love me like you say you do

The first question that popped into my mind the day I let go of father was - is GC worth it? Is he worth throwing away an entire relationship? I looked at him and saw his helpless anger and his failure to understand how a parent could treat their child like my father treated me and I saw how much I loved him and I thought, yes. Yes, he is worth all the pain and trouble. He is worth everything.

Today I asked myself the same question yet again. This time after more time spent together, and in the face of lonely months to come when I'll still be here and he'll be away, away, away, busy and distant. And yet again the answer I gave myself was, yes.

But I didn't know if he'd answer the same.

Am I worth the trouble to him? Am I still worth it? God knows I have so many faults and I act so damned childish and possessive towards him that I really wonder why he sticks around. I'm so used to hearing empty words that I don't know how to distinguish them from real ones. And I swear I have never wished for those words to be true more than now when I hear them from his lips and when I feel them against my neck. I have never longed to hear them as much as now when I know what they taste like when he breathes them in between kisses. But no matter how much I wish for them to be true, no matter how much I believe him when he tells me, something in my brain keeps telling me time and again that I am not worthy of his love and that one day, one day my realization will hit him too. And that will hurt more than anything has hurt me before.

/P.