This weekend was a bit of a mess. I got angry at GC yesterday morning (and yes, this time I really had a good reason) and didn't know how to stop being angry at him. Eventually we both fell asleep til 5pm, and made up. So then we walked the dogs and bought pizza and had kinda-sorta-makeup-sex and went to sleep again. This morning GC had an existential crisis and took it out on everything, hurt his hand in the process (I'm still surprised he didn't break it) and finally told me what was going on in his head. It's so hard to know what he's thinking, so I really appreciate the moments when he's ready to talk about his feelings and his worries and... about anything in general, really. So yeah to cool down we went to the expo in Disentis and then he came to my room and we had really awesome sex and he went home. So yeah, a bit of a mess. But I'm happy we got our stuff sorted out, at least partially :)

last night an earthquake took him away from me

I keep dreaming that he's dead. It's been the fourth night in a row and I just don't know what to think about it... It's always the same: We're in separate places, we call each other, he dies on the other end of the phone or the line goes dead and I know he's gone. And I can never say anything, I can only whisper, and he can't hear me properly. And then when he's dead I can speak again but it's too late... And then this feeling of absolute, complete desperation just blows me off my feet. I feel like I'm empty and I feel loss and sadness and loneliness and I'm just so full of these feelings that when I finally wake up, they just won't leave, and I sit in bed crying, still emotional but so relieved at the same time because it was just a dream. I've never dared to call him after waking up. I keep thinking that if I call, it'll come true. It scares me. It scares me so much.

at this point i think i deserve some flowers and an apology ok

We all oversleep. I myself oversleep on a regular basis.
So why did get so angry?
I'm petty, I know.
It's just that I feel like he doesn't care enough. I know he does, but I feel he doesn't. Does that make sense?

K called

We spoke for almost an hour. It felt like we'd never been apart... It was so easy to talk to her. She kept asking that I come over for Christmas. I don't know about that yet. I don't think I'm ready to face my father. I very much want to see K, though. But, as I said, she and him come together in one package, so it's both or nothing. Also, I haven't spent Christmas with my mother in over a decade. so it would be nice to stay home. Maybe I could just visit them for a day of two. Catch up. Especially with K. Gosh I miss her so much... She really is my dear sister. She even remembered our inside joke about Atlantis...

added family

I miss K.

She's been like a big sister to me, even a surrogate mother of sorts. But being with her automatically means being with my father. I had to sacrifice my relationship with her if I wanted to free myself from him. I wish I wasn't such a coward.

I really miss her...

i cannot begin to tell you how worried and angry i am

How do you convince a young, disoriented boy with a fundamentally twisted view of things that what he is doing is wrong?
How do you explain to him basic rules and facts, when he doesn't want to understand, but rather to stay ignorant because it's easier?
How do you tell a sixteen-year-old child that if he continues to do what he's doing, he will fall, and his fall will hurt, and it will be permanent?

My brother is, indeed, a child. He wishes it were different. In fact, he is convinced that he's all grown up already, but that just isn't the case. There is so much to learn and understand before he can call himself an adult. Things like wisdom, and responsibility.

He's intelligent, I'll grant you that. He knows things, he sees things, he understands things. But what good is intelligence when he doesn't make use of it? He stashes it away, he kills it off and lets it go to waste. I've heard what goes through his head sometimes. There is an old heart in that body, and it's good, serious heart. Why does he choose to stifle it?

He doesn't have a shred of responsibility. He swears and promises and never goes through with what he says. He doesn't work. He doesn't even try to keep up with schedules or any rules, as a mater of fact. But even though he screws up continuously he still keeps lying to himself and others by swearing and promising again, and again, and again. Make no mistake, my mother is also a fool for trusting him every time and then being continuously disappointed.

The problem is that he has very twisted priorities. While he's still a minor and has an obligatory amount of education to go through, he's still somewhat out of harm's way. But what will happen when he'll have to stand on his own two feet and fend for himself? How will he learn how to lead an adult life? And when? My mother can't just care for him until she dies of exhaustion.
This boy isn't even capable of cooking a meal other than ready-made food. If things were to go his way, he'd live on yoghurt and ravioli. He'd get sick, he'd drown in garbage because he can't even bring himself to throw things away properly, they just lie around until someone throws them away for him because it's unbearable to watch. He can't operate a washing machine, he doesn't know how to handle money wisely. He's already in debt for a few hundred with his friends. "Friends". He's sixteen and already a few hundred in debt. Just let that sink in. How is that even done?
He does nothing at school. And I mean literally nothing. He doesn't listen, he doesn't do his homework, he doesn't care when he's told off, he doesn't react to scolding. He just doesn't care. He doesn't give a single flying fuck. My mother is spending thousands of francs on private schools because public schools won't have him any more, but he just doesn't give a damn. What is it to him that his mother, our mother, is working her ass off to ensure that he gets a proper education? What is it to him that she is so exhausted that she's aged drastically in the past two years? It's killing her. He's killing her. And he just doesn't care.

How do you get a teenager to care? How do you get him to understand? How do you get him to understand that all actions have consequences, and that his actions are very, very harmful, both to him and his surroundings? How? How?

talk to me

Tell me things.
I know you don't know what to say. I know you're not talkative or anything.
But I feel like I'm annoying you with all my endless monologues, I'm always the only one who's talking, always the one saying things, stupid things mostly, I'm just trying to fill the silence. I like silence, don't get me wrong, but with you I keep getting scared that the silence will be a bad one. I don't want to feel like there's nothing more to say.
After over a year of knowing you, I know so little...! I want to know everything. I want you to tell me everything. Anything. Just please, for the love of God, talk to me.

sunshine (bring colour to my skies)

He's not here this weekend.

Mom's away with my brother in France, and I'm at home trying to focus on my final essay.

The apartment feels empty. It's too quiet. I keep turning on the lights in all the rooms, just so it feels less dark and alone. I get lonely so quickly, it's amazing. Amazingly horrifying. I'm too used to his warmth and his voice and... What am I to do in this state? How did I become like this?

I miss him.

can't stop singing this

slaughtered moments (i love you when you're not around)

I keep thinking of all the minutes and hours we've wasted by being angry at each other. We don't have time. Nobody has time. I could die tomorrow for all I know. Just like that. We don't have time.

But I only think of that when he's not around. When we're together, everything stops. There's no room for thinking. There's only room for us.

i re-read some old posts

My love for him was so different back then. Love changes. Every day, actually. Every day, I feel a different kind of affection towards him. Of course, the changes are very subtle, but over time you get to see the differences more clearly.
I don't know how to classify my feelings, though. Is that even possible? Can I categorize my feelings into different phases? No that I think of it, probably not. But I'm no expert.

tell me baby will you be there when I wake up?

I don't think you're stupid. Stop saying that. I'm the one who's daft.
I'm the one who takes things too seriously.
I'm sorry. Again.

but what are dreams if you never sleep?

We need to take a vacation, just the two of us. No chores, no obligations, no appointments to keep. Just the two of us. In the middle of nowhere, Away from it all.
Just the two of us.
Please.

so give me back the feeling only you can bring me

I hid the long post. It's for the better.
I used one of the soaps today and I smell like a citrus tree - so basically fabulous. :)

I'm a jealous, needy, spoiled and materialistic person. It's true. And I can't help it. But I also like giving things. I like spoiling people, making little surprises and whatnot. I like to know a lot about others because it's easier to make them happy. It's easier to know how to console them, or how to surprise them, or how to make them laugh.

I have a weak heart. I cry easily, laugh easily... I get hurt easily. You call it over-sensitive. I can't change my heart. If I could, I would. Do you think I like to be angry or sad over things, just like that? I'm not asking anybody to walk on tiptoes around me. Hell no. I just want you to know that things that don't have much meaning to you maybe mean a lot to me. Like when you keep forgetting things about me. I know you care, but in that specific moment I feel like you don't.

When I love someone, I give my everything. A friend once told me there's nothing more dangerous than giving your everything, because in the end you're left with nothing. But I feel like it's only sincere when I can say that yes, I am putting everything I have to give into a relationship, because what else can I do? Why should I withhold things? Why should I ration my feelings and experiences?  On the on the other hand, I risk losing everything. It's terrifying, but at the same time I can't help thinking that it's worth it.

I keep getting upset at GC. Then I think of the way he looks at me, the way his eyes soften and grow warm. The way he sounds when he talks about things he enjoys. And then I fall for him all over again, you know? He still makes me crazy.
The eternal question being, of course: do I still make him crazy?

so much to do

I still haven't done all my washing, I have to open a new account and I need to buy stuff for GC's parcel...

(There! there is fucking is again! I need to. I don't need to do anything. I want to. And that's my big fucking problem. I want to get him things and then I spoil him too much and so he's starting to take me for granted. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED FOR FUCK'S SAKE DO YOU HEAR ME)

Then I have to clean my room and do a loooooong session of dusting (I'm already crying), then I have to clean the bathroom, then I have to buy food for the rest of the week...

And I still need to work on my final essay. Fuck. Shit.

you know what?

Fuck it. I like my present.
I needed a new eyeliner, and I love that kind of soap. Plus, he likes it too, so I'll smell nice to the both of us. I don't know whether the nail polish looks nice yet. But who cares? I only use polish on my toes, and my toes always look fabulous, no matter what. So there. Fuck it. I like it.

and to finish off the subject

The worst part is I get upset but then I look at him and think "god damn I love this guy with all my heart" and I just can't be upset anymore...

sorry for complaining so much

I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I know I complain too much. I know. I know.

I would never tell him. I don't want to upset him just because I'm being oversensitive and stupid.

got my present

Useful? Yes. Unexpected? Yes. Romantic? No. Worth the two-month wait? No.

When I say cliché I mean the romantic kind of cliché, not the "i don't know you well enough to get you something special" cliché. I mean, yeah I need some of those things, they're useful, they're okay. But that's the thing. They're just okay. Nothing more. They won't remind me of him whenever I see them or whatever. I know, it's stupid of me. I said I didn't want anything, so I shouldn't be complaining. But you see, I just thought maybe he might think of something sweeter. I don't know. It's silly. Shit.

It's just that now I kind of feel stupid for breaking my head over what to get him. I feel like I'm the one who's trying too hard again.

I wish I didn't act so stupid. I wish I wasn't so spoiled. I wish I didn't feel upset over silly things like this.

Maybe it's because of my state in general. Everything gets to me. Everything. I keep crying. I hate it. I hate it so much.

i'm back

I'm back. And I'm exhausted. And I feel like crying for hours. And I still don't have a birthday present for GC. And I can't sleep. And I'm really really scared.