Three more days

I took Friday off so I can take the train to home on Thursday evening. I need to drop off a ton of things since I need to move out of my room by the end of this term. We're assigned new rooms every year. At least now I know what I definitely won't be needing next year. I have so much rubbish, it's unbelievable.

GC is coming with, and it's his last week of holidays before he has to join the military. Poor thing.

i had to sit in church for 2 hours straight

He's coming back and it feels like he's been away for ages, not one and a half weeks. What is wrong with me??

My moods have been ranging from furious (as you've probably definitely noticed) to depressed to euphoric to apathetic and it's been hard. Really hard. Right now I'm feeling okay. As in, I'm not a danger to myself or others. And stuff.

you bloody fool

I fucking hate this. I hate the way you ask me a question and I answer it but as soon as I do you go offline and don't even bother to acknowledge it. I hate how I get angry over trivial things like this. I hate how you don't even seem to miss me, I mean it's all nice and good that you're enjoying yourself, you deserve it after going through six years in this shit hole, but at least wish a tiny little bit I were with you. At least care that much. I hate how I always always always care too much and how even though you tell me that I'm the best thing that has happened to you I can't seem to get myself to believe you. And I hate that I don't make you crazy any more, and that the only times you say my name is when you're angry, and that when I say your name you never seem to hear me, and that I can't forget the way you told me you didn't want to talk about your first time and the first thing that came to my mind was that stupid rumour, and that you never apologised to me for shouting at me in the hallway, and that I could never tell you all this because I'm petrified that you'll hate me and leave me, and that I forgive you so bloody easily for everything, and that I apologise for things I cannot control, and that I love you far too much for my own good, and that I'm so scared of being abandoned because I mean how silly and childish is that, and that I don't even have control over my own feelings because of some stupid fucking genetic fault that makes my hormones go haywire every now and then, and that in the end all I want is you, you bloody fool.

open letter to gc basically

Before I say anything else: This is not supposed to guilt-trip you. This is an ongoing issue and I just want you to be aware of it. I'm very angry right now and everything wrong with our relationship is coming out without me really wanting to think about it. I am furious. Especially because I love you, you fucking idiot.

You need to realize what consequences your actions have. Remember that time when we were skyping during the Easter holidays? Of course you don't.

I was in a very bad state. There was nobody in town and I was stuck at home alone. I began to cry because I was having a relapse, and that combined with being alone for an entire week just wasn't the best mix.

I fought so hard to control it. I tried so badly to stop and breathe and and to be okay so you wouldn't get angry. Why would I need to pretend in front of the person who supposedly loves me? Why would I need to suppress my own personal problems and needs just so I don't provoke the person I love?

And all you have to say is that it's tiresome. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that my sickness was tiresome. Why don't you try switching places with me? It's not tiresome, it's hell. It's hell and I live with it every day. Sometimes it's out in the open, sometimes it's lurking in the shadows, but it's always there. Now tell me how tiresome it is to see me cry from time to time. Tell me how tiresome it is to be spared seeing me lie awake at night, wanting to disappear because I'm in so much pain that it seems unbearable.

You think it's tiresome? Well, thank you for sharing.

Fuck this.

black hole

There is a lot of anger inside of me. An entire ocean of pent up angst and frustration. Where does it come from? Why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel so helpless?

I wish I had answers.

coffee in my veins

"And after just a taste of your love dear, I realized I'd been starving my whole life." - Julie Martinez

I just remembered that I had a conversation with a friend recently and it was late and we were just jumping from subject to subject when she asked me: "If you could go anywhere in the world right now, would it be a where or a who?" She'd seen it on Tumblr a while back and unlike all the pseudo-deep posts you usually find, I thought this one actually hit a little too close to home for my liking. The answer is, of course, a who. It's scary how your priorities can become so absolute that at some point, you don't have any control over them any more. I would like to say that I don't need anybody. I would like to say that I am strong and independent enough to manage on my own. But the truth is, I'm not, and I am ashamed of myself and my neediness.

There's a feeling in my gut that's telling me that I'm about to relapse. Usually, I'm right. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being dependent, tired of being haunted by my father, tired of getting sick, tired of feeling like something is missing but not knowing what it is, tired of everything. I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone cover me with a blanket and hug me and caress my head and tell me they're there and that everything's going to be okay.

maybe it's the clouds

GC's away in Barcelona until next Friday so I'm in boarding school aaaall alone save for two regulars in the boys' dorm who don't count.

The weather was pretty shitty today so I went to Chur to do some shopping which kind of lifted my spirits because it's quite distracting, and I made muffins when I came back. While they were baking I realised that I'd never be able to eat them by myself so yeah, now I'm stuck with 16 muffins.

I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I should have gone to Basel but I have a chemistry test on Monday so I decided to stay at school so I could study in peace. Which I'm doing after dinner, and all day tomorrow.

So now, while GC is gettig drunk and high as a kite for an entire week, I'm stuck with school and being all alone and confused. I've been following a certain routine for almost an entire year and now the anchor of said routine and every day life is gone, so naturally I'm disoriented. I've already said this a few times; I need an anchor in my life because of the way I function. It's the only way to function that I know. And every time I pick a new anchor, it keeps being a person. Trouble is, people disappear. They leave. I know it's different with GC because he hasn't exactly left, since I'm still going to see him now and then. But it won't be the same as always either. I'll have to rearrange my daily routine and create a completely new one. Maybe I'll fall back to the one before GC. Maybe it'll be a completely new one. I don't know yet.

And what if he does, in fact, properly leave? He won't be seeing me so often anymore, and if he doesn't see me, he might just as well forget me at some point, or at least what he feels for me now. Or meet someone else. And yes, I know thinking like this is harmful not only for me but our relationship in general, but have you forgotten how freakishly low my self-esteem is? I practically have none. This is not about trust. I trust GC completely, body and soul. But there are things one isn't in control of, and trust won't change that. Just because I trust him doesn't mean I can't be afraid of him losing his feelings towards me at some point. And mind you, I have major issues with being left behind. There's this part of my brain that keeps being paranoid and overbearing because I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I can't stand it. I haven't seen him properly in three weeks. I am not okay.

Holidays soon

Just four more weeks to go.........

I want this year to end but at the same time, I don't. I feel like I haven't accomplished enough yet. I need more time, I need to do so many things and time is just slipping away...! On the other hand, I'm exhausted. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week, but I can't afford to waste time sleeping when there's so much still to be done, you know?