underneath, there's a perfect sky

"Baby I'm leaving here,
You need to be with somebody else,
I can't stop bleeding here,
Can you suture my wounds and feelings?"

I used to think about suicide a lot. Like, a lot. And you know what? I felt guilty. Not for thinking about death. But for feeling so sad when nothing was actually wrong.
I didn't understand why I was so tired of everything. I couldn't put my depression into words. I wouldn't tell people because I didn't want to be a burden, and when I did, the answer was "you're just going through a phase, it'll be over before you know it" or "it can't be that bad" or "don't exaggerate, you're just fine".
It still isn't over, it really is that bad, and I am not fine, thank you very much.

I still think about suicide sometimes.

You know, the thing about my suicidal thoughts is that I never have enough reason to pull through with it. I just... I have so many things to finish before I can go. There are so many places I still want to see. It's like suicide is this... concept, but not a fixed appointment I have to keep. Basically, Neil Hilborn says what I can't put into words:

"I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I'm up I don't kill myself because holy shit! there's so much left to do! And when I'm down, I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over and the sadness is the old paint under the new. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring!"

 This post is not a call for help, let this be clear. It's just something that's been on my mind and I figured I'd feel better if I wrote it down. I was right. I feel better now.
I want to live. I want to explore the world and meet interesting people and form memories and relationships and I want to experience the world's beauty. I want to embrace it all.
I also want to die. I want my depression to stop and the constant sleepless nights to end and the tears to dry and the nightmares to disappear. I want to escape it all.

But right now, I have so many reasons to live. I have so many reasons to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and like what I see. I've become more body-positive. I've become more confident. I've fallen in love. And I don't want to leave this behind.

/P.