Public Opinion

Today, as so many times before, L proved to me that she actually is crazier than I thought. It's a weird feeling. I know I act weird and crazy almost 24/7, but it's not the same when you have a friend doing exactly the same. Not that I'm ashamed for her; I think it's cool. She doesn't mind what others think of her and doesn't give a shit if people talk behind her back (they don't, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter). I sometimes wish I could be like that. Although I've always regarded myself as the independent type, that attitude of mine has slowly crumbled to the ground over the past two years. During OS, I was rather the outsider and preferred to mind my own business, as the people in my class weren't really fun in the first place (there were bitch fights every single day and it just wouldn't stop so what the hell, I felt securer when I was away from them). In addition, I was a rather silent type of person (nobody believes me when I tell them now!), chubby, the typical girl who has absolutely no life and dedicates her time to reading and learning. That's how I came to gymnasium. Here I found friends who were maturer and less rude and not so look-at-me-look-at-me-I'm-so-awesomely-coolish. I opened up. And with my opening up, the first problems came along. Not only did people actually know me and recognize me, they also didn't ignore me. This meant that I'd have to look better to be "agreeable company". And that meant that I had to look out for other people's opinions, not to dance out of line, be a good girl and go with the flow. It's a tragic thing actually, public opinion. There goes my idealistic view of a free mind. Whoosh, it's gone. Weee, down the slide. Down, down, down.
Now I look in the streets what people wear, what colors they choose, what brand they wear... Everything is gaining importance in my eyes. I don't go to one shop to buy clothes any longer - I raid every single shop in town just to find a matching T-shirt to the shorts I'd bought earlier that day. It's kinda scary. Maybe that's what they call teenage shopping-mania. Yay, wonderful. Ugh.

I made a poem about my thoughts today, just something small that came into my mind during sports.

When I sit there between friends
While discussing this and that
Laughing at the newest trends
Whining about being fat
Then I sometimes wonder
Why I'm doing this
I feel I'm going under
In this world going amiss
What is fashion, what is good
What is my opinion?
If I could scream I think I would
If not the public's dominion


xxx
     pxy