Immortals: Review

So, since I've got nothing better to do, I want to review the film "Immortals" I watched with LR yesterday.

Synopsis (really really shortened, the film went for, like, 2 1/2 hours or something):
This totally-hero-type-guy Theseus lives in a village that is attacked by this totally-bad-type-guy King Hyperion. Luckily, Theseus was trained by Zeus himself in martial skills (he doesn't know it's Zeus coz he's clever and disguises himself as an old man), so he kills, like, 10 soldiers before getting captured and enslaved. His Mom gets killed by Hyperion. Later in a desert he meets the oracle of Delphi, Phaedra, and escapes with her and some random thief guy who becomes him best friend. Phaedra tells Theseus he must bury his mother, he does it and finds the Epirus Bow, which by chance turns out to be this awesome, all powerful bow. That bow, also by chance (note the sarcasm), is something Hyperion badly wants so he can win the war. When Theseus finds the bow, he gets attacked by this crazy guy with a torro-mask-thingy who's, like, 2.5 m tall, and gets scratched with poisoned claws. Phaedra nurses his wounds, they have sex, all the mushy stuff. The three friends then go fight Hyperion, the bow gets stolen, and Hyperion releases the Titans (really really bad guys who were locked up for a looong time and are pretty angry about that). The gods come down and fight the Titans, all get killed except Zeus, while Theseus and Hyperion fight man-to-man. Theseus kills Hyperion and then dies himself and his soul (a shining golden light) flies up to heaven.
In the epilogue, Theseus and Phaedra's son looks at the memorial sculpture of his Dad, touches it and has a vision of the great war of the gods up in the sky. Zeus, again as an old man, tells him that soon it will be his turn to walk in the footsteps of his father. The end. Oh yeah in between all these there was only fighting, fighting, fighting, blood, slow-mo's of smashing heads and bodies being cut up... The usual stuff.

Actors/Characters:
- Henry Cavill / Theseus: totally the honor-justice-type, nice body, not so nice death
- Freida Pinto / Phaedra: pretty, but obvious role,loses virginity and can't see the future anymore (how dumb is that?!)
- Luke Evans / Zeus: *heart* awesome Daddy of the Gods *heart*
- John Hurt / Zeus in disguise: *like* from wand maker to crazy old man
- Kellan Lutz / Poseidon: looks like a gay goldfish (his head decoration was just really awkward), the poor baby gets chopped into little pieces
- Mickey Rourke / Hyperion: fucking sadistic guy who castrates his followers, literally steam-cooks three innocent women (who pretend to be the oracle Phaedra to save her)

Rating:
5 stars for the action/effects, 4 stars for the people's looks, 3 stars for the story, 2 stars for the death of practically everyone important, 1 star for all the weird things that didn't really happen in the legend (like boys being able to have visions; it's only possible for women to have them... at least something women were good at in those days)

Tadaa, a totally irrelevant review. Yes I'm really bored to do this kinda thing.

/P.