disillusioned

"Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"

---
I've been thinking about things more than ever recently. It's depressing, really. Even worse if you discuss the world for 1 1/2 hours in a dark park with somebody whom you usually wouldn't even meet up with for a second time out of principle - but fuck principles, I've given them up long ago anyway.

I've been thinking about the happy-go-lucky version of me, too. It sounds so, so tempting. You know, prance through life with not a care in the world. Tell everyone to fuck off with their worries and problems. Truth is, it's not that easy. I may be egocentric - this whole world is, anyway - but I can't just shut off everything. Despite everything I see what's going on around me and I can't turn away from it.

Example (for the egocentric character of our fellow citizens): There were two guys fighting in the school yard during the 10:00 break. One guy was pretty upset and really beating the other one up. And what did the other students do? Go on, make a guess. Bingo. Nothing. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody thought of trying to separate them. I wasn't there personally because I was talking to LR in the hallway, but then some classmates told me about it. Even they said they should have done something, but at the time they "just didn't know how to react". I'm not saying that I don't believe them. I'd probably be quite shocked too, actually. But come on, at least one of those students could have called a teacher if they didn't have the courage to step in themselves.

It's an important - though not very flattering - characteristic of us humans: we're much too egocentric, and that makes us cowards, too. The basic mentality is "this doesn't concern me, I'm sure someone else will do it for me". Bullshit. No-one will move so much a s a finger unless it's yourself. Simple.

And most people who prey on others (in any way, even if it's the local 'thugs' cornering a girl coming home after school) are scared away by merely someone stepping in and saying something. They'reused to people looking away and not caring, so that's what they expect, of course. Change that. Go up to them. They'll be confused and will back away. I've tried it and it works, so I'm not just giving you readers a moral lecture here.

So yeah, so much for Hypocrisy of Society 101.

/P.

nice guys finish last

Either I attract assholes, or they attract me.
Whatever it is, all I seem to get is assholes. (that's what he said)
Seriously though, why is it that the good guys tend to be overlooked and the douche bags are the ones who get laid and stuff?
I mean, even in films and series and whatnot, nice guys finish last.
We women are just too ignorant.

/P.

Read me my Miranda rights

Today I want to say something about hypocrisy.

First of all, there will only be a handful of people (if not less) who will really take you serious in life. Most of them will wear a mask of seriousness and concern and whatnot but believe me it's all a lie. Of course it is. And we are all the same in this particular point. I may sometimes think that what my conversation partner is telling me is complete bullshit, but I will listen patiently and nod and pretend that I understand what they're saying. You may meet an old classmate on the street and when they come up to you you have to give up the hopes of being able to just walk past them and pretend you don't know them. You'll have to smile, probably hug, exchange common set phrases and then walk away under a pretext, all the while thinking that you've wasted precious time on some unimportant and maybe uncomfortable piece of your past.
Yes, we are all hypocrites to some degree. I know I am.

Old wisdom aside: Hello there, ex-classmates, friends, enemies (...?). I heard you read this.
Oh dear, I'll have to hold my tongue now. No more ranting about everything (everyone). Not that I do, really. Okay I do.
And here again we have the proof to my old and ever repeated rant: I am bound by society. Out of fear of my status (haha), my dignity (what is dignity anyway?)... you get my point. I hope.

Back to hypocrisy:
I think you all know, my dear readers of whom I know now, where I am aiming.
You just love this, don't you. You feast yourselves on me, you pine to devour every last word I write. For shame. Have you nothing better to do in you lives?
Oh, but it's you who chose to make your so-called diary public, you may tell me now. Oh yes. It was my choice. But it's your choice whether you resist the temptation. Oh you silly, silly children, so desperate for other people's thoughts, words, lives because yours isn't enough. Tut tut.
I may sound reproachful. But I'm the same! It's only natural, so calm down, don't be upset. We're all in the same boat. Why else would E's blog be so popular? We just crave to know every last bit of each scandal, each problem, each emotion. The sweetness of the fact that it's happening to someone else, not us. That we can just sit and watch and enjoy the show. You know I'm right.
So if you see me in the hallway and choose to say 'hello' or 'how's your new class' or 'I miss you' etc, remember that I know you know.

I've probably made myself some enemies now, sounding aloof and all that. It makes it worse because - at least in some points - I'm right. People don't like to be proven wrong or guilty. Not that you should feel guilty, of course. Please, don't. Guilt is one of the worst things one can feel. Especially when it's only right to feel it. I know because I've been forgiven my ignorance and egoism more than once by a person who should have turned her back on me ages ago for what I've done (yes, sweetheart, I mean you).

/P.

inspired moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEsZheHrD2o&feature=plcp

As you know I have my ups and downs. Mostly in ten-minute intervals. Yeah.
But I'm determined to change this. There's no sense in succumbing to every mood/feeling that just happens to cross my way.
I'm too easily influenced by others. I can tell myself that I like someone a lot because they like me too, and believe it. I can be depressed the whole day by listening a sad song in the morning. I can be all high spirits after watching a little kid laugh on the way to school. But it's not good. Not healthy. Not nothing. It's just useless.
Therefore, I've conjured up three vital points that I have to keep in mind:

1. I will not live the life of others, nor will I feel dependent on or restricted by others/society. I will do what I want in life, I will achieve what I want, and if I don't succeed, at least I'll know I did my best. No more living in a golden cage.
2. I'm not a doll. I'm not something you can throw into a corner when bored and expect me to sit and wait quietly until you want me again.
3. I have my worth. There's no point in letting people use me or make me feel worthless, because I'm unique, special and proud to be what I am. And if I'm not proud, I should change what I am and become what I want to be.

Time to change.

/P.

taking it seriously

I told him to fuck off.
100 points for me.

Now that I'm technically free as a bird, it feels weird. The good kind of weird. No more commitment and stuff.

/P.

high on life

You know that feeling when you know somebody wants you and it makes you feel awesome about yourself?
You know that feeling when you taste a forbidden fruit and really really like it and want more?
You know that feeling when you want all of them to see you and only you?
This post has nothing to do with that feeling. :P

Bye.

/P.

good mood

Apparently I have the body of a goddess. At least according to some people who are gaga about some Paulina. Lawl.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood. Which is why I cleaned up my room today and plan on working out two times a week. And keeping a strict diet. Yay!!

My new class is loud and unfamiliar. I hope that I'll be able to get to remember all the names by Wednesday. I'm really bad at names. At least I know some people. Hah, GE is fun as always. Looks like SK missed him a lot ^^

And I'm broke. My handy is. Meh.

/P.

Dilemna

"I just came back from Woodstock and I've thought for a long time if I should write and most of all how to start so maybe I'll just start like this:

I'm sorry that everything happened the way it did this year, I heard that you're not allowed to be in contact with me or Zosia. I hope that next year it'll be better.

Now the second matter: I know I was wrong not to tell you about the way I feel on the first day but I just couldn't, I thought it would be better for us, it would be better if you'd just find someone better who'll be nearer and who'll be a better guy than me. It's not like I want it but it's the best solution.

I hope I haven't made you even more upset with this e-mail but I felt I should write it and, well, after two hours of sitting and pondering over what to write I just have.

I hope you understand. If you want everything to be as it was then write back, if you don't the it's okay. Delete everything and forget about me."

Just got this. And honestly I have mixed feelings about it. Should I write back? Or should I just put an end to all we've been through - all I've been through? The second solution sounds better on the long run, but right now I have no idea what to do. I guess I still love him. It's not so easy to forget. I may try to be confident, but something like what was between us can't just be forgotten and left behind. At least I can't do it. I'm too scared to.

What should I do?

/P.

"Summer Vacation Report"

As the title says, this is a report. Reports are long. Unless you’re bored and have a lot of time to waste, you've been warned.

First & Second Week: Horse Riding Camp

The good thing about going to camp for two weeks is that the second week is just fucking awesome in comparison to the first. My case was quite extreme. On the first lesson on the first day my horse – ironically called For Pleasure – threw me off, the mean way. Diagnose: contusion of the left hip bone. I couldn’t even touch it, it hurt so badly. Anyway, the oh-so-wise owner told me to move as much as possible until it stopped hurting. I did. Which resulted in my hip swelling terribly and me being driven to hospital. I was told to move as little as possible and they gave me some ointment. On the third day after the accident I was so bored that I just went to class. Turns out it doesn’t hurt when you sit on a horse. Good for me. Anyway, the show they throw after each week of camp (basically jumping a parcours) was a big fail for me since For Pleasure is the type of horse that kicks, bites and bucks out of spite and that neither goes forwards nor stops. Meaning that either he wouldn’t move from the spot or he’d just gallop away. Yay.

The second week was much better. My new horse was called Orlando and was a sweetheart. Easy, made me regain my confidence and joy of riding. Love that horse. The only problem is that he doesn’t like to be cleaned, which is pretty dumb. But no matter, outside his box he’s just wonderful.

Also, during the second week we got some guys. The first week was just me, my two roommates and two girls in the neighbouring room as the eldest in camp, the rest were 7-12 years old. You can imagine. The second week on the other hand brought with itself two “older” guys, of which (sadly, in a way) only one is worth talking about. To my horror he was only 15, but I could have sworn he was 17. Seriously, he looked perfectly 17: Too old to be 16, too young to be 18. But that’s not the point. He turned 16 two days later so it was okay. Everything turned back to legal again. Just kidding. But he was cute. Only so damn innocent in his own way. You can imagine all the girls started chasing after him since he was basically the only attraction in camp.

Third & Fourth Week: Lake Serwent

We come to the less amusing part of my report. As you know, I was – more or less – waiting the whole year for this moment. I was finally going to see D again. So far, so good.

The beginning of the first week of my stay was relatively unspectacular: The weather was shitty so there was nothing to do; I spent most of my time at Z’s place with her, her friend O and D. Now, D acted weird from the first day. He was distanced, barely talked and mostly focused his attention on Z when we were together. I tried to pull him away so we’d have some time alone, but it didn’t work, absolutely nothing happened. I was beginning to get frustrated. Here I was, believing his “I love you”s and so on, and here he was, acting like we were almost strangers. Z and O kept telling me that he was just shy and that he needed time to get used to me actually being there. I chose to believe them and hope for the better, though time was running out. After all, two weeks to make up for an entire year are just nothing. The affair reached a culminating point on Thursday (mind you, time runs slow there) when Z and O decided that on the eve of my birthday, we should celebrate it the” teen way”. Long story short, I got drunk, hit D in the face and left two blue marks on his left cheek (cheers for me), shouted at him for ignoring me and cried a great deal. I kind of made a fool of myself. On the other hand he got what he deserved, though I got hurt a great deal too. Apparently he’s “not able to love” and “thinks only about himself” because “that’s how it is when you grow up in the surroundings he was in”. Fucking bullshit if you ask me. It might be vain of me, but I believe he is able to love and loves me somewhere deep inside, he’s just scared of it.

Anyway, by now I had sobered up pretty much. But here’s the snag: I had promised to be home at 10:30 and it was already 11:15. We could hear the little brother looking for us so we ran back home. Of course we all reeked of alcohol so Z made me drink half a litre of milk and had me chew mint gum. Now it might sound funny and all, but we were panicking then.

Father of course smelled it anyway and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house from then on unless it was to swim in the lake. Naturally I was in a terrible mood on my birthday. The following week made me feel like I was living in a golden cage, no dramatizing here. Yes I had two friends stay over for the week at my place, yes the weather was great and yes being locked up didn’t mean Z couldn’t visit me. But she didn’t, and I just sat on the balcony all day either sleeping in the sun or looking out like a lost dog just in case Z happened to walk past. Yep. Of course there were some cool moments, like me bravely ignoring D when he happened to be at the lake at the same time as me and the two girls and seeing his face – oh that face was just priceless! – or the awesome rainstorm that caught us on the way home from a really long walk…

Yeah. My bad luck, huh?

Fifth Week: (undefined)

Not much here, just some days in Danzig and horse riding… my first time riding a horse with a hackamore by the way. It feels weird at the beginning when you know the horse doesn’t have a bit. Then two days at the cabaret theatre of friends of ours. That’s it.

Sixth Week: Sailing Camp

Kids afraid of the sail of their tiny nutshell boat. No nice instructors (S was in Zurich so my main attraction wasn’t available). No wind in the morning.

The rest was cool. Texting with someone who's a bit of a sociopath deep down (so it seems) and sometimes murders people in his head too (yes, you).

I like sailing. You feel a bit free, in a way. The wind tussling your hair and making you look like Medusa, water splashing on you and making you catch a cold… it’s worth it. No irony here. You feel complete at the end of the day.

And now I’m back in Basel.

Conclusion:

I’m free as a bird.

And I intend to stay this way for some time. Mess around. Laugh. Have fun.

After all, we’re on a timebomb.

x