maybe it's the clouds

GC's away in Barcelona until next Friday so I'm in boarding school aaaall alone save for two regulars in the boys' dorm who don't count.

The weather was pretty shitty today so I went to Chur to do some shopping which kind of lifted my spirits because it's quite distracting, and I made muffins when I came back. While they were baking I realised that I'd never be able to eat them by myself so yeah, now I'm stuck with 16 muffins.

I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I should have gone to Basel but I have a chemistry test on Monday so I decided to stay at school so I could study in peace. Which I'm doing after dinner, and all day tomorrow.

So now, while GC is gettig drunk and high as a kite for an entire week, I'm stuck with school and being all alone and confused. I've been following a certain routine for almost an entire year and now the anchor of said routine and every day life is gone, so naturally I'm disoriented. I've already said this a few times; I need an anchor in my life because of the way I function. It's the only way to function that I know. And every time I pick a new anchor, it keeps being a person. Trouble is, people disappear. They leave. I know it's different with GC because he hasn't exactly left, since I'm still going to see him now and then. But it won't be the same as always either. I'll have to rearrange my daily routine and create a completely new one. Maybe I'll fall back to the one before GC. Maybe it'll be a completely new one. I don't know yet.

And what if he does, in fact, properly leave? He won't be seeing me so often anymore, and if he doesn't see me, he might just as well forget me at some point, or at least what he feels for me now. Or meet someone else. And yes, I know thinking like this is harmful not only for me but our relationship in general, but have you forgotten how freakishly low my self-esteem is? I practically have none. This is not about trust. I trust GC completely, body and soul. But there are things one isn't in control of, and trust won't change that. Just because I trust him doesn't mean I can't be afraid of him losing his feelings towards me at some point. And mind you, I have major issues with being left behind. There's this part of my brain that keeps being paranoid and overbearing because I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I can't stand it. I haven't seen him properly in three weeks. I am not okay.