Level Up (pokémon style)

*weird 8bit music*
Flirt is changing... Flirt is evolving!
*more weird music*
Flirt has evolved! Flirt is now Boyfriend!

So yeah. That's what I wanted to say.

I was at the cheesiest date ever yesterday. Seriously. But I wanted to do it so bad that we just did and it was so much fun that even I was surprised. Oh God. Now that I think of it it really is stupid.
Anyways, we went to the zoo. Awesome, right? E's probably groaning and rolling her eyes at the cheesy childishness and all the sweetness that just makes the teeth hurt. Even I was tempted to do so. But it was really so much fun... After that we went to his place, watched some TV, made out etc, etc. But that's not important.
I feel at ease when I'm with him for some reason. He's cuddly and warm and his brain is not between his legs like with so many others. He's just normal. And normality is just what I want. Nothing overly sexy, cute, handsome or whatever, just normal and fun.

In the beginning, I just wanted to keep this "relationship" on a shallow level. He was just supposed to be someone I could make out with without having to deal with any relationship problems, like love or whatever. A flirt, a fling, something not that important. But when at some point this person tells you you're very important to them, you feel like banging you head against a wall for being stupid and not cutting all ties from the beginning. Which is what I felt like.
But then I did some thinking. He liked me, he wanted me. It felt good to be wanted. It made me feel better about myself. And it felt so damn good to be held by someone.
Aaand I hadn't made out with anybody for half a year. "Oh my God", I thought. I didn't know how I'd managed so far.
Maybe I'm desperate. I don't know. All I know is that it's fine right now.

But I had a nightmare today. D killed himself because he found out about me and FI. I was really in shock when I woke up, because behind this happy, lovey-dovey me, there is still a worm that keeps nagging me. It keeps saying "cheater, liar, hypocrite". And it's damn right. Which makes it even worse.
D killing himself because of me is stupid. First of all, it means that I think much too highly of myself because obviously it would mean that I am loved a lot. Which is not true. So he wouldn't ever do that.
But still it's unfair, right? I mean, for him. Ah, having a conscience can be so tiresome at times.

But it is as it is. And since I'm a notorious masochist, I don't intend to change things as of yet.

/P.