Dear D

Write, you fucking asshole. You promised.
At least fucking call.
I miss you, you coldhearted prick.
And don't say you're sorry again. If you were you wouldn't do the same mistakes over and over and over and over again.

/P.

Well, Damn.

I'm prety sure I'm gonna fail this year. I've almost given up already.
So I thought I'd organize a kind o farewell party or something, though I don't know when yet.
Anyway, I'm gonna miss my class like hell. It's the most awesome class I've ever been in and it's a fucking shame that I'm gonna have to leave.
Damn. I really wish I had done better, maybe I would have if I hadn't slept at all.

You might see me smiling, or laughing, or joking around, but inside I'm pretty much depressed. I just don't want too many people to know (it's not like anybody reads this so it's safe here) so it's not awkward if I pass after all (haha wishful thinking lvl 9000).
Just pretend not to know. I'm still fucking here. Also I wanted to say that I did give my best and I did try and I did fight.
So yeah.
That's that.

/P.

Jealous?

Right. I never thought I'd live up to this day. So the boyfriend has this best friend, and she's a girl. Yes, sounds like drama material to me, too. But you see, here's the thing: It's not. She has a boyfriend herself, who by chance also happens to be the boyfriend's best friend too. And she's really nice, both of them are. I don't exactly belong to the group yet, but they accept me as "the boyfriend's girlfriend" basically. It's a start.
Anyway.
I know I shouldn't, but I feel uneasy when that girl is around the boyfriend. It's not like I act different with other people than when it's just the two of us, so it's not a problem of "distance" or anything. It's just that legère way she has with him that I don't. It's something only best friends can share, I can't really explain it, but once you're bf and gf then that... aura or whatever ceases to exist. You have other things best friends don't have, but the intimacy is on a different level. Yeah, intimacy is the right word. And that's what I'm jealous of. Even though I have more than enough. It's just something I want but I'm scared of it at the same time. The closeness would be too much to handle when it comes down to being completely honest and trust one another. You know why.

/P.

Late.

Story of my life. Guys, if you don't want to be friend-zoned, tell the truth. It takes guts and you take a certain risk, but isn't always like that in life? And who knows, maybe you're lucky...?

So Far.

"Wake up
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable"
-System Of A Down

Again, the sad truth behind our masks.
Every morning you wake up and the first thoughts that come to you probably aren't "I'm awesome" or "I feel great the way I am". More likely you thoughts sound more like "My hair looks terrible" or "I'm fat" or "Nobody understands me". Admit it.
Then you walk into you bathroom, wash your face, notice that your forehead is too high or your eyebrows are too dark or whatever. You try to correct those 'faults' and mostly end up looking worse than before. After that you dress up; you notice that those new jeans are still too small and you have to lose more weight, or that your favourite T-shirt is suddenly a bit tight around your hips. You make a big drama about all of it in your head, not noticing that in the eyes of others, you're probably someone they would like to be like. It goes on and on and on. Nobody is happy with themselves. I'm not, for that matter. And I probably have no right to be saying all this in the first place since I can't really be a role model.
People, have more confidence in yourselves. You may think you're ugly, whether it's on the inside or the outside. There's something beautiful in everybody, sometimes you just have to look closely to see it.
You can always change, and you always have a choice.

/P.

True Colours

I was talking to C the other day and came to a conclusion about myself. My behaviour changes accordingly to my surroundings. I don't try to fit in or anything, I just change.

It made me wonder.

Everybody lives behind a mask. Everybody has their secrets that they don't want others to know about. This way of thinking may seem paranoid, but let's be honest: it's the truth. And the reason why people shove away this way of thinking is because they can't admit to themselves that they're exactly the same.

I remember all the posts from way back last year when I'd be this depressed kid who'd hide her tears behind a smile. Most people would put it off as teen drama and stuff, but I think that I wasn't the only one who's reality actually looked like that.

And, after all, even if it's not always at the same level, all of us are in a way pretentious. Some of us just seem to do it better than others.

/P.

Sleeping Beauty

Her colors are faded

She’s wrinkled and dry

Frail, sure to break

At just the wind’s sigh

Yet she stands upright

With iron will

The dead rose

On my windowsill

Little Red Robin

Of broken hearts and dreams that shattered

Of feelings hidden and words that mattered

Unbeknownst to the gods above

He sings a song that tells of love

Precedents of Dawn

The curtain falls, the lights grow dim,

Backstage, applause is but a murmur,

A faint memory of things long gone,

Good and bad, deeds on a whim-

And the actors bow and smile,

Discarded, precedents of dawn.

Ponderings on a Winter Morning

A barrier, invisible but steadfast

Looms in front of my eyes

Cold at touch, the mist settles around my fingers

The trees outside stir, I hear nature’s old heart

White wind sweeps through the valleys

And stillness takes over the vivid colors of life.

Positive thinking

"Everything is good with crumpets involved." (Chealy)

Let's be positive. In less than 2 months the summer holidays begin and school can kiss my ass goodbye for 6 weeks. 6 glorious, relaxing weeks. Yes.
But.
Before this wonderful episode of recovery, I have tons of essays, tests, presentations and hours of school in general that I have to survive. On top of that I have to write my MA during the holidays. Oh and I'll only be spending 2 weeks in 'my' forest in Poland where I get to see D again. Two fucking weeks. Two. No more. It's like father's doing it on purpose. Two weeks just aren't enough to catch up for a whole year, it's impossible!

But back to being positive.
-Staying over at the boyfriend's on Sat, to get rid of the pressure and stuff. Sounds like fun to me.
-Almost finished German essay, finally.
-Ex-bf looks like shit, makes me feel better about myself.
-Dreamed about slapping LR and for all the times she's made me feel like the bad guy when I wasn't. Woke up feeling fulfilled.
-D gave a sign of life, acted overly nice. Probably guilty. Or nervous because we're seeing each other soon. Has a huskier voice than I remember from last time, sounds kinda sexy.

/P.

Moonlight

So come a little closer
Show me how
It's okay to be lost
And it's okay to be scared
Stay a little longer
I need you now
Because you make me feel stronger

-James Cheal aka ChealyTheNinja

things i did today (don't read this)

-wake up
-throw up
-take medicine
-sleep 1hour
-wake up
-throw up
-read my french and german books
-take medicine
-sleep 3hours
-wake up
-eat a portion of rice with apple mousse
-be scared of throwing up
-not throw up
-take medicine
-write on my HI

If all the medicine I had today should work, I'll be back tomorrow. If not, I'll make sure to invite those who knew me personally to my funeral, because I seriously feel like I'm about to die right now.

/P.

"oh..."

That moment when you're bored and decide to check on this guy you crushed on for almost three years and realize that he's pretty damn hot and has a really cute girlfriend

Yeah, "oh..."

/P.

scamz

.....or maybe they all think it's a scam to get attention and ignore it on purpose, hoping I'll stop. Sorry guys, you'll have to wait a long time. I can't get rid of my personality just like that.
Speaking of which, it was really hard to keep the smile on my face today. Especially after getting my mark for my math portfolio. I'm really disappointed, I thought I'd done better. Dammit.

A scam. Hah.
Half of it is, actually, a scam. Sometimes I hate the whole world so much I could scream out loud but I keep that dumb smile on my face anyway. I laugh, I joke, I act stupid. It's relaxing. At some point, I forget my anger, hate or whatever and just go with the flow. From then on it's all 'au naturel'.
One of my excuses for hiding all negative emotions deep inside me is LR. She gets upset when I'm grumpy or sad. I hate it when she's upset. It makes me feel like it's all my fault. But seriously sometimes I just have to tell her what I really think when she says something dumb but then it's immediately about me being mean and insensitive. Okay. I'll go back to smiling and laughing again, if it makes you happy, baby. She's such a fucking spoiled brat, but I can't say no to her. Yeah, true love.
Love as in sismance, mind you. Purely heterosexual.

I feel unmotivated. Like, totally unmotivated. I have to do sooo many things but I simply don't feel like. My body won't move one inch from the bed. If I could I would just stay like this until I die.
I want to have a pet. A parrot or something. Yeah, a parrot. Or a mouse. Or a cat. Cats are cool. I'd call mine Simon. Or Dog, for the fun of it.

/P.

crazy?

"You know, you act really random all the time, but nobody seems to notice or care. Is it because they're used to it or because your randomness comes over so naturally that nobody actually realizes it?" --J.

I don't know. I just act on impulse, I say what I think or feel at the present moment, I'm very direct at times. I used to care about what to say and whether it was bad manners to say this and that... but then I thought, fuck that shit. I'll just be honest. The acting on impulse is more of an impulse really. (No pun intended.) It just started one day and well yeah, it's just stayed like that. I can't really explain it. It's.just a part of who I am.
People do react to my behavior. Sometimes they're taken aback, or they think it's funny, or they ignore it, or they are the same, or they just smile and think "that girl needs to grow up".
What does growing up mean, anyway? Becoming an adult doesn't necessarily change one's behavior or  humor or habits. My mother still laughs at my aunt's pervy jokes that used to be funny during middle school. A friend of ours still plays silly games like story telling with her husband when she's bored because it's still fun. All this seriousness is so pressuring, nobody tells about the half childish stuff grown-ups do. So don't tell me to grow up. I'll stay a kid for as long as possible, until society kicks that kid out of me by force. Is it so bad? I don't think so.

/P.

"Are you happy with me?"

You're kind, funny, sweet and it's never boring around you. You pretend to have a big ego and act a bit like a macho sometimes, but behind all that you're just the cute guy next door who's just waiting to help you out. Most girls would ban you into the friend-zone, but you were lucky with me - we never even became friends to start with, which makes you my boyfriend and my boy-friend.
Yeah. I am.

Sometimes the wrong thing is the right thing to do.

/P.