all i want for christmas...

Surprisingly enough, I actually in all honesty miss him. I say surprisingly because I really didn't expect this.
Anyway, aside from getting a hidden proposal and a love poem every day (and no, I'm not exaggerating - it's cute, really) I've been texting more than I ever have before on a daily basis.
The affair from spring isn't here; I'd really need a vent right now. Plus I really love his dogs - at least one kind of pet I'm not allergic to. And yes, I know it's wrong of me to think this way.
So much for my love life.
Don't judge me. Oh wait, you already have, quite some time ago.
But no matter - let the old affairs stay in the past, where they should be. Right now I should focus on the person who's completely crazy about me; and I don't even have to be conceited or arrogant to say it because it's plain fact for all the world to see. He worships me.
And I - I find myself caring for him more and more every day, despite what I may say or do. He's a sweetheart and he loves me, what more could I possibly want? There's that overly romantic idea of a happily ever after, right there, right in front of me, just for me. Me. Not some stupid movie heroine. Me.
But then... why is this shadow of doubt and disbelief hovering over me? Why can't I just believe for once, regardless of what happened in the past?
I want to be happy. I do. But I don't seem to know how.

/P.

poker (the smell of his cologne)

Today was my last day with F for the next three weeks.
Which means: maximum dosage of everything.
And no, you may not indulge in perverted thoughts, although that is precisely what I meant. :P
And I'm not going to explain or describe anything, don't worry. It would make me blush and none of you want to hear about it so what the hell.

Anyway.
I'm finally in the Christmas mood. It always comes late with me. Maybe it's because I can't wait for my presents.
...I sound like a spoiled brat now, don't I?
Actually, who cares. It's true :P

/P.

run to me (when you hold me, i'm alive)

It's amazing how strongly music can affect my emotional state. There are some songs or melodies that just push a lever in my head and I instantly feel something powerful, be it sadness or happiness or anger or or or.
I'm also missing my bear hug dose. The instructions were 3 times a week. I've had zero. So I'll be needing compensation tomorrow.

Warmth. Generates energy.
Human warmth. Generates emotional energy.

/P.

humans.

I just wanted to say something about the Connecticut school shooting that happened today. In case you don't know what I'm talking about: A guy ran into the school heavily armed and killed at least 27 people, 18 of which were children.
What really hit me was that this is an elementary school we're talking about, with kids that are 5-10 years old.
Of course, every life is valuable and age doesn't (shouldn't) influence the gravity of such a situation, but still: those were innocent little children.

I can't begin to explain what I think of somebody who would slaughter so many people who did nothing to harm him. Those were people with families, with lives of their own, with dreams. Innocent people.
How can a human be capable of such a crime? How can we call ourselves a sophisticated and highly developed species if we can't even act like it?
We kill each other on a daily basis, there's always a war going on somewhere. And yet we say we are more intelligent, more rational, less instinct-driven, all in all better than all the other species on earth. Killing, in my opinion, is raw violence. We're no better than the animals we consider to be inferior to humankind.
And I know I sound like I'm judging everybody now by generalising everything. But what if I told you we're all capable of this raw, bestial violence? You may be thinking that you'd never be able to do something as bad as killing somebody, but technically you are. As long as we can feel anger, hatred, fear, any emotion that can lead to aggression, be it offensive or defensive, we're capable of a lot of things. Gruesome things.

I lose a bit of my faith in humanity every time I hear of such a thing. You'd think that people would learn from past mistakes or think twice before committing any act of violence because of all the things they've heard on the news. But no. We continue doing what we're doing, obstinate and stupid as it is.
I believe in God. I do. But at times like these I'm not so sure whether He believes in us any longer.

/P.

firework

I'm at a relatively happy stage in life right now. My friends are great, I can enjoy life, my relationship with my mother and brother has never been better, I have a boyfriend who'd do anything for me... Good times.
Of course there's a 'but' just waiting to be said.
But, I still can't help feeling empty inside. Like there's a vacuum in my ribcage instead of two lungs and a heart. Breathing sometimes becomes difficult, and there's this kind of pressure I feel, like my chest is going to implode. I don't know what to think of it. Maybe it has something to do with my cyclothymia, I don't know. But it's making me feel guilty, too. I should be genuinely happy about my life situation, about everything really. I have everything I need right here within my reach. And yet I feel empty, like something's missing. I just wish I knew what.

/P.

fake dat british accent

It was freezing cold today. I don't know how I survived, but I'm awfully glad that I have my boots. I love my boots. I might just dedicate this post to them.
Naw.

Met up with F for ten minutes because he was working in the neighbourhood. He's sick. I totally turned into a overprotective mother figure who told him off for not wearing a cap or shawl and being outside in general with a fever. He secretly enjoyed it, I think - I don't often show that I care. The reason for that is that I feel like I'm desperate or something when I openly show affection. I mean, I can make out and all that, but that doesn't count - I could do that with anyone, theoretically. The thing is that I don't like to say 'I love you' or stuff like that too often because when this ends, I'll look and feel like an idiot. So I prefer playing the cold-hearted/ less emotional girl so he's the one saying these things most of the time. Though I should say them once in a while, or I'll lose him. Gosh, I'm making it all so complicated. How much easier it would be if I'd just swallow my pride and live life like a normal person...!

I have a personal hot water bottle now. It's called F. I feel all warm and tingly inside when he's around. It's funny how feelings change over time.
He may be a bit awkward in some situations, he may be a complete beginner in some fields, he may do things wrong over and over, but he makes me feel happy. I'm fine with being me and not someone else thanks to him. And that's a lot.

/P.

only just a kiss

I don't know what to think when a certain guy kisses me out of nowhere while seemingly rehearsing our lines for a scene in the back row of seats. Don't get me wrong, it was just a little kiss on the cheek, but it still took me by surprise. What's more, this shouldn't be happening since he hasn't been talking to me much lately (though that's probably because I was sick for a week).
Ah, what to do? I feel guilty for not telling him off for it. It's not like there's anything behind it, but I still feel that I should have done something. Kinda defend my honour as somebody else's girlfriend or whatever.
Poor F. He has one mean bitch for a girlfriend and doesn't notice. I wish I could stop bad-mouthing him in front of others but he's so awkward in some aspects that it's hard not to. But he's sweet anyway. And warm and cosy and funny.
And mine :3
Yep, I'd really need one of his bear hugs right now.

/P.

kiss kiss bang bang

I was supposed to have a relapse into depression today.
I didn't. Thank God.
Instead I had an awesome lunch with F's family and lots of fun. Dinner was grilled stuffs we made outside and a load of snow balls flying everywhere while we were bellowing 'Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong. So yeah, it was pretty awesome.
I kind of get the feeling that I'm really happy around him. I mean he's totally crazy, but so am I and to be honest I don't care. It's just fun to be around him.
I realised on the train on the way home that I'm really gonna miss him during the holidays.
It's just that I'm beginning to get used to him, his presence, his warmth, his voice... and it sound totally cheesy, I know, but it's true. Though at times I wish it were different. Because when I feel this way, I start wanting commitment and long-term relationships and and and. Which is something I'm scared of. So.
But I wanted this post to end on a cheerful note. And so: Right now, I'm glad I went for it. I'm happy.

/P.

little round bread

I know I said I wouldn't go for it with F. But I did. As always.
I'm not serious yet, don't get me wrong. This needs time and thought.
The thing is, I really like him and his family is an awesome bunch of people and I feel great when I'm with them. Hell, the dinners at their place are the best I've had in a long time, just because of the atmosphere.
Plus I really like to tease him. Just provoke him long enough til he can't quite hold himself any longer. It's a feeling of control, in a way, but also of being controlled later on. Now that I've formulated it, it kind of sounds kinky. Oh well.

/P.

Snowstorm

There are some things that can't be said too often, because they lose their validity with time that way. They just become something that seems to be said out of habit, not something you actually mean with all your heart and soul.
That's why some things should only be said a few times in life, in moments when you really mean them. One shouldn't waste their worth.

/P.

baby, when the lights go out...

I know now why I'm afraid of commitment. Or rather, why I can't seem to believe it when I'm told that I'm loved.
I'm terrified of the moment when those feelings lose their validity. I've learned the hard way that nothing lasts forever, and I'm not even talking about just relationships here.
You see, the moment I embrace the feelings someone has for me and return them, that's when I make myself vulnerable. Because when that someone stops loving me, I'll get hurt. And I'll get hurt for sure. That's why I don't want commitment. I know that when I say that I love someone, that love won't just go away one day. A part of me still loves D, for example. It's still inside me, but it's not dominating or anything - it's just there. He was part of my life, and I can't forget that, no matter how much I might want to.
I'm so scared to be abandoned. I'm scared that he'll tire of me when he understands that in truth, I'm not a fun person to be around for long. I get clingy, I need constant proof that I'm still loved... But it's because I don't want it to end. I want to know what he thinks about me and if I'm doing anything wrong and whether he still loves me and if it's true that he actually does.
It's kind of a massive, paradoxical complex. I don't want commitment because it will end some day, but I want it all the same because I need the warmth of another human being.
And I just don't know how to cope with it.
I'm not made for breakups. And I know I shouldn't be so pessimistic, I should live for here and now, et cetera. But it's not that easy. God knows I wish that I could think differently. So if you think I'm paranoid and over-reacting, think twice; aren't I right to some point?

/P.

Bunny impression

I got new boots today :D

I'm at C's party and I have no idea why I'm writing this... J just arrived, gotta go say hi.

/P.

Pandas all the way

I don't know whether he's just crazy as fuck over me and a tad psychotic or whether he's just a really really sweet guy who's trying too hard.
I mean, who in his right mind would come see me for the only 30minutes of his free time during the day, on top of it by train? I don't know what to think. My brother thinks it's sweet of him to do so... he's all for love at first sight - I didn't know my brother could be such a romantic. It's kinda cute.
But on the other hand, we've only known each other for a bit more than a week. It might be too fast a progress if you ask me. Though it doesn't seem like it's been such a short time.
Should I believe for once that someone actually holds me dear? After certain assholes who claimed the same thing but turned out to be filthy liars, I'm reluctant to accept it. My self-esteem is so low that I can't believe it, no matter whether it's true or not. The trouble is, I want to believe it. But how do I know when I'm right to do so and when it's a mistake?

/P.

Minna-Cat

You wouldn't believe what a relief it is when you can just let yourself fall, knowing that there's someone there to catch you and hold you tight.

I know I'm using him to feel better about myself, for the physical and emotional warmth...
But aren't all relationships like that? We go for it because of our own desires and needs, not for the sake of the other party. No matter how we love another person, in the end, there's an egoistical reason behind it all.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself, I don't know. But I think I might just be right after all.

/P.

Apple

Seems that physical contact is important after all.
Am I too shy or too proud? Wish I knew. Either way, I can't say what I want at times, whether it's to save myself or my face. Isn't that kind of the same thing, anyway?
Desire is a tricky thing. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with other emotions as such, and still it's just as powerful. How so? I wonder.

I don't regret telling F that I really don't want a relationship (with him). It's only fair for him to know. But I kinda feel guilty for having to say it so harshly :/
Oh well, I just hope I won't feel sorry so much that I might do something regrettable tomorrow... I've already been warned not to.

/P.

British Devil

I've decided to break it off with potatohead-guy (as YD likes to call the acquaintance) as soon as possible. It's becoming pretty creepy.

On a more earnest note:
I need a hug. A true bear hug. I feel like I'm breaking apart from the inside lately - slowly, slowly. Like cracked ice. And I need something - or someone - to keep me together in one piece. Or I might just disappear.

/P.

sensitive neck (mine turtle)

Right, so the acquaintance is very serious about stuff I wish he wasn't serious about. I don't wanna marry in the future, I don't wanna have kids because I'd fuck up their lives for sure. I want to have fun while I can, I don't want commitment to a degree where someone tells me they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. It freaks me out. I'm terrified of such a responsibility and possibility. Most probably because I don't wanna screw up again. But on the other hand I want to find someone who can put up with me and who can accept me as I am. I want to be loved and to be treasured. Just like any other girl, really.
I don't know whether I should go on encouraging the acquaintance because he's in for a nasty surprise with me. I'm not ready for a relationship like the one he wants. For God's sake, I'm only seventeen and I've known him for more or les three days know. No, just no.

I found out something about Utah and I don't know what to do with the info. I don't know whether I should talk to him about it, either, since I don't want to be nosy or anything.

I am so full of doubts about everything recently. I wish life was more clear.

/P.

almost, almost

I wonder what's more 'acceptable' in society: a bisexual woman or a bisexual man?
Probably a woman, since we women are allowed to be all cuddly with both genders in the open without being stared at, while guys have to stay all manly and serious and shit.

For heaven's sake, has Utah ever even heard of the 3-second-rule? Anything longer than that is just awkward. And: if you decide to go that way, go all the way. Don't bail out on something you started.

Aaand the new acquaintance looked weird when I saw him again. Like, nothing special. He looked better the first time. Oh well, must have been the alcohol. And the dim lights at the party. Still gonna go out with him this week though, just to see how it works. I haven't texted this much in quite some time now.

/P.

right question, wrong time

I should defend myself once in a while and stop letting him do what he wants. I think I just don't feel like because it's funny how pushy he can be if you let him. We'll see, we'll see.

I met up with my half-sister today, it was fun. I wish we had more occasions to just hang out and talk. It's a nice feeling.

/P.

prod my nose

I've recently rediscovered the joy of writing little notes to people. I had almost forgotten the feeling.

The reading of the scenes I wrote was okay, I'm glad nobody thought they were crap (which was my greatest fear today). Since some people were missing, I hope I can get someone to play in 'Wake', because I really wanna play Lucy. She's one of my favorites - though I like Jennifer the best, because she's the most human. Or probably because she's me.

I'm going to watch Skyfall coming Sunday, looking forward to that, actually. Can't wait.

And finally, the question of this week is: What data was he talking about?

/P.

shenanigan

Awesome word, by the way.

I want a tattoo right over my heart saying 'alive'. Or two feathers on my shoulder blades. Or a star on my ankle. Stereotypic, but I like the motif. Or maybe 'walking on sunshine' on my sole... though I wouldn't be able to walk for some time which would suck, of course.

Starting to like the hugging thing.

I'm stuck with my monologue. It's almost, almost done but it's just not quite right. There's something missing. Raaah.

/P.

falling to pieces

Sometimes I have this feeling in my chest, like I can't breathe properly.

It's like something's trying to get out.

It fills me with this indescribable sadness and longing for something, but I don't know what, like I'm missing something but can't remember what.

It's just that I want to be happy for once. Like, really happy. I want to be able to say that I'm glad to be alive and that I'm loved and that I can look to the future with hope and confidence. I want to be able to say that I want to stay here, that I want to live.

/P.

Enjoy The Silence

Old but gold.
I found a stand on the Petersplatz selling vinyl plates. If I could, I'd buy the whole shop. The guy had almost everything I could dream of. Depeche Mode, Elvis, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, Queen, Jimi Hendrix, Dire Straits, Elton John, Tracy Chapman, Pink Floyd, the Doors, Deep Purple, Eric Clapton ... just everything. And what I just listed is like 10% or something.
Oh God I wanna buy them all and store them in my room and listen to them all day and all night and never go to sleep because who needs sleep if you have fucking awesome music to live to?

/P.

ouch

Ah, well.
Think what you like, it doesn't matter in the end.

Was at the Petersplatz/Münsterplatz today with some friends. I'm never going on that roundabout thingy again, I almost squashed LR and my leg to death. Never again.

Found out something nasty about a thing in my past this evening, too. I should die in a hole.

And in my defence, I might not have been the one who started showing interest (at) first, but my interest was triggered by certain implications by the other party. So no, no complexes over here, thanks.

I guess that's enough of (un)clear allusions for today.

/P.

deer in love lights

So, I rewrote the whole monologue, looks much better now.
But I know I'll be performing another one on the showcase anyway.

I'm kinda hooked to She Wolf by David Guetta recently, keep listening to it nonstop. It can't be long till I've had enough of it, though.
It's always this way; I find a cool song, listen the shit out of it and then abandon it for a new one. I can't just listen to a selection of songs like a normal person, oh no, not me. Sigh.

Update on Utah: he likes to 'hug' me on random occasions when it's really awkward (no idea what to think of it, but I just kinda lead him on anyway - I wanna see how far he'll go). And he's found out that my neck is really sensitive. I'm in for a tough week.

Just now I realized I haven't thought of D for a really long time. It's like he's just vanished from my life. Not that it's bad. I'd like it to stay that way, actually.

And I noticed that I get horny when I'm nervous. Thank God I'm not a guy, I'd have massive boners every time I'd have a presentation/test/something to say in front of the class in general. Which would be awkward. So thank you God for making me a woman, I appreciate it. But you could have made my boobs bigger. Just sayin'.

/P.

warm arms (cranberry sweets)

Still haven't been able to write a monologue. The thing is, I can write anything I want as much as I want, as long as I'm not given a strict subject. But when I have a limitation, however small, my brain kinda rebels and says 'no way I'm gonna do that, nu-uh' and then I'm basically screwed.
So yeah. I chose a hypocrite criticizing society (sound familiar?) but now that I actually get to write something about it, oh no, dear Mrs Brain won't comply. Bitch. And yeah, it's a she.

English was fun. Had a Harry-Potter-scar drawn on my hand (bitch, I'm Harriet Potter, so your argument is invalid), and got hugged by the warmest arm ever.
And the first rehearsal with Tumasz was pretty cool too, I hope I'll get to play Puck in the play. That would be really awesome. And I got to stand on a table. Always fun to do that.

And I'm hooked to cranberry sweets. The Ricola ones. I could nomnomnom them for ever. And probably die of diabetes. Yeah.

/P.

wildcat strikes

It's always nice to know that there's some gossip about you going around. Really nice. Love it. And yes, I'm virtually dripping with sarcasm right now.

So, this morning around 3a.m. I woke up to pain in my gut, and with pain I mean scream-out-loud-pain. By around 10a.m. I swear to God I was ready to grab a kitchen knife and cut out my uterus.
Too much information? Well, at least it will explain my ghastly mood in the next few days. In moments like these I hate being a woman, I really do.

On a friendlier note, I'm happy to congratulate LR on being a cougar and a babe. I love you. Like, to the moon and back. You're just awesome. And you blew my mind since you became one before me. Lol.

Also, I find Utah very interesting. Finger licking interesting.
(I changed my mind, so what?)

/P.

don't let me fall

I've noticed that I haven't been updating lately.

Anyways, so what's new?
I've started knotting those little hats for smoothies as a CAS project (cheers for me), and it's actually quite fun. I didn't know I could still knit in the first place. I guess it's like riding a bike.
Also, I think Mr Lashes from the acting in English course has a mild crush on me. Boo Hoo. It's always the wrong guys. Real shame.
I've started missing LR really badly during classes. I mean, sure, I have new friends and stuff, but she's still that unique crazy biatch who'd sit next to me in almost every class and who knows what I'm thinking before I do. Oh well.
And bunking school is a bad habit. A very bad one, on top of it.

I read this book called "Before I Fall" by Lauren Oliver, and I loved it. It's aboiut a girl who dies in a car crash but then she wakes up and realizes that it's the day of the crash but it hasn't happened yet, so she's kinda given a second chance.
It's a really good story, it made me think of how every day could be your last, basically. You never know whether you'll live to see the next day, or even the next few hours. You could be run over by a car, for example. It's not that rare.
I think I want to start looking at things with more interest, I want to really see things, not just look at them but not really notice them - you know what I mean? Everything is so valuable and unique, it's actually almost heartbreaking that it doesn't last, don't you think? We're not invincible, no matter how convinced we are of the opposite. We're not immortaal, either. We're fragile human beings with fragile bodies and souls. Almost like a porcelain doll that shatters into thousands of tiny pieces if you're too rough with it. We can shatter, too. Whether because of old age or emotional overload.

So, my motto of the week is: Value your life, value every second of it. It may just as well be your last. You're not as strong as you think you are, and most certainly not as strong as you pretend to be on the outside.

/P.

That Awesome Feeling When...

The clothes you picked in the shop are all one size too big for you and you can proudly take the smaller size.
You go to Starbucks and you actually get a cup of cappucino and not 3/4 of milk foam.
You get to meet up with an old friend and do some catching up.
Mum gets you three brand new cooking books to try out (yay, I get to cook, finally!).
Having a crazy family is just fun.

I had a cool last few days. I feel... fulfilled? Something like that, anyway. It's a good feeling, anyway. :)

/P.

Google Search, y u so random?

Seriously, dafuq? I mean, I was looking for a picture I'd seen somewhere on Google images, typed in "girl walking away in rain" and somewhere along the way this comes up.

But it's cool, anyway. lol

/P.

two weeks later

I just came back from a cruise. We visited the Italian coast, Greece, Turkey and Croatia - it was wonderful.

I finished reading Hannibal during the cruise. The most psycho end I've ever read up until now, all the more weird because I was glad of it. For some reason, I'm not at all apalled that the protagonist was pumped with drugs and brainwashed and now leads a happy life bathed in riches with a psychopath serial killer who fed her the brain of her nemesis. Yup. Happy End.

Another thing: Contrary to popular belief, girls also get friendzoned. Just saying.

/P

[update for no good reason]

I'll be going to Rome next week.
Ermagherd I'm so exciteeed! It's gonna be, like, taw-tally awesooome ~
Ok let's cut the crap.
Anyways I'm happy to go there again, it's a fascinating city. Been there three times already and I found new fun places every time. Cool stuff.
I'm thinking of buying something at the Hard Rock Cafe this time but I'm not sure because I don't really collect that stuff, but it'd be cool anyway... I guess I'll just decide when I get there.
And thenn comes the matter of the postcards. Ugh. I should stop promising people that I'll send them a postcards from wherever I am.

And on Wednesday we're gonna have a reading of my play! Yes, my play. I wrote one, pretty short, though (4 scenes). For the Acting in English class. I hope they all like it and we'll include it in the showcase.

There's, like, nothing going on here. I have no idea what to write but I feel bad when I see that I haven't been updating lately - not that anybody cares except for me.

/P.

fuck you :) ♥

Whenever somebody annoys you:

Just smile and kill them in your head. Slowly and painfully.

I've been on a dextrose diet recently because I'm so tired. I can't fall asleep lately, no matter how I try. I hope it's not insomnia or anything.

So now I've been eating packet after packet of DextroEnergy and washing it down with coffee in the morning because I feel like I'm going to tip over any moment and fall asleep where I land.

Yeah, at least if it were like that I'd take a day off and have a good day's sleep but I've tried and it didn't work. I didn't drink any coffee, had a calming tisane instead and tried relaxing. Which resulted in me being dead tired and damn bored but no more. I just couldn't fall asleep.

So fuck you, scumbag brain, for making me grow jumpy and fidgety during class because my organizm can't handle all the sugar. Fuck you.

/P.

a friend's art

Just thought I might share this with you. God I'm jealous.

oh, please -.-

So, Mother comes home and cooks dinner. I am in the house, say hello and help her unpack the shoppping bags, then go to my room.
After 20minutes I smell something nice and come into the kitchen. Dinner is eaten and the dishes are in the dish-washer. I ask why nobody told me there was dinner on the table.
The answer, Ladies and Gentlemen: I didn't know you were home.
Really? I mean, really?

Then I see that there was chicken for dinner and ask who ate the chicken I bought this afternoon to make tomorrow for our guests.
The answer, Ladies and Gentlemen: I made it for dinner.
Okay.

Then I ask why she ate it without calling me. Note that I'm the only meateater in the house.
The answer, Ladies and Gentlemen: I thought you didn't like meat.
Oh, come on. Use some other excuse, will you? You've known me for all my life and you're trying to tell me you don't know that I like meat? Please.

People, before you make excuses, think twice who you're talking to and try to keep at least a moderate level of intelligence. Thank you.

/P.

amuse me

Is it wrong to pull off a vindictive-hurt-ex-girlfriend act à la 'i-will-find-you-in-the-happiest-moment-of-your-life-and-destroy-you-and-everyone-you-love' on an ex who seems to not understand that he is a closed chapter in my life?
Because hell, it was loads of fun saying it. I kind of kept sniggering into my spaghetti after that because it was so much fun. I hope he understands now, at least he's in shock for sure.
I get it. I'm a freak.
But on the fucking bright side, no more "I'm sorry but I'm a victim too". No more "I love you, but I'm not good enough and this Edward-Cullen-act is so convincing that I'm sure you'll forgive me". It did remind me of good old Eddie C. by the way. Too bad there's no Good Guy Jacob to the rescue. No Sir, no Ma'am.

I've become very bitter, I've noticed. Good. Makes me less liable to fall for the wrong person again. Because that's definitively not happening. Nu-uh.
And yes, you may think that I'm still not over the ex (which is the new name I've given D, just for the record) yet because I'm writing about this but I assure you, the only thing I feel for him now is... what, really? It's not compassion, but smething similar. Can't really explain it.

So, what does this mean?
It means that I'm going to continue putting up the self-confident act, which the self-ironic vanity and smiles and looking for a guy to wrap around my little finger (haha as if that would ever happen, jeez I'm going too far, I've been watching too many soaps for my own good)...
By the way, I just call it an an act for old times' sake. You know, the times of the masks and shit. Makes me sentimental, you know? Ha, as if you would.

/P.

PS: Helu, YD, heard you read this stuff. See you on Monday.

inspire me

I have been suffering of a lack of inpiration recently. All I can get to paper are depressing short stories about unrequited/irrational (isn't it always irrational anyway?) love with resulting death.
Ah, the daily problems of an aspiring writer... Yes, I have the audacity to call myself a writer. (Oh crap now I'm even starting to talk all poshy-pompous like those 'intellectual wordsmiths'.)
I like the word 'wordsmith', by the way. It gives the work of a writer a whole new meaning. I actually worked up something on that subject, though it's just a rough outline and terribly unrefined.
A writer must be mad to a certain degree to be able to write stories. He must be completely off his rocker to write good stories. Just think: How else should he/she be able to invent and also sustain so many characters and their habits and and and...?
Anyway, an exerpt from my work today, which hasn't been very satisfying:

I want to be a writer.
Why?
Because I have ideas. Loads and loads of ideas. It's like my head is just cramped with voices and happenings that are just waiting to be written down. Sometimes I think I might go mad because of them. I will go mad. Someday. Probably I'm mad already. You have to be if you want to be a writer.
You have to have the iron will of a tyrant so that you can create new worlds, empires, a new universe.
You have to have the gentle heart of a maiden to create stories of friendship and love.
You have to have the dark mind of a devil in order to create villains and evil of all kinds.
You have to have the naive thoughts of a child so you can create one utopia after the other.
Having so many characters in your head, so many ideas, so many things does make you go crazy, you know.

I want to be a writer.
Why?
Because I want to dispatch myself from reality and escape into my phantasies. What better way is there to spend your life in ignorant bliss?

And another one, just because I'm in the mood:
I make words come alive. The letters dance before your eyes and form stories.
They laugh, cry, shout, whisper... they tell you about far-away places and kings on golden thrones--- I create entire worlds.
I am a god.
My pen is my wand. I make magic happen on a mere piece of paper. My words open the door to a universe of phantasy. My phantasy. Your phantasy-
I am a writer.
My head is full of voices. They struggle to break free and when they do, they flood out of my hand in waterfalls of ink. They torment me. They keep talking to me, whispering into my ear at night. They urge me to let them out into the world.
I am a poor fool with no sleep to spare, haunted by my own creations. 


Ta-daaa.

/P.

disillusioned

"Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"

---
I've been thinking about things more than ever recently. It's depressing, really. Even worse if you discuss the world for 1 1/2 hours in a dark park with somebody whom you usually wouldn't even meet up with for a second time out of principle - but fuck principles, I've given them up long ago anyway.

I've been thinking about the happy-go-lucky version of me, too. It sounds so, so tempting. You know, prance through life with not a care in the world. Tell everyone to fuck off with their worries and problems. Truth is, it's not that easy. I may be egocentric - this whole world is, anyway - but I can't just shut off everything. Despite everything I see what's going on around me and I can't turn away from it.

Example (for the egocentric character of our fellow citizens): There were two guys fighting in the school yard during the 10:00 break. One guy was pretty upset and really beating the other one up. And what did the other students do? Go on, make a guess. Bingo. Nothing. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody thought of trying to separate them. I wasn't there personally because I was talking to LR in the hallway, but then some classmates told me about it. Even they said they should have done something, but at the time they "just didn't know how to react". I'm not saying that I don't believe them. I'd probably be quite shocked too, actually. But come on, at least one of those students could have called a teacher if they didn't have the courage to step in themselves.

It's an important - though not very flattering - characteristic of us humans: we're much too egocentric, and that makes us cowards, too. The basic mentality is "this doesn't concern me, I'm sure someone else will do it for me". Bullshit. No-one will move so much a s a finger unless it's yourself. Simple.

And most people who prey on others (in any way, even if it's the local 'thugs' cornering a girl coming home after school) are scared away by merely someone stepping in and saying something. They'reused to people looking away and not caring, so that's what they expect, of course. Change that. Go up to them. They'll be confused and will back away. I've tried it and it works, so I'm not just giving you readers a moral lecture here.

So yeah, so much for Hypocrisy of Society 101.

/P.

nice guys finish last

Either I attract assholes, or they attract me.
Whatever it is, all I seem to get is assholes. (that's what he said)
Seriously though, why is it that the good guys tend to be overlooked and the douche bags are the ones who get laid and stuff?
I mean, even in films and series and whatnot, nice guys finish last.
We women are just too ignorant.

/P.

Read me my Miranda rights

Today I want to say something about hypocrisy.

First of all, there will only be a handful of people (if not less) who will really take you serious in life. Most of them will wear a mask of seriousness and concern and whatnot but believe me it's all a lie. Of course it is. And we are all the same in this particular point. I may sometimes think that what my conversation partner is telling me is complete bullshit, but I will listen patiently and nod and pretend that I understand what they're saying. You may meet an old classmate on the street and when they come up to you you have to give up the hopes of being able to just walk past them and pretend you don't know them. You'll have to smile, probably hug, exchange common set phrases and then walk away under a pretext, all the while thinking that you've wasted precious time on some unimportant and maybe uncomfortable piece of your past.
Yes, we are all hypocrites to some degree. I know I am.

Old wisdom aside: Hello there, ex-classmates, friends, enemies (...?). I heard you read this.
Oh dear, I'll have to hold my tongue now. No more ranting about everything (everyone). Not that I do, really. Okay I do.
And here again we have the proof to my old and ever repeated rant: I am bound by society. Out of fear of my status (haha), my dignity (what is dignity anyway?)... you get my point. I hope.

Back to hypocrisy:
I think you all know, my dear readers of whom I know now, where I am aiming.
You just love this, don't you. You feast yourselves on me, you pine to devour every last word I write. For shame. Have you nothing better to do in you lives?
Oh, but it's you who chose to make your so-called diary public, you may tell me now. Oh yes. It was my choice. But it's your choice whether you resist the temptation. Oh you silly, silly children, so desperate for other people's thoughts, words, lives because yours isn't enough. Tut tut.
I may sound reproachful. But I'm the same! It's only natural, so calm down, don't be upset. We're all in the same boat. Why else would E's blog be so popular? We just crave to know every last bit of each scandal, each problem, each emotion. The sweetness of the fact that it's happening to someone else, not us. That we can just sit and watch and enjoy the show. You know I'm right.
So if you see me in the hallway and choose to say 'hello' or 'how's your new class' or 'I miss you' etc, remember that I know you know.

I've probably made myself some enemies now, sounding aloof and all that. It makes it worse because - at least in some points - I'm right. People don't like to be proven wrong or guilty. Not that you should feel guilty, of course. Please, don't. Guilt is one of the worst things one can feel. Especially when it's only right to feel it. I know because I've been forgiven my ignorance and egoism more than once by a person who should have turned her back on me ages ago for what I've done (yes, sweetheart, I mean you).

/P.

inspired moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEsZheHrD2o&feature=plcp

As you know I have my ups and downs. Mostly in ten-minute intervals. Yeah.
But I'm determined to change this. There's no sense in succumbing to every mood/feeling that just happens to cross my way.
I'm too easily influenced by others. I can tell myself that I like someone a lot because they like me too, and believe it. I can be depressed the whole day by listening a sad song in the morning. I can be all high spirits after watching a little kid laugh on the way to school. But it's not good. Not healthy. Not nothing. It's just useless.
Therefore, I've conjured up three vital points that I have to keep in mind:

1. I will not live the life of others, nor will I feel dependent on or restricted by others/society. I will do what I want in life, I will achieve what I want, and if I don't succeed, at least I'll know I did my best. No more living in a golden cage.
2. I'm not a doll. I'm not something you can throw into a corner when bored and expect me to sit and wait quietly until you want me again.
3. I have my worth. There's no point in letting people use me or make me feel worthless, because I'm unique, special and proud to be what I am. And if I'm not proud, I should change what I am and become what I want to be.

Time to change.

/P.

taking it seriously

I told him to fuck off.
100 points for me.

Now that I'm technically free as a bird, it feels weird. The good kind of weird. No more commitment and stuff.

/P.

high on life

You know that feeling when you know somebody wants you and it makes you feel awesome about yourself?
You know that feeling when you taste a forbidden fruit and really really like it and want more?
You know that feeling when you want all of them to see you and only you?
This post has nothing to do with that feeling. :P

Bye.

/P.

good mood

Apparently I have the body of a goddess. At least according to some people who are gaga about some Paulina. Lawl.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood. Which is why I cleaned up my room today and plan on working out two times a week. And keeping a strict diet. Yay!!

My new class is loud and unfamiliar. I hope that I'll be able to get to remember all the names by Wednesday. I'm really bad at names. At least I know some people. Hah, GE is fun as always. Looks like SK missed him a lot ^^

And I'm broke. My handy is. Meh.

/P.

Dilemna

"I just came back from Woodstock and I've thought for a long time if I should write and most of all how to start so maybe I'll just start like this:

I'm sorry that everything happened the way it did this year, I heard that you're not allowed to be in contact with me or Zosia. I hope that next year it'll be better.

Now the second matter: I know I was wrong not to tell you about the way I feel on the first day but I just couldn't, I thought it would be better for us, it would be better if you'd just find someone better who'll be nearer and who'll be a better guy than me. It's not like I want it but it's the best solution.

I hope I haven't made you even more upset with this e-mail but I felt I should write it and, well, after two hours of sitting and pondering over what to write I just have.

I hope you understand. If you want everything to be as it was then write back, if you don't the it's okay. Delete everything and forget about me."

Just got this. And honestly I have mixed feelings about it. Should I write back? Or should I just put an end to all we've been through - all I've been through? The second solution sounds better on the long run, but right now I have no idea what to do. I guess I still love him. It's not so easy to forget. I may try to be confident, but something like what was between us can't just be forgotten and left behind. At least I can't do it. I'm too scared to.

What should I do?

/P.

"Summer Vacation Report"

As the title says, this is a report. Reports are long. Unless you’re bored and have a lot of time to waste, you've been warned.

First & Second Week: Horse Riding Camp

The good thing about going to camp for two weeks is that the second week is just fucking awesome in comparison to the first. My case was quite extreme. On the first lesson on the first day my horse – ironically called For Pleasure – threw me off, the mean way. Diagnose: contusion of the left hip bone. I couldn’t even touch it, it hurt so badly. Anyway, the oh-so-wise owner told me to move as much as possible until it stopped hurting. I did. Which resulted in my hip swelling terribly and me being driven to hospital. I was told to move as little as possible and they gave me some ointment. On the third day after the accident I was so bored that I just went to class. Turns out it doesn’t hurt when you sit on a horse. Good for me. Anyway, the show they throw after each week of camp (basically jumping a parcours) was a big fail for me since For Pleasure is the type of horse that kicks, bites and bucks out of spite and that neither goes forwards nor stops. Meaning that either he wouldn’t move from the spot or he’d just gallop away. Yay.

The second week was much better. My new horse was called Orlando and was a sweetheart. Easy, made me regain my confidence and joy of riding. Love that horse. The only problem is that he doesn’t like to be cleaned, which is pretty dumb. But no matter, outside his box he’s just wonderful.

Also, during the second week we got some guys. The first week was just me, my two roommates and two girls in the neighbouring room as the eldest in camp, the rest were 7-12 years old. You can imagine. The second week on the other hand brought with itself two “older” guys, of which (sadly, in a way) only one is worth talking about. To my horror he was only 15, but I could have sworn he was 17. Seriously, he looked perfectly 17: Too old to be 16, too young to be 18. But that’s not the point. He turned 16 two days later so it was okay. Everything turned back to legal again. Just kidding. But he was cute. Only so damn innocent in his own way. You can imagine all the girls started chasing after him since he was basically the only attraction in camp.

Third & Fourth Week: Lake Serwent

We come to the less amusing part of my report. As you know, I was – more or less – waiting the whole year for this moment. I was finally going to see D again. So far, so good.

The beginning of the first week of my stay was relatively unspectacular: The weather was shitty so there was nothing to do; I spent most of my time at Z’s place with her, her friend O and D. Now, D acted weird from the first day. He was distanced, barely talked and mostly focused his attention on Z when we were together. I tried to pull him away so we’d have some time alone, but it didn’t work, absolutely nothing happened. I was beginning to get frustrated. Here I was, believing his “I love you”s and so on, and here he was, acting like we were almost strangers. Z and O kept telling me that he was just shy and that he needed time to get used to me actually being there. I chose to believe them and hope for the better, though time was running out. After all, two weeks to make up for an entire year are just nothing. The affair reached a culminating point on Thursday (mind you, time runs slow there) when Z and O decided that on the eve of my birthday, we should celebrate it the” teen way”. Long story short, I got drunk, hit D in the face and left two blue marks on his left cheek (cheers for me), shouted at him for ignoring me and cried a great deal. I kind of made a fool of myself. On the other hand he got what he deserved, though I got hurt a great deal too. Apparently he’s “not able to love” and “thinks only about himself” because “that’s how it is when you grow up in the surroundings he was in”. Fucking bullshit if you ask me. It might be vain of me, but I believe he is able to love and loves me somewhere deep inside, he’s just scared of it.

Anyway, by now I had sobered up pretty much. But here’s the snag: I had promised to be home at 10:30 and it was already 11:15. We could hear the little brother looking for us so we ran back home. Of course we all reeked of alcohol so Z made me drink half a litre of milk and had me chew mint gum. Now it might sound funny and all, but we were panicking then.

Father of course smelled it anyway and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house from then on unless it was to swim in the lake. Naturally I was in a terrible mood on my birthday. The following week made me feel like I was living in a golden cage, no dramatizing here. Yes I had two friends stay over for the week at my place, yes the weather was great and yes being locked up didn’t mean Z couldn’t visit me. But she didn’t, and I just sat on the balcony all day either sleeping in the sun or looking out like a lost dog just in case Z happened to walk past. Yep. Of course there were some cool moments, like me bravely ignoring D when he happened to be at the lake at the same time as me and the two girls and seeing his face – oh that face was just priceless! – or the awesome rainstorm that caught us on the way home from a really long walk…

Yeah. My bad luck, huh?

Fifth Week: (undefined)

Not much here, just some days in Danzig and horse riding… my first time riding a horse with a hackamore by the way. It feels weird at the beginning when you know the horse doesn’t have a bit. Then two days at the cabaret theatre of friends of ours. That’s it.

Sixth Week: Sailing Camp

Kids afraid of the sail of their tiny nutshell boat. No nice instructors (S was in Zurich so my main attraction wasn’t available). No wind in the morning.

The rest was cool. Texting with someone who's a bit of a sociopath deep down (so it seems) and sometimes murders people in his head too (yes, you).

I like sailing. You feel a bit free, in a way. The wind tussling your hair and making you look like Medusa, water splashing on you and making you catch a cold… it’s worth it. No irony here. You feel complete at the end of the day.

And now I’m back in Basel.

Conclusion:

I’m free as a bird.

And I intend to stay this way for some time. Mess around. Laugh. Have fun.

After all, we’re on a timebomb.

x

Drop The World

One more day to go. One more. And we're all gonna be free as a motherfucker to do whatever the hell we want for six glorious weeks. At least, I will. I don't have to work on my HI, and my EE, and my MA. Eat that. On the down side I have one more year in school. Yeah. See what I did? I took your argument away, hah!
Sorry about that. For some reason it's easier to write in the same way as it would sound if I was vlogging.

Sooo I've tried living out the crazy part of me. So far, so good. Nobody cares after all, so it's just perfect. You see, we all think that whatever we do, someone will always notice , and we crave that attention, even if it's subconscious. But the truth is almost nobody gives a fuck. They're just bored and that's why they happen to notice something. And even if they do, what the hell? And still, nobody cares.
God, the apathy of some people, seriously. I'm a parade example myself so I shouldn't be talking, but I feel like I'm struggling against a concrete wall. Or more like a pool of jelly. I do move forward, but not fast enough, and the apathy and sadness have jet skis and helicopters. Get my point?
Oh dear I thought this was gonna turn out to be a positive post for once. Inner drama queen strikes again -.-

/P.

puberty is a difficult stage in life.

Sometimes I feel sad. Because I feel guilty. Because I feel misunderstood. But most of all because I can't openly be me. That's unfair.

I like to be mean. I like to hate other people. But I'm also afraid of being hated myself, of being an outcast. I blame it on society. Look what you'e done to your children. You've turned them into robots who struggle every day to fit in, to be the best at everything, to be the prettiest, to be the smartest. Free society my arse. We're more vulnerable than we realize, and when we do, it's too late.

/P.

Let It Go

"first things first, nothing lasts
so don't settle for second best
mend the hole in your chest
'cause what you see is what you get

so get on with your life when it's over
let it rest, leave the past in the past

reconsider yourself when you're sober
just let it go, make it fade, let it slide

take a break, make a change, take your time
let it go, let it go"

It felt good to let go.
Though JB probably hates me now, haha.
It really felt good to just let go. You know, let myself drift and just make and let things happen.
It's a type of dangerous freedom; delicious, but quick to make you choke on it if you're not too careful.


/P.

the answer, my friend, is...

Why am I such a masochist, you ask.

Some of you may think that it's pure stupidity, or that I'm just gullible. Others may think that I see myself as some sort of heroine in a real-life drama. And others yet tell me they think I just like the pain.

Honestly, it's none of the above. I don't really know why I am who I am. I guess I've just learned to deal with it in such a way that constantly being disappointed doesn't affect me any longer. It just happens, but I don't feel like it concerns me. I've distanced myself from my surroundings, I just observe, like it's not me who's living my life but an actress and I'm just a spectator.

A depressed person's attitude? Maybe.
Or maybe indifference and apathy are the only efficient ways to protect oneself from being hurt.

/P.

Faded Silhouettes

So today it's official. Goodbye old class, I'll miss you. I'll miss absolutely everything, even JB and CH's nervous leg tic that makes me go mad.

I've started to notice things about people in my class that I hadn't seen before. For instance, JZ has a dirty sense of humor that makes his eyes twinkle; and he brushed back my hair this morning, or maybe I'm just imagining things. I remember that a lot of the girls used to have a crush on him. CG isn't annoying, she just says what's on her mind. CH is a sweetheart (I knew that already) and he's vulnerable just like the rest of us (that I didn't). He just shows it more now. LR is an insolent brat but she's my second half. I realize it now more than ever because I know we'll be apart from now on.
It's always like that, isn't it? As soon as something is liable to be lost to us, we treasure it more. We suddenly realize how precious it is and regret not having cherished it when we had the time and chance.
I did cherish every moment I had with my class. After all, I've spent most of my life up until now in school, with my classmates. They're a big and important part of my life.
One day I'll look back and think about all the things we went through, as insignificant as they may seem to us now, they all have an impact on who we are. That's why I love my class so much: the impact has been nothing but positive. I've never met or heard of a better class.

Sometimes I wish I could stop time. The picture stands still, the laughing faces don't fade, the happiness of the moment remains in our hearts. It's hopelessly poetic and probably incredibly daft to you, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? To, just for a brief moment, experience a lifetime of happiness. A brief moment that, for us, would last forever.

/P.

But really

Why do I keep doing everything wrong?!

Whatever I do, although it seems like the right thing to do at the time, it ruins everything. It's like I'm destined to fuck everything up from the start no matter how hard I try to do it right.

/P.

same same but different

Don't dare telling me off for writing about the same stuff all the time. It's my blog, nobody's asking you to read it. Over here, things go my way. Deal with it.

The development of my relationships can be defined by 5 passages (in songs just to make it more dramatic and fun):

Meeting:
We're on a timebomb
It might not last long
So let's just do it right now, do it come on
——————————
Dating:
Here we come
Come with me
There's a world out there
That we have to see
Take my hand
Close your eyes
Whith you right here
I'm a rocketeer
——————————
Breakup I:
We've run out of words
We've run out of time
We've run out of reasons
Really, why're we together?
We both know it's over, baby, bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all
——————————
Breakup II:
Cause I'm not coming back I'm closing the door
I used to be tripping over missing you but I'm not anymore
——————————
Coping:
Come on people, we have all seen the sunshine
We will never get back to
To the old school
To the old grounds, it's all about the new found
We are the newborn, the ones who wanna bounce
(We are the future and we're here to stay)
We've come a long way since that day
And we will never look back, at the faded silhouettes
——————————
Rebirth:
Tell me now
D'you wanna wanna
I wanna wanna
Dance like it was the last dance
We're on a timebomb
It might not last long
So let's just do it right now, do it come on
We're on a timebomb
Before the night's gone
Let's just do it right now, do it come on
....
The circle never ends. We keep making the same mistakes.
What I wrote can be applied to most relationships with slight alterations like getting bored with each other or whatever. But the general picture remains the same. We're all stupid and gullible when in a relationship. We don't learn from the mistakes of others because we're naïve enough to think that "it won't happen to us". It's dumb and senseless. I think I slowly understand why E thinks so little of it.

We're on a timebomb, so let's make the most of it. Let's not commit ourselves to one person and savour life. Sounds good to me.

/P.

at war

You're too nice for the world for it to be kind to you.
Are you happy with me?
We need  to talk.
Do you love me?
I'm don't want things to stay the way they are.
You think too much.
Do you know what an open relationship is?

Words, words, words. They keep raining down on me. They're threatening to bury me beneath them. So many words. And all of them have the same message: something bad is going to happen. None of these sentences and questions ever means anything good. Ever. So why do I have to hear them one by one? It's just not fair. I might deserve to some degree, but still...!

I'm scared of being left behind. I'm scared of being disliked and not accepted. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being deceived. I'm scared of becoming old and fragile and helpless. I'm scared of what comes after death, the unknown. I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared so much that I try to hide, changing all the time, morphing into this and that until finally I don't know who the real me is. Sometimes I want to know the truth. Sometimes I don't. The likes of me are probably described as cowards. I feel cowardly, but I also feel justified in my fears, for some reason.

What are you afraid of?

/P.

Strangely enough I'm not afraid of opening up here. It's like talking to your pet; they don't understand, but you still feel relieved after telling what's on your mind.

me . ! ?

It's funny how someone trusts you enough to tell you his/her deepest thoughts, worries and sorrows even though he/she doesn't really know you. I've come to the conclusion that it's all about appearance. If I seem innocent - not mentally since it's common knowledge that I'll see something pervy in almost everything, I mean emotionally and morally - then people are more likely to trust me. I'm the cheerful girl, the crazy, random one who's always hanging out with LR. I'm one of the good guys. Seemingly.

To tell the truth, I don't know who I am. Yes, I know, it sounds like the typical crisis every teen goes through. Honestly I don't even know why they call it teen crisis if most adults have the same problem.
The point is, I don't want to know who I am. I'm scared of finding out. Mostly because, though I don't know who I am, I know what I'm capable of. And that's what terrifies and fascinates me at the same time. It's like I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror, and I know how I look like and I know what I've done in my life but I can't see what's inside. I can't look into myself and see what lies beneath.
I wake up every day, I go to school or whatever, I talk, laugh, cry, I eat and sleep, but it all feels fake. Like I'm one of these tin toys that have to be wound up so they work. Every day the same thing. I make the same mistakes, I keep running on the spot. Nothing changes, I can't move on.

It gets tiresome.
I wish I knew more. Not only about myself, but things in general. Another thing I'm scared of: not knowing enough. And being hurt because of it.

/P.

no church in the wild

Recently my life has been filled with evil premonitions and a feeling in my gut that makes me want to puke. So far, all the premonitions have come true. Why don't I live in Delphi by now?

First premonition:

Some months ago. I woke up and immediately had this weird feeling that something bad was going to happen. Sure enough, I almost broke my neck falling down the stairs, and my teacher told me I was going to fail the year if I wasn't going to do anything about it.

Second premonition:

Some weeks ago. I felt sick at school. When I came home, father called and told me my uncle was being operated in hospital because of a stroke. Later a friend wrote me an sms telling me my favorite horse (in the stables where I go for a camp every year) had died. Colic.

Third premonition:

Wednesday. I was on a date with the boyfriend and something had been feeling very wrong since morning. Sure enough, he became my ex-boyfriend an hour later.

Fourth premonition:

Today. D talked to me on the phone, and I felt like I was going to break. I wanted to puke. The premonition has yet to come true. Wish me luck and bad intuition, because if it's right, I'm doomed.

Though I kind of deserve it. I'm not exactly a saint. But it's too late to admit that, isn't it?

It's funny, really.

/P.

just my mood swings

Things are getting worse with the Hypersensitive Brat. Like, I can't even be in a bad mood? Bitch, please. I might have more ups than downs in my life, but when I do have downs, they're pretty fucking bad. So shut up. And let me be at least a bit pissed off. And don't make me feel like an asshole. I have the right to be in a bad mood, to be sad, to make a big drama out of nothing. I do.

So shut up and fuck off, or hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

/P.

Grande Finale

In Gioia's words:
Byotch Plez! I can handle this :)

No, really. My conscience is better now. No more guilt.

/P.

Words Of Wisdom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd05kpKaYr8&feature=relmfu

This guy is so right that it hurts.
Massive respect to Nick.

New Territory

It's always awkward when you enter someone's house for the first time. You know, it's like new territory and you're kinda like an intruder, but at the same time you're not since you were basically invited, right? Anyways, I was at JB's place today (geography presentation and stuff), and it was awkward. Like, more than usual. Probably because he's not a good friend, just a friend. Not close enough, if you know what I mean. God I'm not making sense.
So anyways I just wanted to ask if anyone else felt this way too when they visit a friend's house for the first time. Just to know whether I'm the only one - and thus the weirdo - or whether it's normal.

/P.

Coffee :)

Try drinking Irish Coffee:

1 Measure of Irish Whiskey (3-5 cl) -> NEVER use scotch (it's gross)
1 teaspoon of sugar
Hot strong coffee
Whipped cream

Pour hot coffee in a heated glass. Add sugar and stir to dissolve. Mix in the whiskey. Top with whipped cream. Serves one.

Smells Like Teen Sprite

I identify people by their smell.
D smells of something I can't describe, but it smells pretty fucking good. The boyfriend smells mainly of pears and water. LR smells of kheer (an indian dessert). Mum smells of soap and paper, father like his aftershave and sprite and little brother like berry syrup and metal.
The list goes on and on.
It's pretty weird, really.
Certain smells attract me, especially D's, even more because I can't define it. PB smelled really good on Thu in the Mitte by the way. But that's kinda off the topic. Sorry.
I always wanted to smell of sandalwood. It's a harsh but at the same time sweet smell; a perfect reflection of my character/feelings. Instead I have to be content with nectarine and cherry. At least that's what I smell like according to Mum and D.
Hmm, cherry. Maybe.
...Maybe.

/P.

fun facts

D:
- smells nice
- is kind
- is sensitive and shy (but doesn't show it)
- is sarcastic
- has awesome eyes
- has a scar on his left shoulder which he got before he was born
- has a wonderful smile
- makes me want to be a good person
- loves music
- has a photographic memory
- mopes around a lot
- is honest
- enjoys silence but likes to listen to Death Metal
- takes "stuff to prevent me from doing anything to myself"
- doesn't really like his parents
- looks after his younger siblings
- drinks a lot (too much)
- can be irritated easily by ignorant people
- has a soothing effect on me
- has a voice that sends shivers down my spine
- makes me miss him awfully
- never fails to make me smile
- thinks his life is boring
- doesn't talk much
- has to be given a little push so he makes the next step (in a relationship)
- has a hearing problem with his right ear
- doesn't have any facial hair (except eywbrows ans lashes); a matter of genes
- has a thing for subtle signs of love
- sometimes moves to music without noticing it (like tapping his feet)
- lives in Warsaw
- makes me think of sentimental and poetic shit ever time I think of him
- never writes much in SMSes or mails but has managed to get me addicted to any sign of life from his side
- says he'll die young because his kidney won't be able to endure all the alcohol he drinks
- takes Krav Maga lessons
- likes to read Manga
- doesn't or can't show his feelings properly... Which makes me feel like I'm disturbing him or not loved/wanted by him, which in turn makes me feel insecure and confused
- looks like a good kisser (according to M and J)
- can kiss. He seriously can kiss.
- sometimes surprises me with spontaneous ideas (-> skinny dipping at midnight on my birthday)
- reminds me if Winnie the Pooh in a twisted kind of way
- "supports women's will of self-dependence"
- hunches his back which makes him look 2 cm smaller than he really is
- likes to bitch around about his fingernails
- likes to play basketball
- is a bit of a gentleman
- loves me .

Pears, Water and Soap

What do I like about you?

- you're responsible
- you accept me for who I am
- you don't try to change me
- you make me feel comfortable around you
- you do and say cheesy things for laughs
- you smell like pears, water and soap
- you're important enough for me to feel guilty
- you've managed to make me smile properly
- you love me.

Thank you.

/P.

Dear D

Write, you fucking asshole. You promised.
At least fucking call.
I miss you, you coldhearted prick.
And don't say you're sorry again. If you were you wouldn't do the same mistakes over and over and over and over again.

/P.

Well, Damn.

I'm prety sure I'm gonna fail this year. I've almost given up already.
So I thought I'd organize a kind o farewell party or something, though I don't know when yet.
Anyway, I'm gonna miss my class like hell. It's the most awesome class I've ever been in and it's a fucking shame that I'm gonna have to leave.
Damn. I really wish I had done better, maybe I would have if I hadn't slept at all.

You might see me smiling, or laughing, or joking around, but inside I'm pretty much depressed. I just don't want too many people to know (it's not like anybody reads this so it's safe here) so it's not awkward if I pass after all (haha wishful thinking lvl 9000).
Just pretend not to know. I'm still fucking here. Also I wanted to say that I did give my best and I did try and I did fight.
So yeah.
That's that.

/P.

Jealous?

Right. I never thought I'd live up to this day. So the boyfriend has this best friend, and she's a girl. Yes, sounds like drama material to me, too. But you see, here's the thing: It's not. She has a boyfriend herself, who by chance also happens to be the boyfriend's best friend too. And she's really nice, both of them are. I don't exactly belong to the group yet, but they accept me as "the boyfriend's girlfriend" basically. It's a start.
Anyway.
I know I shouldn't, but I feel uneasy when that girl is around the boyfriend. It's not like I act different with other people than when it's just the two of us, so it's not a problem of "distance" or anything. It's just that legère way she has with him that I don't. It's something only best friends can share, I can't really explain it, but once you're bf and gf then that... aura or whatever ceases to exist. You have other things best friends don't have, but the intimacy is on a different level. Yeah, intimacy is the right word. And that's what I'm jealous of. Even though I have more than enough. It's just something I want but I'm scared of it at the same time. The closeness would be too much to handle when it comes down to being completely honest and trust one another. You know why.

/P.

Late.

Story of my life. Guys, if you don't want to be friend-zoned, tell the truth. It takes guts and you take a certain risk, but isn't always like that in life? And who knows, maybe you're lucky...?

So Far.

"Wake up
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable"
-System Of A Down

Again, the sad truth behind our masks.
Every morning you wake up and the first thoughts that come to you probably aren't "I'm awesome" or "I feel great the way I am". More likely you thoughts sound more like "My hair looks terrible" or "I'm fat" or "Nobody understands me". Admit it.
Then you walk into you bathroom, wash your face, notice that your forehead is too high or your eyebrows are too dark or whatever. You try to correct those 'faults' and mostly end up looking worse than before. After that you dress up; you notice that those new jeans are still too small and you have to lose more weight, or that your favourite T-shirt is suddenly a bit tight around your hips. You make a big drama about all of it in your head, not noticing that in the eyes of others, you're probably someone they would like to be like. It goes on and on and on. Nobody is happy with themselves. I'm not, for that matter. And I probably have no right to be saying all this in the first place since I can't really be a role model.
People, have more confidence in yourselves. You may think you're ugly, whether it's on the inside or the outside. There's something beautiful in everybody, sometimes you just have to look closely to see it.
You can always change, and you always have a choice.

/P.

True Colours

I was talking to C the other day and came to a conclusion about myself. My behaviour changes accordingly to my surroundings. I don't try to fit in or anything, I just change.

It made me wonder.

Everybody lives behind a mask. Everybody has their secrets that they don't want others to know about. This way of thinking may seem paranoid, but let's be honest: it's the truth. And the reason why people shove away this way of thinking is because they can't admit to themselves that they're exactly the same.

I remember all the posts from way back last year when I'd be this depressed kid who'd hide her tears behind a smile. Most people would put it off as teen drama and stuff, but I think that I wasn't the only one who's reality actually looked like that.

And, after all, even if it's not always at the same level, all of us are in a way pretentious. Some of us just seem to do it better than others.

/P.

Sleeping Beauty

Her colors are faded

She’s wrinkled and dry

Frail, sure to break

At just the wind’s sigh

Yet she stands upright

With iron will

The dead rose

On my windowsill

Little Red Robin

Of broken hearts and dreams that shattered

Of feelings hidden and words that mattered

Unbeknownst to the gods above

He sings a song that tells of love

Precedents of Dawn

The curtain falls, the lights grow dim,

Backstage, applause is but a murmur,

A faint memory of things long gone,

Good and bad, deeds on a whim-

And the actors bow and smile,

Discarded, precedents of dawn.

Ponderings on a Winter Morning

A barrier, invisible but steadfast

Looms in front of my eyes

Cold at touch, the mist settles around my fingers

The trees outside stir, I hear nature’s old heart

White wind sweeps through the valleys

And stillness takes over the vivid colors of life.

Positive thinking

"Everything is good with crumpets involved." (Chealy)

Let's be positive. In less than 2 months the summer holidays begin and school can kiss my ass goodbye for 6 weeks. 6 glorious, relaxing weeks. Yes.
But.
Before this wonderful episode of recovery, I have tons of essays, tests, presentations and hours of school in general that I have to survive. On top of that I have to write my MA during the holidays. Oh and I'll only be spending 2 weeks in 'my' forest in Poland where I get to see D again. Two fucking weeks. Two. No more. It's like father's doing it on purpose. Two weeks just aren't enough to catch up for a whole year, it's impossible!

But back to being positive.
-Staying over at the boyfriend's on Sat, to get rid of the pressure and stuff. Sounds like fun to me.
-Almost finished German essay, finally.
-Ex-bf looks like shit, makes me feel better about myself.
-Dreamed about slapping LR and for all the times she's made me feel like the bad guy when I wasn't. Woke up feeling fulfilled.
-D gave a sign of life, acted overly nice. Probably guilty. Or nervous because we're seeing each other soon. Has a huskier voice than I remember from last time, sounds kinda sexy.

/P.

Moonlight

So come a little closer
Show me how
It's okay to be lost
And it's okay to be scared
Stay a little longer
I need you now
Because you make me feel stronger

-James Cheal aka ChealyTheNinja

things i did today (don't read this)

-wake up
-throw up
-take medicine
-sleep 1hour
-wake up
-throw up
-read my french and german books
-take medicine
-sleep 3hours
-wake up
-eat a portion of rice with apple mousse
-be scared of throwing up
-not throw up
-take medicine
-write on my HI

If all the medicine I had today should work, I'll be back tomorrow. If not, I'll make sure to invite those who knew me personally to my funeral, because I seriously feel like I'm about to die right now.

/P.

"oh..."

That moment when you're bored and decide to check on this guy you crushed on for almost three years and realize that he's pretty damn hot and has a really cute girlfriend

Yeah, "oh..."

/P.

scamz

.....or maybe they all think it's a scam to get attention and ignore it on purpose, hoping I'll stop. Sorry guys, you'll have to wait a long time. I can't get rid of my personality just like that.
Speaking of which, it was really hard to keep the smile on my face today. Especially after getting my mark for my math portfolio. I'm really disappointed, I thought I'd done better. Dammit.

A scam. Hah.
Half of it is, actually, a scam. Sometimes I hate the whole world so much I could scream out loud but I keep that dumb smile on my face anyway. I laugh, I joke, I act stupid. It's relaxing. At some point, I forget my anger, hate or whatever and just go with the flow. From then on it's all 'au naturel'.
One of my excuses for hiding all negative emotions deep inside me is LR. She gets upset when I'm grumpy or sad. I hate it when she's upset. It makes me feel like it's all my fault. But seriously sometimes I just have to tell her what I really think when she says something dumb but then it's immediately about me being mean and insensitive. Okay. I'll go back to smiling and laughing again, if it makes you happy, baby. She's such a fucking spoiled brat, but I can't say no to her. Yeah, true love.
Love as in sismance, mind you. Purely heterosexual.

I feel unmotivated. Like, totally unmotivated. I have to do sooo many things but I simply don't feel like. My body won't move one inch from the bed. If I could I would just stay like this until I die.
I want to have a pet. A parrot or something. Yeah, a parrot. Or a mouse. Or a cat. Cats are cool. I'd call mine Simon. Or Dog, for the fun of it.

/P.

crazy?

"You know, you act really random all the time, but nobody seems to notice or care. Is it because they're used to it or because your randomness comes over so naturally that nobody actually realizes it?" --J.

I don't know. I just act on impulse, I say what I think or feel at the present moment, I'm very direct at times. I used to care about what to say and whether it was bad manners to say this and that... but then I thought, fuck that shit. I'll just be honest. The acting on impulse is more of an impulse really. (No pun intended.) It just started one day and well yeah, it's just stayed like that. I can't really explain it. It's.just a part of who I am.
People do react to my behavior. Sometimes they're taken aback, or they think it's funny, or they ignore it, or they are the same, or they just smile and think "that girl needs to grow up".
What does growing up mean, anyway? Becoming an adult doesn't necessarily change one's behavior or  humor or habits. My mother still laughs at my aunt's pervy jokes that used to be funny during middle school. A friend of ours still plays silly games like story telling with her husband when she's bored because it's still fun. All this seriousness is so pressuring, nobody tells about the half childish stuff grown-ups do. So don't tell me to grow up. I'll stay a kid for as long as possible, until society kicks that kid out of me by force. Is it so bad? I don't think so.

/P.

"Are you happy with me?"

You're kind, funny, sweet and it's never boring around you. You pretend to have a big ego and act a bit like a macho sometimes, but behind all that you're just the cute guy next door who's just waiting to help you out. Most girls would ban you into the friend-zone, but you were lucky with me - we never even became friends to start with, which makes you my boyfriend and my boy-friend.
Yeah. I am.

Sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing to do.

/P.

Mother Nature is a bitch

Yeah. She is.

top thoughts of the day

- i can't speak french

- i can cook pretty well when i want to

- biting one's nails isn't sexy

- little dogs in trams/buses annoy me for some reason, i just wanna kick the shit out of them

- he loves me? seriously?

- practice makes perfect

wake me up when the school term ends

Haven't posted for a while. Nothing much going on anyway.
The boyfriend's coming over to cook on the 12th, sounds weird when I say it. Mother wants to test him. Sounds even weirder now that I think of it. Oh well, that's just how this family rolls.
Little brother's in trouble. Again. Don't know what to think of him. Once he's philosophical and really intelligent, then he's dumb as fuck and thinks he's almighty. Puberty or split personality? Hope it's puberty.
The other boyfriend hasn't said a word for a while. Renovations my ass.
iPod's broken down, can't switch it on, have been charging it for the last two days hoping it'll wake up. Hasn't worked as of yet. Time for a new one. Or at least a new cell phone. Or a new laptop. Or a new life, for that matter.
Feel like falling asleep on the spot. Can't. French presentation on Monday.
Hope to enjoy myself on Tuesday. Probably won't. Maybe just sleep the whole day. Don't know yet.

/P.

true story

 so true...

Coz Real Vampires Don't Sparkle

Distracting Myself

And there it is again: that looming accusation in the air every time my brother looks at me. He's like Jimminy-fucking-Cricket or something. Oh God it makes me so mad!

I've started watching True Blood, and I'm hooked. It's way better that Twilight and has more style than the Vampire Diaries. The werewolves are either bad-ass or really hot, like, as in fucking manly hot, not Taylor-Lautner-omg-he's-so-cute hot. The vampires are serious and cool, they don't act like fags and mostly don't look like one either.

Saturday is home-alone-day. Yeah. Would have sounded good if I didn't have a younger sibling. And an official boyfriend. All of which is a good enough reason not to trust me and asking my neighbor to check on us every now and then. I'm going to die if that woman speaks another word to me, I swear. My ears hurt just thinking of her.

I know it's not right to compare, and I know all I write about is guys, but you know what, fuck this shit. My blog, my rules. You don't have to read it.
D has called me, what, maybe three times since the last time we met, otherwise it's just E-Mails and texts. I went on a holiday for two weeks and the boyfriend calls me five times. Now tell me, is that not a reason to think he's a sweetheart and good enough to be mine? It is, isn't it. Just saying.

/P.

controversial

Is feeling happy about something that isn't good wrong?

I feel happy. I feel guilty too but mostly I'm just happy.

Call it wrong. It is. But it feels right for some reason.

/P.

Why is it that I always write about boys?

-My life revolves around school, swimming and boys  (sadly nothing more) -There's nothing else to talk about
-Anything else is even more boring

Happy?
'Cause that's all I can say for a reason.

/P.

Everything's Fine

It's amazing how somedbody can call you after weeks of silence and make it sound like there was but a day or two between your last conversation and this one. But I haven't forgotten. I count every day that seperates me from that person. And here is this porson, cheeky enough to pretend that everything is just fine.
Somehow I'm not so sorry for cheating anymore.
But then...
"I love you."
He said it for the first time. Well he's said it a few times, but not directly. Usually it was me who said it first and he'd say "me too", and that was it. Yesterday, he said it himself. It took me by surprise. In fact, I was so shocked that I forgot to be glad. I didn't know what to think. But then I felt really happy. Because no matter how angry I was at him, he'd finally said it. He probably just said it to placate me. It worked, of course. Deep down, I'm a simple person, despite everything. So easy to read. Sometimes I wish it were different. But sometimes, like now, I'm glad about it, because it made him say the words.
I may sound naive, but it's true. Like everyone else, I want to be loved. And because I want to, I believe him.

/P.

Level Up (pokémon style)

*weird 8bit music*
Flirt is changing... Flirt is evolving!
*more weird music*
Flirt has evolved! Flirt is now Boyfriend!

So yeah. That's what I wanted to say.

I was at the cheesiest date ever yesterday. Seriously. But I wanted to do it so bad that we just did and it was so much fun that even I was surprised. Oh God. Now that I think of it it really is stupid.
Anyways, we went to the zoo. Awesome, right? E's probably groaning and rolling her eyes at the cheesy childishness and all the sweetness that just makes the teeth hurt. Even I was tempted to do so. But it was really so much fun... After that we went to his place, watched some TV, made out etc, etc. But that's not important.
I feel at ease when I'm with him for some reason. He's cuddly and warm and his brain is not between his legs like with so many others. He's just normal. And normality is just what I want. Nothing overly sexy, cute, handsome or whatever, just normal and fun.

In the beginning, I just wanted to keep this "relationship" on a shallow level. He was just supposed to be someone I could make out with without having to deal with any relationship problems, like love or whatever. A flirt, a fling, something not that important. But when at some point this person tells you you're very important to them, you feel like banging you head against a wall for being stupid and not cutting all ties from the beginning. Which is what I felt like.
But then I did some thinking. He liked me, he wanted me. It felt good to be wanted. It made me feel better about myself. And it felt so damn good to be held by someone.
Aaand I hadn't made out with anybody for half a year. "Oh my God", I thought. I didn't know how I'd managed so far.
Maybe I'm desperate. I don't know. All I know is that it's fine right now.

But I had a nightmare today. D killed himself because he found out about me and FI. I was really in shock when I woke up, because behind this happy, lovey-dovey me, there is still a worm that keeps nagging me. It keeps saying "cheater, liar, hypocrite". And it's damn right. Which makes it even worse.
D killing himself because of me is stupid. First of all, it means that I think much too highly of myself because obviously it would mean that I am loved a lot. Which is not true. So he wouldn't ever do that.
But still it's unfair, right? I mean, for him. Ah, having a conscience can be so tiresome at times.

But it is as it is. And since I'm a notorious masochist, I don't intend to change things as of yet.

/P.

Small Notice

Just so you know, I can't get that ad off my post, I don't know how it came there in the first place, it's pretty annoying. And ironic. Haha.

I have to call my matura-something-adviser but I can't reach her, which is pretty stupid because I have to hand in my form until Wednesday. Bitch.

Aaand I have to convince my mum to let me go out tomorrow evening (FI's birthday), gonna be a tough one.

/P.

Show-Off

Yeah I wanna brag. About my oh-so-great date today. We're meeting up on Wednesday again. Which is pretty awesome because he's cute. We spent almost four hours at the Rhine and then went for a walk to nowhere in particular, which is why I was late for dinner and had to eat a fattening pizza instead. But even the pizza tastes good today for no reason. I'm not in love, he's just a flirt for now. I'm still not over D, and I don't want to use F to forget him either. I just want to have a normal relationship for once, and he came along so I decided to give him a chance. And why not? After all he's pretty okay, to be honest.

/P.

Insomniac

This is just the insomniac me writing random stuff about myself because I have absolutely nothing better to do.
I watched 3 eps of Dexter today, as in the crime series, I realized that the dude who plays Doomsday in Smallville plays a bad guy there too. But he's a pussy in his one, so I'm a bit disappointed.
The little brother was being an eyesore today. Since Mom's not here he thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants to. Well he's wrong. The neighbor was being annoying too, so I decided to go shopping. And what does she do? She fucking cooks all the eggs in the fridge without any obvious reason. Now I can't have scrambled eggs for breakfast. Dammit.
I'm having an instant soup in the cup and just burnt my tongue.
I've realized that I've had my braces for 5 years before getting them out. I found an entry in an old diary.
Fun fact of the day about me: All of you don't know half the things going on in my head.

/P.

what's happened so far

Was at the party yesterday, it was pretty lame at first and only started getting interesting past twelve. Got drunk so it was more fun, made out with a random guy who I thought was L's bf but wasn't. Going out with him tomorrow. Went shopping today, got new ballerinas and a book (yay!) and three shirts so I'm fine for now. Decided to get a life for once and not pine after D (they're renovating the apartment so he has no internetz - as if I'd believe that).
So that's that.

/P.

mandy

R.I.P. you crazy, crazy girl.

He misses you.