montreux

I'm in Montreux for a week, and GC is stuck in a bunker. It's rainy here and no phone connection there. So yeah, this weeks sucks.
And I don't even know if I can go to his place on Saturday, even though it's his birthday. I really really really want to go. I do. But I don't know about my condition. I've been feeling terrible for some time and it won't go away. I keep trying to suppress it, but we all know it's all bound to explode at some point. God damn it.
And what about his birthday present? He says he doesn't want one, but I want to give him something. I already have a present for our one year anniversary next month, but not for his birthday... I hate this. What can I give him? What could I possibly get him??

/P.

call my name

"I'm tearing up across your face
Move dust through the light
To find your name"

I feel like I'm a mess. Not emotionally (for once), but physically. I feel physically unstable, like my body is going to fall apart any moment. Kind of like my atoms are about to disperse. I know it sounds strange, but I don't know how to explain it. I never know how to explain how I feel, anyway. What's the point of having feelings if you can't even understand them?

I remembered a song today,  Marvinizer by Sarp Yilmaz. It's one of the first songs I ever heard at GC's place so it kind of has sentimental value. I don't know. I just like it. And I like the way it made me smile. So yeah.

/P.

creatively wasting my time

I'm struggling with a major chapter of my final essay, and it's driving me up the wall. I just can't seem to get it right. My brain is mush. I'm good at creative writing, but this? This is pure hell. I hate analysing and quoting and sourcing and ugh.

The washing machine in our boarding house broke down yesterday, so I have to take all my stuff home, plus my class is going to Montreux for a week so I have to pack double (oh no of course it's not inconvenient what are you talking about)...

On the bright side, I got back a good math grade for once and GC is coming with me to Basel, so yay! Also Mum is buying me loads of mango pulp, which is awesome.

blindfolds (turn a blind eye and make you feel real funky)

But let me change the subject. Kind of.

I feel so sexually gratified. Like, wow.

We have our ups and downs, but who doesn't? It's a part of it all. Of course I was a bit upset, but only for a minute. Not even. My ego takes a blow, your ego takes a blow, but in the end, what does it matter? It happens. So what?

Think of all the times it was fucking great. And think of all the times that will be even better. And then tell me about them :P Or show me, I don't know, whatever the fuck you wanna do, do it, I'm outta here this is getting embarrassing.

he hit me and it felt like a kiss

I deleted most (all) of my posts about the puppy, but I need to get more of this off my chest. I'll probably regret and delete this post in a few days, so here goes nothing.
I now realize that the relationship I had with him was pretty intense. I don't even know whether that's a good thing. No actually I know it isn't a good thing. It was violent. There was this burning passion, it's insane. There was some fucking insane violence between us. Like, one of us would always walk away bleeding at some point. Literally. It was really twisted. And I don't think either of us actually knew what was going on, I mean it went on for maybe 3 days and then it was over, but it was 3 days of madness. I don't even know how all of it happened. Like, how much can two virtual strangers do in 3 days? Obviously, a lot. And that was some fucked up stuff. Even though nothing serious ever happened. It was less sexual and more just... I don't know I mean we'd make out but nothing more than that. And yet holy fuck we'd bite and scratch and hit and pinch and tear and I felt so... powerful. It was a constant fight for dominance. And when I was in control it was like being on drugs. And when I wasn't in control it was... the same elated feeling. I still don't understand it.

is it an oven or a gramophone??

- I need to cut my nails
- I need to start watching attack on titan
- My homework isn't going to do itself
- I really miss GC
- Today's school hike almost killed me

underneath, there's a perfect sky

"Baby I'm leaving here,
You need to be with somebody else,
I can't stop bleeding here,
Can you suture my wounds and feelings?"

I used to think about suicide a lot. Like, a lot. And you know what? I felt guilty. Not for thinking about death. But for feeling so sad when nothing was actually wrong.
I didn't understand why I was so tired of everything. I couldn't put my depression into words. I wouldn't tell people because I didn't want to be a burden, and when I did, the answer was "you're just going through a phase, it'll be over before you know it" or "it can't be that bad" or "don't exaggerate, you're just fine".
It still isn't over, it really is that bad, and I am not fine, thank you very much.

I still think about suicide sometimes.

You know, the thing about my suicidal thoughts is that I never have enough reason to pull through with it. I just... I have so many things to finish before I can go. There are so many places I still want to see. It's like suicide is this... concept, but not a fixed appointment I have to keep. Basically, Neil Hilborn says what I can't put into words:

"I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I'm up I don't kill myself because holy shit! there's so much left to do! And when I'm down, I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over and the sadness is the old paint under the new. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring!"

 This post is not a call for help, let this be clear. It's just something that's been on my mind and I figured I'd feel better if I wrote it down. I was right. I feel better now.
I want to live. I want to explore the world and meet interesting people and form memories and relationships and I want to experience the world's beauty. I want to embrace it all.
I also want to die. I want my depression to stop and the constant sleepless nights to end and the tears to dry and the nightmares to disappear. I want to escape it all.

But right now, I have so many reasons to live. I have so many reasons to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and like what I see. I've become more body-positive. I've become more confident. I've fallen in love. And I don't want to leave this behind.

/P.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

There are many things wrong with me. There are many things wrong with everybody, to be honest.

So why do I feel so whole when I'm with you?

Why do you look at me like you don't see all the cracks and scars and bruises?

How do you make me so happy?

I don't know if I deserve all this.

I don't know if I deserve you.

do you mind being called tiger by the way

bite me. seriously, do it. and i don't mean kiss marks, darling.

don't beat yourself up about small failures. we have so much time to make up for them. together.

has it really already been almost a year? time flies, my dear, but you stay with me (where i wish or you to be in fallen eyelashes and stars)

i love you. i will say it again. and again. and again. and again.

sometimes i think it has always been you. even before we knew each other, it was you all along, wasn't it?

to tiger

i have a feeling that it will always be you
you you you
and no other
what have you done to me?