Thanks

T cried her eyes out to me today. It's annoying that I can't really help her, because she has to figure this out on her own somehow. The only thing I could do was hold her and just listen. It's quite depressing when you want to make it easier for a person close to you but you simply can't because the problem lies inside them. She has what I would call a burnout. Still it's always a relief when the person smiles a bit and tells you: "Thank you for listening to me. It really helps having someone to talk to."

T, if I can do anything, just tell me. I'm always there for you! ♥

So please don't be sad, okay? Somehow we'll figure out all this crappy stuff going on :)

/P.

Guilty

For some reason I've been feeling depressed and guilty lately. Depressed is understandable but guilty? It's just that I have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me I've done something bad. But what??? It's really pissing me off! Maybe it's my subconscience... I dunno. Whatever -.-

/P.

Strange

So I went to C's birthday party Friday evening. I actually had fun. Okay I always find a way to have fun, but this was so strange! I mean there was absolutely no alcohol (the parents - yes there were parents present! - drank it all and seemed to have much more fun than us), this fourteen-year-old kept looking at me weirdly (yes I was together with kids and yes it was perfectly normal for him to look that way because seriously my behavior was far from average), oh and we had to play a game that  don't want to explain because it's more complicated than it looks and the last time I played it was in kindergarten. This may sound like the worst evening ever, but... it was awesome. Yes. I used the A-word.

I had this really weird dream last night. I was in our holiday apartment in the mountains together with PB and LR and we wanted to go sledging but there was no snow. LR suggested that PB look out of the window and check if the sledging track had enough snow (seriously wtf). PB went out and came back as JL with a ring and proposed to me, then D climbed through the kitchen window and said "it's okay I like LR now anyway" and then LR slapped D and started crying about everybody being mean and her not having a boyfriend. That's when I woke up fucking confused and thinking "WTF is wrong with me to have such weird stuff going on my head?!". So you can guess in what mental state I am today. Bingo. Brainfucked (my new favorite word) and damn annoyed at everything.

Speaking of annoyed (omg rant-alert!):
My CAS-advisor mailed me because I haven't done shit on managebac. I don't feel like doing it now. I just might add procrastination to my activities... No seriously why the hell do we have to reflect on our activities??? I feel stalked when I have to write stuff like that. Argh. Please let me die somewhere in a deep dark cave away from the rest of the world....

Fuck this is a hell of a long post. Yeah screw that.

D hasn't written back, he promised to do so. Not that I care. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

/P.

Jerk

He's started hitting on me again.
S is the type of person who doesn't take no as an answer. Sometimes that might be cool, but otherwise it's just really annoying. I mean how dense can one be? Is it so damn incredible that I'm not interested? Jesus Christ he needs a hell of an update about the meaning of "rejection" and "no".
L had to laugh when he went too far and I had to say the crucial words "Hands off me, don't touch me there, Jerk!" during school. It may sound like a "that's what she said :D", but, unfortunately, it really happened. So. I'm pissed.
So great he didn't come to school today.

/P.

Ahem...I guess this is a response?

Okay so my response didn't fit into the comments thingy, so same here.

I absolutely agree with point N°1. It's the macho in a man that rebels against a girl asking him out instead of it being the other way round. And he doesn't, he takes her for granted and hurts her.

Point N°2: Ahem. Well. I think I sense an allusion to a certain douche we both know.
Besides that, yes, of course it's important to consider that it's always better to have one the guy instead of five that aren't. We all want to be loved... *sentimental moment*
So anyway, I feel like being a sucky friend and a bitch so I'll forward this message to LR and tell her to not blame me for her lacking ability of attracting individuals of the opposite sex.

What I actually wanted to say in my previous post is i.a. that I was a bit irritated by LR. I am not to blame for her not having had a boyfriend until now.
Either she's jealous and makes really really upsetting remarks about AP to make herself feel better and thinks she's funny and doesn't understand when I tell her to shut up about that already - seriously what kind of friend is she? - or she's sad and I have to comfort her with "don't worry you just haven't found the right one yet"-phrases. So, what to do? Maybe she was just jealous. I dunno.

/P.

Awkward x3

The awkward moment when...

1) Your friend introduces you to this guy from Poland and both of you have absolutely no idea what to say, let alone if in English or in Polish.
C is from Poland and yay E thought why not let the two of us have a chat. In the end there was an awkward silence and then N saved me with a question about our French oral presentation.

2) Your best friend tells you that you seem much more popular with guys than her and that's why she doesn't feel confident.
No, seriously: Am I really popular with guys? I don't think so at all. More like I'm not. L, sweetie, you might have noticed that I'm short of a boyfriend? If I was popular, where the fuck is the queue?!
...Anyhow. She got dumped by LC but she knew that coz it's his birthday on the day of the ball and PB... well PB wasn't going to go anyway. And then she's like "I bet he's have said yes if it was you" and I was like "why the hell do you think that?" and she says it's because I'm popular with guys. And then on top of it (mind you I was feeling pretty bad by then) she tells me she has no confidence of finding a boyfriend at this rate because she just isn't like me. What the hell?! Argh, I almost strangled her. It's precisely because she isn't confident that she doesn't have a bf yet. And okay she should learn to change from childish to earnest and fun to talk to in seconds when a boy is around.

3) You realize your brother has been masturbating under the shower.
Yes. The day has come. Usually you'd think it's the mother who finds stuff like that out, but no, it has to be me. Eww.

/P.

French

great pick up line for douchebags: (say this with a thick french accent)
"Euh... excuuse mee, um, m-my inglish is not very goud, but I french quite well ;)"

French presentation tomorrow.
...
OMYGODICAN'TDOTHISI'MGONNADIEEE!!!

so yeah. go figure.

/P.

*pat pat pat* ♥

Another One Dead

Sooo two more people want to go away from our class. Sissies! :P
No seriously in the end, the only ones left will be like 15 people or so.

Today's theatre class was fun, I was supposed to die during a game and didn't because I was too lame to get it so I just continued walking around (much to PB's annoyance ^^)... but yeah then I got killed by J and kind of died really weirdly... with this totally theatrical sigh. L laughed her ass off which was weird because du-uh what kind of corpse laughs?! And yeah that's pretty much how my life looks like right now.

I like E :)
*pat pat pat*
You know what I mean <3
*more patting*

Haha I had so much fun today acting weird and random and childish (as if I don't act like that anyway)... Life can be really cool if I manage to forget all the shit stuff for a while :)

/P.

Yes I Can!

Dear D,

Hell yeah I can.

I'll fly away from you and never come back. I'm determined to.

Dress

I fell in love today.
I found her in C&A, huddled up between violet and blue satin.
My dress.

I bet I trolled you with the first sentence.

So anyway, I bought my dress for the winter ball and I'm fucking happy about it. It means that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I still need shoes though.
Ugh, buying shoes is the most tiresome thing ever. But it's fun anyway.

/P.

25% credit for improving my bad mood this evening go to E. I love that song :)
Though if I was in a really nasty mood I'd call you a bitch for reminding me... ;)

Smile

I did it.

I was smiling when I threw all his pictures, letters and whatever other souvenirs of his in a cardboard box and stashed it in the cellar.

I figured that if I smiled, it would be easier. It wasn't.

I'm going to go to bed now and cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll go shopping and distract myself. And in the coming days... I'll just continue being "myself". Same old me all along the way.

/P.

Diagnosis

I think I never told you about my one and only session with a psychiatrist. Really weird person, she dressed up like a lawyer and behaved like a kindergarten teacher. Totally un-stereotype. Maybe that's what made me feel at ease, ironically.
I was there because Mom had found out I'd been making deep scratches with needles in my skin. I didn't like cutting. Too fast and painless. With a needle, you really have to carve your way through the tissue to make a proper mark. Much more effective. Haha, yeah, it sounds creepy, but that was the Me then. At school of course it would be the cat that scratched me or the pavement I had fallen on or something like that.
So anyway, the shrink told me that my hyperactive, child-like behavior was an instinctive compensation for the stress and negative feelings inside me. I didn't believe her. Now that I think about it, it could actually be true. I've stopped harming my body. I've stopped telling myself in the mirror every morning that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I've stopped loathing everyone around me, be it friends or family. But the sadness remains. The emptiness. It's all still inside me. It's just hidden very well.
I don't know if it's alright for me to write this all here. I don't really care. I just felt like saying it.

I was looking through my old diary from back in 2nd grade (of gymnasium, obviously), and I found this:

Ouch. I think I got something in my eye.
Oh, it's the wind, it's drying my eyes out.
No, it's nothing, I guess I rubbed my eyes too hard.
Excuses, excuses, excuses. People just love to believe that everything's okay. They refuse to see the truth. The truth that I'm hurting. That it's not the wind that makes my eyes water. It's not some stupid pollen that makes me cry. It's simply sadness. Something hateful. Something they don't want to see. So they don't. They believe a lie, knowing full well it's not the truth. Stupid, naive beings.


Heh, so Emo-like, I know. But that's me. Yay.

/P.

Think twice before believing someone that they're fine. Look at them properly. See them. Maybe in truth, they're vanishing slowly, sinking in their problems.
It's okay to look. It's okay to realize. It's okay to ask. It's okay to help.

Nothing Much To Say

Since IB, I have no life. I've said this several times, I know. I just feel I need to say it again. Argh. and even though I'm in the IB-class, which is, like, the class, I feel stupid. Stupid, far from intelligent, childish.... sick. Makes me scream.
What would people think if I just started screaming in pain during class? Haha, the looks on their faces would be worth it, I guess. Oh the pleasure of getting attention..... for what? For the painful reality others don't want to see? My ass. I'll just continue smiling. For the sake of society. Heh.

No response from D. He wrote on Monday, I admit, but seriously, that just doesn't count as a proper response after 3 weeks. Nope.
Friday is D-Day. D's day. Doomsday. I like the ring to it. I don't like the meaning of it.
The countdown starts at midnight... from then on, I'll give D 24 hours to write. If he doesn't, BOOM! I'm dumping him. For real this time. No more saying "sorry but..." or "I love you so..." or "please write" or "I have my reasons". No more shit like that. Not for me, anyways. I can't take it anymore. It really hurts.

/P.

How To Get Rid Of A Roommate

I was trying to get my thoughts off D, and then I found this... I lolled ^^

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore" 

2. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the book is. 

3. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."  

4. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him something, go to another room and call him on the phone. 

5. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging sounds, until he gets it for you. 

6. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 

7. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing beans". Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can, and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 

8. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now." 

9. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning. 

10. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 

11. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns until he pays the tickets. 

12. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them. 

13. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings. 

14. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!" 

15. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 

16. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me and the bunny." 

Grenade 2.0

So yeah. He wrote back.
Reasons given for not writing:
- "he had his reasons"
- family problems

Seriously, who writes "I had my reasons" these days?! That's the line I usually hear in soaps when a guy tries to get out of an awkward situation. Grrr.

I want an answer in the next 3 days, because on Friday, it's the final deadline. If I don't know what the fuck is going on by then, I'm breaking up.
This'll mean:
- a lot of moping around
- a lot of crying
- a lot of regretting
- a lot of all that stuff you do when you break up with the love of your life who turned out to be a regular jerk like the rest of the male population (with rare exceptions, of course)

/P.

Workout

Decided to stop moping around about my hips and thighs. Started to plan daily workouts. That was half a year ago.
Now I found my workout plan again while cleaning my room (yes! cleaning! it's unbelievable isn't it??) and decided to start doing it for real. So yeah. Cheer me on.
I managed 20 minutes today, and I plan to let it be like that for the next 3-4 days until I raise the time to 30 minutes and then 45. Yay. I definitely will change.

Oh yeah and I promise I'll start eating properly again. I had to swear to Mom already coz she found out the only meals I'd been eating were bread during break and salad or yogurt in the evening. She almost killed me. Well anyway I'll start eating properly from now on. Pinky swear.

Immortals: Review

So, since I've got nothing better to do, I want to review the film "Immortals" I watched with LR yesterday.

Synopsis (really really shortened, the film went for, like, 2 1/2 hours or something):
This totally-hero-type-guy Theseus lives in a village that is attacked by this totally-bad-type-guy King Hyperion. Luckily, Theseus was trained by Zeus himself in martial skills (he doesn't know it's Zeus coz he's clever and disguises himself as an old man), so he kills, like, 10 soldiers before getting captured and enslaved. His Mom gets killed by Hyperion. Later in a desert he meets the oracle of Delphi, Phaedra, and escapes with her and some random thief guy who becomes him best friend. Phaedra tells Theseus he must bury his mother, he does it and finds the Epirus Bow, which by chance turns out to be this awesome, all powerful bow. That bow, also by chance (note the sarcasm), is something Hyperion badly wants so he can win the war. When Theseus finds the bow, he gets attacked by this crazy guy with a torro-mask-thingy who's, like, 2.5 m tall, and gets scratched with poisoned claws. Phaedra nurses his wounds, they have sex, all the mushy stuff. The three friends then go fight Hyperion, the bow gets stolen, and Hyperion releases the Titans (really really bad guys who were locked up for a looong time and are pretty angry about that). The gods come down and fight the Titans, all get killed except Zeus, while Theseus and Hyperion fight man-to-man. Theseus kills Hyperion and then dies himself and his soul (a shining golden light) flies up to heaven.
In the epilogue, Theseus and Phaedra's son looks at the memorial sculpture of his Dad, touches it and has a vision of the great war of the gods up in the sky. Zeus, again as an old man, tells him that soon it will be his turn to walk in the footsteps of his father. The end. Oh yeah in between all these there was only fighting, fighting, fighting, blood, slow-mo's of smashing heads and bodies being cut up... The usual stuff.

Actors/Characters:
- Henry Cavill / Theseus: totally the honor-justice-type, nice body, not so nice death
- Freida Pinto / Phaedra: pretty, but obvious role,loses virginity and can't see the future anymore (how dumb is that?!)
- Luke Evans / Zeus: *heart* awesome Daddy of the Gods *heart*
- John Hurt / Zeus in disguise: *like* from wand maker to crazy old man
- Kellan Lutz / Poseidon: looks like a gay goldfish (his head decoration was just really awkward), the poor baby gets chopped into little pieces
- Mickey Rourke / Hyperion: fucking sadistic guy who castrates his followers, literally steam-cooks three innocent women (who pretend to be the oracle Phaedra to save her)

Rating:
5 stars for the action/effects, 4 stars for the people's looks, 3 stars for the story, 2 stars for the death of practically everyone important, 1 star for all the weird things that didn't really happen in the legend (like boys being able to have visions; it's only possible for women to have them... at least something women were good at in those days)

Tadaa, a totally irrelevant review. Yes I'm really bored to do this kinda thing.

/P.

Moody

I think I just got dissed today...
Okay so just because I think Shakespeare is more interesting and witty than Mr Bean doesn't mean I'm trying to sound intelligent, okay? My mom raised me with Shakespeare and Andersen, so I like their stories/plays/whatever a lot. That's the reason.
Why am I justifying myself right now anyway?

Right. I sound like a bitch.

8 more days to go to D's final deadline... I've been swearing to myself that I'll dump him if he doesn't keep his word this time. But of course, as I know life, I won't do any such thing. I'll just go on pining like an abandoned puppy. I seriously don't have any self esteem when it comes to love. But!!! I still have a shred of pride left in me. So I'll definitely try and forget him. Jerk. Such a lovable jerk...

I'm in serious need of a fairy godmother right now if I want a proper dress for the winter ball. Fairy godmother, can you hear me? I need you right now, so it would be really cool if you'd... I dunno.... *poof* yourself over here and help...
Yeah whatever.

/P.

i feel like...

YEP. PRECISELY.

school

I seriously hate school.
Tomorrow, I have school the whole day. THE WHOLE DAY. Until 6 o'clock. Without breaks. Nope, not even lunch break. The. Whole. Fucking. Day. And I have a huuuge exam in the last two hours.
FML.

autumn leaves are falling

autumn leaves are falling

like red rain from the sky

colorful and beautiful

a dance of little raindrops

carried away in time

not sad, not happy either

just dancing with the wind

autumn leaves are falling

years of love go by

colorful and beautiful

they fade in blurry patterns

i stop recalling faces

not sad, not happy either

just dancing with the wind

Grenade

Did your world ever fall apart in a split second? Mine hasn't. Yet.

Two more weeks to go. D promised he'll have written by then. In two weeks time, a part of me will die. Because I know for sure he won't keep his promise. And if he will, then what he'll write will break my heart.

I live, knowing I'll die one day. I know the day will come eventually when my heart will stop beating and I'll draw my last breath. That day is years away. But the day I die... that day is near. Just because I'll still be breathing, it won't mean I'm alive.
I have no hopes for a positive future with D. Not anymore. It's actually ironic that the only person I've ever really loved could break me so quickly.

We haven't broken up. Not yet. But I feel it coming.

/P.

The Last Time

"Those people aren't happy. You only kiss like that when you know that kiss is your last."

This made me think.

On our last evening together, D and I kissed exactly the same way. It felt like the last time. It was the last time. At that moment I thought it was because I'd have to wait for a whole year to see him again. Now, when I think back, maybe it was because I knew we'd never manage to stay together. We still are what you could call a couple, but its just no the same. I miss him like hell. He doesn't even consider me to be worth enough to write to me, let alone call.

He's a good kisser. That's what I thought. But it didn't feel fulfilling. He was so tender, so soft... too tender. The less he gave, the more I wanted.

Me: Kiss me, damn it, like you mean it! Or I'll break apart!

D: If I kiss you like I mean it, you might just disappear...

Two different thoughts.

Why did it have to be like that?

/P.

Chameleon Circuit

The first band ever who motivated me to start watching a series. In this case, "Dr Who". Epic songs.
Favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjJWbtCShqo

A Letter

Dear D

I love you. I always will - you'll have a place in my heart forever.
Do you love me? Will you ever - you never told me properly.

When I fall in love with someone, it's either everything or nothing. Everything I stand for revolves around that special person. When I love, I give everything. Many people would say that's stupid and dangerous, but that's just who I am.
When you fall in love with someone, you don't show it. You're afraid of rejection and are careful to seem indifferent. When you're in love, you try to suppress you feelings as if they were bad. Many people would say that's stupid and senseless, but that's just who you are.

The person I love always has first priority. I want to be there for him, no matter what happens, no matter how far away he is. I miss him every single day and every second thought is dedicated to him.
The person you love (?) is the last thing you think of at the end of the day. Only when you go to bed do you remember that somewhere out there, there is someone who loves you with all their heart and mind. You think that writing something is too tiresome if it's done more than once every week, so you just bury yourself in school work and training and try not to think of the person you love (?).

I'm writing this letter to you because I know you. I know you because I love you. I'm guessing you don't read my mails, however rare they are, anyway, so I might just as well publish this letter here, for everyone to read. Everyone except you.

You're the reason I can't sleep at night. You make me cry every time I'm reminded of you. You never call. You never write. If you do, your words are short, distanced, worthless, meaningless... They don't say anything. They're empty. Just like you.

In truth, you're quite the hateful type of person. And yet I love you so much it hurts. Why?

One day, I'll manage to forget you. One day, you'll regret you didn't make an effort to keep me beside you. One day, I'll find the person that'll make me happy. Although my heart will never belong to them. It's forever trapped in your warm hands, your soft touch, your voice, your very existence. As long as you exist, I'll die slowly, bit by bit, eaten up from the inside. But I will find happiness nevertheless. Somehow. I'll keep trying as long as it takes.

Never write.
Never call.
Never care.
Always loved.
You.

/P.