all i want for christmas...

Surprisingly enough, I actually in all honesty miss him. I say surprisingly because I really didn't expect this.
Anyway, aside from getting a hidden proposal and a love poem every day (and no, I'm not exaggerating - it's cute, really) I've been texting more than I ever have before on a daily basis.
The affair from spring isn't here; I'd really need a vent right now. Plus I really love his dogs - at least one kind of pet I'm not allergic to. And yes, I know it's wrong of me to think this way.
So much for my love life.
Don't judge me. Oh wait, you already have, quite some time ago.
But no matter - let the old affairs stay in the past, where they should be. Right now I should focus on the person who's completely crazy about me; and I don't even have to be conceited or arrogant to say it because it's plain fact for all the world to see. He worships me.
And I - I find myself caring for him more and more every day, despite what I may say or do. He's a sweetheart and he loves me, what more could I possibly want? There's that overly romantic idea of a happily ever after, right there, right in front of me, just for me. Me. Not some stupid movie heroine. Me.
But then... why is this shadow of doubt and disbelief hovering over me? Why can't I just believe for once, regardless of what happened in the past?
I want to be happy. I do. But I don't seem to know how.

/P.

poker (the smell of his cologne)

Today was my last day with F for the next three weeks.
Which means: maximum dosage of everything.
And no, you may not indulge in perverted thoughts, although that is precisely what I meant. :P
And I'm not going to explain or describe anything, don't worry. It would make me blush and none of you want to hear about it so what the hell.

Anyway.
I'm finally in the Christmas mood. It always comes late with me. Maybe it's because I can't wait for my presents.
...I sound like a spoiled brat now, don't I?
Actually, who cares. It's true :P

/P.

run to me (when you hold me, i'm alive)

It's amazing how strongly music can affect my emotional state. There are some songs or melodies that just push a lever in my head and I instantly feel something powerful, be it sadness or happiness or anger or or or.
I'm also missing my bear hug dose. The instructions were 3 times a week. I've had zero. So I'll be needing compensation tomorrow.

Warmth. Generates energy.
Human warmth. Generates emotional energy.

/P.

humans.

I just wanted to say something about the Connecticut school shooting that happened today. In case you don't know what I'm talking about: A guy ran into the school heavily armed and killed at least 27 people, 18 of which were children.
What really hit me was that this is an elementary school we're talking about, with kids that are 5-10 years old.
Of course, every life is valuable and age doesn't (shouldn't) influence the gravity of such a situation, but still: those were innocent little children.

I can't begin to explain what I think of somebody who would slaughter so many people who did nothing to harm him. Those were people with families, with lives of their own, with dreams. Innocent people.
How can a human be capable of such a crime? How can we call ourselves a sophisticated and highly developed species if we can't even act like it?
We kill each other on a daily basis, there's always a war going on somewhere. And yet we say we are more intelligent, more rational, less instinct-driven, all in all better than all the other species on earth. Killing, in my opinion, is raw violence. We're no better than the animals we consider to be inferior to humankind.
And I know I sound like I'm judging everybody now by generalising everything. But what if I told you we're all capable of this raw, bestial violence? You may be thinking that you'd never be able to do something as bad as killing somebody, but technically you are. As long as we can feel anger, hatred, fear, any emotion that can lead to aggression, be it offensive or defensive, we're capable of a lot of things. Gruesome things.

I lose a bit of my faith in humanity every time I hear of such a thing. You'd think that people would learn from past mistakes or think twice before committing any act of violence because of all the things they've heard on the news. But no. We continue doing what we're doing, obstinate and stupid as it is.
I believe in God. I do. But at times like these I'm not so sure whether He believes in us any longer.

/P.

firework

I'm at a relatively happy stage in life right now. My friends are great, I can enjoy life, my relationship with my mother and brother has never been better, I have a boyfriend who'd do anything for me... Good times.
Of course there's a 'but' just waiting to be said.
But, I still can't help feeling empty inside. Like there's a vacuum in my ribcage instead of two lungs and a heart. Breathing sometimes becomes difficult, and there's this kind of pressure I feel, like my chest is going to implode. I don't know what to think of it. Maybe it has something to do with my cyclothymia, I don't know. But it's making me feel guilty, too. I should be genuinely happy about my life situation, about everything really. I have everything I need right here within my reach. And yet I feel empty, like something's missing. I just wish I knew what.

/P.

fake dat british accent

It was freezing cold today. I don't know how I survived, but I'm awfully glad that I have my boots. I love my boots. I might just dedicate this post to them.
Naw.

Met up with F for ten minutes because he was working in the neighbourhood. He's sick. I totally turned into a overprotective mother figure who told him off for not wearing a cap or shawl and being outside in general with a fever. He secretly enjoyed it, I think - I don't often show that I care. The reason for that is that I feel like I'm desperate or something when I openly show affection. I mean, I can make out and all that, but that doesn't count - I could do that with anyone, theoretically. The thing is that I don't like to say 'I love you' or stuff like that too often because when this ends, I'll look and feel like an idiot. So I prefer playing the cold-hearted/ less emotional girl so he's the one saying these things most of the time. Though I should say them once in a while, or I'll lose him. Gosh, I'm making it all so complicated. How much easier it would be if I'd just swallow my pride and live life like a normal person...!

I have a personal hot water bottle now. It's called F. I feel all warm and tingly inside when he's around. It's funny how feelings change over time.
He may be a bit awkward in some situations, he may be a complete beginner in some fields, he may do things wrong over and over, but he makes me feel happy. I'm fine with being me and not someone else thanks to him. And that's a lot.

/P.

only just a kiss

I don't know what to think when a certain guy kisses me out of nowhere while seemingly rehearsing our lines for a scene in the back row of seats. Don't get me wrong, it was just a little kiss on the cheek, but it still took me by surprise. What's more, this shouldn't be happening since he hasn't been talking to me much lately (though that's probably because I was sick for a week).
Ah, what to do? I feel guilty for not telling him off for it. It's not like there's anything behind it, but I still feel that I should have done something. Kinda defend my honour as somebody else's girlfriend or whatever.
Poor F. He has one mean bitch for a girlfriend and doesn't notice. I wish I could stop bad-mouthing him in front of others but he's so awkward in some aspects that it's hard not to. But he's sweet anyway. And warm and cosy and funny.
And mine :3
Yep, I'd really need one of his bear hugs right now.

/P.

kiss kiss bang bang

I was supposed to have a relapse into depression today.
I didn't. Thank God.
Instead I had an awesome lunch with F's family and lots of fun. Dinner was grilled stuffs we made outside and a load of snow balls flying everywhere while we were bellowing 'Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong. So yeah, it was pretty awesome.
I kind of get the feeling that I'm really happy around him. I mean he's totally crazy, but so am I and to be honest I don't care. It's just fun to be around him.
I realised on the train on the way home that I'm really gonna miss him during the holidays.
It's just that I'm beginning to get used to him, his presence, his warmth, his voice... and it sound totally cheesy, I know, but it's true. Though at times I wish it were different. Because when I feel this way, I start wanting commitment and long-term relationships and and and. Which is something I'm scared of. So.
But I wanted this post to end on a cheerful note. And so: Right now, I'm glad I went for it. I'm happy.

/P.

little round bread

I know I said I wouldn't go for it with F. But I did. As always.
I'm not serious yet, don't get me wrong. This needs time and thought.
The thing is, I really like him and his family is an awesome bunch of people and I feel great when I'm with them. Hell, the dinners at their place are the best I've had in a long time, just because of the atmosphere.
Plus I really like to tease him. Just provoke him long enough til he can't quite hold himself any longer. It's a feeling of control, in a way, but also of being controlled later on. Now that I've formulated it, it kind of sounds kinky. Oh well.

/P.

Snowstorm

There are some things that can't be said too often, because they lose their validity with time that way. They just become something that seems to be said out of habit, not something you actually mean with all your heart and soul.
That's why some things should only be said a few times in life, in moments when you really mean them. One shouldn't waste their worth.

/P.

baby, when the lights go out...

I know now why I'm afraid of commitment. Or rather, why I can't seem to believe it when I'm told that I'm loved.
I'm terrified of the moment when those feelings lose their validity. I've learned the hard way that nothing lasts forever, and I'm not even talking about just relationships here.
You see, the moment I embrace the feelings someone has for me and return them, that's when I make myself vulnerable. Because when that someone stops loving me, I'll get hurt. And I'll get hurt for sure. That's why I don't want commitment. I know that when I say that I love someone, that love won't just go away one day. A part of me still loves D, for example. It's still inside me, but it's not dominating or anything - it's just there. He was part of my life, and I can't forget that, no matter how much I might want to.
I'm so scared to be abandoned. I'm scared that he'll tire of me when he understands that in truth, I'm not a fun person to be around for long. I get clingy, I need constant proof that I'm still loved... But it's because I don't want it to end. I want to know what he thinks about me and if I'm doing anything wrong and whether he still loves me and if it's true that he actually does.
It's kind of a massive, paradoxical complex. I don't want commitment because it will end some day, but I want it all the same because I need the warmth of another human being.
And I just don't know how to cope with it.
I'm not made for breakups. And I know I shouldn't be so pessimistic, I should live for here and now, et cetera. But it's not that easy. God knows I wish that I could think differently. So if you think I'm paranoid and over-reacting, think twice; aren't I right to some point?

/P.

Bunny impression

I got new boots today :D

I'm at C's party and I have no idea why I'm writing this... J just arrived, gotta go say hi.

/P.