New phone bitches

I have a new phone and i'ts a Samsung and it's weird as fuck to operate it but I'm really glad I finally got myself a new one :)
GC stayed over today, which was nice, we had breakfast in bed *-*
I don't know why I keep being insecure about our relationship...

i have three moods

- he doesn't deserve me
- i don't deserve him
- i don't care

kill me

basically i'm really stupid and say stupid unnecessary mean things when i'm upset and i miss him and i can't see him for yet another week and next week will probably be the same and i feel so helpless i hate this so much i can't be with him this sunday which is the 23. and then next week again and on the 6, i'm in zurich and not there either and i just hate this i hate this i hate it and it hurts and he barely writes and i feel so left out it's so stupid i know but god i hate it

dear tiger 2.0 (or something like that)

you're fucking insensitive, you know?
and don't tell me you haven't noticed that if i don't start a conversation, or write good morning or whatever, you don't write to me. and when we're having a conversation i have to keep on asking questions to keep it going because all you do is answer in short sentences, or not even that. like, seriously, just tell me if you don't want to talk to me. this has been going on for so long and it's pissing me off.
it would be nice to wake up to a good morning text for once. especially when i'm sick, it just feels really nice, you know? or if you're baking stuff, tell me, just like that. send me a picture. i like knowing stuff like that, especially when i don't have to ask.
ugh i don't know. i'm just so frustrated. i miss you. you always say you miss me too but do you really? isn't it just becoming a phrase you say? i don't feel like it has any meaning. i don't feel like you've missed me when you tell me. and it makes me sad. and i can't talk to you about it because you'll tell me i'm oversensitive or overreacting or something. what am i supposed to do?

i'm sick woo

I was so weak yesterday that I had to prop myself up on the table to stand through the dinner prayer (which is like 30seconds long so yeah I was really weak), I kinda regretted walking up for dinner anyway because goddamn, it's such a long walk from the boarding house! I'm walking up today too because I'm an idiot but we're having a buffet and I don't trust RC and SW to get right stuff for me so I figured yeah why not I'll walk up today, too. So yeah. I'm an idiot.

trust

This isn't about trust.
People don't have absolute control over their feelings. You can love someone one day, and the next day, you might just stop. It's not your fault. It's just the way things are. No matter how many promises you make.
I tell GC I love him as often as possible. Father used to tell me I shouldn't use the word "love" too often because it would lose meaning and go to waste. That's not true. The thing about love is that you can love so many people and things and it's still as intense as ever. You never love anything the same way, anyway. Love is something inexhaustible to me.
I tell GC I love him as often as possible because I don't know when it will be the last time I say it. I try to let him know: I love you this instant, right now, today, and I want to love you tomorrow, and the day after that, and more days to follow.

!

He'll start working and studying soon and I'm stuck here and I don't know why but I'm afraid that he'll move on and forget me or find someone new and more interesting than me and then what will I do what will I do what will I do

I just don't know anymore

This weekend was a bit of a mess. I got angry at GC yesterday morning (and yes, this time I really had a good reason) and didn't know how to stop being angry at him. Eventually we both fell asleep til 5pm, and made up. So then we walked the dogs and bought pizza and had kinda-sorta-makeup-sex and went to sleep again. This morning GC had an existential crisis and took it out on everything, hurt his hand in the process (I'm still surprised he didn't break it) and finally told me what was going on in his head. It's so hard to know what he's thinking, so I really appreciate the moments when he's ready to talk about his feelings and his worries and... about anything in general, really. So yeah to cool down we went to the expo in Disentis and then he came to my room and we had really awesome sex and he went home. So yeah, a bit of a mess. But I'm happy we got our stuff sorted out, at least partially :)

last night an earthquake took him away from me

I keep dreaming that he's dead. It's been the fourth night in a row and I just don't know what to think about it... It's always the same: We're in separate places, we call each other, he dies on the other end of the phone or the line goes dead and I know he's gone. And I can never say anything, I can only whisper, and he can't hear me properly. And then when he's dead I can speak again but it's too late... And then this feeling of absolute, complete desperation just blows me off my feet. I feel like I'm empty and I feel loss and sadness and loneliness and I'm just so full of these feelings that when I finally wake up, they just won't leave, and I sit in bed crying, still emotional but so relieved at the same time because it was just a dream. I've never dared to call him after waking up. I keep thinking that if I call, it'll come true. It scares me. It scares me so much.

at this point i think i deserve some flowers and an apology ok

We all oversleep. I myself oversleep on a regular basis.
So why did get so angry?
I'm petty, I know.
It's just that I feel like he doesn't care enough. I know he does, but I feel he doesn't. Does that make sense?

K called

We spoke for almost an hour. It felt like we'd never been apart... It was so easy to talk to her. She kept asking that I come over for Christmas. I don't know about that yet. I don't think I'm ready to face my father. I very much want to see K, though. But, as I said, she and him come together in one package, so it's both or nothing. Also, I haven't spent Christmas with my mother in over a decade. so it would be nice to stay home. Maybe I could just visit them for a day of two. Catch up. Especially with K. Gosh I miss her so much... She really is my dear sister. She even remembered our inside joke about Atlantis...

added family

I miss K.

She's been like a big sister to me, even a surrogate mother of sorts. But being with her automatically means being with my father. I had to sacrifice my relationship with her if I wanted to free myself from him. I wish I wasn't such a coward.

I really miss her...

i cannot begin to tell you how worried and angry i am

How do you convince a young, disoriented boy with a fundamentally twisted view of things that what he is doing is wrong?
How do you explain to him basic rules and facts, when he doesn't want to understand, but rather to stay ignorant because it's easier?
How do you tell a sixteen-year-old child that if he continues to do what he's doing, he will fall, and his fall will hurt, and it will be permanent?

My brother is, indeed, a child. He wishes it were different. In fact, he is convinced that he's all grown up already, but that just isn't the case. There is so much to learn and understand before he can call himself an adult. Things like wisdom, and responsibility.

He's intelligent, I'll grant you that. He knows things, he sees things, he understands things. But what good is intelligence when he doesn't make use of it? He stashes it away, he kills it off and lets it go to waste. I've heard what goes through his head sometimes. There is an old heart in that body, and it's good, serious heart. Why does he choose to stifle it?

He doesn't have a shred of responsibility. He swears and promises and never goes through with what he says. He doesn't work. He doesn't even try to keep up with schedules or any rules, as a mater of fact. But even though he screws up continuously he still keeps lying to himself and others by swearing and promising again, and again, and again. Make no mistake, my mother is also a fool for trusting him every time and then being continuously disappointed.

The problem is that he has very twisted priorities. While he's still a minor and has an obligatory amount of education to go through, he's still somewhat out of harm's way. But what will happen when he'll have to stand on his own two feet and fend for himself? How will he learn how to lead an adult life? And when? My mother can't just care for him until she dies of exhaustion.
This boy isn't even capable of cooking a meal other than ready-made food. If things were to go his way, he'd live on yoghurt and ravioli. He'd get sick, he'd drown in garbage because he can't even bring himself to throw things away properly, they just lie around until someone throws them away for him because it's unbearable to watch. He can't operate a washing machine, he doesn't know how to handle money wisely. He's already in debt for a few hundred with his friends. "Friends". He's sixteen and already a few hundred in debt. Just let that sink in. How is that even done?
He does nothing at school. And I mean literally nothing. He doesn't listen, he doesn't do his homework, he doesn't care when he's told off, he doesn't react to scolding. He just doesn't care. He doesn't give a single flying fuck. My mother is spending thousands of francs on private schools because public schools won't have him any more, but he just doesn't give a damn. What is it to him that his mother, our mother, is working her ass off to ensure that he gets a proper education? What is it to him that she is so exhausted that she's aged drastically in the past two years? It's killing her. He's killing her. And he just doesn't care.

How do you get a teenager to care? How do you get him to understand? How do you get him to understand that all actions have consequences, and that his actions are very, very harmful, both to him and his surroundings? How? How?

talk to me

Tell me things.
I know you don't know what to say. I know you're not talkative or anything.
But I feel like I'm annoying you with all my endless monologues, I'm always the only one who's talking, always the one saying things, stupid things mostly, I'm just trying to fill the silence. I like silence, don't get me wrong, but with you I keep getting scared that the silence will be a bad one. I don't want to feel like there's nothing more to say.
After over a year of knowing you, I know so little...! I want to know everything. I want you to tell me everything. Anything. Just please, for the love of God, talk to me.

sunshine (bring colour to my skies)

He's not here this weekend.

Mom's away with my brother in France, and I'm at home trying to focus on my final essay.

The apartment feels empty. It's too quiet. I keep turning on the lights in all the rooms, just so it feels less dark and alone. I get lonely so quickly, it's amazing. Amazingly horrifying. I'm too used to his warmth and his voice and... What am I to do in this state? How did I become like this?

I miss him.

can't stop singing this

slaughtered moments (i love you when you're not around)

I keep thinking of all the minutes and hours we've wasted by being angry at each other. We don't have time. Nobody has time. I could die tomorrow for all I know. Just like that. We don't have time.

But I only think of that when he's not around. When we're together, everything stops. There's no room for thinking. There's only room for us.

i re-read some old posts

My love for him was so different back then. Love changes. Every day, actually. Every day, I feel a different kind of affection towards him. Of course, the changes are very subtle, but over time you get to see the differences more clearly.
I don't know how to classify my feelings, though. Is that even possible? Can I categorize my feelings into different phases? No that I think of it, probably not. But I'm no expert.

tell me baby will you be there when I wake up?

I don't think you're stupid. Stop saying that. I'm the one who's daft.
I'm the one who takes things too seriously.
I'm sorry. Again.

but what are dreams if you never sleep?

We need to take a vacation, just the two of us. No chores, no obligations, no appointments to keep. Just the two of us. In the middle of nowhere, Away from it all.
Just the two of us.
Please.

so give me back the feeling only you can bring me

I hid the long post. It's for the better.
I used one of the soaps today and I smell like a citrus tree - so basically fabulous. :)

I'm a jealous, needy, spoiled and materialistic person. It's true. And I can't help it. But I also like giving things. I like spoiling people, making little surprises and whatnot. I like to know a lot about others because it's easier to make them happy. It's easier to know how to console them, or how to surprise them, or how to make them laugh.

I have a weak heart. I cry easily, laugh easily... I get hurt easily. You call it over-sensitive. I can't change my heart. If I could, I would. Do you think I like to be angry or sad over things, just like that? I'm not asking anybody to walk on tiptoes around me. Hell no. I just want you to know that things that don't have much meaning to you maybe mean a lot to me. Like when you keep forgetting things about me. I know you care, but in that specific moment I feel like you don't.

When I love someone, I give my everything. A friend once told me there's nothing more dangerous than giving your everything, because in the end you're left with nothing. But I feel like it's only sincere when I can say that yes, I am putting everything I have to give into a relationship, because what else can I do? Why should I withhold things? Why should I ration my feelings and experiences?  On the on the other hand, I risk losing everything. It's terrifying, but at the same time I can't help thinking that it's worth it.

I keep getting upset at GC. Then I think of the way he looks at me, the way his eyes soften and grow warm. The way he sounds when he talks about things he enjoys. And then I fall for him all over again, you know? He still makes me crazy.
The eternal question being, of course: do I still make him crazy?

so much to do

I still haven't done all my washing, I have to open a new account and I need to buy stuff for GC's parcel...

(There! there is fucking is again! I need to. I don't need to do anything. I want to. And that's my big fucking problem. I want to get him things and then I spoil him too much and so he's starting to take me for granted. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED FOR FUCK'S SAKE DO YOU HEAR ME)

Then I have to clean my room and do a loooooong session of dusting (I'm already crying), then I have to clean the bathroom, then I have to buy food for the rest of the week...

And I still need to work on my final essay. Fuck. Shit.

you know what?

Fuck it. I like my present.
I needed a new eyeliner, and I love that kind of soap. Plus, he likes it too, so I'll smell nice to the both of us. I don't know whether the nail polish looks nice yet. But who cares? I only use polish on my toes, and my toes always look fabulous, no matter what. So there. Fuck it. I like it.

and to finish off the subject

The worst part is I get upset but then I look at him and think "god damn I love this guy with all my heart" and I just can't be upset anymore...

sorry for complaining so much

I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I know I complain too much. I know. I know.

I would never tell him. I don't want to upset him just because I'm being oversensitive and stupid.

got my present

Useful? Yes. Unexpected? Yes. Romantic? No. Worth the two-month wait? No.

When I say cliché I mean the romantic kind of cliché, not the "i don't know you well enough to get you something special" cliché. I mean, yeah I need some of those things, they're useful, they're okay. But that's the thing. They're just okay. Nothing more. They won't remind me of him whenever I see them or whatever. I know, it's stupid of me. I said I didn't want anything, so I shouldn't be complaining. But you see, I just thought maybe he might think of something sweeter. I don't know. It's silly. Shit.

It's just that now I kind of feel stupid for breaking my head over what to get him. I feel like I'm the one who's trying too hard again.

I wish I didn't act so stupid. I wish I wasn't so spoiled. I wish I didn't feel upset over silly things like this.

Maybe it's because of my state in general. Everything gets to me. Everything. I keep crying. I hate it. I hate it so much.

i'm back

I'm back. And I'm exhausted. And I feel like crying for hours. And I still don't have a birthday present for GC. And I can't sleep. And I'm really really scared.

montreux

I'm in Montreux for a week, and GC is stuck in a bunker. It's rainy here and no phone connection there. So yeah, this weeks sucks.
And I don't even know if I can go to his place on Saturday, even though it's his birthday. I really really really want to go. I do. But I don't know about my condition. I've been feeling terrible for some time and it won't go away. I keep trying to suppress it, but we all know it's all bound to explode at some point. God damn it.
And what about his birthday present? He says he doesn't want one, but I want to give him something. I already have a present for our one year anniversary next month, but not for his birthday... I hate this. What can I give him? What could I possibly get him??

/P.

call my name

"I'm tearing up across your face
Move dust through the light
To find your name"

I feel like I'm a mess. Not emotionally (for once), but physically. I feel physically unstable, like my body is going to fall apart any moment. Kind of like my atoms are about to disperse. I know it sounds strange, but I don't know how to explain it. I never know how to explain how I feel, anyway. What's the point of having feelings if you can't even understand them?

I remembered a song today,  Marvinizer by Sarp Yilmaz. It's one of the first songs I ever heard at GC's place so it kind of has sentimental value. I don't know. I just like it. And I like the way it made me smile. So yeah.

/P.

creatively wasting my time

I'm struggling with a major chapter of my final essay, and it's driving me up the wall. I just can't seem to get it right. My brain is mush. I'm good at creative writing, but this? This is pure hell. I hate analysing and quoting and sourcing and ugh.

The washing machine in our boarding house broke down yesterday, so I have to take all my stuff home, plus my class is going to Montreux for a week so I have to pack double (oh no of course it's not inconvenient what are you talking about)...

On the bright side, I got back a good math grade for once and GC is coming with me to Basel, so yay! Also Mum is buying me loads of mango pulp, which is awesome.

blindfolds (turn a blind eye and make you feel real funky)

But let me change the subject. Kind of.

I feel so sexually gratified. Like, wow.

We have our ups and downs, but who doesn't? It's a part of it all. Of course I was a bit upset, but only for a minute. Not even. My ego takes a blow, your ego takes a blow, but in the end, what does it matter? It happens. So what?

Think of all the times it was fucking great. And think of all the times that will be even better. And then tell me about them :P Or show me, I don't know, whatever the fuck you wanna do, do it, I'm outta here this is getting embarrassing.

he hit me and it felt like a kiss

I deleted most (all) of my posts about the puppy, but I need to get more of this off my chest. I'll probably regret and delete this post in a few days, so here goes nothing.
I now realize that the relationship I had with him was pretty intense. I don't even know whether that's a good thing. No actually I know it isn't a good thing. It was violent. There was this burning passion, it's insane. There was some fucking insane violence between us. Like, one of us would always walk away bleeding at some point. Literally. It was really twisted. And I don't think either of us actually knew what was going on, I mean it went on for maybe 3 days and then it was over, but it was 3 days of madness. I don't even know how all of it happened. Like, how much can two virtual strangers do in 3 days? Obviously, a lot. And that was some fucked up stuff. Even though nothing serious ever happened. It was less sexual and more just... I don't know I mean we'd make out but nothing more than that. And yet holy fuck we'd bite and scratch and hit and pinch and tear and I felt so... powerful. It was a constant fight for dominance. And when I was in control it was like being on drugs. And when I wasn't in control it was... the same elated feeling. I still don't understand it.

is it an oven or a gramophone??

- I need to cut my nails
- I need to start watching attack on titan
- My homework isn't going to do itself
- I really miss GC
- Today's school hike almost killed me

underneath, there's a perfect sky

"Baby I'm leaving here,
You need to be with somebody else,
I can't stop bleeding here,
Can you suture my wounds and feelings?"

I used to think about suicide a lot. Like, a lot. And you know what? I felt guilty. Not for thinking about death. But for feeling so sad when nothing was actually wrong.
I didn't understand why I was so tired of everything. I couldn't put my depression into words. I wouldn't tell people because I didn't want to be a burden, and when I did, the answer was "you're just going through a phase, it'll be over before you know it" or "it can't be that bad" or "don't exaggerate, you're just fine".
It still isn't over, it really is that bad, and I am not fine, thank you very much.

I still think about suicide sometimes.

You know, the thing about my suicidal thoughts is that I never have enough reason to pull through with it. I just... I have so many things to finish before I can go. There are so many places I still want to see. It's like suicide is this... concept, but not a fixed appointment I have to keep. Basically, Neil Hilborn says what I can't put into words:

"I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I'm up I don't kill myself because holy shit! there's so much left to do! And when I'm down, I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over and the sadness is the old paint under the new. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring!"

 This post is not a call for help, let this be clear. It's just something that's been on my mind and I figured I'd feel better if I wrote it down. I was right. I feel better now.
I want to live. I want to explore the world and meet interesting people and form memories and relationships and I want to experience the world's beauty. I want to embrace it all.
I also want to die. I want my depression to stop and the constant sleepless nights to end and the tears to dry and the nightmares to disappear. I want to escape it all.

But right now, I have so many reasons to live. I have so many reasons to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and like what I see. I've become more body-positive. I've become more confident. I've fallen in love. And I don't want to leave this behind.

/P.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

There are many things wrong with me. There are many things wrong with everybody, to be honest.

So why do I feel so whole when I'm with you?

Why do you look at me like you don't see all the cracks and scars and bruises?

How do you make me so happy?

I don't know if I deserve all this.

I don't know if I deserve you.

do you mind being called tiger by the way

bite me. seriously, do it. and i don't mean kiss marks, darling.

don't beat yourself up about small failures. we have so much time to make up for them. together.

has it really already been almost a year? time flies, my dear, but you stay with me (where i wish or you to be in fallen eyelashes and stars)

i love you. i will say it again. and again. and again. and again.

sometimes i think it has always been you. even before we knew each other, it was you all along, wasn't it?

to tiger

i have a feeling that it will always be you
you you you
and no other
what have you done to me?

Three more days

I took Friday off so I can take the train to home on Thursday evening. I need to drop off a ton of things since I need to move out of my room by the end of this term. We're assigned new rooms every year. At least now I know what I definitely won't be needing next year. I have so much rubbish, it's unbelievable.

GC is coming with, and it's his last week of holidays before he has to join the military. Poor thing.

i had to sit in church for 2 hours straight

He's coming back and it feels like he's been away for ages, not one and a half weeks. What is wrong with me??

My moods have been ranging from furious (as you've probably definitely noticed) to depressed to euphoric to apathetic and it's been hard. Really hard. Right now I'm feeling okay. As in, I'm not a danger to myself or others. And stuff.

you bloody fool

I fucking hate this. I hate the way you ask me a question and I answer it but as soon as I do you go offline and don't even bother to acknowledge it. I hate how I get angry over trivial things like this. I hate how you don't even seem to miss me, I mean it's all nice and good that you're enjoying yourself, you deserve it after going through six years in this shit hole, but at least wish a tiny little bit I were with you. At least care that much. I hate how I always always always care too much and how even though you tell me that I'm the best thing that has happened to you I can't seem to get myself to believe you. And I hate that I don't make you crazy any more, and that the only times you say my name is when you're angry, and that when I say your name you never seem to hear me, and that I can't forget the way you told me you didn't want to talk about your first time and the first thing that came to my mind was that stupid rumour, and that you never apologised to me for shouting at me in the hallway, and that I could never tell you all this because I'm petrified that you'll hate me and leave me, and that I forgive you so bloody easily for everything, and that I apologise for things I cannot control, and that I love you far too much for my own good, and that I'm so scared of being abandoned because I mean how silly and childish is that, and that I don't even have control over my own feelings because of some stupid fucking genetic fault that makes my hormones go haywire every now and then, and that in the end all I want is you, you bloody fool.

open letter to gc basically

Before I say anything else: This is not supposed to guilt-trip you. This is an ongoing issue and I just want you to be aware of it. I'm very angry right now and everything wrong with our relationship is coming out without me really wanting to think about it. I am furious. Especially because I love you, you fucking idiot.

You need to realize what consequences your actions have. Remember that time when we were skyping during the Easter holidays? Of course you don't.

I was in a very bad state. There was nobody in town and I was stuck at home alone. I began to cry because I was having a relapse, and that combined with being alone for an entire week just wasn't the best mix.

I fought so hard to control it. I tried so badly to stop and breathe and and to be okay so you wouldn't get angry. Why would I need to pretend in front of the person who supposedly loves me? Why would I need to suppress my own personal problems and needs just so I don't provoke the person I love?

And all you have to say is that it's tiresome. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that my sickness was tiresome. Why don't you try switching places with me? It's not tiresome, it's hell. It's hell and I live with it every day. Sometimes it's out in the open, sometimes it's lurking in the shadows, but it's always there. Now tell me how tiresome it is to see me cry from time to time. Tell me how tiresome it is to be spared seeing me lie awake at night, wanting to disappear because I'm in so much pain that it seems unbearable.

You think it's tiresome? Well, thank you for sharing.

Fuck this.

black hole

There is a lot of anger inside of me. An entire ocean of pent up angst and frustration. Where does it come from? Why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel so helpless?

I wish I had answers.

coffee in my veins

"And after just a taste of your love dear, I realized I'd been starving my whole life." - Julie Martinez

I just remembered that I had a conversation with a friend recently and it was late and we were just jumping from subject to subject when she asked me: "If you could go anywhere in the world right now, would it be a where or a who?" She'd seen it on Tumblr a while back and unlike all the pseudo-deep posts you usually find, I thought this one actually hit a little too close to home for my liking. The answer is, of course, a who. It's scary how your priorities can become so absolute that at some point, you don't have any control over them any more. I would like to say that I don't need anybody. I would like to say that I am strong and independent enough to manage on my own. But the truth is, I'm not, and I am ashamed of myself and my neediness.

There's a feeling in my gut that's telling me that I'm about to relapse. Usually, I'm right. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being dependent, tired of being haunted by my father, tired of getting sick, tired of feeling like something is missing but not knowing what it is, tired of everything. I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone cover me with a blanket and hug me and caress my head and tell me they're there and that everything's going to be okay.

maybe it's the clouds

GC's away in Barcelona until next Friday so I'm in boarding school aaaall alone save for two regulars in the boys' dorm who don't count.

The weather was pretty shitty today so I went to Chur to do some shopping which kind of lifted my spirits because it's quite distracting, and I made muffins when I came back. While they were baking I realised that I'd never be able to eat them by myself so yeah, now I'm stuck with 16 muffins.

I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I should have gone to Basel but I have a chemistry test on Monday so I decided to stay at school so I could study in peace. Which I'm doing after dinner, and all day tomorrow.

So now, while GC is gettig drunk and high as a kite for an entire week, I'm stuck with school and being all alone and confused. I've been following a certain routine for almost an entire year and now the anchor of said routine and every day life is gone, so naturally I'm disoriented. I've already said this a few times; I need an anchor in my life because of the way I function. It's the only way to function that I know. And every time I pick a new anchor, it keeps being a person. Trouble is, people disappear. They leave. I know it's different with GC because he hasn't exactly left, since I'm still going to see him now and then. But it won't be the same as always either. I'll have to rearrange my daily routine and create a completely new one. Maybe I'll fall back to the one before GC. Maybe it'll be a completely new one. I don't know yet.

And what if he does, in fact, properly leave? He won't be seeing me so often anymore, and if he doesn't see me, he might just as well forget me at some point, or at least what he feels for me now. Or meet someone else. And yes, I know thinking like this is harmful not only for me but our relationship in general, but have you forgotten how freakishly low my self-esteem is? I practically have none. This is not about trust. I trust GC completely, body and soul. But there are things one isn't in control of, and trust won't change that. Just because I trust him doesn't mean I can't be afraid of him losing his feelings towards me at some point. And mind you, I have major issues with being left behind. There's this part of my brain that keeps being paranoid and overbearing because I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I can't stand it. I haven't seen him properly in three weeks. I am not okay.

Holidays soon

Just four more weeks to go.........

I want this year to end but at the same time, I don't. I feel like I haven't accomplished enough yet. I need more time, I need to do so many things and time is just slipping away...! On the other hand, I'm exhausted. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week, but I can't afford to waste time sleeping when there's so much still to be done, you know?

my phone broke

My phone fell for the millionth time, and this time, the display shattered. I can still use it, but it's terribly off-putting to tipe and watch through an awfully cracked screen. I'm thinking of getting it replaced, though, since I'm not going to buy a new phone anytime soon and this one works just fine at the moment.

I'm at GC's place now, waiting for him to come back from a music rehearsal (what kind of evil person schedules rehearsals on a Saturday evening???). Finally I can sleep again. I haven't exactly been having the best night's sleep lately, as I've mentioned before. So yeah, I'm glad I'm back for at least tonight and tomorrow.

It's the 23.

... Which means that GC and I have been together for 7 months now. You'd think it would feel more special. It doesn't. It feels normal. So normal that I've stopped giving a fuck about whether or not any of us remembered. It's weird.

I'm working on an art assignment right now, which is my way of creatively procrastinating (I have a maths test on Monday and guess who's super motivated to learn? NOT ME)... I swear it's a great assignment. Totally worth flunkig a grade.

no place like home

I feel so much more at home here than I do in Basel. It's so strange, I've adapted so quickly that it almost seems like I was never attached to my old home in the first place.

I forgot GC doesn't have to go to school anymore. I wanted to text him during the break to ask whether he'd come down to the cafeteria, but then I remembered. Silly me. I'll probably get used to this quickly, too. And then I'll wonder how it happened and when I had stopped thinking of morning kisses.

I do think of them, though. It sounds so petty, good lord. But it's the little things one misses the most. No more hiding little notes in his coat, no more "hurry up, we're late", no more "you'll miss the train". No more afternoon cuddles.

I went to his place yesterday, though, because I had the afternoon off. Time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

I feel so relaxed when I'm with him. I wish I could have stayed, just to sleep soundly for once. I don't sleep well anymore when I'm alone.

My two babies: after

My two babies: before

I'm allergic to pears now, too

Green tea is the worst shit ever. I'm not allowed to drink it with sugar so I don't know whether it would taste better with, but pure green tea tastes like a mixture of dirty tap water and obscure herbs. But I'm forcing myself to drink at least three cups a day for detox purposes. I need to get rid of all the nasty stuff I stuffed into my body during my stay in Liverpool.

I've also taken up eating pineapples and bananas, also for detox purposes, but mainly because I've found my new favourite fruit (aside from mangoes which will forever be my #1).

Speaking of pineapples, apparently they're also good for the skin because they're rich in collagen or something. So I bought a funky shower gel with pineapple extract. Luckily (or should I say sadly?) the smell doesn't linger, so I don't have to walk around smelling like a tropical fruit stand.

Tomorrow's finally Friday. I still need to clean up my room for the weekend (it's utter chaos because I had to unpack my suitcase and I still don't know where to put some things).

And then I'm off to home sweet home - or at least, the home 15 minutes away. You know, the one with the big warm bed and a boy to cuddle with and two dogs. The dogs were sheared recently and they look so much smaller than they did with lots of fur... The younger one resembles a chihuahua now for some reason...

Mayday

We'll have the entire house to ourselves this weekend. And we all know what that means, don't we?

He's become more physical with me this last week. What I'm trying to say is he keeps touching me, not sexually though, just caressing my hand or leaning on me and so on. He hasn't done it before, at least not this much. Mind you, I'm not complaining. I'm merely observing a change. Maybe it's because he'll be gone soon.

I'll miss him so much. No more meeting up during breaks, no more quick kisses and "how was class?" or "see you after lunch". At least we'll have the week-ends. But still. I'm selfish and spoilt and want him all to myself. :P

or maybe i'm over-ambitious

I've decided to take the Cambridge Proficiency Exam as soon as possible. I won't have to go to English lessons then and I think I wouldn't even have to take any tests except the major ones.

I've also decided to start working out again. Nothing big, just jogging for half an hour every second day and some crunches and stuff on the other days. I'm starting out slow, with only 15mins of running and more focus on the other workouts, but the goal is to run 30mins plus minor workouts every day. It'll take me a loooot of perseverance but yeah I'm confident. I've got a lot of time on my hands now, and subjects are surprisingly becoming easier instead of harder. Huh.

it's been a while

I was in Liverpool until last Saturday, so I haven't been around enough to bother to write something on here.

Liverpool was nice. I visited a lot of places and got my British English back (I switch back to American from time to time though).

Being away for a month also made me realise a few things.

- Usually when it comes to relationships, I never manage to keep them up longer than 3 months. Another thing is that I tend to care more for my partner than they do for me. I've been together with GC for almost 7 months now. And you know what? I feel like this time, we both care equally. And I'm happy.

- I am not afraid of getting hurt when GC has anger outbursts. I trust him not to hurt me physically, let alone intentionally. But I am afraid that one day he will go too far and either land in hospital or make somebody else land in hospital. He has anger issues. I understand that he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration, and I understand that it's hard to cope with additional stress and provocation. However, it might get him killed if he goes too far once too many. And that's what I'm afraid of.

- My body is mine and mine alone. I have to live in it. And I have to learn to love my home. I don't want to be influenced by others in terms of how I should look like. I want to learn to how love myself and love my body, and learn how not to constantly compare myself to others. I want to learn how to look into a mirror without finding flaws and instead to find good aspects and feel good about myself. Because I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Simple.

- Having a lot of sex doesn't mean that you're "easy" or a slut. I enjoy it and I'm comfortable with that. No "masterkey" and "bad lock" bullshit. Like, what the fuck? I can't enjoy having glorious sex with whomever I choose because "it's not right"? Fuck you. Fuck you right up your bigoted ass.

- I need lots of sleep. Recently I've been going to bed earlier and I have never felt better. I can concentrate so much better, and coffee is a thing of the past. Sleeping early has also taught me to organise my timetable in a way that I can get everything that needs to be done before 8 pm. That way, I still have some time for other stuff, but without the stress of having uncompleted tasks that need my attention.

- Absence makes the heart go fonder, and the body horny as fuck. That is all.

Fuck post titles

I'm a fucking disgrace.

Like, I have been drinkin up my entire supply of beer since 2pm because, well, fuck life. And then when I finished the beer and had sobered up a bit (yes I sober up very fast which is also fucking terrible if your main goal is to stay as fucking drunk as fucking possible) I started thinking again so I found this magnificent bottle of vodka in the kitchen so guess what I've been taking shots isn't that fucking wonderful. And it's really amazing how well I can type by now it's probably because I'm doing it really slowly so I get all the buttons right especially cause I'm on mobile so yeah go me at least one thing I can do.

As I said I'm a disgrace because

a) I have to drink to get my thoughts off things

b) what kind of normal non-disgraceful person can become so lonely so quickly I mean come on

c) I an romantically and sexually frustrated because I'm used to being cared for all the time but when I have the house for me alone for a week nobody's here and he isn't either so what's the fucking point

d) I'm lonely I get lonely so quickly like BAM alone = lonely in my case

So yeah rant over I need to go to bed or I'll do something stupid.

we can dance if we want make it feel alright

Dev song lyrics prove to be perfect post titles.

I'm sick today because I have some kind of mild food poisoning, so fuck the food they serve here if my stomach can't even hold it. I was so pissed this morning because I had an exam in the first lesson and I'd been studying really hard but oh no my stomach absolutely had to decide to start rebelling a 3 o'clock in the morning, leaving me awake until 6:30, which is when I finally gave up and called the prefect to call in sick. And tomorrow I have a presentation in German but that's easy peasy. Thank God.

Since GC will be very busy soon with his final exams, I feel like time is slipping away and I can't spend enough time with him to make up for the future lonely days and nights. I can't get enough of him.
What I need is, I want an entire day to ourselves, without anybody needing anything from either of us or any chores to do or anything like that at all. Just us. For a day. And lots of time to do stuff and we all know where this is going so I'll jut shut up now.

I wish we had some pictures together... But I only have separate pictures of him and most of them are just silly, except the one where he's leaning against the door frame looking outside, but you can't see his face so it doesn't count, even if it's my favourite picture of him. I need something I can frame. I'm quite old-fashioned when it comes to that, to be honest. I like old-school photo albums and all that. It creates such a nice nostalgic feeling.

/P.

love me like you say you do

The first question that popped into my mind the day I let go of father was - is GC worth it? Is he worth throwing away an entire relationship? I looked at him and saw his helpless anger and his failure to understand how a parent could treat their child like my father treated me and I saw how much I loved him and I thought, yes. Yes, he is worth all the pain and trouble. He is worth everything.

Today I asked myself the same question yet again. This time after more time spent together, and in the face of lonely months to come when I'll still be here and he'll be away, away, away, busy and distant. And yet again the answer I gave myself was, yes.

But I didn't know if he'd answer the same.

Am I worth the trouble to him? Am I still worth it? God knows I have so many faults and I act so damned childish and possessive towards him that I really wonder why he sticks around. I'm so used to hearing empty words that I don't know how to distinguish them from real ones. And I swear I have never wished for those words to be true more than now when I hear them from his lips and when I feel them against my neck. I have never longed to hear them as much as now when I know what they taste like when he breathes them in between kisses. But no matter how much I wish for them to be true, no matter how much I believe him when he tells me, something in my brain keeps telling me time and again that I am not worthy of his love and that one day, one day my realization will hit him too. And that will hurt more than anything has hurt me before.

/P.

stubborn as a mule tbh

There's this thing about GC that he lets people affect him so much that he feels sick. It happens to me too, but it hurts to watch the same thing happen to him. The worst thing is, he doesn't like to show it. He just kind of suffers in silence and refuses to acknowledge that I can see that he's bothered by something. And I can't do anything to help him because of it. I hate it so much. Not being able to make his pain go away.

/P.

things i'm terrified of

• the future
• the past
• insignificance
• oblivion
• being a disappointment
• being insecure

The list could go on and on.

The worst part is that the last thing on the list is at the same time something that makes me angry so much I want to destroy something.

/P. 

i'm worse than most fourteen-year-old horny boys and that means something

I've been writing more and more poetry recently. All I can write is poetry, actually. Nothing else comes out when I try.

I also feel like a rabbit in heat. In the good way. Except having sex at school is a big big no-no, so I have to waaaait and waaaaaaaaait and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

yesterday

I broke down at GC's place yesterday evening. It built up really slowly, and I think the ultimate trigger was him building a joint for twenty minutes solid which kind of got my frustration rolling to the brink. I just... imploded, basically. I was genuinely scared that I'd physically fall apart if I didn't curl up in a ball and tense up so nothing would disappear. I felt like if I didn't breathe, maybe I'd stay in one piece. And everything hurt. Not physical pain but more like there was pure sadness flowing through my veins instead of blood. I know this sounds unnecessarily poetic but how else should I explain it? And all the while there was a hand carressing my head, and now that I think of it, that hand of his was the only thing that kept me focused on staying in one piece. I don't know how it looked like to him. I don't know how it felt like for him. I don't know if I'm brave enough to ask. After I'd stopped crying I wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay. I wanted to say his name and look into his eyes and say that the worst was over and that he didn't have to make such a sad face. But I couldn't move. And for the next two hours I couldn't speak. I literally wasn't able to speak. This has never happened to me before. No matter how much I wanted to say something, I couldn't bring myself to do so. I just couldn't. But then as I regained energy bit by bit my voice came back too, eventually. Thank God.

He's asleep now, snoring a bit from time to time. He's just like me when it comes to weekend mornings - they don't exost for us, they're there to sleep through. Except today I'm being a creeper and watching him sleep while writing a post about my minor mental breakdown the evening before.

/P.

jailhouse rock

What a time to be alive. Beiber's in jail. I never thought I'd see the day he would in all seriousness be forced to bear the consequences of his perpetual fucking up. But here we are, and there he is. God bless America.
BUT OH WAIT! No he isn't in jail. He's out again. Because he's a famous rich white kid. And the American judicial system is fucked up. God bless America because nobody else does.

Phew, really needed to get that off my chest.

I'm at school today for once, because I need to study for a physics test and we all know I couldn't do that if I were staying at GC's place. So I'm only going there this evening. It's a bit quiet here, since we're only like 5 people or so. Though I guess that's good because I need the peace and quiet to study properly. I'm totally gonna rock that test. Or so I keep telling myself through the tears of frustration as I stare at this stupid fucking shitload of stuff to learn.

/P.

fuck yeah

Sooo today is our third month anniversary of being together (yay go us) and I totally forgot which is so embarrassing because usually I'm the one who remembers times and dates and whatnot except my class schedules which seem to erase themselves from my memory every night.
Anyway this is great. As in, I still love him. And that's not as obvious as you'd expect it to be. My last few boyfriends never made it past the three-month-deadline except D who doesn't count because I was basically desperately clinging onto a idolised memory of someone I hadn't seen for a year. But here I am - here we are - all lovey-dovey and shit. I love it. I love it so much and I'm so happy. I'm truly genuinely happy.

Speaking of happy, I had an awful feeling yesterday that the Sads were coming back, thank God it was a false alarm. I refuse to let them get to me. I fucking refuse to. It's so unbelievably tiresome, not only to me but the people around me (well, the ones who know about the Sads and in front of whom I don't pretend to be okay). It may be egoistic of me to vent the Sads in front of said people, but I just can't keep up the spiel all the time. At least they don't freak out because they know what's up. Anyway, the bad feels haven't kicked in so it's okay.

We're taking part in a sled race on Sunday, can't wait. It will be fucking awesome and we'l all probably break our necks at some point, but as the twelve-year-old peasants on the internet say: #yolo

/P.

haven't been posting much lately...

 "LIFE HACK: IF SOMEONE IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING TRY TO BE EXCITED FOR THEM OR AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE AT LEAST SLIGHTLY INTERESTED BECAUSE NOTHING FEELS WORSE THAN EXPRESSING SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY ONLY TO HAVE PEOPLE TELL YOU TO CALM DOWN OR IGNORE YOU COMPLETELY"

 Seriously. Don't you ever degrade another person's passion just because you think it isn't that much of a deal. It's a horrible feeling and awkward and makes people close up. So please don't do it.

/P.

i want to be engraved in your brain

There's something exciting about doing things in forbidden places. Your senses are sharper, you breath grows quick and heated and the adrenaline rushes through your veins like liquid electricity.

I miss the city. I miss being able to reach all shops in ten minutes max and have lunch in random places like takeaways and the Rhine shore. I miss being able to cook meals at any time I want. I miss the zoo. I miss the commodity of non-boarding school urban life, basically.

/P.

we assimilate to each other's craziness

I'm sick yet again, bad cough and a running nose. If it doesn't get better by tomorrow I'm staying at school over the weekend. No fun in staying at GC if all I can do is cough and possibly infect him. So yeah.

He's been crazier recently, the good kind of crazy. And he smiles even more often. And he keeps looking better and better because he hasn't shaved in a week and his stubble is unbelievably sexy oh my god don't even get me started. Basically he's becoming more and more adorable and awesome and amazing every day. Or maybe it's just me falling in love with him even more. I feel like everything's reversed - instead of my feelings cooling down they keep piling up and intensifying. Not that it's a bad thing, I'm just surprised. 

Another thing that surprises me is this unbelievable physical attraction. I want to feel him all the time. Not necessarily in the sexual way, mind you, I just want to feel him. Like, his presence, basically. I also want to do very bad / naughty things to him but that's a different matter entirely. 

Okay before this turns into a GC appreciation post, let me change the subject but not before I've mentioned that his delta muscles are also sexy as fuck.

I've gained fat. Ugh. Time to start exercising again.

I miss drinking orange juice. My throat hurts when I do because it' sore so I had to give it up last week and it's awful I keep having the urge to drink fucking orange juice what the fuck.

On a happier note I'm confident that I'll pass this year (FINALLY). Things are looking good. The Sads are gone again, which feels awesome, and my grades are pretty good, and I'm in love and life is just so great I can't even explain how great it is...! (even though I still complain a lot but it's just a habit so ignore it)

/P.

i fell asleep during bio lesson

I wish I could say something cliché like "new year, new me" - but we all know it would be utter bullshit.

I do want to focus on my grades more though, especially maths, physics and chemistry. But that's kinda a given, don't you think?

I've gone back to regularly writing poetry recently. I've even gone as far as showing it to GC... Even though I'm petrified he won't like it. If there's somebody I'm desperate for to like my poetry, it's him. Because my words are a part of me, and if they're bad, I'm not good enough either. A simple but dangerous mindset, I admit.

It's kind of annoying me that every paragraph in this post starts with an I...

Another thing I'm desperate to avoid is being annoying. I don't want to be overbearing. I don't want to appear snoopy or moody or unnerving in any way. I want to be kind and gentle and amusing and charming and sweet and pretty and sexy. I want to be the most perfect woman he's ever met. I want to impress him to the point where he won't be able to go on without me, ever. I want to be the centre of his universe, basically.

Notice that I said woman, not girl. Yet another recent change to my mentality. I am a woman, both physically and psychologically speaking. And it's strange. I wonder how I can even define for myself what the difference is between a girl and a woman. Because of course I still act childlike from time to time, some of my convictions are naive and perhaps even childishly irrational, and of course my behaviour ranges from composed adult to hyperactive baby. And yet I'm convinced that I'm a woman, not a girl. I only wish I could explain why.

/P.