Level Up (pokémon style)

*weird 8bit music*
Flirt is changing... Flirt is evolving!
*more weird music*
Flirt has evolved! Flirt is now Boyfriend!

So yeah. That's what I wanted to say.

I was at the cheesiest date ever yesterday. Seriously. But I wanted to do it so bad that we just did and it was so much fun that even I was surprised. Oh God. Now that I think of it it really is stupid.
Anyways, we went to the zoo. Awesome, right? E's probably groaning and rolling her eyes at the cheesy childishness and all the sweetness that just makes the teeth hurt. Even I was tempted to do so. But it was really so much fun... After that we went to his place, watched some TV, made out etc, etc. But that's not important.
I feel at ease when I'm with him for some reason. He's cuddly and warm and his brain is not between his legs like with so many others. He's just normal. And normality is just what I want. Nothing overly sexy, cute, handsome or whatever, just normal and fun.

In the beginning, I just wanted to keep this "relationship" on a shallow level. He was just supposed to be someone I could make out with without having to deal with any relationship problems, like love or whatever. A flirt, a fling, something not that important. But when at some point this person tells you you're very important to them, you feel like banging you head against a wall for being stupid and not cutting all ties from the beginning. Which is what I felt like.
But then I did some thinking. He liked me, he wanted me. It felt good to be wanted. It made me feel better about myself. And it felt so damn good to be held by someone.
Aaand I hadn't made out with anybody for half a year. "Oh my God", I thought. I didn't know how I'd managed so far.
Maybe I'm desperate. I don't know. All I know is that it's fine right now.

But I had a nightmare today. D killed himself because he found out about me and FI. I was really in shock when I woke up, because behind this happy, lovey-dovey me, there is still a worm that keeps nagging me. It keeps saying "cheater, liar, hypocrite". And it's damn right. Which makes it even worse.
D killing himself because of me is stupid. First of all, it means that I think much too highly of myself because obviously it would mean that I am loved a lot. Which is not true. So he wouldn't ever do that.
But still it's unfair, right? I mean, for him. Ah, having a conscience can be so tiresome at times.

But it is as it is. And since I'm a notorious masochist, I don't intend to change things as of yet.

/P.

Small Notice

Just so you know, I can't get that ad off my post, I don't know how it came there in the first place, it's pretty annoying. And ironic. Haha.

I have to call my matura-something-adviser but I can't reach her, which is pretty stupid because I have to hand in my form until Wednesday. Bitch.

Aaand I have to convince my mum to let me go out tomorrow evening (FI's birthday), gonna be a tough one.

/P.

Show-Off

Yeah I wanna brag. About my oh-so-great date today. We're meeting up on Wednesday again. Which is pretty awesome because he's cute. We spent almost four hours at the Rhine and then went for a walk to nowhere in particular, which is why I was late for dinner and had to eat a fattening pizza instead. But even the pizza tastes good today for no reason. I'm not in love, he's just a flirt for now. I'm still not over D, and I don't want to use F to forget him either. I just want to have a normal relationship for once, and he came along so I decided to give him a chance. And why not? After all he's pretty okay, to be honest.

/P.

Insomniac

This is just the insomniac me writing random stuff about myself because I have absolutely nothing better to do.
I watched 3 eps of Dexter today, as in the crime series, I realized that the dude who plays Doomsday in Smallville plays a bad guy there too. But he's a pussy in his one, so I'm a bit disappointed.
The little brother was being an eyesore today. Since Mom's not here he thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants to. Well he's wrong. The neighbor was being annoying too, so I decided to go shopping. And what does she do? She fucking cooks all the eggs in the fridge without any obvious reason. Now I can't have scrambled eggs for breakfast. Dammit.
I'm having an instant soup in the cup and just burnt my tongue.
I've realized that I've had my braces for 5 years before getting them out. I found an entry in an old diary.
Fun fact of the day about me: All of you don't know half the things going on in my head.

/P.

what's happened so far

Was at the party yesterday, it was pretty lame at first and only started getting interesting past twelve. Got drunk so it was more fun, made out with a random guy who I thought was L's bf but wasn't. Going out with him tomorrow. Went shopping today, got new ballerinas and a book (yay!) and three shirts so I'm fine for now. Decided to get a life for once and not pine after D (they're renovating the apartment so he has no internetz - as if I'd believe that).
So that's that.

/P.

mandy

R.I.P. you crazy, crazy girl.

He misses you.

i've wanted to say this for some time now

Let's be serious. If gayness was forbidden, it wouldn't exist. And what is "forbidden", anyway? It's just what a majority of people decided on many many years ago, and only because a minority of people dictated the idea into their heads. That's the truth.
Many may say that two people of the same sex feeling sexually and emotionally attracted to each other are "not normal", freaks, social outcasts. Why? Because they love each other? Because they feel connected and want to spend the rest of their lives together? Aren't these emotions the same as the ones heterosexual people feel? You can't deny that. Homosexuality is inborn. It's fucking natural.
I believe that everybody in this world has someone predestined for them. Whether they actually find that person at some point in their lives is another question, but there is this special person somewhere out there, for everyone. Something like a soul mate, the second half, however you want to call it. Mostly it's someone from the opposite sex. Sometimes they happen to be of the same gender. And then, so what? They're not hurting anyone, they're not terrorizing the community, they're not trying to force anybody to be homosexual too. So what the fuck is your problem, dear homophobs? Tell me. I want to understand.

And then, another thing. Let's assume you're a male individual. You have a friend whom you've know for, say, six years. One day this friend tells you that he's realized that he feels attracted to men. At this moment, there is one thing that you absolutely are not allowed to do: don't feel grossed out. The only thing that has changed is that you know one more thing about your friend, nothing more. They're still the same fucking person. They're still the same person you've known for six years, believe me, and the fact that they're gay doesn't change a thing. And please don't feel anxious around them because you think they'll pounce on you. Mostly you're not their type anyway. The same goes for girls.


To make my point clear, there are 5 golden rules:

1. Homosexuality is not contagious. You won't become gay just because you spend a lot of time with a gay person.

2. Being friends with a homosexual person doesn't automatically make you gay too in the eyes of society. It's like with religions. If your friend is Jewish, it doesn't mean you're Jewish too.

3. If a friend comes out of the closet, don't freak out. Instead, feel honored, because they put enough trust in you to tell you such a thing.

4. Don't act different around your homosexual friend, they're still the same person. Acting different just makes things awkward and difficult for both sides.

5. Love is love. There is no such thing as differentiation in love, not even in terms of gender/sexuality.

/P.

it's a mad world

defining me

anger surge 2.0

Yep it's one of those moments again. When I would destroy the world if I could. Of course half of it is all drama and me wanting attention, but in a way it's true. I feel so angry and frustrated because of everything and anything. I initially got pissed because my brother kept walking around his room. Yeah, it's such a good reason to get angry, right? I mean, what the fuck?! That is no reason to be so angry! But no, of course I have to lose it and get furious and go for a looong walk and contemplate ways of killing him and burying him deep in the woods and kick the hell out of a tree with an old couple looking at me weirdly. Now I'm back home (Captain Obvious saves the day) and still pissed. Nope, still no reason. Except maybe my aching toe (kicked the tree too hard after all).

/P.

anger surge (or: to my friend)

I'm not who you think I am. Deep inside I'm not the friendly, happy person you think you know. I'm mean. I'm sarcastic. I'm violent.

You wouldn't understand. How could you? You're just a kid. You're a kid with perfect parents, a perfect life, you're spoiled, you have no sense of tact; you're not capable of understanding.

So shut up, go away. Stop being nice to me. Leave me alone.
I hate you. Hate me back.
I can't hurt you.
I depend on you. I like you. I need you.
So I hate you.

/P.

I'm sorry, I just had to ^^

is this guy a legend, or a male whore?

Mood Swings

They say PMS comes with age. Fuck them, I have it already. Or maybe it's just my puberting hormones. Puberting.... is that even a word? I don't feel like googling it.
...Okay it's not a word. It's actually pubescing. Wtf I have never heard that word before. Weirdo dictionary. Pff.

I've been having extreme mood swings lately. Like, more extreme than usually. Today during physics I was like high on... something... I guess I can get high on oxygen, you never know with me (or LR). Anyways the point is that I felt really happy. And it was this feeling of happiness that's real, not just being okay with life, I was genuinely happy. Like, happy happy.
And then I came home, and I was talking to my mom about some article she had read and it... just hit me. I felt so damn sad that I started crying. For no reason whatsoever. I mean I was perfectly normal until then, in a normal conversation about nothing special, and then this. My mom got quite a fright. And then comes the question: why am I sad? I don't know. I just am.
Do I need a reason to be sad? Because I don't need a reason to be happy, I just feel good and glad and that's it. So can't it be the same thing with sadness?

What annoys me is that my moods change drastically, if at all. I have exactly 4 moods:
1. Happy -> smiling, hyper, all that shit.
2. Neutral -> no facial expression, distant, dazed.
3. Sad -> crying, depressed, drama.
4. Angry -> as in, furious. doesn't happen often.

There is no such thing as a "weakened emotion" for me (dunno how to put it). I just give everything or nothing. I always do, for some reason, no matter what situation. What is wrong with me, seriously...

/P.

Rock Bottom

I feel like dying. It just hit me out of the blue. Just thought it'd be good to write it down. I guess I'd hoped for the feeling to go away this way.

I win.

I got rid of my braces. Score! But I still can't smile properly into the camera, it's just become a habit. Plus I never know whether I'm really smiling or it's just my brain telling that I am. Creepy, in a way.

I got rid of somebody who has been writing an annoying lot of texts to me by saying that I have a boyfriend whom I love so much that there is not even the tiniest possibility of me cheating on him. I am a hypocrite. But it worked, didn't it. The ends justify the means.

I started reading books again. I've decided that the IB is not going to steal the rest of my life away (let's just say that the definition of "having a life" can be very flexible in my case), so I borrowed a book and got four more as a present form my gran. I love her. Just the stuff I needed (really, no irony here).

I feel awesome, therefore I win. Muahahahaha.

/P.

This is just a short update on my life so far since I haven't been writing for some time.
Nothing has happened. Nothing. It's like I have nothing in life except school and sitting around at home like a slob. Argh it drives me mad! So I've decided to go swimming again, just to relieve the adrenaline kicks I get ever too often when I should be doing school work. Or maybe jogging. Yeah. Sounds good.

Tomorrow is LR's birthday, SO DON'T FORGET TO CONGRATULATE OR I'LL KILL YOU. Lol. Joking. No really, the knife in my hand is just a distraction ;) I had no idea what to get her. It turns out that when it comes to presents, I'm useless. I guess I should starting giving gift cards so the person in question can just buy whatever the hell they want without me running through half the town in search for a good present. Yeah. Sounds good.

I've started reading this book series, Pretty Little Liars, and I'm kinda addicted, the problem is that I only have the first 4 books out of 12. Fml, I'll have to look for them in every bookstore out here because I hate ordering stuff over the internet. Ugh.

Hey so it turns out there is something going on in my life. It's just that it's not interesting.

And by the way (yes E I'm addressing you right now) this post is gonna be the first post since a long time with absolutely no mention of the B-word. (Meaning boys. Oops I said it. My bad.)

/P.

mmrs

hahaha  the awkward moment...
K randomly started chatting with me, for like no reason whatsoever, I don't think he even remembers who I am. He used to go out with a friend of mine and I (like almost all the girls at the mittagstisch) had a minor crush on him. Oh how time passes, lets see how this ends, I'll pretend not to know for now, might be fun ^^

the crucial question

"Where you ever serious with someone?"

I knew he was going to ask that question at some point. And I knew that was the whole sense of the game. On the other hand, I can be honest. I just don't see the point in that sort of question. I'm serious about him now, what does it matter what happened in the past?

/P.