Soul Mate

Gregory just gave a sign of life after over three months of silence. He wrote me an E-Mail and then called me, explaining. It seems that he's been in a clinic for two months now. Because he tried to kill himself.

Gregory is what you could call my first true love. We went out for like two and a half weeks and then had a long distance relationship because I chose not to go to boarding school after all (we met at the school while I was there for three mock weeks). After some time we broke up and stayed good friends. One day he called me and told me he was gay. That was about three years ago now. He found himself a boyfriend, Dima, which was quite risky; the boarding school is strictly catholic. They were happy, and I used to feel a tinge of envy when I saw them together at first, preferring to talk to Gregory alone because otherwise he was too distracted. I never liked Dima too much. You could say we tolerated each other for Gregory's sake. I never actually talked to him properly, except once, when it was his Birthday and I asked him how things were; we talked for like an hour and it wasn't so bad; we parted friendlily, but it was just shallow friendliness. I stayed in contact with Gregory till now, meeting up with him from time to time during the holidays, otherwise calling or smsing. Then suddenly he went silent. Now, 48 minutes ago, he called me telling me he was in a clinic and that's the reason he never wrote. He sounded so steady when he said: "It's because I cut my wrist, you know. They wouldn't understand, P, they made stay put here." I'm still quite shaken. He is something like my soul mate. He would cry for me when I was sad and if he fell down the stairs, I'd feel sick. What makes me feel sick now is that I didn't sense it when he didn't feel well. I didn't realize he was so badly off, he lied so well. He would smile and say he was tired or had had a bad test or something random and I'd believe him. Now he tells me he wanted to commit suicide.

I just called his Mom. She blames herself because she hadn't been able to keep him from harm. She said that if she had taken him seriously for once he would have been okay. She had always hoped he would open his eyes one day and be straight again and find himself a girlfriend, "someone decent".She could never understand that being homosexual is what Gregory is, and that won't ever change. No grandchildren for her.

So here I am spilling my thoughts onto my keyboard, typing all this. I think I have to sleep, but I'm not sure I've gathered myself enough to sleep now. What I need in such moments is T. T always finds a way to cheer me up. Why can't the world be a happier place than it is now?

If Gregory ever succeeds in killing himself, he'll definitely go to heaven. Even if suicide is an unforgivable sin.