An Ode To Friendship

Because of the incident with Gregory I've been thinking of my relationship with my friends. Do I spend enough time with them or do I neglect some friendships? My friends in Poland for example: Although I promised I would I don't write too many Mails to them, so now I wrote to each and every one of them. I miss them, even though Switzerland is more of a home to me than Poland, I really really miss everything and everyone there. Except the roads. Ghastly. Most of all, sometimes more than father and K, I miss Sophia and D, meaning Darek.

Sophia is one of my oldest, very best friends who knows everything about me and always knows what I'm thinking before I even got the idea of thinking it. My cool Soul Sistah; on her birthday last year I called the radio so they played Hey Soul Sister by Train, her favorite song back then, five times in a row. :) She was so embarassed when they said her name in the radio, her face looked like a tomato ^^
Alas, Sophia is a very naive person; she always lets people use her, especially boys. I've never met a person who broke up with her boyfriend more times than her in two weeks, and it was the same one. I've never met a girl before who's had so many boyfriends, either. And every time she's broken up or found a new guy she calls me or mails me and tells me what a jerk or how sweet and nice he is. I've gotten used to it, but it makes me worry about her future. A lively girl like her should be happy and settled with one guy and not with five in a month. But who am I to criticize her; I can't even say no to the biggest slut in class. Oh dear, what a nuisance to be gullible. And kind. I should start hating everybody, it would be easier.

Darek on the other hand is a very special person. Like Sophia, I've known him for more than seven years now, which is quite a bit. Kind of my soul mate number two. I think he's more number one because I've known him him longer that Gregory and he knows so much about me that either he is my lost twin brother or he has telepathic abilities, because sometimes he tells me things about myself that not even my diary knows (knew, I don't write one anymore). K always says that if you hit one of us, the other will feel pain, and if one of us laughs, the other feels happy, too, no matter how big the distance is between us. That's cute and kinda cool.
One important thing about my relationship with Darek is that I love him. It's not love like in going out or marrying, I love him as a very important, very dear friend. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Many people mistake us for a couple when they see us, though. It's because we sometimes hold hands and swing them around like little children or I kiss him on the cheek or he kisses me on the forehead or something like that; small, tender things done between brother and sister. With Darek I would travel to the end of th world and back, jump down the Niagara Falls and climb Mount Everest, I couldn't care less how dangerous it is. I guess that's what you call blind trust in a person. I love it that i can be myself around him, I can be childish or silly or hysterical or crazy or whiny or bad-tempered and he will still stay by my side and talk to me and be childish or hysterical or crazy or something with me. That's what I love about him. He's such a dear.

Friends should be cherished, they are all we've got. Parents can be a nuisance, Lovers, come and go, but friends always stay-as long as they are true friends.There is a proverb saying: "The only unsinkable ship is friendship."
I hope I have a lot of friends, some good ones, some shallow ones, but no enemies. I hope I can call my class my friends, not because I know them well or share their secrets, but because I like them all, despite everything. E, for example; I don't want her to hate me for going out with a guy she hates in turn. I usually follow the advice of friends regarding relationships, because they see more than me, who am blind, but this time I want to take the risk. I regard E as my friend. I hope it's mutual. :)

Thus ends my ode to friendship, which is actually an ode to two particular friends.

xxx :*
pxy

PS: I installed this reactions-thing you can mark, just so I can get a feedback on my work ;)

Soul Mate

Gregory just gave a sign of life after over three months of silence. He wrote me an E-Mail and then called me, explaining. It seems that he's been in a clinic for two months now. Because he tried to kill himself.

Gregory is what you could call my first true love. We went out for like two and a half weeks and then had a long distance relationship because I chose not to go to boarding school after all (we met at the school while I was there for three mock weeks). After some time we broke up and stayed good friends. One day he called me and told me he was gay. That was about three years ago now. He found himself a boyfriend, Dima, which was quite risky; the boarding school is strictly catholic. They were happy, and I used to feel a tinge of envy when I saw them together at first, preferring to talk to Gregory alone because otherwise he was too distracted. I never liked Dima too much. You could say we tolerated each other for Gregory's sake. I never actually talked to him properly, except once, when it was his Birthday and I asked him how things were; we talked for like an hour and it wasn't so bad; we parted friendlily, but it was just shallow friendliness. I stayed in contact with Gregory till now, meeting up with him from time to time during the holidays, otherwise calling or smsing. Then suddenly he went silent. Now, 48 minutes ago, he called me telling me he was in a clinic and that's the reason he never wrote. He sounded so steady when he said: "It's because I cut my wrist, you know. They wouldn't understand, P, they made stay put here." I'm still quite shaken. He is something like my soul mate. He would cry for me when I was sad and if he fell down the stairs, I'd feel sick. What makes me feel sick now is that I didn't sense it when he didn't feel well. I didn't realize he was so badly off, he lied so well. He would smile and say he was tired or had had a bad test or something random and I'd believe him. Now he tells me he wanted to commit suicide.

I just called his Mom. She blames herself because she hadn't been able to keep him from harm. She said that if she had taken him seriously for once he would have been okay. She had always hoped he would open his eyes one day and be straight again and find himself a girlfriend, "someone decent".She could never understand that being homosexual is what Gregory is, and that won't ever change. No grandchildren for her.

So here I am spilling my thoughts onto my keyboard, typing all this. I think I have to sleep, but I'm not sure I've gathered myself enough to sleep now. What I need in such moments is T. T always finds a way to cheer me up. Why can't the world be a happier place than it is now?

If Gregory ever succeeds in killing himself, he'll definitely go to heaven. Even if suicide is an unforgivable sin.

Roma Amor

Haaah... I'm back from Rome. It was... awesome? great? wonderful? hot? impressing? everything, I guess. Rome, in la bella Italia, the city of tasty pizzas, busses with absolutely no amortization whatsoever, filthy metros, magnificentz monuments, an ancient air around it and hot tour guides. Yes I'm allowed to say that. I can't believe you can be like seventeen-eighteen and work for some tourict agency, but it's true and I'm happy about that. The other four bitches were hitting on him so badly I wanted to kill them but oh well father would have banished me from the hotties surroundings, so I didn't. So I restricted myself to gaping at him shamelessly (which earned me fathers eyes shooting daggers in my back) and eyeing the bitches like pieces of very old, very smelly trash, (which earned me a thankful smile from the hottie).
I made lots and lots of photos of everything I could make a photo of (except Mr Hotness, sadly, for certain reasons - hint: father, murder, apocalipse, etc) :)
I think I put on weight from all the pizzas I ate, they're so good you could live on them!
Jeez, time's up, gotta go ;)
xxx
pxy

Because I'm A Girl

Vacations have started, and I don't really know where to start... Everything is happening so fast. I'm not really sure what's going on, but it seems like there actually is a person that loves me (he says). The problem is: I don't know if the feeling is mutual. I want him, for sure, but I'm not sure about the loving part. And now that I have him and he's mine, he doesn't seem so wantable anymore. That's my problem; I like something as long as it's not mine, but when I have it I lose interest with time. If he doesn't let me know he's alive and remembers that I exist by tomorrow I really might lose interest already. The fate of every boy who wants me or wants me to want him is always the same: Never tire to get my attention, do something special, do something new just for me, show me that you like me, show me your feelings, or I'll forget you and the fact that you actually exist. My bad, sorry. I'm seriously gonna lose every guy in my life by acting this way. But I'm a girl, after all. I don't want to be taken for granted, I have my thoughts and feelings, and these thoughts and feelings might be directed at a boy for some time, but as soon as he takes them for granted and starts doing things that hurt me just to prove to himself that I won't leave him despite everything, then I get angry. And then it's the end. My bad, not sorry.
What to do? After writing so much nefgative stuff, I like him after all. I like him, I confess, even if he can be a jerk. Even if it's obvious at times that he's more after my body then after myself as just me. You all deserve a million bucks if you are stupid enough not to know who I'm talking about yet. ;) And hush, hush, not a word to anyone, it's a secret ^^ Let me get used to it, let me see how it'll work out, then I'll make all this public. But not just yet. Not now.

Love y'all :*
                           pxy

PS: I might not update for some time, I'm off to Rome :)

Paranoia And My Conscience Going Mad

Just now life sucked real bad. A certain somebody sat next to me during lessons today, constantly sending vibes telling me clearly something I didn't wanna know. Later I went shopping for tomorrow (excursion with class) with L and that person (I'm sure you all know whom I mean) and... S started... doing things. Things I don't want him doing. Like walking/standing reeeally close to me, caressing my cheek and other wow-that-makes-me-feel-no-wait-I-don't-want-him-stop-please-thoughts-causing things. I seriously didn't know what to do, I tried walking fast and a lot, turning around randomly walking in the opposite direction... nothing helped. Agh! Later I was walking down towards the market place with that certain somebody when he put his arm around me and yeah well he tried to kiss me. I panicked. I. Seriously. Freaked. Out. I don't think I've ever rejected a person so obviously before. And what happens? He pretends to be hurt but otherwise acts as if nothing had happened. Like, what the hell? I thought his ego was too big to endure such a failure (haha yeah think highly of myself ;D)... Okay does that mean he's serious or just that he likes a challenge?? Whatever. He may just as well give up now. No way am I gonna do anything with him. I mean really! Asking me if he could come to my place today! Hah! Sorry mate, you're so not my league... go find something rather lower than mine, something nearer to your place. In the cellar. There. I got all my frustration and anger out, so that's it. I hate him so badly.
Aaaah and it makes my conscience go mad because I have to think of D and him thinking I still love him but I only see him as a really really good friend that could be more than just a friend if he were at least somewhere near me but oh my god what have I done this is so bad life sucks!
...........
Anyway so I watched Prince of Persia (omg what a random subject). It's a cool film, but kinda too fast to get over the message completely. I especially liked the words at the end of the film:

"It is said some lives

Are linked across time

Connected by an ancient calling

That echoes through the ages..."

So beautiful :) Really poetic :)


:* pxy

Just Wondering

The most asked question of girls who saw this picture:

Why don't all of them look like this??? Seriously, why aren't there any more of hotties like this one here around? And if they are, why aren't the available?!
Okay. So anyway, check out his films (Spam!! :O) he's worth it ;) <3
:* pxy

Realization

Okay that sucked :P

:* pxy