him more than anything and that I want to spend as much time as possible with him, I'm the one who doesn't have a death wish anymore because I've found someone worth living for.

I don't want this relationship to just die down like a... like a withered pot plant or something. I don't want this to end up as a senseless thing that happened in the past and that should be forgotten as soon as possible.
I want my relationship to stay alive. To prosper. To evolve into something more.
I'm scared of failing to uphold this relationship to a person who's dearer to me than anyone. I'm scared he'll soon grow tired of me and cast me aside, with all his promises and plans left chucked into a corner. I'm scared of losing him to my own inability to be something worth loving.

/P.

don't shout at me - not you, too.

It breaks my heart. It does.
Even if it's not your fault. Even if I did the same.
Don't push me away.

honey puffs

Flo caught a cold yesterday. He had a fever by the time I was getting ready to go. Weirdly enough, it was pretty funny. He is the craziest person when he's sick. He started changing the lyrics of children's songs and sang about me and his sister, then about sharks being eaten up by pandas. So much for the overall sanity of my surroundings.
As you see this is a fairly normal post for once. I feel okay for now so I might as well pull myself together and write in full and coherent sentences.
Actually all I wanted to say is that I'm so lucky to have found Flo. He accepts me, he doesn't shy away when he sees that there's something wrong with me, he endured it when I had an anger outbreak and held me until I stopped trying to beat the crap out of him, he stays by my side no matter how fucked up I am. He isn't afraid to stay. He doesn't care that I am far from perfect. He's just there for me, like an island of stability in my life, because God only knows how warped everything else is.
I've decided that the next time something happens, I'm going to seek medical help. Not just because I have to swallow my pride and finally admit that I can't do this alone, but for the sake of the people around me. It's a burden for them, too.

/P.

sunday song

Unproductive day of rest.
What to do, what to do.
Gay blow-jobs and boar killings.
Repetitive thoughts all day long, all night long.
Never trust a brothel owner who loves your wife.
150 shades of absolute nothingness.
Light at the end of the tunnel.
Dinner with the new 'family'.
His warmth.
His warmth.
Late night trip home.
Echo of his warmth.
Unplanned nap in the train.
Ellie.
Home bittersweet home.

/P.

jame lennister looks like prince charming in shrek

Not pregnant, why the assumptions.
Sole uno, only one, sun one, what's the meaning.
Bubbles.
Happy pills.
Bubbles.
Want his warmth.
He doesn't have any control over himself.
Because he doesn't have a father.
He doesn't listen to him, either.
Old train wagons.
Americanos bitching around.
Lies and excuses are left unseen.
Bitch king (prince) ftw.

/P.

( E.S.T. = electric shock therapy)

my head hurts

I'll let you in on a secret.
Well, it's not really a secret.
Or maybe it is.
Does it count as a secret when many people know?
I guess not.
It's not a secret then.
So I won't let you in on it, because you already know.
I'm losing my mind.

seduction

It's past seven.
Racist white vitamin chocolate.
Inner turmoil = snowstorm in a desert.
Re-read old messages.
He promised to write in the new year.
Chica, get your shit together.
Mental mentalist mentality.
Nikita chiquita banana.
Ellie Goulding - Lights (single version)
Mirror mirror on the wall.
Fuck you, Lana.
Baby don't fade away.
The higher the rise, the longer the fall.
One doesn't compare.
Paint it on the walls.
Where's the fire.
Don't know, but it's warm and pretty.
Confused.
Here, have a tissue.

/P.

sakura

Sleep, hope not to wake up.
Wake up.
You have no new messages.
Pain in the ass.
Coffee machine stalls.
A horse called Frou-Frou.
Warm milk gone cold.
Draw and hope it looks artistic.
Bubble tea.
Brother and friend.
Noodles all over the place.
You have no new messages.
Here with these imperfections.
Guilty little black sheep.

/P.

The Requiem

God save us everyone
Will we burn inside the fires of a thousand suns
For the sins of our hand, sins of our tongue
Sins of our father, the sins of our young

daddy don't you die on me

Body hurts.
Gravity is strong.
SPD people talking about stuff.
'Emotionally traumatised class'.
Mauvaise prémonition.
Grill fire in the hot zone.
Messed up texts.
They're so cute.
Cooler than boyfriend.
Empty but glad about it.
Ellie.

/P.

delirious

I wake up to a small hand caressing my hair. My first thought is that that's the way I usually put Ellie to sleep. I open my eyes, and sure enough, there she is, looking at me with big, green, awaiting eyes.
'Habby befday mommy!' She says and hugs me in that awkward manner each three-year-old has.
'Hey', I mumble into her hair. 'Was isch für ziit?'
'Time fow pancakes', she exclaims. I laugh.
'Okay honey. Time for pancakes.'
She pulls me into the kitchen while I try to organise my hair a bit while trying to keep in pace with her while stooping down while yawning.
The kitchen is bright, full of sunlight. There's a large plate of pancakes on the table and a little box tied in a red bow. F's leaning against the stove with a steaming cup of what smells like coffee in his hand. When I come in, he comes up to me, plants a kiss on my forehead and hands me the cup.
'Alles Gueti zum 30. Geburtstag, min Schatz', he murmurs.
'Köne mi jez ässe?' Ellie pipes up.
F reaches for the little box on the table. He takes out a silver bracelet and slides it onto my wrist.
'...Und zum 10. Johrestag.'
The sickle moon dangling from the chain glistens.
'Danke', I breathe.
'Mommy!' Ellie whines. She clings onto my pyjama pants, almost pulling them down.
F grabs her and spins her around like an airplane, while she starts squealing with delight.
I take a sip of my coffee. The sun is bright in the window frame. It's mid July. Life's good.

supernova

Wake up.
Grab a brush and put a little make up.
(System Of A Down reference)
Overslept.
History.
Get your absences right.
Arms burn.
Weird because you can write that.
New play director.
What to do.
Why police.
People crying.
Cry at home.
Say everything's okay.
Warm hug.

/P.

save me

Feel empty again.
Up and down - the higher, the lower.
Dragons incubate so long.
Clean up a drawer, it makes you feel positive.
Call, say you love.
Help forget.

/P.

Sleepyhead

Wake up.
Move over sleepily.
Wake up.
He's gone.
Wake up.
He's back.
Watch races.
Brush hair.
Put make-up on.
He's asleep.
Cuddle.
Get dressed.
Bus is warm.
Train is quiet.
Yoko Kanno mix.
Mother is surprised.
Would you like a week-end house.
Hungry.
Church.
Lara's place.
Nice food.
Smiles and laughter.
Losers singing on TV.
Forget time.
Icy streets.
Home in good mood.

/P.