Pandas all the way

I don't know whether he's just crazy as fuck over me and a tad psychotic or whether he's just a really really sweet guy who's trying too hard.
I mean, who in his right mind would come see me for the only 30minutes of his free time during the day, on top of it by train? I don't know what to think. My brother thinks it's sweet of him to do so... he's all for love at first sight - I didn't know my brother could be such a romantic. It's kinda cute.
But on the other hand, we've only known each other for a bit more than a week. It might be too fast a progress if you ask me. Though it doesn't seem like it's been such a short time.
Should I believe for once that someone actually holds me dear? After certain assholes who claimed the same thing but turned out to be filthy liars, I'm reluctant to accept it. My self-esteem is so low that I can't believe it, no matter whether it's true or not. The trouble is, I want to believe it. But how do I know when I'm right to do so and when it's a mistake?

/P.

Minna-Cat

You wouldn't believe what a relief it is when you can just let yourself fall, knowing that there's someone there to catch you and hold you tight.

I know I'm using him to feel better about myself, for the physical and emotional warmth...
But aren't all relationships like that? We go for it because of our own desires and needs, not for the sake of the other party. No matter how we love another person, in the end, there's an egoistical reason behind it all.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself, I don't know. But I think I might just be right after all.

/P.

Apple

Seems that physical contact is important after all.
Am I too shy or too proud? Wish I knew. Either way, I can't say what I want at times, whether it's to save myself or my face. Isn't that kind of the same thing, anyway?
Desire is a tricky thing. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with other emotions as such, and still it's just as powerful. How so? I wonder.

I don't regret telling F that I really don't want a relationship (with him). It's only fair for him to know. But I kinda feel guilty for having to say it so harshly :/
Oh well, I just hope I won't feel sorry so much that I might do something regrettable tomorrow... I've already been warned not to.

/P.

British Devil

I've decided to break it off with potatohead-guy (as YD likes to call the acquaintance) as soon as possible. It's becoming pretty creepy.

On a more earnest note:
I need a hug. A true bear hug. I feel like I'm breaking apart from the inside lately - slowly, slowly. Like cracked ice. And I need something - or someone - to keep me together in one piece. Or I might just disappear.

/P.

sensitive neck (mine turtle)

Right, so the acquaintance is very serious about stuff I wish he wasn't serious about. I don't wanna marry in the future, I don't wanna have kids because I'd fuck up their lives for sure. I want to have fun while I can, I don't want commitment to a degree where someone tells me they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. It freaks me out. I'm terrified of such a responsibility and possibility. Most probably because I don't wanna screw up again. But on the other hand I want to find someone who can put up with me and who can accept me as I am. I want to be loved and to be treasured. Just like any other girl, really.
I don't know whether I should go on encouraging the acquaintance because he's in for a nasty surprise with me. I'm not ready for a relationship like the one he wants. For God's sake, I'm only seventeen and I've known him for more or les three days know. No, just no.

I found out something about Utah and I don't know what to do with the info. I don't know whether I should talk to him about it, either, since I don't want to be nosy or anything.

I am so full of doubts about everything recently. I wish life was more clear.

/P.

almost, almost

I wonder what's more 'acceptable' in society: a bisexual woman or a bisexual man?
Probably a woman, since we women are allowed to be all cuddly with both genders in the open without being stared at, while guys have to stay all manly and serious and shit.

For heaven's sake, has Utah ever even heard of the 3-second-rule? Anything longer than that is just awkward. And: if you decide to go that way, go all the way. Don't bail out on something you started.

Aaand the new acquaintance looked weird when I saw him again. Like, nothing special. He looked better the first time. Oh well, must have been the alcohol. And the dim lights at the party. Still gonna go out with him this week though, just to see how it works. I haven't texted this much in quite some time now.

/P.

right question, wrong time

I should defend myself once in a while and stop letting him do what he wants. I think I just don't feel like because it's funny how pushy he can be if you let him. We'll see, we'll see.

I met up with my half-sister today, it was fun. I wish we had more occasions to just hang out and talk. It's a nice feeling.

/P.