shadows on the hills

I haven't been at school this week.
Partly because I was sick with the flu, partly because I was physically incapable of leaving my room for two days. I would just start shaking all over and feel dizzy. So I stayed in my room, sitting on my bed, thinking about what a failure I am. It would die down in the evening and I'd go and drink some tap water, but that's it. I wasn't able to do anything.

I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of people with the whole repetition thing. Mostly my parents, particularly my father. And I'm ashamed of it. I have proven to be a failure and the way he talks to me now, the phrases and formulations and the tone of his voice - all of it is just dripping with disappointment and reproach. I don't really blame him for it. I could have done better. But I didn't. And I can't help thinking that I am a failure every time I set eyes on my current class, my old classmates, the school building, the teachers...
The thing is, I don't want to be a failure. I want to show that despite this incident, I am able to achieve something in life. That I'm not a good-for-nothing. Because, frankly, if I've come this far, I can go further.

But you see, here's the snag: I am sick and tired of everything. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Or just disappear. Just like that; vanish into thin air. Poof - and I am no more. I bet that would disappoint even more people. Whatever I do, it's disappointing. So wouldn't it be better if I stopped doing anything at all?

/P.