New Year's Resolutions

Since I'm going to be completely isolated from the world for 10 days (1% hope for internetz, not much if you ask me), I thought I should write them down spontaneously now. This might turn into a monologue, so ignore the frustrated accusations/reproaches/whatever.

-> Forget D (get over it, girl, it's finished, and you did the finishing, what the fuck is your problem?!)
-> Stand up to my father (still not able to do it... my heart just breaks at the thought of his disappointment in me every time I try to say No)
- Get on better with my brother ( yeah right you're just hoping for him to stop calling you slut or cunt every time he sees you since that's what all girls are in his eyes anyway)
-> Get better grades (seriously I'm panicking now I don't want to fail and repeat the year)
-> Go shopping less often (it's like a stress-killer, and I'm addicted)
-> Build up some muscles
-> Improve my self esteem (it's, like, somewhere down in the cellar at times, and that needs to stop)
-> Buy a new laptop (mine's a wreck)

I bet my efforts to put these plans into action will be almost equal to zero, but oh well, its tradition.

/P.

PS: Merry Christmas and stuff ♥

Liar

LiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiar.

Stop. Gluing. Yourself. To. Me. And. Get. A. Life.

That's what I wanted to tell him. Stupid motherfucking idiot.

Okay. Phew.

I think we all know who I'm talking about so let's just get over it. I absolutely can't tolerate this any longer. And please E, promise me not to get hurt (as if you weren't strong enough, but sorry for overestimating you if I am). No luck with my (decreasing) crush so far, I might as well give up. It's no fun anyway. Better to be single and happy like before.

/P.

Magpie

You always want what you can't have most. It's like a shiny jewel just waiting to be picked up and treasured. But when you pick it up and look at it closely, it's just another stone that glistened in the sun, deceiving you. You throw it away but always remember it, wondering how you could be so stupid to be fooled.

/P.

Crave You (or: vain little Me)

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you...

The lyrics say it all.

/P.

stormy, stormier...

The awkward moment when... the storm outside your bedroom window turns out to be a cyclone/mini tornado (name's Joachim, just fyi).
The even more awkward moment when... you realize you've fought yourself home through a wall of 80 km/h windspeed.

Yeah that's right. I checked it out in the internetz - at least now I know why I could barely walk against the fucking wind that kept blowing in my direction.

/P.

i dare you

I dare you to read the letters 'til the end. And I mean the end. I was too damn creeped out to continue after some time so I didn't watch the videos. damn.

http://katytowell.com/projects/31-letters-from-the-previous-inhabitants/

I found Katy by chance on Youtube and then I found out that she'd written a book so now I'm gonna buy it. Her stuff is so creepy! I love it! *shiverrrrr*

good luck

/P.

stormy

I just managed to come home in time before the rain started falling. It's raining like fuck right now. My window is rattling. I hate this type of rain. I prefer the non-windy, anti-creepy, steady and peaceful rain. Not this shit.

My mind is a storm. I don't know what to think.
One voice tells me to stay in the background and watch because it's none of my fucking business. Another tells me to act, now, because if I don't something bad may happen. Yet another tells me to chill out and wait, because everything might turn out just fine without me doing anything.
The thing is, it might not. What if what she needs right now is a hug and a few comforting words... But what could I possibly say?
What do you want me to do? Help me so I can try and help you. Because I really want to.

/P.

the good thing about school in the evening

the beautiful sky outside the window...

...and the wonderful sunset

I think the title says it all :)

/P.

wiser than before...?

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle, that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected.

/P.

react

How would LR react if she knew I was bi?

For one, her face would be priceless.
But she'd totally freak out. Maybe throw a tantrum. Or even cut ties.
Omg I should never tell her.
On the other hand why should she worry - I'm more into boys anyway. Duh.
Ah fuck it.

/P.

complicated

Being in a relationship is complicated

Being single is even more complicated.

I have a crush and I refuse to admit it to myself. Because deep inside, I'm still hanging on desperately to D though I swore to forget him. But it's always like that. You can't just turn off your feelings with a flick of a switch. Though it would be so much easier.

The worst part is that I have absolutely no idea how to cope with this crush. It's a minor one, but it could grow into a bigger crush. And that's what I don't want. Because it'll end up like always: regrets and crying in a corner, wallowing in my self-pity.

On the other hand I could approach the situation optimistically: If my feelings are returned, it might be a good chance to forget D and start anew. I'd have someone who would hold me and who's warmth I can actually feel. It would be real. Not just a bunch of memories and a cup of hot tea in the evening. I guess I'm desperate for love. Everyone needs love, and I need a bit more than the others.

/P.

moin moin rain :)

So I'm writing this post just to annoy my mom who wants to use the internetz... never mind the randomness.

My German teacher back in OS used to greet us with a "moin moin" every morning - apparently it means Hi in Denmark and South Germany. Why am I even telling you this?

It's raining now. So great. I love rain. ♥ I wanted to go for a walk but it was too cold so I stayed home.

Tomorrow's Zumba time. It's fun, but not that hard as I'd expected it to be. I mean it doesn't veven make me lose my breath -.- I should take 2 hours instead. :)

/P.

attention please

is it wrong to be jealous of a friend just because she got more attention than me for once? i feel like a mean bitch. it was so damn trivial and actually it would never ever matter but today this thought just sprang into my mind saying "why are they listening to her? i'm more interesting anyway, look at me, me, me!" and then i felt really awful for thinking that. especially because i should be happy for her and because i'm absolutely not more interesting than her. so here i am, trying to relieve my conscience by trying to admit that i'm just an egoistic brat.
i guess i like getting attention. everyone does, to a certain degree. and my degree happens to be set higher up than with others.

/P.

thx

just had a link-fight with PB, sending each other funny pics... aww he always knows how to make me laugh :)
it's strange how i can forget that i have friends that actually care how i feel and try to get me on my feet again. i know i'm an ungrateful bitch. so thanks for making me feel better!

/P.

feeling like this isn't fun

clinging to anything that might make you feel better than the shitty state you're in right now

thank you teddy for being there for me, but you're just not enough

...why does it have to be like this???

stuff to say

Was on the winter ball yesterday evening, music was - on a scale of 1t o 10 - maybe 5.5... so it pretty boring halfway through coz there was nothing to do but try to dance to a few sucky songs (okay it wasn't that bad) oh and the aula was just full of first- and second-years... That didn't behave like first-years. Jesus, kids, if you feel like fucking, please do it elsewhere. Dry-humping in front of half the school seriously isn't advisable. Thank you. And undressing your girlfriend halfway also is something to do at home. At. Home. Not in a room packed with people who I'm pretty sure don't really want to watch you.
Aaand I have the feeling we have a new couple: MH and RE. Yep, MH came a bit tipsy and well I guess he found the courage to admit his feelings. Kind of. Plus I think E was a bit jealous? Well, anyway, I guess I should just stand back, it's none of my business anyway, though it's fun to watch and gossip.

I feel like I still have a hangover. Mom wasn't here last night, my brother is at a friend's over the week-end and the cupboard with the liquor looked oh so inviting. So when I came home, I suddenly felt this really really heavy load on my shoulders, and I became so damn depressed I couldn't help it. So. Welcome to my life as a single. And yes, I am beginning to miss D a bit, though I shouldn't.

I'm hoping to fall in love again (omg I said the forbidden L-word, badbadbadverybad), it's on my list of New Year's resolutions. I wanna be loved again...

Yesh, I does.

Thanks

T cried her eyes out to me today. It's annoying that I can't really help her, because she has to figure this out on her own somehow. The only thing I could do was hold her and just listen. It's quite depressing when you want to make it easier for a person close to you but you simply can't because the problem lies inside them. She has what I would call a burnout. Still it's always a relief when the person smiles a bit and tells you: "Thank you for listening to me. It really helps having someone to talk to."

T, if I can do anything, just tell me. I'm always there for you! ♥

So please don't be sad, okay? Somehow we'll figure out all this crappy stuff going on :)

/P.

Guilty

For some reason I've been feeling depressed and guilty lately. Depressed is understandable but guilty? It's just that I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me I've done something bad. But what??? It's really pissing me off! Maybe it's my subconscience... I dunno. Whatever -.-

/P.

Strange

So I went to C's birthday party Friday evening. I actually had fun. Okay I always find a way to have fun, but this was so strange! I mean there was absolutely no alcohol (the parents - yes there were parents present! - drank it all and seemed to have much more fun than us), this fourteen-year-old kept looking at me weirdly (yes I was together with kids and yes it was perfectly normal for him to look that way because seriously my behavior was far from average), oh and we had to play a game that  don't want to explain because it's more complicated than it looks and the last time I played it was in kindergarten. This may sound like the worst evening ever, but... it was awesome. Yes. I used the A-word.

I had this really weird dream last night. I was in our holiday apartment in the mountains together with PB and LR and we wanted to go sledging but there was no snow. LR suggested that PB look out of the window and check if the sledging track had enough snow (seriously wtf). PB went out and came back as JL with a ring and proposed to me, then D climbed through the kitchen window and said "it's okay I like LR now anyway" and then LR slapped D and started crying about everybody being mean and her not having a boyfriend. That's when I woke up fucking confused and thinking "WTF is wrong with me to have such weird stuff going on my head?!". So you can guess in what mental state I am today. Bingo. Brainfucked (my new favorite word) and damn annoyed at everything.

Speaking of annoyed (omg rant-alert!):
My CAS-advisor mailed me because I haven't done shit on managebac. I don't feel like doing it now. I just might add procrastination to my activities... No seriously why the hell do we have to reflect on our activities??? I feel stalked when I have to write stuff like that. Argh. Please let me die somewhere in a deep dark cave away from the rest of the world....

Fuck this is a hell of a long post. Yeah screw that.

D hasn't written back, he promised to do so. Not that I care. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

/P.

Jerk

He's started hitting on me again.
S is the type of person who doesn't take no as an answer. Sometimes that might be cool, but otherwise it's just really annoying. I mean how dense can one be? Is it so damn incredible that I'm not interested? Jesus Christ he needs a hell of an update about the meaning of "rejection" and "no".
L had to laugh when he went too far and I had to say the crucial words "Hands off me, don't touch me there, Jerk!" during school. It may sound like a "that's what she said :D", but, unfortunately, it really happened. So. I'm pissed.
So great he didn't come to school today.

/P.

Ahem...I guess this is a response?

Okay so my response didn't fit into the comments thingy, so same here.

I absolutely agree with point N°1. It's the macho in a man that rebels against a girl asking him out instead of it being the other way round. And he doesn't, he takes her for granted and hurts her.

Point N°2: Ahem. Well. I think I sense an allusion to a certain douche we both know.
Besides that, yes, of course it's important to consider that it's always better to have one the guy instead of five that aren't. We all want to be loved... *sentimental moment*
So anyway, I feel like being a sucky friend and a bitch so I'll forward this message to LR and tell her to not blame me for her lacking ability of attracting individuals of the opposite sex.

What I actually wanted to say in my previous post is i.a. that I was a bit irritated by LR. I am not to blame for her not having had a boyfriend until now.
Either she's jealous and makes really really upsetting remarks about AP to make herself feel better and thinks she's funny and doesn't understand when I tell her to shut up about that already - seriously what kind of friend is she? - or she's sad and I have to comfort her with "don't worry you just haven't found the right one yet"-phrases. So, what to do? Maybe she was just jealous. I dunno.

/P.

Awkward x3

The awkward moment when...

1) Your friend introduces you to this guy from Poland and both of you have absolutely no idea what to say, let alone if in English or in Polish.
C is from Poland and yay E thought why not let the two of us have a chat. In the end there was an awkward silence and then N saved me with a question about our French oral presentation.

2) Your best friend tells you that you seem much more popular with guys than her and that's why she doesn't feel confident.
No, seriously: Am I really popular with guys? I don't think so at all. More like I'm not. L, sweetie, you might have noticed that I'm short of a boyfriend? If I was popular, where the fuck is the queue?!
...Anyhow. She got dumped by LC but she knew that coz it's his birthday on the day of the ball and PB... well PB wasn't going to go anyway. And then she's like "I bet he's have said yes if it was you" and I was like "why the hell do you think that?" and she says it's because I'm popular with guys. And then on top of it (mind you I was feeling pretty bad by then) she tells me she has no confidence of finding a boyfriend at this rate because she just isn't like me. What the hell?! Argh, I almost strangled her. It's precisely because she isn't confident that she doesn't have a bf yet. And okay she should learn to change from childish to earnest and fun to talk to in seconds when a boy is around.

3) You realize your brother has been masturbating under the shower.
Yes. The day has come. Usually you'd think it's the mother who finds stuff like that out, but no, it has to be me. Eww.

/P.

French

great pick up line for douchebags: (say this with a thick french accent)
"Euh... excuuse mee, um, m-my inglish is not very goud, but I french quite well ;)"

French presentation tomorrow.
...
OMYGODICAN'TDOTHISI'MGONNADIEEE!!!

so yeah. go figure.

/P.

*pat pat pat* ♥

Another One Dead

Sooo two more people want to go away from our class. Sissies! :P
No seriously in the end, the only ones left will be like 15 people or so.

Today's theatre class was fun, I was supposed to die during a game and didn't because I was too lame to get it so I just continued walking around (much to PB's annoyance ^^)... but yeah then I got killed by J and kind of died really weirdly... with this totally theatrical sigh. L laughed her ass off which was weird because du-uh what kind of corpse laughs?! And yeah that's pretty much how my life looks like right now.

I like E :)
*pat pat pat*
You know what I mean <3
*more patting*

Haha I had so much fun today acting weird and random and childish (as if I don't act like that anyway)... Life can be really cool if I manage to forget all the shit stuff for a while :)

/P.

Yes I Can!

Dear D,

Hell yeah I can.

I'll fly away from you and never come back. I'm determined to.

Dress

I fell in love today.
I found her in C&A, huddled up between violet and blue satin.
My dress.

I bet I trolled you with the first sentence.

So anyway, I bought my dress for the winter ball and I'm fucking happy about it. It means that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I still need shoes though.
Ugh, buying shoes is the most tiresome thing ever. But it's fun anyway.

/P.

25% credit for improving my bad mood this evening go to E. I love that song :)
Though if I was in a really nasty mood I'd call you a bitch for reminding me... ;)

Smile

I did it.

I was smiling when I threw all his pictures, letters and whatever other souvenirs of his in a cardboard box and stashed it in the cellar.

I figured that if I smiled, it would be easier. It wasn't.

I'm going to go to bed now and cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll go shopping and distract myself. And in the coming days... I'll just continue being "myself". Same old me all along the way.

/P.

Diagnosis

I think I never told you about my one and only session with a psychiatrist. Really weird person, she dressed up like a lawyer and behaved like a kindergarten teacher. Totally un-stereotype. Maybe that's what made me feel at ease, ironically.
I was there because Mom had found out I'd been making deep scratches with needles in my skin. I didn't like cutting. Too fast and painless. With a needle, you really have to carve your way through the tissue to make a proper mark. Much more effective. Haha, yeah, it sounds creepy, but that was the Me then. At school of course it would be the cat that scratched me or the pavement I had fallen on or something like that.
So anyway, the shrink told me that my hyperactive, child-like behavior was an instinctive compensation for the stress and negative feelings inside me. I didn't believe her. Now that I think about it, it could actually be true. I've stopped harming my body. I've stopped telling myself in the mirror every morning that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I've stopped loathing everyone around me, be it friends or family. But the sadness remains. The emptiness. It's all still inside me. It's just hidden very well.
I don't know if it's alright for me to write this all here. I don't really care. I just felt like saying it.

I was looking through my old diary from back in 2nd grade (of gymnasium, obviously), and I found this:

Ouch. I think I got something in my eye.
Oh, it's the wind, it's drying my eyes out.
No, it's nothing, I guess I rubbed my eyes too hard.
Excuses, excuses, excuses. People just love to believe that everything's okay. They refuse to see the truth. The truth that I'm hurting. That it's not the wind that makes my eyes water. It's not some stupid pollen that makes me cry. It's simply sadness. Something hateful. Something they don't want to see. So they don't. They believe a lie, knowing full well it's not the truth. Stupid, naive beings.


Heh, so Emo-like, I know. But that's me. Yay.

/P.

Think twice before believing someone that they're fine. Look at them properly. See them. Maybe in truth, they're vanishing slowly, sinking in their problems.
It's okay to look. It's okay to realize. It's okay to ask. It's okay to help.

Nothing Much To Say

Since IB, I have no life. I've said this several times, I know. I just feel I need to say it again. Argh. and even though I'm in the IB-class, which is, like, the class, I feel stupid. Stupid, far from intelligent, childish.... sick. Makes me scream.
What would people think if I just started screaming in pain during class? Haha, the looks on their faces would be worth it, I guess. Oh the pleasure of getting attention..... for what? For the painful reality others don't want to see? My ass. I'll just continue smiling. For the sake of society. Heh.

No response from D. He wrote on Monday, I admit, but seriously, that just doesn't count as a proper response after 3 weeks. Nope.
Friday is D-Day. D's day. Doomsday. I like the ring to it. I don't like the meaning of it.
The countdown starts at midnight... from then on, I'll give D 24 hours to write. If he doesn't, BOOM! I'm dumping him. For real this time. No more saying "sorry but..." or "I love you so..." or "please write" or "I have my reasons". No more shit like that. Not for me, anyways. I can't take it anymore. It really hurts.

/P.

How To Get Rid Of A Roommate

I was trying to get my thoughts off D, and then I found this... I lolled ^^

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore" 

2. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the book is. 

3. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."  

4. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him something, go to another room and call him on the phone. 

5. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging sounds, until he gets it for you. 

6. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 

7. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing beans". Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can, and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 

8. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now." 

9. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning. 

10. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 

11. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns until he pays the tickets. 

12. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them. 

13. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings. 

14. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!" 

15. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 

16. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me and the bunny." 

Grenade 2.0

So yeah. He wrote back.
Reasons given for not writing:
- "he had his reasons"
- family problems

Seriously, who writes "I had my reasons" these days?! That's the line I usually hear in soaps when a guy tries to get out of an awkward situation. Grrr.

I want an answer in the next 3 days, because on Friday, it's the final deadline. If I don't know what the fuck is going on by then, I'm breaking up.
This'll mean:
- a lot of moping around
- a lot of crying
- a lot of regretting
- a lot of all that stuff you do when you break up with the love of your life who turned out to be a regular jerk like the rest of the male population (with rare exceptions, of course)

/P.

Workout

Decided to stop moping around about my hips and thighs. Started to plan daily workouts. That was half a year ago.
Now I found my workout plan again while cleaning my room (yes! cleaning! it's unbelievable isn't it??) and decided to start doing it for real. So yeah. Cheer me on.
I managed 20 minutes today, and I plan to let it be like that for the next 3-4 days until I raise the time to 30 minutes and then 45. Yay. I definitely will change.

Oh yeah and I promise I'll start eating properly again. I had to swear to Mom already coz she found out the only meals I'd been eating were bread during break and salad or yogurt in the evening. She almost killed me. Well anyway I'll start eating properly from now on. Pinky swear.

Immortals: Review

So, since I've got nothing better to do, I want to review the film "Immortals" I watched with LR yesterday.

Synopsis (really really shortened, the film went for, like, 2 1/2 hours or something):
This totally-hero-type-guy Theseus lives in a village that is attacked by this totally-bad-type-guy King Hyperion. Luckily, Theseus was trained by Zeus himself in martial skills (he doesn't know it's Zeus coz he's clever and disguises himself as an old man), so he kills, like, 10 soldiers before getting captured and enslaved. His Mom gets killed by Hyperion. Later in a desert he meets the oracle of Delphi, Phaedra, and escapes with her and some random thief guy who becomes him best friend. Phaedra tells Theseus he must bury his mother, he does it and finds the Epirus Bow, which by chance turns out to be this awesome, all powerful bow. That bow, also by chance (note the sarcasm), is something Hyperion badly wants so he can win the war. When Theseus finds the bow, he gets attacked by this crazy guy with a torro-mask-thingy who's, like, 2.5 m tall, and gets scratched with poisoned claws. Phaedra nurses his wounds, they have sex, all the mushy stuff. The three friends then go fight Hyperion, the bow gets stolen, and Hyperion releases the Titans (really really bad guys who were locked up for a looong time and are pretty angry about that). The gods come down and fight the Titans, all get killed except Zeus, while Theseus and Hyperion fight man-to-man. Theseus kills Hyperion and then dies himself and his soul (a shining golden light) flies up to heaven.
In the epilogue, Theseus and Phaedra's son looks at the memorial sculpture of his Dad, touches it and has a vision of the great war of the gods up in the sky. Zeus, again as an old man, tells him that soon it will be his turn to walk in the footsteps of his father. The end. Oh yeah in between all these there was only fighting, fighting, fighting, blood, slow-mo's of smashing heads and bodies being cut up... The usual stuff.

Actors/Characters:
- Henry Cavill / Theseus: totally the honor-justice-type, nice body, not so nice death
- Freida Pinto / Phaedra: pretty, but obvious role,loses virginity and can't see the future anymore (how dumb is that?!)
- Luke Evans / Zeus: *heart* awesome Daddy of the Gods *heart*
- John Hurt / Zeus in disguise: *like* from wand maker to crazy old man
- Kellan Lutz / Poseidon: looks like a gay goldfish (his head decoration was just really awkward), the poor baby gets chopped into little pieces
- Mickey Rourke / Hyperion: fucking sadistic guy who castrates his followers, literally steam-cooks three innocent women (who pretend to be the oracle Phaedra to save her)

Rating:
5 stars for the action/effects, 4 stars for the people's looks, 3 stars for the story, 2 stars for the death of practically everyone important, 1 star for all the weird things that didn't really happen in the legend (like boys being able to have visions; it's only possible for women to have them... at least something women were good at in those days)

Tadaa, a totally irrelevant review. Yes I'm really bored to do this kinda thing.

/P.

Moody

I think I just got dissed today...
Okay so just because I think Shakespeare is more interesting and witty than Mr Bean doesn't mean I'm trying to sound intelligent, okay? My mom raised me with Shakespeare and Andersen, so I like their stories/plays/whatever a lot. That's the reason.
Why am I justifying myself right now anyway?

Right. I sound like a bitch.

8 more days to go to D's final deadline... I've been swearing to myself that I'll dump him if he doesn't keep his word this time. But of course, as I know life, I won't do any such thing. I'll just go on pining like an abandoned puppy. I seriously don't have any self esteem when it comes to love. But!!! I still have a shred of pride left in me. So I'll definitely try and forget him. Jerk. Such a lovable jerk...

I'm in serious need of a fairy godmother right now if I want a proper dress for the winter ball. Fairy godmother, can you hear me? I need you right now, so it would be really cool if you'd... I dunno.... *poof* yourself over here and help...
Yeah whatever.

/P.

i feel like...

YEP. PRECISELY.

school

I seriously hate school.
Tomorrow, I have school the whole day. THE WHOLE DAY. Until 6 o'clock. Without breaks. Nope, not even lunch break. The. Whole. Fucking. Day. And I have a huuuge exam in the last two hours.
FML.

autumn leaves are falling

autumn leaves are falling

like red rain from the sky

colorful and beautiful

a dance of little raindrops

carried away in time

not sad, not happy either

just dancing with the wind

autumn leaves are falling

years of love go by

colorful and beautiful

they fade in blurry patterns

i stop recalling faces

not sad, not happy either

just dancing with the wind

Grenade

Did your world ever fall apart in a split second? Mine hasn't. Yet.

Two more weeks to go. D promised he'll have written by then. In two weeks time, a part of me will die. Because I know for sure he won't keep his promise. And if he will, then what he'll write will break my heart.

I live, knowing I'll die one day. I know the day will come eventually when my heart will stop beating and I'll draw my last breath. That day is years away. But the day I die... that day is near. Just because I'll still be breathing, it won't mean I'm alive.
I have no hopes for a positive future with D. Not anymore. It's actually ironic that the only person I've ever really loved could break me so quickly.

We haven't broken up. Not yet. But I feel it coming.

/P.

The Last Time

"Those people aren't happy. You only kiss like that when you know that kiss is your last."

This made me think.

On our last evening together, D and I kissed exactly the same way. It felt like the last time. It was the last time. At that moment I thought it was because I'd have to wait for a whole year to see him again. Now, when I think back, maybe it was because I knew we'd never manage to stay together. We still are what you could call a couple, but its just no the same. I miss him like hell. He doesn't even consider me to be worth enough to write to me, let alone call.

He's a good kisser. That's what I thought. But it didn't feel fulfilling. He was so tender, so soft... too tender. The less he gave, the more I wanted.

Me: Kiss me, damn it, like you mean it! Or I'll break apart!

D: If I kiss you like I mean it, you might just disappear...

Two different thoughts.

Why did it have to be like that?

/P.

Chameleon Circuit

The first band ever who motivated me to start watching a series. In this case, "Dr Who". Epic songs.
Favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjJWbtCShqo

A Letter

Dear D

I love you. I always will - you'll have a place in my heart forever.
Do you love me? Will you ever - you never told me properly.

When I fall in love with someone, it's either everything or nothing. Everything I stand for revolves around that special person. When I love, I give everything. Many people would say that's stupid and dangerous, but that's just who I am.
When you fall in love with someone, you don't show it. You're afraid of rejection and are careful to seem indifferent. When you're in love, you try to suppress you feelings as if they were bad. Many people would say that's stupid and senseless, but that's just who you are.

The person I love always has first priority. I want to be there for him, no matter what happens, no matter how far away he is. I miss him every single day and every second thought is dedicated to him.
The person you love (?) is the last thing you think of at the end of the day. Only when you go to bed do you remember that somewhere out there, there is someone who loves you with all their heart and mind. You think that writing something is too tiresome if it's done more than once every week, so you just bury yourself in school work and training and try not to think of the person you love (?).

I'm writing this letter to you because I know you. I know you because I love you. I'm guessing you don't read my mails, however rare they are, anyway, so I might just as well publish this letter here, for everyone to read. Everyone except you.

You're the reason I can't sleep at night. You make me cry every time I'm reminded of you. You never call. You never write. If you do, your words are short, distanced, worthless, meaningless... They don't say anything. They're empty. Just like you.

In truth, you're quite the hateful type of person. And yet I love you so much it hurts. Why?

One day, I'll manage to forget you. One day, you'll regret you didn't make an effort to keep me beside you. One day, I'll find the person that'll make me happy. Although my heart will never belong to them. It's forever trapped in your warm hands, your soft touch, your voice, your very existence. As long as you exist, I'll die slowly, bit by bit, eaten up from the inside. But I will find happiness nevertheless. Somehow. I'll keep trying as long as it takes.

Never write.
Never call.
Never care.
Always loved.
You.

/P.

Outing

What happens when you out yourself?

Mostly people look at you weirdly, become nervous in your presence or ignore you. Sometimes they accept you as you are. Sometimes they're intelligent enough to realize that what you are doesn't change who you are. You're still the same person they knew earlier, with the only difference that they know something more about you.

I wonder if I'm bi. Okay, I had a sexually based relationship with a girl once, but that was in 6th grade, so it was more like kids trying out forbidden things. And I tend to like boys more. Definitely. Even though I sometimes think a girl is totally hot - but I just think it, I don't actually get turned on or anything. Does that make me half-bi? Or hetero with a will to bi so I can call myself special? Difficult to say.

E once asked me if I liked L more than just as a friend. The answer is: Yes and No. She's like the twin sister I've always wanted... she thinks the same way as I do and she's as crazy as I am. Our bond is stronger than friendship and even stronger than love, I dare say. It's something unique and special, and I don't have any definition for it. I love her, yes, but it's a platonic love. Something like bromance between girls, I guess.

To make things easier: Yes I'm bisexual. There's no way to avoid it, and I have no problem with it. The first person I outed myself to - in the proper way - was A, about whom I know she's bi too. It was easier to tell her since she knew how I felt. One day I'll have to face L and T and my Mum and father and everyone, but not yet. It's so much easier to write this to an unknown audience. I don't have to look you in the eye and say: Hey, I'm bisexual, but yeah, big deal, I'm still me so let's just pretend I never said this and continue live life like we used to, okay? I'd do so well in an outing speech... (note the sarcasm)

/P.

8

8 more months to go...
It's better now. I don't miss him that much anymore. Maybe it's because he doesn't write often since he has no time. No time, my foot. If he'd write every three days or so I'd be totally hooked, but he writes once a week at the most.... what does he expect of me? To sit and wait like a loyal dog? No thanks. The more I miss him the more I want to just lunge at the next best guy that comes along and hook up. Forgetting is a terrible thing. But it feels good once you're done.
The worst about missing someone is the memory of their touch and warmth. You can remember their voice, their smell, their looks, but their touch is something that just can't be compensated by your memory. It's too real. Which is why deep down inside, I hate myself for getting into this mess. I'd sworn never to start a long distance relationship again, and here I am, pining over my miles-away-boyfriend. Go me.

sick

It's official. I've inherited my Mum's migrane-gene. It's become more and more frequent, and I spent today with running back and forth between my bed trying to sleep and the bathroom to throw up. And then it was suddenly gone. My headache stopped like something just went *click*. Maybe because there wasn't anything left in my stomach to throw up and my head exploded without me noticing. I can be so optimistic when I want to...

brooding

So.
I failed my chem test for sure (wow, who'd have known??). My head is hurting like hell, I don't know if I'm going to school tomorrow, I can't really concentrate but I had an aspirine and a dafalgan tablet thingy so I guess I should be fine.

Herbstmesse is coming on!!! That means: FUN. Lots and lots of it. Okay, so Saturday we're all going out, it'll be cool, I hope LW won't be there because I really don't have the energy to face him after half a year. I promised him to keep in touch and stuff but obviously I didn't feel like, okay I forgot but it feels better to say I didn't want to stay in touch. It's partly true anyway. I made a huge mistake by breaking up with him - that was three years ago but whatever - and he was really hurt and then he started flirting with T and then ZL so I kinda got a bit jealous because actually I was still really in love with him (what the hell was I thinking?!) so yeah long story cut short: it was a reaaally depressing episode in my life. And then he turned up again and wanted to see me more often because he couldn't help feeling something for me and I was annoyed because I'd finally gotten over him. Which is why I don't want to see him. And because if I see him I might change my mind. But that's impossible. D is the one for now and I want to do it right for once. Mum says it's okay to cheat if he's like on the other side of the world and it's not like he'd ever find out... I really really feel like doing just that sometimes but in the end it's not the same.  I still miss him. Aaand I ruined my mood again by talking about this. Where was I? Right, FUN.
So I'm going to have some fun by taking another tablet and going to bed and hoping that I'll be fine by tomorrow morning.
Dear Summer Holidays, please come soon?

/P.

What Boredom Does To You

Things I'm supposed to be doing right now:
- Learning for my chemistry test
- Drinking a power fruit mix to keep me concentrated
- Focusing on school work in general

Things I'm doing right now:
- Drinking my nth glass of coke
- Eating plain tortillas
- Writing a post
- Working on one of my warped, melodramatic, useless fanfics
- Talking on the phone with my gran (basically she's talking, all I have to do is say "Mhm, yeah" once in a while)
- Looking into the fridge for the nth time today to find that, like all the times before, there isn't anything interesting in there that could get my attention
- Being bored

Go me.

/P.

Woolly Mood

This fashion seasons's favorite fabric is... wool. Tons and tons of soft, fluffy, warm wool. Thick wool sweaters, thin wool leg warmers, ginormous wool scarfs and poncho's... wool's the word.
I just couldn't help buying another two long woollies... the're just so fucking soft and pleasant to wear! yayayayayayayay go woollies! (shut up! - okay.)

Mum agreed to let me take horse riding lessons. Fucking awesome. But the secretary hag is totally creepy, she sounds as if she was cursing everyone to hell... talk about mid-life crisis. Brrr!

My Mum is awesome. <3 We're going to have a great autumn holiday next year if the apartment in Bombay isn't completely renovated yet... she's already planning to take us to a) NY and back over the Atlantic by ship b) Dubai just to feel like a bonze c) India to visit friends or d) Thailand to visit our loyal gay bf's. Personally, a) and b) sound great. One week on a ship (minus one day of shopping in NY) and then one week in Dubai doing absolutely fucking nothing in a hotel with a Jacuzzi and a drink. Woohoo, go Mum! I love it when she feels like spending money ;)

I feel woolly :)

/P.

Old Memories

I don't remember anything from my early childhood, save a few momentary flashbacks. I have no recollection of my time in kindergarten or primary school, and even my time in the OS is pretty vague by now. I guess a child's brain blocks out times that were hard or sad. But most of my early days were pretty fun it seems, at least from what Mom and my father tell me.

I found two video tapes with films of me and my brother when we were babies. Unbelievable how we looked like back then! I was a huge baby with cheeks like a hamster (not exaggerating here), and Al was so damn sweet with his locks and big eyes...
Just watching everybody on the tape is so sad. My grandmother is still alive, my father looks younger and happy with Mum, everyone seems so careless. I couldn't help but cry. But it wasn't crying out of sadness, I just felt so... near to all those people close to me that the feeling was overwhelming.

When or if I have kids of my own, I'll definitively make lots of films and pictures to keep for them when they're older. It's worth it.

/P.

Back To Black

I'm back. Yay. (why does this sound really unmotivated?)
So for starters, I'll answer the two main questions asked since the beginning of school:
1. I was in South France which is why I'm tanned (tanned as in at least 3 shades darker than usual)
2. No, I did NOT overuse my self tanning cream. My tan is entirely natural.
The only problem now is that my make up is useless since it's like 3 shades too light. Ugh. But yeah.

Played a part in Shakespeare's Rome and Juliet yesterday, was fun, brandished my "naked weapon" - yes you're supposed to (mis)understand that - got scowled at by E for not looking at the audience (I don't blame her, it's fun to be director coz you can boss everyone around ^^)

I got myself a new pair of shoes. They. Are. Awesome. They're freaking furry!!! yayayayayayay!

Two years ago, I would've laughed at a girl who goes shopping every weekend and loves to try on hundreds of shoes. Now I'm one of those girls. Okay I hate trying on shoes but once I've found a pair I feel that they were worth it. The hardest shoes to find are ballerinas. There are thousands of ballerinas, all look the same, but only one pair really fits you. Ballerinas are seriously the worst shoes ever to look for. But I love them <3 I need boots. I need at least two more pairs of shoes to last through winter. Hello shoe shops!

Shopping for clothes on the other hand is more of a way to spend time. It's unbelievable how many calories you can burn by just going on one shopping spree! And you get to buy lots of fun stuff. It's weird because I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes and yet I have absolutely nothing to wear at times. I hate it. It's like we girls are cursed or something - never able to find the matching jeans to this and this T-shirt or a matching blouse to this and that skirt, etc etc... Ugh. But yeah.

Had a looong conversation with Mom for the first time in a while, realized it's actually quite fun. She just as crazy as me, which is kind of cool. I like my Mom. She's totally loony, a perv, knows more than she should concerning my social life (and loves gossiping about it - the only side of her I'm not sure I like) and has a new hobby: making me change my mind about D. It's gonna be hard for her since he such a cutie! Aw he's so cute when he tries to say something and act cool while doing it coz he doesn't want to show he's actually the romantic type... awww! Okay, okay, no more swooning over my teddy bear (yeah pretty awkward pet name, he almost killed me when I called him that once during the summer hols, which made it even more fun haha). I miss him though. 9 more months to go if he decides not to get his ass over here in December. Ugh. But yeah.

I still need to make a call so I can take horse riding lessons. I hate calling people I don't know, it's creepy. Dunno why, though, it's actually pretty normal but I don't like hearing a voice which - in my head - has no matching face to it. Creepy.

/P.

Yo.

Haven't written in ages it seems.
There ain't nothin' ta write, no seriously, it's been really boring.
I'm going to Rome with class next week, it's gonna be nothing but awesome!!! Can't wait... I'll make lots and lots and lots of photos (which I won't post here, surprise surprise ;P)  and eat lots of gelati and penne and whatnot and it'll be fuuun :)
Whateverr.
E finally understands what it means to like trains. Yay. Everyone shout Hooray, blablabla, lalala, troll.
I'm tired, gotta finish my French essay, it's a pain in the ass.

xx /P

Rain

I like rain.
But I don't like storms.
I hate storms. They make me sick. They make me want to scream.
But I like rain.
I like walking in the rain until I'm soaking wet and then come home and take a nice warm shower and then just go to bed without any worries. The rain just washes all those negative feelings away. It's kinda like meditation.
If I can't go out, I listen to this: http://www.rainymood.com/ I don't know why, but although it's the sound of a storm, I like listening to it. It's soothing.
So yeah.
That's all, I guess.
Try listening to it, it's fun :)
xx /P.

Mixed Feelings

I hate him. He says he hasn't got much time to write to me, but of course he can go play basketball with his homies any time. It takes two minutes to write a line or so, just to tell me he's alive and he cares. Obviously he's either the guy who doesn't realize he's hurting someone or he really just doesn't care. Okay. He told me a dozen times that he's not gonna make a good boyfriend. Still he could at least try! I'm ranting, I know, but it makes me really angry. It's just not fair. But still I really really miss him, which makes me even angrier because he doesn't deserve it. I hatelovenohatenolovenomissokaylove him.

heartbeat

he just called. he was the last person i expected to call, and here he was, calling. turns out he had dialed the wrong number, but still, the moment i heard his voice, my heart started galloping like i don't know what. i'm still all shaky. omg i never expected his voice to do that to me. when i see him again, i'll get a heart attack for sure, since i can't even endure his voice without almost fainting out of joy/love/whatever this weird feeling is.

shock

okay, I confess. I've been secretly checking for new updates on that blog I told you about. I don't even know how I found it, it just popped up as a suggested "page that might interest me too". And... taddadadadaaaa.... I found out that R (I know I shouldn't say this but still omg) is friggin NOT hetero like everybody thinks he is! agh!!!! I feel cheated! coz I know him like since 4 yrs, and I never realized, which is weird because usually I recognize gay people by instinct, but no, omg I am so BLIND! arghhhh...... I can't get over myself to ask him if it's true :(
Oh btw it's not E's R. jesus, never.

I wonder who the other dude is though oO

Oh and E? I think you have a new (and nosy) follower. She (I guess it's a she, I mean no guy would ever write about gossip, right?) knows about EYP and stuff, I read it on her page.

my song

Lecę, bo chcę
Lecę, bo życie jest złe
Czy są pieniądze czy nie
Lecę, bo wolność to zew
Lecę, bo wciąż kocham ciebie
Kocham cię

no translation this time <3
This is my personal song, given to me by him... he thought it suited me best

abstract me

YEP. Another change of design. haha. I'm having the need of changing everything in my life. So there. I like my blog muuuch better now. It's lively. :)
I just had 3 espressos and... actually I don't know what it was, but it was strong. My way of dealing with things.

Sweet Sixteen... the time of change.
No I'm not in my right mind right now.

xx /P.

My Baby Brother

Since I'm sick and can't go to school I've been browsing for new blogs and I just found this terribly sad, terribly beautiful blog. A mother writes letters to her baby son Noah who died 48 hours after his birth. They are seriously so heartbreaking. They remind me of my own baby brother who was still-born, Oliver. I remember that I didn't want him to be named Oliver, I preferred Alexander II, which was, in my opinion at that time, just perfect. After his funeral Mom made us write a letter or draw a picture for him so we could put it on his grave. I drew a girl in a garden with a dog and a house, and in each window there was a member of the family, except for Oliver, who was in the sun. I remember Alex (who was 5) ask Mom if it wasn't too lonely in the sun, because we were all here, on earth. She cried so much that day.
Mom laminated the pictures and and propped them up against Oliver's gravestone, but after a few days they got spoiled in the rain despite the plastic.
I still think of him sometimes, you know, about how he might look like, if I'd quarrel with him often and stuff. Because I promised myself I'd be the perfect sister for him while Mom was still pregnant with him. I used to be terrible for Alex and used to pinch him and stuff because I was awfully jealous (he used to get all the attention as the new baby, obviously). It's hard to adjust to things like that when you've been a single child for 3 years. But as an 8-year-old I could handle it, and I already planned my walks with him to the park, decided what toys of mine he was allowed to touch and which ones were sacred, everything. But I guess I never really understood that he was gone, you know, gone gone, until when I was 14. It just hit me. Maybe it was because I couldn't really miss him since I'd never known him, he was just something that was supposed to come into my life but never did, and that was that. Anyway, that was the first time I went to the graveyard on my own accord and actually "talked" to him. I watered the flowers, I threw away the wilted leaves, all the usual stuff, but it felt so much different when I did it for Oliver, not for the sake of aesthetics.
So yeah. That's the story of my baby brother.

xx /P

The first and last time I saw Oliver was in a box in hospital. He had lots of really dark hair and was wearing a baby blue romper. His skin was all blue and violet, it looked kinda weird, but somehow it wasn't repulsive or anything, it just looked... different.
I wonder what his eyes were like, since he never opened them.

Bothersome

Okay. I get it. I really do. So please, you forces up there, please stop making me see things! I've seriously had enough. Every single time I see a dude with short blonde hair and earphones I immediately think it's him. It's getting bothersome. Every time I get half a heart attack. I might die one of these days, who knows? And all because of some random guy who I thought was someone else. D, MOVE YOUR ASS AND COME HERE RIGHT NOW! .........please?

Issues

I've been thinking.

First, it seems all the byotches from my old class look like their mothers by now, so they have like the faces of 45-year-olds. Is that really what make-up does to you, or is it the alcohol and nicotine?

Second, it seems that I have absolutely no life. Is that what IB does to you, or is it just my chronic sentimental state because of a certain someone far, faaar away beyond my reach?

Third, it seems that I'm not the only one with problems with my self-esteem/state of mind/general psychological (and physical) condition. Is it a crisis every teen goes through, or is it because we just all have a really fucked up life just because?

And last, it seems that I have a very, veeery distrustful attitude towards people close to me. Is it because I've been disappointed so many times in life that I can't believe in what they tell me - like those three crucial words "I Love You" - or is it because I'm afraid of being betrayed because deep inside I know I'm the one that is capable of doing the betraying part?

I wish I knew. I really do.

Argh.

My cousin (11 years old) skipped 2 years of school and is applying for gymnasium next year. I feel... fucking degraded. Omg. And I thought I was clever when I was supposed to skip a year. Argh.
Oh yeah and some asshole has started a blog à la gossip girl; all the tatter from around here. Argh.
And my brain is totally blank... I can't concentrate on school work. Argh.
/P.

Remember

If you could have a memory of anything, what would you want to remember?


Our lives are shaped by our experiences. Our experiences are preserved in our memories.
But what if we had a chance to remember things that we never actually experienced?
If you could look through a window that softened the edge between reality and fiction, what would you want to see?
What would you want to remember?


Personally? 
I'd remember myself sitting on a lawn with my family, just talking and laughing. My Grandma picking flowers with my little nieces and my nephew, my Grandpa discussing with Dad, Mum and I watching them as life goes by...

Nobody's Perfect

It's true. Nobody, I repeat: NOBODY is perfect. Everybody has flaws, vices, things they are ashamed of.
We only see others as perfect because we only see what we want to see. We only want to see what we don't have, so we can want it and want it and want it and perhaps never get it. But we forget to look at ourselves. Not in the mirror. But in the eyes of others. People often see someone completely different that you think you are. Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. But it gives you a clear picture of how things are.
O told me the other day she'd met one of her ex-classmates. The girl told her she'd always looked up to O, because she seemed to have such a presence that boys kept avoiding her out of awe an dgirls didn't dare to come up to her in fear of being "too simple for her to be friends". O on the other hand had had serious doubts in herself at the time because she thought people didn't like her, that she was ugly and not interesting enough. Turns out she was so focused on being interesting that with time people thought her arrogant and turned away from her completely. So because she tried to change, she lost what she wanted to have.
Don't try to change yourself by force. I don't mean covering pimples with make up or dressing up differently. I mean you shouldn't try to be someone else. Don't try to impersonate anyone, don't try pretending you're somebody else; it won't get you far, and in the end, when the truth comes out, you'll just be in for a nasty bit of surprise and regret.
Once again: Nobody is perfect. The only person in the world who can fulfill the demands of being perfect is the guy/gal who's meant for you, and you only. They are perfect. Not in their being, looks, or wealth. They are perfect for you. And that's the only type of perfect anybody can be.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, this is going to be more random than ever, but........ oh Happy Day!!! Time to hop out of the sentimental socks, it's dancing-a-jig-without-knowing-how-to-but-not-caring-coz-you're-fucking-happy-time! The big news is.............................. D is fucking coming here in winter! Hell yeah!!! okay, it's only 80% sure, but still, it's fucking awesoooomeeee!!!!!! :D

bye ^^

xx /P.

just a short response to E

I know this would get a lot of attention. I mean me bellowing out to the world that I'm in for a o-n-s, but seriously, just how many people read this in the first place? Maximum 3. All the more work for me :/

Beginning Anew

For starters, I've ripped off every single drawing, painting, photo, poster and card off the walls in my room and hidden them in a drawer way up high where I can't reach them. I've stuffed half my books into cardboard boxes and stashed them in the darkest corners of my cellar. And I've thrown every single thing like souvenirs, origami paper, gnawed-on pencils, plastic toys from happy meals and various other things I never had the heart to get rid of into the waste bin. And no I wasn't in a fit of rage or anything. I'm far of becoming psycho at the moment.

My room looks a lot more barer without all the crap in it. But it also looks more spacey and I can finally breathe properly when I'm in it. I don't feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of all the memories hidden in all that stuff anymore. The plan is to reorganize my room completely, hang new stuff on the wall and get rid of everything I don't need. Go me. Let's hope this isn't gonna take me the whole rest of the year.
Besides the room my wardrobe needs a little pepping up, but that can wait until next year since Mum will throw a it if I make her buy more clothes now. I just have the feeling I have to move my ass and make a change in my life. It's pathetic; I go to school and play the cheery one, come home, do my homework, then sit down on my armchair and stare out of the window listening to music, not doing anything, just thinking of how miserable I am in reality. Ugh. When I think about I'm disgusted with myself. So I'm going to change it. No more crying my eyes out at night for no good reason.
I was thinking of going out more, getting myself a life outside, meeting a few interesting people and letting out all of my frustration over a dance floor, a few mojito's and a cute guy. Sounds good to me. And yes, that would be cheating on D, but seriously, it hurts too much knowing he's not here so I'd rather have a few one-night-stands and a few more hangovers than pining over him the whole damn time. ...I'm a jerk, aren't I? But I guess that's what life does to you when it stabs you in the back too many times.
Summary: No more crying, new room, new attitude, more shopping, more drinking, less regretting.
D said: "You should live life in such a way that it's fun to remember but awkward to tell." He's right.

xx  /P

too good, too painful

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
                                               ~Lifehouse, "Everything"


My friend tells me boys never write long smses or mails. She says it's just not in their nature to write more than one or two lines like "hi. yeah i'm fine, you? nah nothing's going on here, the usual". Is it just me or does that just sound really really distanced and disinterested? Yeah I'm feeling neglected.
I could start making excuses now like "he's just shy" or "he's just not good in expressing his thoughts/feelings", but I guess that would just be wishful thinking. The truth is, I'm the only one that falls head over heels for the wrong guy and can't let go. That's just me, and although I've tried so hard to change myself, I still stay the same in the end. Stupid heartfelt lovelorn little girl. Me.
Right. D is a great person, a real sweetheart and everything, but when it comes to communicating, he's useless. To think that I think of him every single fucking day, and he might just vaguely remember my face by now.
V told me about her long distance relationship once; she said that after one month of sitting at home missing her boyfriend she just got up from bed one day and didn't feel a thing anymore. She said it was the distance that made it impossible to hang on. I've been hanging on for almost a month now. Maybe this will stop one day, just like with V. I don't know if to look forward to that moment or to dread it. Either way, love never lasts forever.
And yet he's everything I can think of. I desperately hang on to any shred of memories I have of him. L brought the word t.m.i. into our friendship precisely because of that.
Haaaah change of subject change of subject!!! L is a reaaally cool guy to be friends with. Seriously. Funny, Italian (uh...is that a reason? oO), ready to talk with you in front of you house at 1:30 in the morning just because you don't feel like going home yet.... More people should be like him. L, thx :)
Okay I'm going, I'm going, no worries ^^
xx /px

Keeping up Appearances

School starts tomorrow... I cut my hair the other day, it's fucking short now, I can't tie it up in a ponytail anymore. But I like the cut, it makes me feel better. it's funny how changing your appearance can make you change on the inside too, although one says it's the other way round.

I wonder if I've changed since before the holidays. Sure, I'm still the crazy old me, but on the other side I feel more serious now. Maybe it's because I'm having mood swings ever since D left; one moment I'm euphoric, the next I'm down in a hole. Luckily D gave me a whole collection of his music so I have no fear of being depressed too long, "his" playlist makes me smile every time, though I never thought I'd like reggae that much ^^.

...Is it just me or am I like the only one here who's actually ready to wait for a guy for so long?! I mean okay I might like go out with guys once in a while while I'm here, but in the end I'll always go back to D without a second thought. Sheesh he's not even that special, and yet I'm seriously into him. M said he looks like the type of person who's a good kisser. She was hella right. ;)

A word on E about SK: Guys think differently, but you should seriously set this straight with them  coz c'mon it's not a cool feeling to have a friend who thinks it's obvious that you'd let him into his pants just because your friends. Omg did this statement just now make any sense at all? Whatever I hope you know what I mean. And this goes to all you gals out there: If a friend of yours thinks he has some right to get into your pants, something's really wrong with the way people percieve you.

Ooops too many random subjects...

xx /P.

Meow

I've been in sailing camp this last week, and... I finally found something that makes me tear away my thoughts from D for a moment. Plus a guy is totally hitting on me, one of the teachers. He's twenty, his name begins with an S (why do they all have an S?!) and he's cute. But D is cuter. And wayyy better ^-^

I promised M to write her a mail. I haven't. Not good. One always promises friends to write and call and blah blah blah but in the end all friendships end the same way: you forget to write, you feel bad but then you remember that the other person didn't ever write to you either. So anyway, I'm sending her a damn mail.

I really must go shopping. It's like this thing inside me is trying to break free and mow down every single shop in reach just for the fun of it. Yeh, really poetic, isn't it? ^^ Yeh I'm in a good mood. Yeh D is a sweetheart and writes smses that make me crazy because I can see him grinning while he writes them and make me want to tell him to jump onto the next plane to Switzerland so I can give him a bear hug just because he's himself. I guess this is what you call crazy in love ^^"

xx /P

Missing U

Well, I'm back. Kinda. Okay, half of me is back. The other half is with a truly wonderful person named D.

Yeah I know I said he was only a very close friend, but hey, things change, it's in their nature. At the beginning I was scared that I might be in some way cheating on S, but to be honest, I really don't give a shit. (This is the moment when the audience gives me a standing O) For fourteen days, I was in a state of total happiness. (And now come the awwwws and ooohs) What else could I ask for? For one thing, I could ask for him to stay. To hold me. To never let go. Blah blah blah all the romantic humbug, that makes me smile and think of him..... Jesus I am one heap of feelings. I wonder why my feelings always have a negative effect on me in the end. I mean, I was happy for two weeks, but now he's gone for a whole fucking year. Knowing me, I'll go through all the trouble and wait that fucking year, but him.... He's an honest guy, a good guy, so maybe my hopes are not in vain. Omigosh I feel like a twelve-year-old chatting about her first love. So embarrassing. Whatever.

I miss my class............ Why do all the fun people have to go?! No offense, E, and everybody else, I haven't forgotten about you ;) I wannna go shopping!!! (Here I burst out crying on the scene)

OK I have the urge to tell you about my wonderful most important teddybear. (ugh, sticky sweet, not good)
He's honest, not only with others, but with himself. He has a very mature view of the world, and it's fun to listen to him talk about the state of the world, especially because of the characteristic sarkazm he puts into his stories. He's sensitive, but won't admit it. He can make me smile even in the most terrible situation. He smells nice... I forgot to ask him what aftershave he uses, come to think of it. He has the most awesome pair of eyes I've ever seen.... brown around the pupils, then green, then dark blue around the edges. He likes silence, but listens to killswitch and slash. He's the person I want to have with me always.

Sorry... Again

I know I haven't been here for too long. But writing stuff here just sometimes makes things go bad, so I guess I needed the break.

It's always hard to keep a secret from your closest friend. It's even harder to explain it when they find out by themselves. I simply hate that disappointed look that screams "Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were best friends!". What can I do? A secret is only a secret as long as you keep it to yourself, no matter how much I trust my friends. Lately there have been a lot of secrets to keep. Slowly I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one having privacy problems out here.

Some people never change. I know many people of that kind. Some of them I count as friends and want them to stay the way they are, some of them I count as acquaintances and pray to God that they will please change to the better some day, or even better, some time soon. It's not their reputation that makes me judge them or any other prejudices. It's their behavior in the past that makes me cautious around them and lets me think twice before saying or doing anything. One person in particular should change. He (yes, he) has so many sides to him that I'm not always sure which is the true one. Mostly I think it's the negative side, as wonderful as it were if he really was the nice guy. The worst thing about him is not his character though; it's the lies. I always find out in the end, and every time I've known since the beginning, but I still stick to him, because he makes me feel okay for once. No matter how it hurts to know the truth, it's hard for me to let go.
I think what captures me is his warmth. It's fake, that warmth, like a heat lamp instead of the sun. But it feels fine. I feel fine when I'm around him, I'm not that empty anymore. Despite what others think of me, I'm not such a happy person. I'm actually not okay at all. I'  could say something really kitschy now like "he's like the sun and I'm the flower" but that wouldn't be right. It's not like that. The flower and the sun live symbiotically. But in my case, I'm the flower in a dark room, and hes just a light bulb somewhere high above me, barely reachable, barely shining, barely even there.

Being depressed can really make my thoughts sound poetic. I wonder if the famous poets of our time were depressive or at least sad when they wrote their masterpieces. Sadness is such a beautiful thing, to think about it. It makes you deepest thoughts, desires and regrets come to the surface in a single salty drop from your eye. Sadness itself is poetry.

xxx

Truth or Fail

The truth can be painful sometimes, even though you knew what it was. In my case, I'm not completely sure what I feel. I'm not angry at E, not even at S. S is what I would call unworthy of thinking about. So here I am, trying to forget everything. And I will.
Being aware that somebody you loved, even if it was just for a few brief moments, never was yours, is painful, I admit. I admit that for a few seconds, it hurt. But then I thought of how I was treated by that person, and I have to say: I wasn't his either. I tried to be, I hoped I was wrong to doubt him, but no. So I am at fault too. Of course. Stupid boy. Used someone else for his sexual desires when the one he approached rejected him. That person being me, I'm really not surprised he actually cheated on me. Now that I think of it, I really am blind.
I'm not angry, I promise. Just disappointed in myself. I think hating others for something that cannot be changed makes no sense.
Either I tell the truth and accept the consequences, or I lie and then am haunted by the truth until it comes to the surface. One cannot hide from the past, it's impossible. That's why I've decided to be truthful to everyone about everything from now on. No more lies.

xxx
     pxy

Stuff

Oh, what a day... I'm absolutely sure by now that I fucked up my Physics test completely. I need to do something about this because I gotta keep my grades up, otherwise goodbye IB diploma! Shit.

I've started writing fan fiction. I really enjoy doing this, because I can just let my fantasy roam free to the corners of my brain and back, spreading ideas and stories all over the place. I already published a project and... guess what? 26 "author alerts", 22 "favorite stories", and over 30 reviews, all really positive, in just five days! YAY! Wow I feel really motivated. Hah the only problem is that my little group of fans wants some smut put into my fics, which is a matter I'm not sure about. I mean I'm not really aiming for an internet-porno-writer-career. Nah. So I'll stick to my lovey-dovey sticky bittersweet stories. Maybe one day I'll change my mind. Mi-au.

Aaand I finished watching Smallville, 2nd season. AWESOME! Loved it, absolutely loved it. But stupid Chloe thinks she has the right to snoop around in Clark's business, just because he managed to get together with Lana... I mean it wasn't exactly a secret he was in love with her! Sorry, fan's rant. My bad.

Maths test tomorrow... What to do.... *bites nails anxiously*
Imma go eat noodles. Unlike E, I simply adore eating instant noodle soup. Something I started doing after I started reading Naruto. He likes Ramen too. I guess I'm easily influenced by books I read and films I watch. Weird, though.
My fan fics are mostly about Naruto. I guess I'm starting to get obsessed about gay love and stuff. I think that if my readers want to read something about gay love, then okay, I'll give them what they want. It's not like the topic is tabu anymore. And I enjoy writing love stories. For once they don't end with everybody dying. And I've had enough experience and friends to tell me about their oh so wonderful relationships and sexual experiences and son on, and so forth. It's enough to write at least 50 stories.
I wonder why people come to me when they need somebody to talk to about their problems. I mean it's not as if I can keep a secret (excellent example: S). Okay, I've never told a soul about anything anyone has told me confidentially, especially if it's about their problems. I don't like gossiping about other people's pain in their lives. So maybe one can confide in me after all. But still, why me, and not a best friend? Some people who call me or just take me aside and tell me their sorrow are people I see on a daily basis, talk to sometimes, but never anything more. Maybe that's why, because they aren't afraid of changing my opinion about them, because I don't know them well enough, because they don't know me. Maybe. I'd really like to know though.

E told me she had something important to tell me. I wonder if it's about what think it is. See ya!

xxx
     pxy

Public Opinion

Today, as so many times before, L proved to me that she actually is crazier than I thought. It's a weird feeling. I know I act weird and crazy almost 24/7, but it's not the same when you have a friend doing exactly the same. Not that I'm ashamed for her; I think it's cool. She doesn't mind what others think of her and doesn't give a shit if people talk behind her back (they don't, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter). I sometimes wish I could be like that. Although I've always regarded myself as the independent type, that attitude of mine has slowly crumbled to the ground over the past two years. During OS, I was rather the outsider and preferred to mind my own business, as the people in my class weren't really fun in the first place (there were bitch fights every single day and it just wouldn't stop so what the hell, I felt securer when I was away from them). In addition, I was a rather silent type of person (nobody believes me when I tell them now!), chubby, the typical girl who has absolutely no life and dedicates her time to reading and learning. That's how I came to gymnasium. Here I found friends who were maturer and less rude and not so look-at-me-look-at-me-I'm-so-awesomely-coolish. I opened up. And with my opening up, the first problems came along. Not only did people actually know me and recognize me, they also didn't ignore me. This meant that I'd have to look better to be "agreeable company". And that meant that I had to look out for other people's opinions, not to dance out of line, be a good girl and go with the flow. It's a tragic thing actually, public opinion. There goes my idealistic view of a free mind. Whoosh, it's gone. Weee, down the slide. Down, down, down.
Now I look in the streets what people wear, what colors they choose, what brand they wear... Everything is gaining importance in my eyes. I don't go to one shop to buy clothes any longer - I raid every single shop in town just to find a matching T-shirt to the shorts I'd bought earlier that day. It's kinda scary. Maybe that's what they call teenage shopping-mania. Yay, wonderful. Ugh.

I made a poem about my thoughts today, just something small that came into my mind during sports.

When I sit there between friends
While discussing this and that
Laughing at the newest trends
Whining about being fat
Then I sometimes wonder
Why I'm doing this
I feel I'm going under
In this world going amiss
What is fashion, what is good
What is my opinion?
If I could scream I think I would
If not the public's dominion


xxx
     pxy

ESC

Omg! Denmark got 12 points from the Netherlands, and the lead singer was like "fuck! I wanna fuck you!" to the camera XD gotta love him ^^
Hah stupid gay guy from France didn't even bother to speak English. Stupid French Frog :P
Meh... I wanted Denmark to win, or at least Britain, but no, Azerbaijan won. S'okay, but still, I'm kinda disappointed.

xxx
      pxy

o..m..g..

How to be absolutely sure a person is a ultimate douche bag:
- he tells you he loves you exactly once
- he ignores you for 2 weeks
- he flirts around with other girls and checks if you were looking
- he pretends to be absolutely awesome
- he has many haters and nearly no friends
- he breaks up with you on Facebook

Yep, I'm single again. Not that it was a proper relationship in the first place. I was thinking of telling him in the face that he's a jerk and that I hate him on Monday, but he was quicker. Damn.
Not even the gayest, douchiest, biggest moron I know has ever broken up with anybody via Facebook. Well, they say there's always a first time for everything.
Aahh.... Single again... feels good. Now I don't have to worry about D anymore; I'm all his. 4 more weeks until the holidays... I can't wait!
On the other side, G is going away for a year and K is going back to Alaska.... I'll miss both of them, they're great guys.

xxx
     pxy

Random As Always

I know I promised myself to stop, but I really must say this: S has finally overdone it. He's hit the point where I don't accept any excuses or apologies anymore, no matter how desperate. I am not a desperate person, S. I can live without a boyfriend, especially when he has no balls and is as annoying and arrogant and sadistic as you. I can live without you. I've started to hate you lately. Is that what you wanted? Well, that's what you get anyways. One day I'm going to pay him back. Haha I can't really hold a grudge against anyone, no matter who they are or how bad they've hurt/angered me, but I can always make an exception.

I watched the ESC the other day, and I really liked the guy who sang for Sweden, he's cute, no worries about that, but his voice… uh-uh.

Hah the old geezer at the beginning made me doubt if I was really watching the ESC after all!

Israel's and Slovenia's women had awesome and powerful voices though.

Belgium was gay.

Moldavia scared the shit out of me with their hats.

The guys from Cyprus were kinda awkward with their ball-swinging woman who was totally out of place.

Estonia's gals were weird, their costumes were too.... sweet. Sticky sweet, the kitschy sweet type. Bah.

Belarus' singer didn't have the right voice to hit the high notes properly except during refrains, so her performance was only medium. Pity. She should try singing slow ballads, they would suit her voice much better, unlike that weird song.

During Latvia's performance, I could only see Danish flags waving in the background... and that attempt to rap... wtf?!

Now, the Danish band was... awesome. Seriously. Despite their brutish punk looks they sounded really cool and calm, with a slight pinch of excitement in the beat. Cool. Although the lead singer's sprint to the separate stage was kinda unnecessary. ^^

The twins from Ireland, Jedward: weird, funny. But the song was too twitchy.  I liked the costumes though... although I'm still not completely sure if those were dice on their sleeves oO They're really cute in their hyperactive state, maybe their energy makes their hair stand up that way... xD

Can't wait for the final... Feel your heart beat ;)

Ah damn I totally came off the subject I actually wanted to talk about... Never mind, another time.

xxx

      pxy

Spring Emotions Mix

Darek wrote me a Mail. Two actually. He took quite long to lift his ass and write to me, but his Mail was quite satisfactory, so he's forgiven. The first one stated that yes, he likes me a lot, yes, a relationship would be cool but due to the distance between us he'd rather not, yes, he misses me and no, he wouldn't make a good boyfriend. So much to soul mate #1. Haha I'm feeling so high right now... It's a nice feeling to know somebody somewhere loves you for who you are, with all your flaws and faults. Darek is actually the only guy apart from my brother and Dad who's seen me sick, in my morning condition (no make-up, unkempt hair, the whole thing), or in a shirt without a bra or pants (okay technically that doesn't count because my bfs saw me like that too but since he isn't my bf it kinda counts anyway). Also he's the only guy I've ever allowed to sleep on my butt as a pillow. Omg I've only just realized how that must have looked. No wonder father was so cold when it came to us. Heh. It's funny, in a way. (hahaha "bad girl modus" in action. lolz - not really)
The second Mail contained a song called "Dotknąć cię" which means "Touch You" in Polish. I'd given him a long lecture about a girl's interpretation of different signs or choices of different things, e.g. songs. Yay. Cute. It's a Reggae song and I really like it because we used to dance to it often. Okay well dancing isn't the right word for that.

I want to touch you
I count every moment, every day
I want to touch you so bad
You are so far away, but I know we'll finally meet someday...


Yeah, I miss you too, D!


xxx
      pxy

I Want...

I want an Ashton Martin Vanquish. The idea just popped into my head today. Maybe it was the overdose of coffee. Or my fever.
Yesterday's grill party was fun, better than I had expected. That would mean me really having fun, not minding anything that would have bothered me in other situations. I didn't mind my new white shirt being smeared with soot, or my clothes being soaking wet because I didn't take them off in time when Theo started splashing us with water, or S ignoring me although we had made up the other day, or my beginning of a cold. I just had fun. And I'm happy. I hope I can go to school tomorrow, I've been sneezing my life out all day. :/ A thought it was funny and absolutely had to record one of my sneezing fits. I deleted it when he wasn't looking. :P

Physics will be hell. Oh dear, I still haven't finished my homework, I don't understand a thing. Whatever.

I've decided to write a book. I've been working on one for years, but school and laziness have distracted me so now I want to seriously get to work. It would be cool if the project actually worked. Also, there's another project sprouting in the back of my brain. Something like a short manga. I don't know about that one yet, though, as my drawing skills still need some improvement .^^

Luigi (Luiiigiiiii :D), a brilliant mind still due to be recognized as one, pointed out to me yesterday that C, a quite weird but genius mind from my class, might actually like me. Like, the like-like. Not friend-like. My reaction: "OMG! Ewww, for real?! *laughs her head off*" I seriously lost it. No, never ever! I mean really... Ew. No. Way. End of subject.

I've just noticed the absolute randomness of this entry. I don't care. I like being random.
Life just seems to be okay right now. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible. :)

xxx
      pxy