full blown soap opera (what the actual fuck)

We eloped. Well, kind of. GC picked me up, father told me I was a whore and cutting all ties with him by going with GC and that's it.
Now I'm at GC's place... And you know what? I only feel bad because I don't feel bad. I can breathe freely again. I feel at home again. I even realised that one is able to miss a person as well as their smell. It's like this primeval instinct deep inside that connects smells with people and situations and in this case, security and bliss.
There is but one storm cloud at the horizon: father. He has now jumped from angry patriarch to concerned disappointed dad whose daughter rudely left without introducing her boyfriend. Oh excuse me, who sent him out of the fucking house? Who told me that what I was about to do was whoring and that I was never to set a foot in his house again? Who absolutely reject us both?
Now, it doesn't help that the three of us know the true story. If he starts telling people his version, they'll be inclined to believe him rather than two young people who seem to be in a dispute with him. So there we go. Hypocrisy at its finest. First he preaches about honesty and morals and whatnot and then he goes around contradicting every single fucking rule he set. I just love my family.

/P.

get me lingerie

I have the most awesome Christmas present idea for GC. And I'm really excited to see what he thinks of it. It's not much, just a bunch of small gifts but I think they're pretty cool, so... yeah. I'm confident he'll like it. :)

/P.

lemon soap

Ever since the Sads kicked in I keep getting the urge to cry because of every tiny thing that goes wrong. This morning I had a fit of anger and threw my clothes all over my room and then cleaned it up again, ashamed at my behaviour. Then I proceeded to glide into a state of apathetic stupor, then I went to school, almost cried at the sight of GC... not because of him but more because I needed a hug real bad and there was no time and I felt so helpless and stupid because I couldn't tell him what I wanted. Now I'm waiting for my break to be over so I can go play volleyball and ruin my wrist for the nth time because I can't seem to get anything right these days.
All I want is to snuggle up in a warm bed and have GC hug me tight and then I want to wake up after a good long sleep feeling refreshed and strong.

/P.

mandarines and chocolate

I feel fat.
I know I'm not. In fact, considering that I do close to no exercise at all, my figure is pretty great.
And yet I feel fat. Not obese, but fat. Fat as in no muscle. Fat as in my stomach and arms feel soft even when I tense them. Fat as in I ate too much fondue this evening and I feel like there's a lump of cheese at the bottom of my stomach that's pulling me towards the ground and making me feel like puking.
That kind of fat.

I'm finally staying over at GC's again on Thursday. I can't wait. And then I'm leaving for two weeks.... ughhh.

/P.

how many muffin? - yes.

Weirdly enough I'm not looking forward to the holidays at all. I want to stay here and have fun. I know I sound like a spoiled brat but that's just how it is.
I don't enjoy staying with my father because I constantly need to be on guard. Did I say something that could be used against me? Did I remember to smile when I said good morning? Is it okay to wear my hair like this? Can my voice be mistaken to have an aggressive undertone? Would it be rude and ungrateful to say that I want to spend my holidays with other people?
I think you get my point.

I'm planning to convince my father that I absolutely must leave four days before school starts so I can spend some time with GC and perhaps even LR if she's available. It would be awesome. Though what would be even more awesome is GC's and my elopement plan which involves him carrying me off into the dark night on Sylvester. Come on, picture it. The faces they'd make... Daydreaming is okay. It really is. As long as I know I need to wake up at some point (and I do for now).

/P.

NSFW so basically don't read this unless you're seriously interested in my sex life

I don't usually talk about sex directly, but it's one of the awesome things on earth if you do it right (or if you're done right, idk). Just wanted to put this out there. And sometimes if you take shower together before and you're in a really good mood it might get a bit corny before you get horny but yeah it's awesome. Just saying.

Maybe sex is something you need to grow up to to get it right, or maybe I just didn't feel enough desire towards my exes - but he's the first guy to make me this horny. Plus I don't mind blowing him, while I was seriously grossed out by FB's dick (though maybe that was because he was a smoker).

It's like I enjoy making him feel good not just because I know he'll make me feel good too, but for his sake. Plus it's great fun to tease him. Though I haven't managed to push him over the brink yet. Like, tease him so bad that he pounces at me without any self-control left.

And then there's the casual talk about sex. I don't mind talking to him about it. I don't mind telling him about my fantasies and whatnot. I don't mind trying new things, either. The inhibitions I used to have are gone (except for one which is anal but yeah well).

Or maybe, just maybe, it's all because I'm so happy when I'm with him. He puts me in a good mood almost all the time, despite the Sads. I just like to spend time with him, no matter in what way.

TL;DR: I'm very satisfied with my sex life and the changes to it and I'm happy.

/P.

drawing his face isn't as easy as i thought

I miss my painting utensils. I need to get them after the holidays or I'll go crazy. I need to paint something other than the absolutely shitty projects we are being assigned by our art teacher.

Tomorrow's Friday which means that I can finally go to the bookstore!! Yaaay!! I have to get letter paper and at least two crime novels or at least a thriller or something. I've been deprived of proper books for far too long. Ah so much to do, so much to do.......

/P.

red ribbons on my desk

I need to learn how to stand up to my father. It simply can' be that hard, can it? And yet I still haven't managed, have I.

The sky is beautiful tonight. I can see hundreds of stars, it's amazing. I'm used to cloudy, obscure skies back "home", but this... this is beautiful. So many stars.

He looked so happy to have found a new music mix. It's so adorable how he can get excited over little things. It makes me so happy that he's the way he is, so genuine, so... ugh I can't begin to explain. I just love him, I guess. And it's doing weird things to me. Surprisingly pleasant, but nevertheless weird. Maybe because I'm not used to being granted this much happiness. I'm not complaining though. I wouldn't have it any other way.

/P.

i wanna feel you exhale my name onto my neck

What amazes me is the extent of his worrying about me. He worries as soon as I hide my face or don't say anything for a tad too long. Sometimes he's wrong and I'm just dreaming or staring ahead for no reason, but mostly he's right. I just don't admit it 80% of the time. I don't want to be nuisance, and I also don't want to indulge in my sadness because ignoring it actually makes it better. Temporarily. But it's a start.

The weekends are far too short. I can't wait to be able to spend more time with him without thinking about school work or having to wake up early the next morning. Though I'm already grateful for what we have now. I feel so comfortable with him. I don't mind him seeing me trudge to the toilet looking like a zombie in the morning, he doesn't mind me seeing him when he's weak... Neither of us needs to pretend. We make awful jokes, poke fun at each other, we generally act like idiots and we have tons of fun while we're at it. Basically like best friends who also happen to love each other in all ways possible. I'm not scared of not being good enough, you know what I mean? I just want to - and can! - be me. With all my traits; be it good or bad ones. And it's great. It's really great.

We made the cookies today, I can't believe it took us so long. But they turned out really tasty so it was worth it. All the more reason fro me to stay over next weekend too and gobble them up ;)

/P.

"don't be sad"

I know he means well, and I know he worries about me, and I know he just wants to see me happy. I know that. But it's still annoying to have people tell you "not to be sad". It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. I don't want to be sad. If I could change my mood I would, believe me.
What I need you to do is hug me and whisper into my ear that everything will be okay. Or just lie/sit/stand with me in silence and hold me. Just hold me. Don't let me disappear.

wooden heart

The exams were boring as fuck, I kept falling asleep after completing the tasks - what others needed one hour for I had finished in twenty minutes and I wasn't allowed to leave the room before all the others had finished so go figure how infinitely bored I was. So I kind of just caught up with the sleep I'd missed in the morning since I had to wake up at 5 a.m. to be in Chur at 7:30. And then I did my homework at GC's place and waited for him to come home and then I went to sleep because I was exhausted.

And then came the nightmares. I haven't had them in ages (and when I say in ages I mean like one and a half years at least). They were the same as back then. Recurring nightmares. I hate them. So naturally I slept really badly and felt like shit in the morning but I had to force GC out of bed because he had a music rehearsal. And then I went back t sleep, kept waking up but not that often. GC woke me up at 1:00 p.m. when he'd come back from rehearsals and by then I guess I had gotten just enough sleep to function. An espresso did the rest of the job, thank God.

Then I kept trying to suppress outbursts of tears because the Sads have kicked in as I already said. I felt better later because we went for a walk and then had a shower and stuff so the pressure went away mostly but that doesn't change the fact that I've gotten worse so tomorrow I'm calling my psychotwat and telling her to recommend me to someone over here.

So yeah. Sorry for the rant. I need to get all the negative stuff out of my system or one day I swear I'll explode.

Nevertheless I had fun today, at least for the past few hours - it was really sunny today and we made cookie dough for tomorrow to bake, I'm looking forward to it. It feels surreal - surreal but wonderful - that even though it's Sunday I don't have to rush back to the dorms. I can just relax and stay here and be with GC. Me likey.

/P.

intro vs rainymood - the xx

Wow I was so tired today I almost fell asleep during lunch break. Okay I did fall asleep but it was for like 5 minutes so it was more of a power nap than anything else.
Tomorrow's finally Friday!! And that means that I'm staying over at GC's again ^-^ All the way until Monday, this time. Mmmm long weekend. Me likey.

I've been writing poetry again lately, but it feels different. More abstract and less rhymes. Tumblr influence? Maybe. I miss my old writing though.

The Sads have kicked in, but it doesn't feel like the usual Sads. They're far less intense, so to speak. It's been going on for at least two or three weeks. It's just becoming harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm tearing up and stuff. Sometimes it's so bad that I can't say anything because I know my voice will break and I'll start crying like a baby.

My half-sister sent me loads of "kisiel" by post and I'm eating away and it makes me ridiculously happy. Haven't had it in ages. Good stuff. Good times. :)

Aaand on Monday I have half a day off so GC and I are planning to make a shit ton of Christmas cookies which will be epic and tasty and ah life isn't bad at all it's pretty great in fact if it weren't for the Sads... I'm so happy, you see, despite the Sads. I can laugh and I feel good. Which is awesome. (That doesn't change the fact that I need to stand up to my father and speak my mind or I'll never break free)

/P.

you're evil. - i know.

I enjoy bullying him. I like to see how far I can push him. And he bears with it heroically, I must admit. gosh the things he has to deal with when he's with me... I almost feel sorry for him, but then again he hasn't really complained yet so I guess it's fine. He's the type to speak his mind.
But then again I can't bear to see him sad. It's painful.
D used to say that I'm too empathetic but I think it's more - or is it simpler? - than that. I care for him, and I care with him.

/P.

snapchat

I'm beginning to feel very comfortable with being myself in public. As in: being awkward, discussing male vs female hotness, getting angry and telling people they annoy me without bottling it up, doodling smileys on other people's papers, blowing kisses to BS when we're hating on each other, making sex jokes and googling "dirty sanchez" because it seemed to be  funny idea. It's not that I was pretending to be someone else before, it's more like I'm opening up more. I've stopped holding back. I'm my old impulsive self again, I guess :)

Not everyone takes it well, of course, but they'll get used to it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I'm not here for their entertainment, to put it simply.

/P.

secret santa

It's Christmas soon and as always I have no idea what presents to get. And when. I might go next Saturday since I'm in Chur anyway, actually.
I kind of really want to spend Sylvester with GC, but for certain reasons (*cough* my father *cough*) I can't. But I'm determined to stay at his place for at least the last two-three days of the holidays, so. Gosh I can't imagine not seeing him for two whole weeks... Ugh.

We're playing Secret Santa in the dorm and I have one of the young ones and I totally have no idea what she likes so I'm just gonna pile sweets upon her and hope she likes them :P Got her gummy bears today.

I've also gone back to abstract doodling; it relaxes me. I might risk doodling in different colours soon - up until now I've only ever used a pencil. I also need to get on with my sketch book for school (I need to have 15 sketches by the end of the semester and I only have 6) and I have to design my cover which I still haven't done and which also needs to be handed in by the end of the semester, which is soon.

I need to get more sleep this week, or GC will have to put up with me sleeping through the entire weekend at his place ;P

/P.

new friend old friend

I've made an internet friend, go me. Her name is Robyn and she's on tumblr. We don't talk much, just the occasional message, but it's quite interesting to talk to a person I have never met but who has similar interests to mine and just wants to meet new people. I like talking to her.

ZL visited yesterday. It was fun catching up on things. I had half expected it to be a bit awkward but we kind of fell into our old rhythm almost immediately, just like it used to be. Only that we're a bit older and a bit more mature now. Which isn't a problem, of course.

/P.

abridged (and probs romanticized) version of last evening

"What have you done to me?" I ask. His cheek is scratchy under my fingers.
"I should ask you the same thing." He props himself up on one arm. "You make me crazy."
"I love you." It has become easier to say it over time.
"Jeu hai bugen tei", he says back. "I like saying it. It sounds much better than jeu carezzel tei, to be honest." He sighs. "I love you way too much."
I frown. "Can one love too much? Is it a bad thing?"
"That depends on you." He kisses me.
I pull away. "No it doesn't. It you who says it. Why can it be a bad thing?"
Now it's his turn to frown. "I guess... It's because it's dangerous."
My chest tightens. "Well then we're both taking the same risk. So bring it on."
He smiles.
------------------------------
"I don't want to fall asleep alone", he says, and wraps his arms tightly around me. "I don't want you to leave."
"I can't help it", I answer. Doors close at ten, that's the iron rule.
"You know, we see each other every day, but we can never actually do anything."
I smile. "Like what?"
He puffs his cheeks. "There are so many things I want to do with you, so many places I want to go..." He trails off.
"We have the weekends", I say weakly. I know it doesn't count.
"I hate this. I don't want to fall asleep by myself", he says again and hides his face in the pillow. He hugs me tighter yet and I feel his heartbeat against my skin. It's always so incredibly loud; a big, strong heart. Like him.
"Neither do I", I whisper.

So I'm not the only one after all. Not being with him throws me off my regular pace, especially since it's the weekend. I couldn't sleep properly Saturday night because I kept waking up, feeling for his body in the dark, but then realizing that I was in my own room, in my own bed, and not in his. Of course I'll never tell him that. But he feels the same. It's sad and wonderful at the same time.
Ah, young love.

/P.