Pandas all the way

I don't know whether he's just crazy as fuck over me and a tad psychotic or whether he's just a really really sweet guy who's trying too hard.
I mean, who in his right mind would come see me for the only 30minutes of his free time during the day, on top of it by train? I don't know what to think. My brother thinks it's sweet of him to do so... he's all for love at first sight - I didn't know my brother could be such a romantic. It's kinda cute.
But on the other hand, we've only known each other for a bit more than a week. It might be too fast a progress if you ask me. Though it doesn't seem like it's been such a short time.
Should I believe for once that someone actually holds me dear? After certain assholes who claimed the same thing but turned out to be filthy liars, I'm reluctant to accept it. My self-esteem is so low that I can't believe it, no matter whether it's true or not. The trouble is, I want to believe it. But how do I know when I'm right to do so and when it's a mistake?

/P.

Minna-Cat

You wouldn't believe what a relief it is when you can just let yourself fall, knowing that there's someone there to catch you and hold you tight.

I know I'm using him to feel better about myself, for the physical and emotional warmth...
But aren't all relationships like that? We go for it because of our own desires and needs, not for the sake of the other party. No matter how we love another person, in the end, there's an egoistical reason behind it all.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself, I don't know. But I think I might just be right after all.

/P.

Apple

Seems that physical contact is important after all.
Am I too shy or too proud? Wish I knew. Either way, I can't say what I want at times, whether it's to save myself or my face. Isn't that kind of the same thing, anyway?
Desire is a tricky thing. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with other emotions as such, and still it's just as powerful. How so? I wonder.

I don't regret telling F that I really don't want a relationship (with him). It's only fair for him to know. But I kinda feel guilty for having to say it so harshly :/
Oh well, I just hope I won't feel sorry so much that I might do something regrettable tomorrow... I've already been warned not to.

/P.

British Devil

I've decided to break it off with potatohead-guy (as YD likes to call the acquaintance) as soon as possible. It's becoming pretty creepy.

On a more earnest note:
I need a hug. A true bear hug. I feel like I'm breaking apart from the inside lately - slowly, slowly. Like cracked ice. And I need something - or someone - to keep me together in one piece. Or I might just disappear.

/P.

sensitive neck (mine turtle)

Right, so the acquaintance is very serious about stuff I wish he wasn't serious about. I don't wanna marry in the future, I don't wanna have kids because I'd fuck up their lives for sure. I want to have fun while I can, I don't want commitment to a degree where someone tells me they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. It freaks me out. I'm terrified of such a responsibility and possibility. Most probably because I don't wanna screw up again. But on the other hand I want to find someone who can put up with me and who can accept me as I am. I want to be loved and to be treasured. Just like any other girl, really.
I don't know whether I should go on encouraging the acquaintance because he's in for a nasty surprise with me. I'm not ready for a relationship like the one he wants. For God's sake, I'm only seventeen and I've known him for more or les three days know. No, just no.

I found out something about Utah and I don't know what to do with the info. I don't know whether I should talk to him about it, either, since I don't want to be nosy or anything.

I am so full of doubts about everything recently. I wish life was more clear.

/P.

almost, almost

I wonder what's more 'acceptable' in society: a bisexual woman or a bisexual man?
Probably a woman, since we women are allowed to be all cuddly with both genders in the open without being stared at, while guys have to stay all manly and serious and shit.

For heaven's sake, has Utah ever even heard of the 3-second-rule? Anything longer than that is just awkward. And: if you decide to go that way, go all the way. Don't bail out on something you started.

Aaand the new acquaintance looked weird when I saw him again. Like, nothing special. He looked better the first time. Oh well, must have been the alcohol. And the dim lights at the party. Still gonna go out with him this week though, just to see how it works. I haven't texted this much in quite some time now.

/P.

right question, wrong time

I should defend myself once in a while and stop letting him do what he wants. I think I just don't feel like because it's funny how pushy he can be if you let him. We'll see, we'll see.

I met up with my half-sister today, it was fun. I wish we had more occasions to just hang out and talk. It's a nice feeling.

/P.

prod my nose

I've recently rediscovered the joy of writing little notes to people. I had almost forgotten the feeling.

The reading of the scenes I wrote was okay, I'm glad nobody thought they were crap (which was my greatest fear today). Since some people were missing, I hope I can get someone to play in 'Wake', because I really wanna play Lucy. She's one of my favorites - though I like Jennifer the best, because she's the most human. Or probably because she's me.

I'm going to watch Skyfall coming Sunday, looking forward to that, actually. Can't wait.

And finally, the question of this week is: What data was he talking about?

/P.

shenanigan

Awesome word, by the way.

I want a tattoo right over my heart saying 'alive'. Or two feathers on my shoulder blades. Or a star on my ankle. Stereotypic, but I like the motif. Or maybe 'walking on sunshine' on my sole... though I wouldn't be able to walk for some time which would suck, of course.

Starting to like the hugging thing.

I'm stuck with my monologue. It's almost, almost done but it's just not quite right. There's something missing. Raaah.

/P.

falling to pieces

Sometimes I have this feeling in my chest, like I can't breathe properly.

It's like something's trying to get out.

It fills me with this indescribable sadness and longing for something, but I don't know what, like I'm missing something but can't remember what.

It's just that I want to be happy for once. Like, really happy. I want to be able to say that I'm glad to be alive and that I'm loved and that I can look to the future with hope and confidence. I want to be able to say that I want to stay here, that I want to live.

/P.

Enjoy The Silence

Old but gold.
I found a stand on the Petersplatz selling vinyl plates. If I could, I'd buy the whole shop. The guy had almost everything I could dream of. Depeche Mode, Elvis, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, Queen, Jimi Hendrix, Dire Straits, Elton John, Tracy Chapman, Pink Floyd, the Doors, Deep Purple, Eric Clapton ... just everything. And what I just listed is like 10% or something.
Oh God I wanna buy them all and store them in my room and listen to them all day and all night and never go to sleep because who needs sleep if you have fucking awesome music to live to?

/P.

ouch

Ah, well.
Think what you like, it doesn't matter in the end.

Was at the Petersplatz/Münsterplatz today with some friends. I'm never going on that roundabout thingy again, I almost squashed LR and my leg to death. Never again.

Found out something nasty about a thing in my past this evening, too. I should die in a hole.

And in my defence, I might not have been the one who started showing interest (at) first, but my interest was triggered by certain implications by the other party. So no, no complexes over here, thanks.

I guess that's enough of (un)clear allusions for today.

/P.

deer in love lights

So, I rewrote the whole monologue, looks much better now.
But I know I'll be performing another one on the showcase anyway.

I'm kinda hooked to She Wolf by David Guetta recently, keep listening to it nonstop. It can't be long till I've had enough of it, though.
It's always this way; I find a cool song, listen the shit out of it and then abandon it for a new one. I can't just listen to a selection of songs like a normal person, oh no, not me. Sigh.

Update on Utah: he likes to 'hug' me on random occasions when it's really awkward (no idea what to think of it, but I just kinda lead him on anyway - I wanna see how far he'll go). And he's found out that my neck is really sensitive. I'm in for a tough week.

Just now I realized I haven't thought of D for a really long time. It's like he's just vanished from my life. Not that it's bad. I'd like it to stay that way, actually.

And I noticed that I get horny when I'm nervous. Thank God I'm not a guy, I'd have massive boners every time I'd have a presentation/test/something to say in front of the class in general. Which would be awkward. So thank you God for making me a woman, I appreciate it. But you could have made my boobs bigger. Just sayin'.

/P.

warm arms (cranberry sweets)

Still haven't been able to write a monologue. The thing is, I can write anything I want as much as I want, as long as I'm not given a strict subject. But when I have a limitation, however small, my brain kinda rebels and says 'no way I'm gonna do that, nu-uh' and then I'm basically screwed.
So yeah. I chose a hypocrite criticizing society (sound familiar?) but now that I actually get to write something about it, oh no, dear Mrs Brain won't comply. Bitch. And yeah, it's a she.

English was fun. Had a Harry-Potter-scar drawn on my hand (bitch, I'm Harriet Potter, so your argument is invalid), and got hugged by the warmest arm ever.
And the first rehearsal with Tumasz was pretty cool too, I hope I'll get to play Puck in the play. That would be really awesome. And I got to stand on a table. Always fun to do that.

And I'm hooked to cranberry sweets. The Ricola ones. I could nomnomnom them for ever. And probably die of diabetes. Yeah.

/P.

wildcat strikes

It's always nice to know that there's some gossip about you going around. Really nice. Love it. And yes, I'm virtually dripping with sarcasm right now.

So, this morning around 3a.m. I woke up to pain in my gut, and with pain I mean scream-out-loud-pain. By around 10a.m. I swear to God I was ready to grab a kitchen knife and cut out my uterus.
Too much information? Well, at least it will explain my ghastly mood in the next few days. In moments like these I hate being a woman, I really do.

On a friendlier note, I'm happy to congratulate LR on being a cougar and a babe. I love you. Like, to the moon and back. You're just awesome. And you blew my mind since you became one before me. Lol.

Also, I find Utah very interesting. Finger licking interesting.
(I changed my mind, so what?)

/P.