just a short response to E

I know this would get a lot of attention. I mean me bellowing out to the world that I'm in for a o-n-s, but seriously, just how many people read this in the first place? Maximum 3. All the more work for me :/

Beginning Anew

For starters, I've ripped off every single drawing, painting, photo, poster and card off the walls in my room and hidden them in a drawer way up high where I can't reach them. I've stuffed half my books into cardboard boxes and stashed them in the darkest corners of my cellar. And I've thrown every single thing like souvenirs, origami paper, gnawed-on pencils, plastic toys from happy meals and various other things I never had the heart to get rid of into the waste bin. And no I wasn't in a fit of rage or anything. I'm far of becoming psycho at the moment.

My room looks a lot more barer without all the crap in it. But it also looks more spacey and I can finally breathe properly when I'm in it. I don't feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of all the memories hidden in all that stuff anymore. The plan is to reorganize my room completely, hang new stuff on the wall and get rid of everything I don't need. Go me. Let's hope this isn't gonna take me the whole rest of the year.
Besides the room my wardrobe needs a little pepping up, but that can wait until next year since Mum will throw a it if I make her buy more clothes now. I just have the feeling I have to move my ass and make a change in my life. It's pathetic; I go to school and play the cheery one, come home, do my homework, then sit down on my armchair and stare out of the window listening to music, not doing anything, just thinking of how miserable I am in reality. Ugh. When I think about I'm disgusted with myself. So I'm going to change it. No more crying my eyes out at night for no good reason.
I was thinking of going out more, getting myself a life outside, meeting a few interesting people and letting out all of my frustration over a dance floor, a few mojito's and a cute guy. Sounds good to me. And yes, that would be cheating on D, but seriously, it hurts too much knowing he's not here so I'd rather have a few one-night-stands and a few more hangovers than pining over him the whole damn time. ...I'm a jerk, aren't I? But I guess that's what life does to you when it stabs you in the back too many times.
Summary: No more crying, new room, new attitude, more shopping, more drinking, less regretting.
D said: "You should live life in such a way that it's fun to remember but awkward to tell." He's right.

xx  /P

too good, too painful

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
                                               ~Lifehouse, "Everything"


My friend tells me boys never write long smses or mails. She says it's just not in their nature to write more than one or two lines like "hi. yeah i'm fine, you? nah nothing's going on here, the usual". Is it just me or does that just sound really really distanced and disinterested? Yeah I'm feeling neglected.
I could start making excuses now like "he's just shy" or "he's just not good in expressing his thoughts/feelings", but I guess that would just be wishful thinking. The truth is, I'm the only one that falls head over heels for the wrong guy and can't let go. That's just me, and although I've tried so hard to change myself, I still stay the same in the end. Stupid heartfelt lovelorn little girl. Me.
Right. D is a great person, a real sweetheart and everything, but when it comes to communicating, he's useless. To think that I think of him every single fucking day, and he might just vaguely remember my face by now.
V told me about her long distance relationship once; she said that after one month of sitting at home missing her boyfriend she just got up from bed one day and didn't feel a thing anymore. She said it was the distance that made it impossible to hang on. I've been hanging on for almost a month now. Maybe this will stop one day, just like with V. I don't know if to look forward to that moment or to dread it. Either way, love never lasts forever.
And yet he's everything I can think of. I desperately hang on to any shred of memories I have of him. L brought the word t.m.i. into our friendship precisely because of that.
Haaaah change of subject change of subject!!! L is a reaaally cool guy to be friends with. Seriously. Funny, Italian (uh...is that a reason? oO), ready to talk with you in front of you house at 1:30 in the morning just because you don't feel like going home yet.... More people should be like him. L, thx :)
Okay I'm going, I'm going, no worries ^^
xx /px

Keeping up Appearances

School starts tomorrow... I cut my hair the other day, it's fucking short now, I can't tie it up in a ponytail anymore. But I like the cut, it makes me feel better. it's funny how changing your appearance can make you change on the inside too, although one says it's the other way round.

I wonder if I've changed since before the holidays. Sure, I'm still the crazy old me, but on the other side I feel more serious now. Maybe it's because I'm having mood swings ever since D left; one moment I'm euphoric, the next I'm down in a hole. Luckily D gave me a whole collection of his music so I have no fear of being depressed too long, "his" playlist makes me smile every time, though I never thought I'd like reggae that much ^^.

...Is it just me or am I like the only one here who's actually ready to wait for a guy for so long?! I mean okay I might like go out with guys once in a while while I'm here, but in the end I'll always go back to D without a second thought. Sheesh he's not even that special, and yet I'm seriously into him. M said he looks like the type of person who's a good kisser. She was hella right. ;)

A word on E about SK: Guys think differently, but you should seriously set this straight with them  coz c'mon it's not a cool feeling to have a friend who thinks it's obvious that you'd let him into his pants just because your friends. Omg did this statement just now make any sense at all? Whatever I hope you know what I mean. And this goes to all you gals out there: If a friend of yours thinks he has some right to get into your pants, something's really wrong with the way people percieve you.

Ooops too many random subjects...

xx /P.

Meow

I've been in sailing camp this last week, and... I finally found something that makes me tear away my thoughts from D for a moment. Plus a guy is totally hitting on me, one of the teachers. He's twenty, his name begins with an S (why do they all have an S?!) and he's cute. But D is cuter. And wayyy better ^-^

I promised M to write her a mail. I haven't. Not good. One always promises friends to write and call and blah blah blah but in the end all friendships end the same way: you forget to write, you feel bad but then you remember that the other person didn't ever write to you either. So anyway, I'm sending her a damn mail.

I really must go shopping. It's like this thing inside me is trying to break free and mow down every single shop in reach just for the fun of it. Yeh, really poetic, isn't it? ^^ Yeh I'm in a good mood. Yeh D is a sweetheart and writes smses that make me crazy because I can see him grinning while he writes them and make me want to tell him to jump onto the next plane to Switzerland so I can give him a bear hug just because he's himself. I guess this is what you call crazy in love ^^"

xx /P

Missing U

Well, I'm back. Kinda. Okay, half of me is back. The other half is with a truly wonderful person named D.

Yeah I know I said he was only a very close friend, but hey, things change, it's in their nature. At the beginning I was scared that I might be in some way cheating on S, but to be honest, I really don't give a shit. (This is the moment when the audience gives me a standing O) For fourteen days, I was in a state of total happiness. (And now come the awwwws and ooohs) What else could I ask for? For one thing, I could ask for him to stay. To hold me. To never let go. Blah blah blah all the romantic humbug, that makes me smile and think of him..... Jesus I am one heap of feelings. I wonder why my feelings always have a negative effect on me in the end. I mean, I was happy for two weeks, but now he's gone for a whole fucking year. Knowing me, I'll go through all the trouble and wait that fucking year, but him.... He's an honest guy, a good guy, so maybe my hopes are not in vain. Omigosh I feel like a twelve-year-old chatting about her first love. So embarrassing. Whatever.

I miss my class............ Why do all the fun people have to go?! No offense, E, and everybody else, I haven't forgotten about you ;) I wannna go shopping!!! (Here I burst out crying on the scene)

OK I have the urge to tell you about my wonderful most important teddybear. (ugh, sticky sweet, not good)
He's honest, not only with others, but with himself. He has a very mature view of the world, and it's fun to listen to him talk about the state of the world, especially because of the characteristic sarkazm he puts into his stories. He's sensitive, but won't admit it. He can make me smile even in the most terrible situation. He smells nice... I forgot to ask him what aftershave he uses, come to think of it. He has the most awesome pair of eyes I've ever seen.... brown around the pupils, then green, then dark blue around the edges. He likes silence, but listens to killswitch and slash. He's the person I want to have with me always.

Sorry... Again

I know I haven't been here for too long. But writing stuff here just sometimes makes things go bad, so I guess I needed the break.

It's always hard to keep a secret from your closest friend. It's even harder to explain it when they find out by themselves. I simply hate that disappointed look that screams "Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were best friends!". What can I do? A secret is only a secret as long as you keep it to yourself, no matter how much I trust my friends. Lately there have been a lot of secrets to keep. Slowly I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one having privacy problems out here.

Some people never change. I know many people of that kind. Some of them I count as friends and want them to stay the way they are, some of them I count as acquaintances and pray to God that they will please change to the better some day, or even better, some time soon. It's not their reputation that makes me judge them or any other prejudices. It's their behavior in the past that makes me cautious around them and lets me think twice before saying or doing anything. One person in particular should change. He (yes, he) has so many sides to him that I'm not always sure which is the true one. Mostly I think it's the negative side, as wonderful as it were if he really was the nice guy. The worst thing about him is not his character though; it's the lies. I always find out in the end, and every time I've known since the beginning, but I still stick to him, because he makes me feel okay for once. No matter how it hurts to know the truth, it's hard for me to let go.
I think what captures me is his warmth. It's fake, that warmth, like a heat lamp instead of the sun. But it feels fine. I feel fine when I'm around him, I'm not that empty anymore. Despite what others think of me, I'm not such a happy person. I'm actually not okay at all. I'  could say something really kitschy now like "he's like the sun and I'm the flower" but that wouldn't be right. It's not like that. The flower and the sun live symbiotically. But in my case, I'm the flower in a dark room, and hes just a light bulb somewhere high above me, barely reachable, barely shining, barely even there.

Being depressed can really make my thoughts sound poetic. I wonder if the famous poets of our time were depressive or at least sad when they wrote their masterpieces. Sadness is such a beautiful thing, to think about it. It makes you deepest thoughts, desires and regrets come to the surface in a single salty drop from your eye. Sadness itself is poetry.

xxx