Truth or Fail

The truth can be painful sometimes, even though you knew what it was. In my case, I'm not completely sure what I feel. I'm not angry at E, not even at S. S is what I would call unworthy of thinking about. So here I am, trying to forget everything. And I will.
Being aware that somebody you loved, even if it was just for a few brief moments, never was yours, is painful, I admit. I admit that for a few seconds, it hurt. But then I thought of how I was treated by that person, and I have to say: I wasn't his either. I tried to be, I hoped I was wrong to doubt him, but no. So I am at fault too. Of course. Stupid boy. Used someone else for his sexual desires when the one he approached rejected him. That person being me, I'm really not surprised he actually cheated on me. Now that I think of it, I really am blind.
I'm not angry, I promise. Just disappointed in myself. I think hating others for something that cannot be changed makes no sense.
Either I tell the truth and accept the consequences, or I lie and then am haunted by the truth until it comes to the surface. One cannot hide from the past, it's impossible. That's why I've decided to be truthful to everyone about everything from now on. No more lies.

xxx
     pxy

Stuff

Oh, what a day... I'm absolutely sure by now that I fucked up my Physics test completely. I need to do something about this because I gotta keep my grades up, otherwise goodbye IB diploma! Shit.

I've started writing fan fiction. I really enjoy doing this, because I can just let my fantasy roam free to the corners of my brain and back, spreading ideas and stories all over the place. I already published a project and... guess what? 26 "author alerts", 22 "favorite stories", and over 30 reviews, all really positive, in just five days! YAY! Wow I feel really motivated. Hah the only problem is that my little group of fans wants some smut put into my fics, which is a matter I'm not sure about. I mean I'm not really aiming for an internet-porno-writer-career. Nah. So I'll stick to my lovey-dovey sticky bittersweet stories. Maybe one day I'll change my mind. Mi-au.

Aaand I finished watching Smallville, 2nd season. AWESOME! Loved it, absolutely loved it. But stupid Chloe thinks she has the right to snoop around in Clark's business, just because he managed to get together with Lana... I mean it wasn't exactly a secret he was in love with her! Sorry, fan's rant. My bad.

Maths test tomorrow... What to do.... *bites nails anxiously*
Imma go eat noodles. Unlike E, I simply adore eating instant noodle soup. Something I started doing after I started reading Naruto. He likes Ramen too. I guess I'm easily influenced by books I read and films I watch. Weird, though.
My fan fics are mostly about Naruto. I guess I'm starting to get obsessed about gay love and stuff. I think that if my readers want to read something about gay love, then okay, I'll give them what they want. It's not like the topic is tabu anymore. And I enjoy writing love stories. For once they don't end with everybody dying. And I've had enough experience and friends to tell me about their oh so wonderful relationships and sexual experiences and son on, and so forth. It's enough to write at least 50 stories.
I wonder why people come to me when they need somebody to talk to about their problems. I mean it's not as if I can keep a secret (excellent example: S). Okay, I've never told a soul about anything anyone has told me confidentially, especially if it's about their problems. I don't like gossiping about other people's pain in their lives. So maybe one can confide in me after all. But still, why me, and not a best friend? Some people who call me or just take me aside and tell me their sorrow are people I see on a daily basis, talk to sometimes, but never anything more. Maybe that's why, because they aren't afraid of changing my opinion about them, because I don't know them well enough, because they don't know me. Maybe. I'd really like to know though.

E told me she had something important to tell me. I wonder if it's about what think it is. See ya!

xxx
     pxy

Public Opinion

Today, as so many times before, L proved to me that she actually is crazier than I thought. It's a weird feeling. I know I act weird and crazy almost 24/7, but it's not the same when you have a friend doing exactly the same. Not that I'm ashamed for her; I think it's cool. She doesn't mind what others think of her and doesn't give a shit if people talk behind her back (they don't, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter). I sometimes wish I could be like that. Although I've always regarded myself as the independent type, that attitude of mine has slowly crumbled to the ground over the past two years. During OS, I was rather the outsider and preferred to mind my own business, as the people in my class weren't really fun in the first place (there were bitch fights every single day and it just wouldn't stop so what the hell, I felt securer when I was away from them). In addition, I was a rather silent type of person (nobody believes me when I tell them now!), chubby, the typical girl who has absolutely no life and dedicates her time to reading and learning. That's how I came to gymnasium. Here I found friends who were maturer and less rude and not so look-at-me-look-at-me-I'm-so-awesomely-coolish. I opened up. And with my opening up, the first problems came along. Not only did people actually know me and recognize me, they also didn't ignore me. This meant that I'd have to look better to be "agreeable company". And that meant that I had to look out for other people's opinions, not to dance out of line, be a good girl and go with the flow. It's a tragic thing actually, public opinion. There goes my idealistic view of a free mind. Whoosh, it's gone. Weee, down the slide. Down, down, down.
Now I look in the streets what people wear, what colors they choose, what brand they wear... Everything is gaining importance in my eyes. I don't go to one shop to buy clothes any longer - I raid every single shop in town just to find a matching T-shirt to the shorts I'd bought earlier that day. It's kinda scary. Maybe that's what they call teenage shopping-mania. Yay, wonderful. Ugh.

I made a poem about my thoughts today, just something small that came into my mind during sports.

When I sit there between friends
While discussing this and that
Laughing at the newest trends
Whining about being fat
Then I sometimes wonder
Why I'm doing this
I feel I'm going under
In this world going amiss
What is fashion, what is good
What is my opinion?
If I could scream I think I would
If not the public's dominion


xxx
     pxy

ESC

Omg! Denmark got 12 points from the Netherlands, and the lead singer was like "fuck! I wanna fuck you!" to the camera XD gotta love him ^^
Hah stupid gay guy from France didn't even bother to speak English. Stupid French Frog :P
Meh... I wanted Denmark to win, or at least Britain, but no, Azerbaijan won. S'okay, but still, I'm kinda disappointed.

xxx
      pxy

o..m..g..

How to be absolutely sure a person is a ultimate douche bag:
- he tells you he loves you exactly once
- he ignores you for 2 weeks
- he flirts around with other girls and checks if you were looking
- he pretends to be absolutely awesome
- he has many haters and nearly no friends
- he breaks up with you on Facebook

Yep, I'm single again. Not that it was a proper relationship in the first place. I was thinking of telling him in the face that he's a jerk and that I hate him on Monday, but he was quicker. Damn.
Not even the gayest, douchiest, biggest moron I know has ever broken up with anybody via Facebook. Well, they say there's always a first time for everything.
Aahh.... Single again... feels good. Now I don't have to worry about D anymore; I'm all his. 4 more weeks until the holidays... I can't wait!
On the other side, G is going away for a year and K is going back to Alaska.... I'll miss both of them, they're great guys.

xxx
     pxy

Random As Always

I know I promised myself to stop, but I really must say this: S has finally overdone it. He's hit the point where I don't accept any excuses or apologies anymore, no matter how desperate. I am not a desperate person, S. I can live without a boyfriend, especially when he has no balls and is as annoying and arrogant and sadistic as you. I can live without you. I've started to hate you lately. Is that what you wanted? Well, that's what you get anyways. One day I'm going to pay him back. Haha I can't really hold a grudge against anyone, no matter who they are or how bad they've hurt/angered me, but I can always make an exception.

I watched the ESC the other day, and I really liked the guy who sang for Sweden, he's cute, no worries about that, but his voice… uh-uh.

Hah the old geezer at the beginning made me doubt if I was really watching the ESC after all!

Israel's and Slovenia's women had awesome and powerful voices though.

Belgium was gay.

Moldavia scared the shit out of me with their hats.

The guys from Cyprus were kinda awkward with their ball-swinging woman who was totally out of place.

Estonia's gals were weird, their costumes were too.... sweet. Sticky sweet, the kitschy sweet type. Bah.

Belarus' singer didn't have the right voice to hit the high notes properly except during refrains, so her performance was only medium. Pity. She should try singing slow ballads, they would suit her voice much better, unlike that weird song.

During Latvia's performance, I could only see Danish flags waving in the background... and that attempt to rap... wtf?!

Now, the Danish band was... awesome. Seriously. Despite their brutish punk looks they sounded really cool and calm, with a slight pinch of excitement in the beat. Cool. Although the lead singer's sprint to the separate stage was kinda unnecessary. ^^

The twins from Ireland, Jedward: weird, funny. But the song was too twitchy.  I liked the costumes though... although I'm still not completely sure if those were dice on their sleeves oO They're really cute in their hyperactive state, maybe their energy makes their hair stand up that way... xD

Can't wait for the final... Feel your heart beat ;)

Ah damn I totally came off the subject I actually wanted to talk about... Never mind, another time.

xxx

      pxy

Spring Emotions Mix

Darek wrote me a Mail. Two actually. He took quite long to lift his ass and write to me, but his Mail was quite satisfactory, so he's forgiven. The first one stated that yes, he likes me a lot, yes, a relationship would be cool but due to the distance between us he'd rather not, yes, he misses me and no, he wouldn't make a good boyfriend. So much to soul mate #1. Haha I'm feeling so high right now... It's a nice feeling to know somebody somewhere loves you for who you are, with all your flaws and faults. Darek is actually the only guy apart from my brother and Dad who's seen me sick, in my morning condition (no make-up, unkempt hair, the whole thing), or in a shirt without a bra or pants (okay technically that doesn't count because my bfs saw me like that too but since he isn't my bf it kinda counts anyway). Also he's the only guy I've ever allowed to sleep on my butt as a pillow. Omg I've only just realized how that must have looked. No wonder father was so cold when it came to us. Heh. It's funny, in a way. (hahaha "bad girl modus" in action. lolz - not really)
The second Mail contained a song called "Dotknąć cię" which means "Touch You" in Polish. I'd given him a long lecture about a girl's interpretation of different signs or choices of different things, e.g. songs. Yay. Cute. It's a Reggae song and I really like it because we used to dance to it often. Okay well dancing isn't the right word for that.

I want to touch you
I count every moment, every day
I want to touch you so bad
You are so far away, but I know we'll finally meet someday...


Yeah, I miss you too, D!


xxx
      pxy

I Want...

I want an Ashton Martin Vanquish. The idea just popped into my head today. Maybe it was the overdose of coffee. Or my fever.
Yesterday's grill party was fun, better than I had expected. That would mean me really having fun, not minding anything that would have bothered me in other situations. I didn't mind my new white shirt being smeared with soot, or my clothes being soaking wet because I didn't take them off in time when Theo started splashing us with water, or S ignoring me although we had made up the other day, or my beginning of a cold. I just had fun. And I'm happy. I hope I can go to school tomorrow, I've been sneezing my life out all day. :/ A thought it was funny and absolutely had to record one of my sneezing fits. I deleted it when he wasn't looking. :P

Physics will be hell. Oh dear, I still haven't finished my homework, I don't understand a thing. Whatever.

I've decided to write a book. I've been working on one for years, but school and laziness have distracted me so now I want to seriously get to work. It would be cool if the project actually worked. Also, there's another project sprouting in the back of my brain. Something like a short manga. I don't know about that one yet, though, as my drawing skills still need some improvement .^^

Luigi (Luiiigiiiii :D), a brilliant mind still due to be recognized as one, pointed out to me yesterday that C, a quite weird but genius mind from my class, might actually like me. Like, the like-like. Not friend-like. My reaction: "OMG! Ewww, for real?! *laughs her head off*" I seriously lost it. No, never ever! I mean really... Ew. No. Way. End of subject.

I've just noticed the absolute randomness of this entry. I don't care. I like being random.
Life just seems to be okay right now. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible. :)

xxx
      pxy

Nuisance

All right, all right. I give in. This blog hasn't been anything more than a rant about S. So I've decided to make a fresh start. No more ranting. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will have a swell time at the grill party. I will ignore S and not mind his shameless flirting around with P and others while looking at me if I saw. I will not let this affect me anymore. S, you're dead. Sorry for you. There, I don't care anymore. Okay I do, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But I'll try hard. No more heart pain for me, thanks.
S, puhleez! Just because you told me once that you loved me and thought that's all you need to do to have me doesn't mean that I'm going to put up with this shit. No way. So get out of my life. Get out of my heart. Now.

So, anyways, 49 days to go until A's back from Africa! :D I'm so looking forward to seeing her again!!! I wonder how she looks like now. After all, it's been half a year... I wonder if she's got herself a permanent sunburn ^^ Of course we stay in contact by mail now, but still... a person can change so much after half a year, not only in matters of appearance but also character. Though from what I read in her mails she's still the old A. Still sarcastic, though with a touch of African slang in her English now (what the hell is "anhomlobho"?!). Of course I must scold our Geography teacher for doing a crosswords puzzle without A around, which equals to a sin in A's eyes. Of course. I wonder if she cut her hair short again... She looked really pretty with a short haircut.

Righto, see you around! :)

px

Poetry

Just some poems I found. I wrote most of them during my depression during OS, some of them are new.

Just For A Second

When I see you standing there

My thoughts just seem to disappear

Though I know our love is going nowhere

I keep watching over you

You try to hide your feelings from me

Not realizing that I know

It's not really hard to see

In your heart you're not my at all

Love me, for a little while

Hold me, and then let me go

But for a second, make me smile

For a second, please be mine...

Seeking Happiness

If my soul was a bird I'd fly

Up into the clouds, towards the sky

Plunge myself into the deep blue sea

And let the flood waves dance with me

I'd spend some time just being happy

Because being with you just makes me sad

Brother Soul

Silver Linings on the floor

Doll of glass in golden chains

Diamond heart is beating fast

Spell bound lock is on the door

Outside it constantly rains

Lives that cannot last

Dearest child...

Mme Butterfly

Pale girl shy

Dark eyes cry

Wants to die

Red Butterfly

Dead Butterfly

Love

flowers

flowers all around me

blue red yellow orange white

a touch

a kiss

three words

and the flowers are in full bloom

love is like spring

To be continued... (if anyone wants me to)

See ya :*

                pxy

PS: How d'ya like my newly designed page? ;)

Lovelorn

I just found the perfect song for all those who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend and regret it:

For all of the times that I tried for your smile
For making you think that I was worth the while
But then love love love made us blind

An apology now after all of this time
Won't make any difference tonight
But im hoping "I'm sorry" will open your mind
To love love love love in your life

For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right (tonight)
So sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry I was falling in love with you (I was falling in love)
Im sorry that it came true but sorry doesn't turn back time


                                                - Skot Suyama , "Sorry That I Loved You"


It's just a small part of the song. But I really liked it. Makes me feel depressed of course but that's probably the point of the song. I had to think of E when I heard it for the first time.


I've been (obviously) really down lately because of an ignorant person in my life who doesn't know the word "forgive". Thank God T invited me to a grill-party yesterday to cheer me up, same as L. L#2 (yep there's another L I know) told me she'd read about Greg and said she was really sorry about it... so sweet of her! 
I just hope there'll be a positive turn in my life some time soon... it's been to mean to me lately. Life, I mean. A breakup would make me feel awkward but I think I should do it because what's the point of having a boyfriend you first haven't seen for 2 weeks and then he gets mad at you after you've been missing him and you haven't even had the chance to properly say hi to him ever since, not talking about spending some time together. Jerk. I hate him. 
I like him too much. Why?

Hmmm

Okaaay... That didn't work out the way I had hoped. Wow I didn't even know how many people already know, no wonder S was so pissed the other day! :/ He still is, but you can see he's starting to just pretend he's that pissed at me ^^ Oh well, T told me - as always - that I'm an idiot for tolerating him and even speaking to him since he's not even worth breathing the same air as I do (that was really flattering...). L told me I was lucky to have a guy interested in me. My ass: he's not interested, he's been fucking ignorant! So I'll stick to T's theory. I'm too warm-hearted to not give in;of course that makes me a very vulnerable person. But who said vulnerable persons can't be strong? I'll be strong. One day I might actually be able to get out of my own way and punch him for everything he's done... ;) Until then, I guess I'll just have to stay put and be patient. At least that's one thing I'm good at.
But please, S, hurry the fuck up and stop pouting, or I'll actually lose my fucking patience!
Now I'm mad.

:*
pxy

Vulnerable, Gullible Thing

The title says it all. I feel down. Tomorrow I shall talk to him and clear this mess once and for all, and if he stays stubbornly ignorant the he shall die for me. That's my way of protecting myself. If I have the problem of falling in love too easily, then let me also forget easily. It's not true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger; it takes a piece of you away, one by one, until there's nothing left. Then I'll die.

Happy Yesterday, Lonely Today, Dead Tomorrow

Succeeded in being optimistic today, actually started laughing because of L. She totally knows how to cheer me up, even if she didn't know she was.
S is mad at me because I "told" E about us, but well, who would have expected someone I know reads my blog? ;)
I hate it when he's mad at me. I mean it was so obvious he's been hitting on me for ages, and even Alex asked me if there was something going on between us. And he was never told a word. I don't understand what's the big deal. Everyone will know soon enough, without me doing anything. Gossip will spread, people will see us e.g. holding hands somewhere in town, I don't know, anything. So why not admit it? Frustrating.
He can be so cold, jeez.
Tried to reach Gregory's mom, she wouldn't pick up the phone, but I'm not going to give up that easily. I want to know where he's gonna be buried. She should stop ignoring me just because I stood up for Gregory and told her she was stupid to be angry at him for being gay. I was so mad at her then. But she should understand.

I've decided to give love a chance. If he really thinks he loves me, I'l love him back. :) If he's just playing, then too bad, why should I cry for something that wasn't worth it.

:* pxy

Him

He called, briefly, said a few words, hung up. Left. Gregory. He's done it. I had hoped he wouldn't. But he did. He's gone. I hope he finds peace. I really loved him. My Gregory.

Morning Glory

Half past one in the morning... Bored, can't sleep... Tired... Good Night :*
pxy

PS: thx E :)