I wish I could use this site as a cry for help. Not in the suicidal way, just a beacon to say that I'm not okay and that I need a wordless hug. Just hug me, don't mention anything. It's worth more that way.
The thing is, the people who can make me feel better don't read this.
Of course I could just tell them. But you see, I hate admitting that I'm weak and sad and bitter. Sure, I can talk about it here, but that's because I'm not talking to anyone in particular. It's more like talking to myself. I don't need to face people and look them in the eyes and say "hey you know what I feel like shit but I'm too cowardly to tell you and prefer to wallow in self-pity on my pointless blog instead". I don't need to admit that I need help and reassurance.
I don't want my mum to worry about me on top of all the crap my brother's been up to. I don't want my boyfriend to have to listen to my endless complaining and grow tired of me - I don't want him to see me in this state because he already couldn't put up with it when his ex was like that (and if that isn't the best fucking motivation to stay "happy" I don't know what is). I don't want my father to know anything about me because he'll somehow turn it against me or my mum and that definitely doesn't make things better, either.
It's not a trust thing. It's a being-scared-of-being-looked-down-upon-and-rejected thing. So don't take it personally if I don't talk to you about my issues in person. I'm sorry.
/P.
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