Sometimes, it's daily things like getting into a fight with my brother. But then it escalates. We start saying things that aren't okay, even for brother-sister-bitchfight standards. I regret saying them afterwards, though I don't know whether he ever gives his own actions a second thought. What I do know is that he gets affected strongly by what people say to and about him. I say things to him that make me want to cry later on. And I say them fully aware of what impact they have on him. I deliberately hit him at his weakest points. Hard.
Sometimes, it's less frequent things like standing on a platform at the train station waiting for the S3. But then my mind goes wild. I start imagining me, jumping onto the tracks and just starting to walk, my earphones on and the music on full volume so when the train comes I won't hear a thing. I'd go out with a song, like in a film. I regret thinking of it immediately, I get chills down my spine for imagining such things. If I could, I'd erase those thoughts; 'un-think' them, so to speak. But I can't. And when the train finally arrives, I'm relieved that I can get in like a normal person and sit in a warm compartment and be alive.
Sometimes, it's rare things like sitting in class with nothing to do. But then I start thinking too far. I start wanting to curl up in a ball and explode, erasing everything in a giant blast of heat and destruction. The whole planet Earth wiped out, reduced to floating chunks of rock and soil. Eliminate mass destruction with universal destruction. Quick and efficient.
I'm petrified of my own thoughts and actions.
I'm afraid of thinking at all at times.
I'm scared of myself.
/P.
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