cambridge, camriver, camhobo

GC went to JB yesterday who's also a boarder so he called me and I just kind of broke down in his arms and cried and I don't know why but it felt really good to let go. I felt much better later, I even slept for four hours. Now I'm in Chur waiting for my turn (oral exams ftw).... And then GC picks me up and we go for kanoe lessons. So that's something to look forward to :)

/P.

my hands are freezing cold again and i have a headache and my chest hurts and i want to curl up and cry this is bad this is very bad i don't want this i hate it when i'm this way why can't it just stop for fucks sake what have i done to deserve this shit i have had enough

kiss me kill me

I want to run away to his place and snuggle up in his bed and be kissed on my forehead tenderly and fall asleep. There's nothing I wish for more right now. I want to hear the soft creak of his bed and the rustling of the plush panda as I shove it over into one corner. I want to smell the familiar soapy smell of his pillow mixed with Axe shampoo. I want to be half asleep and hear him quietly getting up from his desk and undressing and crawling under the covers with me. I want to feel him wrap an arm around me and put his other arm under my head and I want to mumble goodnight to him and I want him to kiss the back of my neck and say sweet dreams. And then I want to fall asleep. Like I do every time. But I can't because fuck this weekend and fuck everything.
It's terrifying how badly you can miss something you're so used to having.

/P.

What's even more terrifying is that one day he might read this and then he'll think I'm an obsessive freak

rahhhh

I don't wanna learn maths

I don't wanna go kanoeing

I don't wanna do my oral exams

I don't wanna stay in the dorm

I wanna relax and have a loooooooooooong bath and stay at GC's and finish watching that bloody movie I've been watching for the past 2 days because I don't have enough time to watch the whole thing in one go and and and and

This weekend will be the worst

/P.

listening to old funk

I have a papercut :(

And he won't kiss it :(

He's too busy writing a short text about his teacher :(

:(

/P.

i just noticed

My last post broke my annual post record 0_0
This is actually really funny because there's close to no-one who cares. But I care and it makes me happy so fuck you :)

/P.

i wonder what he'd look like in a halfway unbuttoned white shirt

Two days sick and I already have half a ton of work to catch up... Damn.

AO isn't coming on Sunday after all, but ZL is so at leat there's that.

I have my oral FCE exam on Saturday which is the most unecessary shit ever but I have to take it since we're a pilot project (I kinda have a déjà-vu?). And next Saturday is the weitten exam. Yaay. Kill me now.

It snowed so much! Everything is brilliant white and pretty and... slippery as hell. Thank God I live in a dorm or I'd break my neck on my way to the station like everybody else :P

/P.

9.5 fun facts about GC

- he sends me snaps of people's butts to cheer me up
- he looks cool when he drives though I don't know why
- he hasn't washed his not-so green shoes in ages and keeps forgetting to
- he has untameable hair despite the kilos of hair gel
- he still hasn't seen this blog thank God
- he likes music nobody else likes except certain psychos like me
- he loves to drink capri sun
- he wanted to call me schmusi but stopped when he heard his dad call one of the dogs that
- he has huge hands
- he has a pair of magnificent buttcheeks

brownie in a mug

One of the cons of being in boarding school is that you can't just walk into the kitchen and open the fridge and take out whatever you want and have a binge party. Sure, we have a small fridge but the only things in there are two packs of vanilla cream powder and a bottle of old tomato sauce, both of which belong to one of the boarders. If I weren't sick and half dead I'd go buy something but I can't so I have the right to complain. I really really really REALLY have the strong urge to eat something sweet.

/P.

piep piep piep

GC wrote to tell me that the book he just finished reading has a happy ending. He didn't have to tell me, and yet he did. And that makes me insanely happy. He shares the little things, small perks in life. It's wonderful.

I have caught a cold, though. My nose is runny and I have a cough and a headache.

And yet nothing can stop me from smiling and feeling content. I'm loved. And I love him back, wonder upon wonders.

/P.

tea time

I went bowling for the first time in ages yesterday. Needless to say, I failed royally :P I had lots of fun though.
Today I'm nursing a mild cold and also GC who seems to be either really hungover or actually down with a food infection. I hope he gets better by this evening - he can't miss too many tests. He's sleeping now, maybe that'll help a bit.

He keeps apologizing for ruining our Sunday, and I keep telling him not to worry. As if he could help it. Big little darling.

/P.

blow me (away)

My room is in serious need of being tidied but I couldn't bother less.

And I'm hungry but dinner's only in two hours. Gaah.

Oh yeah AO and ZL are coming over next Sunday! I haven't seen ZL in around a whole year - ever since she moved to Zurich we haven't really been keeping much contact... But she'll be here, which is cool. I missed her a lot. And AO too, crazy girl.

/P.

bed hair in the morning

I miss falling asleep with him. Even though it's only been a week. I feel so much more at home and secure in his bed than in mine - it's frightening.

/P.

his stubble makes me happy

I noticed that I do the same thing as him - running my fingers over his body, I mean. It just feels like the right thing to do, I don't give it much thought. I just like touching him, feeling him beside me... making sure he's real, I guess.

/P.

"you look like a parrot"

He keeps running his fingers over my body when we're together. Not in an erotic way, he just kind of explores or mindlessly wanders over my skin with his hands. It's incredibly sensual but at the same time it's just plain relaxing and comforting. He can't keep his hands off me. And I don't mind at all.

/P.

ijustwantagoddamnpictureofhimok

How is it that some good-looking people just aren't photogenic? It's bloody annoying.

/P.

dick jokes

Totally rocked a mini maths-test today. I'm so proud of myself! Maybe I'm finally (!) getting the hang of it after all... :)

/P.

ok this is the last post today i promise

I get super motivated when I realise that I'm good at something or finally understand something. Like in maths: I get an equation right at the first try and I'm all like "oh yeah you go girl let's do this shit" and then I kind of tackle the whole page in no time and I feel great and refreshed and... it's just awesome, okay?
Or when I get back a good grade I kind of make a little victory dance inside my head because wow, I did something well! How cool is that? I can do stuff!
And then I immediately feel so motivated to accomplish things and try harder to become successful. It makes me happy to succeed. So that's what I wanna do.

And so I want to end today on a happy note. Not a fake-happy one. A real-happy one.

/P.

sorry for posting so much but i have a lot on my mind

I wish I could use this site as a cry for help. Not in the suicidal way, just a beacon to say that I'm not okay and that I need a wordless hug. Just hug me, don't mention anything. It's worth more that way.
The thing is, the people who can make me feel better don't read this.
Of course I could just tell them. But you see, I hate admitting that I'm weak and sad and bitter. Sure, I can talk about it here, but that's because I'm not talking to anyone in particular. It's more like talking to myself. I don't need to face people and look them in the eyes and say "hey you know what I feel like shit but I'm too cowardly to tell you and prefer to wallow in self-pity on my pointless blog instead". I don't need to admit that I need help and reassurance.

I don't want my mum to worry about me on top of all the crap my brother's been up to. I don't want my boyfriend to have to listen to my endless complaining and grow tired of me - I don't want him to see me in this state because he already couldn't put up with it when his ex was like that (and if that isn't the best fucking motivation to stay "happy" I don't know what is). I don't want my father to know anything about me because he'll somehow turn it against me or my mum and that definitely doesn't make things better, either.

It's not a trust thing. It's a being-scared-of-being-looked-down-upon-and-rejected thing. So don't take it personally if I don't talk to you about my issues in person. I'm sorry.

/P.

hei.

He knows I run a blog and also threatened to read it.
Though I wonder if he ever will. I kinda doubt it.
If he does, he's bound to find some fucked up shit here.
Sorry in advance... ^^

/P.

i like the way you look at me and smile

Wow, I really have a talent for making myself cry.
One minute I'm reading a sappy story, the next I'm in tears because my imagination goes wild and I imagine what a break-up would look like. So yeah, go me for being an optimistic, sane person. Yeah.

I need reassurance. A warm hug. A certain someone's bony shoulder to cry on.
Though... crying seems so wrong and out of place. I should be happy and smiling and fabulous.
So make me smile?

/P.

i'm gonna do ya

It's funny how one minute I'm full of insecurities and the next second I'm on top of the world, all confident and happy.

He's always surrounded by music. And warmth. And the smell of Hugo Boss aftershave (which is kinda sexy).

Still can't decide who's sexier - G or his alter-ego J (aka GC with glasses versus GC without glasses). Thank God I can have both either way :P

/P.

"kuschelbär"

I can't help but admire his body from time to time. And then think that wow, that's "mine", so to speak. I want to draw him someday.
This sounds awfully shallow and probably really creepy, but I don't know how to describe it in any other words than these...

/P.

monkey passion

GC told me his ex had depressions and that it was tiresome to be with her during those phases. I know that. I know it's hard to cope with a person being that way and not being able to do anything against it and having to deal with them on a daily basis anyway. I know that.
And yet it makes me worry. What if I have a relapse? I'm petrified. First of all because I - for obvious reasons - hate it. And secondly because I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to get tired of me. Being cyclothymic isn't easy. In fact, it's fucking hell. But being scared of losing people dear to me because I'm a damn nuisance during the depressive phase is even worse.
I've decided to call my psychotwat in case it happens. I've been getting the signs all last week, they stopped on Friday but that doesn't mean I don't have to be careful. I also need to tell my prefect; another thing I'm dreading. I mean, they know about my condition, but that doesn't mean it's easy to talk about.

On a happier note, GC's friends seem to like me. I like them, too. They're a cool bunch of people. They have the right kind of humor, fun to be around, intelligent... I just like them :)
We went drinking yesterday. GC also shows another side of him when he's with them. You know, a bit childish, crazy... Like me when I'm around LR and TF. He laughs a lot when he's with them. And I enjoy seeing him like that.
He needs to meet LR. I think she'll accept him once she gets to know him. She still a bit skeptical and doesn't seem to believe that it'll last long. Not that I blame her. My past relationships haven't exactly been fruitful. But maybe, just maybe, this is different. I certainly hope so. I feel at home whenever I'm with him. And that means a lot already.

/P.

symptoms a.k.a. how i know deep shit is ahead

A few days before it happens I get this feeling in my chest - like my heart is being squeezed. It doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable. Sometimes I also have trouble breathing over short periods.
And then there's the temperature changes; I switch between being hot and cold like I have PMS or something. I break into cold sweats or get a light fever. My hands become even colder than they usually are: you can actually see they're cold because my fingertips/nails get a violet colouring.
I have short but strong stomach- and headaches, too, though they're far less frequent than the other stuff.

My psychotwat explained to me that it's my hormones going crazy before the Big Bang, and that basically my body is preparing itself for a shutdown-like state. I like to think of it as a preparation for battle. 'Cause if I'm going down, I'm going down swingin'.

/P.

i never thought i'd see the day

It's funny how people are concerned about my reputation. My reputation. Like, whaat?
What's even funnier, I am surprised. It's not me. I'm not something to be ashamed of. How weird is that? I am actually surprised by he fact that I'm worthy enough to have a good reputation and people who see me as better than others. It's fucking hilarious. Where the fuck does this come from? Why am I surprised? Is my self-esteem really that low? Really? Well, fuck.

/P.

to truth or not to truth

So I sent GC a screenshot of one of my older posts about suicide. I don't know why I did that. I should have just sent him one of the happier, more innocent ones. Maybe I wanted to see his reaction to it. What happens when I experience a relapse into depression. Or maybe I needed the attention. Who knows? I don't know the real reason myself, so...

/P.

cough sniff cough

It feels like we've been together since always. So comfortable. Honestly it seems like ages. In a good way.

The only thing that bothers me is that people give me so much shit about him. Like, gossip and stuff.
I DON'T CARE.
I just want to be happy with him, is it so hard to understand? I don't care what he did or did not do. I care for him and I care for who he is now. The past is in the past, it doesn't concern me.

I feel like people just don't want to see me or him happy. And that's fucking stupid and sad.

/P.

do you really want to hurt me

In case you were wondering: yes, I have indeed deleted some of my recent posts. There are two reasons for this. For one thing, guilt - I don't want to leave any traces. For another, liberation - I want to erase the subject of the deleted posts from my life as much as possible. I've blocked him, erased all messages, photos etcetera... I just want him gone. For good.

/P.

i'll kill you so hard you'll die to death

The thing about me and relationships is that it's far too easy for me to fall in and out of love. It worries me. I know it has something to do with cyclothymia and all but still, it's not fair.

I need an anchor in my life. GC is that anchor right now. Without him I'd just kind of be drifting around, and -what's worse - probably bathing in promiscuity. But I have him now. An anchor. Something steady and secure in everyday life. I need that.

And I know it's bad to depend on someone like this, but I just can't help it. Whether it's bad or not.

/P.

short but intense

I have a kiss mark. It's nothing big, just a slight shade darker than the rest of my skin. Probably no-one will notice. And yet it feels funny to see it in the mirror. A kiss mark. The name already has a ring to it. Kiss mark. The words taste sweet. Try it. "Kiss mark." Tasty.

/P.

helovesmeisn'tthatwonderful

marvinizer

He said it. And I... I hesitated.

I've said those words so many times before that they've lost some of their worth. I don't think they hold the same meaning when I say them.

So I try to compensate with actions and other words like "it feels great to spend time with you" or "you're important to me". The thing is, what if he doesn't understand that my way of saying "I love you" is different than his? I'm scared that he'll think that I don't feel the same way.

On the other hand, he's never complained. When I smile and call him big idiot, I feel that he understands what I'm trying to say. He knows. And that makes me feel both relieved and happy.

/P.

goodnight my pride and joy

It's cheesy as fuck but hell, I love it. I just want to cuddle him and never let go. He's so different to what I expected.

I thought he'd be more cool and distanced because for some sick reason I have been taught by experience that some guys (cough S cough) don't seem to deem me worthy enough to be seen beside them in public. Well, note to self: I AM fucking worthy. And I am not something to be ashamed of. I'm moderately popular, I look pretty good when I want to, I am likeable. Bloody hell yeah I'm worthy. It just took me a while for it to actually sink in, is all. And that's sad. Not because I want to wallow in self-pity (again). But because I'm not the only one. I think it's fair to say that quite a few girls/women know what it means to be a 'dirty little secret' of some guy who thinks going out with us in public will harm his prestige/ image/ popularity/ whatever. If he puts you in the secret-zone, dump him. Now. It's not worth it.

Anyway, I'm happy. And it feels wonderful to be happy.
Maybe because I'm starting to feel like I can trust him. Trust is important. I need that kind of closeness.

/P.