New Year's Resolutions

Since I'm going to be completely isolated from the world for 10 days (1% hope for internetz, not much if you ask me), I thought I should write them down spontaneously now. This might turn into a monologue, so ignore the frustrated accusations/reproaches/whatever.

-> Forget D (get over it, girl, it's finished, and you did the finishing, what the fuck is your problem?!)
-> Stand up to my father (still not able to do it... my heart just breaks at the thought of his disappointment in me every time I try to say No)
- Get on better with my brother ( yeah right you're just hoping for him to stop calling you slut or cunt every time he sees you since that's what all girls are in his eyes anyway)
-> Get better grades (seriously I'm panicking now I don't want to fail and repeat the year)
-> Go shopping less often (it's like a stress-killer, and I'm addicted)
-> Build up some muscles
-> Improve my self esteem (it's, like, somewhere down in the cellar at times, and that needs to stop)
-> Buy a new laptop (mine's a wreck)

I bet my efforts to put these plans into action will be almost equal to zero, but oh well, its tradition.

/P.

PS: Merry Christmas and stuff ♥

Liar

LiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiarLiar.

Stop. Gluing. Yourself. To. Me. And. Get. A. Life.

That's what I wanted to tell him. Stupid motherfucking idiot.

Okay. Phew.

I think we all know who I'm talking about so let's just get over it. I absolutely can't tolerate this any longer. And please E, promise me not to get hurt (as if you weren't strong enough, but sorry for overestimating you if I am). No luck with my (decreasing) crush so far, I might as well give up. It's no fun anyway. Better to be single and happy like before.

/P.

Magpie

You always want what you can't have most. It's like a shiny jewel just waiting to be picked up and treasured. But when you pick it up and look at it closely, it's just another stone that glistened in the sun, deceiving you. You throw it away but always remember it, wondering how you could be so stupid to be fooled.

/P.

Crave You (or: vain little Me)

Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you...

The lyrics say it all.

/P.

stormy, stormier...

The awkward moment when... the storm outside your bedroom window turns out to be a cyclone/mini tornado (name's Joachim, just fyi).
The even more awkward moment when... you realize you've fought yourself home through a wall of 80 km/h windspeed.

Yeah that's right. I checked it out in the internetz - at least now I know why I could barely walk against the fucking wind that kept blowing in my direction.

/P.

i dare you

I dare you to read the letters 'til the end. And I mean the end. I was too damn creeped out to continue after some time so I didn't watch the videos. damn.

http://katytowell.com/projects/31-letters-from-the-previous-inhabitants/

I found Katy by chance on Youtube and then I found out that she'd written a book so now I'm gonna buy it. Her stuff is so creepy! I love it! *shiverrrrr*

good luck

/P.

stormy

I just managed to come home in time before the rain started falling. It's raining like fuck right now. My window is rattling. I hate this type of rain. I prefer the non-windy, anti-creepy, steady and peaceful rain. Not this shit.

My mind is a storm. I don't know what to think.
One voice tells me to stay in the background and watch because it's none of my fucking business. Another tells me to act, now, because if I don't something bad may happen. Yet another tells me to chill out and wait, because everything might turn out just fine without me doing anything.
The thing is, it might not. What if what she needs right now is a hug and a few comforting words... But what could I possibly say?
What do you want me to do? Help me so I can try and help you. Because I really want to.

/P.

the good thing about school in the evening

the beautiful sky outside the window...

...and the wonderful sunset

I think the title says it all :)

/P.

wiser than before...?

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle, that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected.

/P.

react

How would LR react if she knew I was bi?

For one, her face would be priceless.
But she'd totally freak out. Maybe throw a tantrum. Or even cut ties.
Omg I should never tell her.
On the other hand why should she worry - I'm more into boys anyway. Duh.
Ah fuck it.

/P.

complicated

Being in a relationship is complicated

Being single is even more complicated.

I have a crush and I refuse to admit it to myself. Because deep inside, I'm still hanging on desperately to D though I swore to forget him. But it's always like that. You can't just turn off your feelings with a flick of a switch. Though it would be so much easier.

The worst part is that I have absolutely no idea how to cope with this crush. It's a minor one, but it could grow into a bigger crush. And that's what I don't want. Because it'll end up like always: regrets and crying in a corner, wallowing in my self-pity.

On the other hand I could approach the situation optimistically: If my feelings are returned, it might be a good chance to forget D and start anew. I'd have someone who would hold me and who's warmth I can actually feel. It would be real. Not just a bunch of memories and a cup of hot tea in the evening. I guess I'm desperate for love. Everyone needs love, and I need a bit more than the others.

/P.

moin moin rain :)

So I'm writing this post just to annoy my mom who wants to use the internetz... never mind the randomness.

My German teacher back in OS used to greet us with a "moin moin" every morning - apparently it means Hi in Denmark and South Germany. Why am I even telling you this?

It's raining now. So great. I love rain. ♥ I wanted to go for a walk but it was too cold so I stayed home.

Tomorrow's Zumba time. It's fun, but not that hard as I'd expected it to be. I mean it doesn't veven make me lose my breath -.- I should take 2 hours instead. :)

/P.

attention please

is it wrong to be jealous of a friend just because she got more attention than me for once? i feel like a mean bitch. it was so damn trivial and actually it would never ever matter but today this thought just sprang into my mind saying "why are they listening to her? i'm more interesting anyway, look at me, me, me!" and then i felt really awful for thinking that. especially because i should be happy for her and because i'm absolutely not more interesting than her. so here i am, trying to relieve my conscience by trying to admit that i'm just an egoistic brat.
i guess i like getting attention. everyone does, to a certain degree. and my degree happens to be set higher up than with others.

/P.

thx

just had a link-fight with PB, sending each other funny pics... aww he always knows how to make me laugh :)
it's strange how i can forget that i have friends that actually care how i feel and try to get me on my feet again. i know i'm an ungrateful bitch. so thanks for making me feel better!

/P.

feeling like this isn't fun

clinging to anything that might make you feel better than the shitty state you're in right now

thank you teddy for being there for me, but you're just not enough

...why does it have to be like this???

stuff to say

Was on the winter ball yesterday evening, music was - on a scale of 1t o 10 - maybe 5.5... so it pretty boring halfway through coz there was nothing to do but try to dance to a few sucky songs (okay it wasn't that bad) oh and the aula was just full of first- and second-years... That didn't behave like first-years. Jesus, kids, if you feel like fucking, please do it elsewhere. Dry-humping in front of half the school seriously isn't advisable. Thank you. And undressing your girlfriend halfway also is something to do at home. At. Home. Not in a room packed with people who I'm pretty sure don't really want to watch you.
Aaand I have the feeling we have a new couple: MH and RE. Yep, MH came a bit tipsy and well I guess he found the courage to admit his feelings. Kind of. Plus I think E was a bit jealous? Well, anyway, I guess I should just stand back, it's none of my business anyway, though it's fun to watch and gossip.

I feel like I still have a hangover. Mom wasn't here last night, my brother is at a friend's over the week-end and the cupboard with the liquor looked oh so inviting. So when I came home, I suddenly felt this really really heavy load on my shoulders, and I became so damn depressed I couldn't help it. So. Welcome to my life as a single. And yes, I am beginning to miss D a bit, though I shouldn't.

I'm hoping to fall in love again (omg I said the forbidden L-word, badbadbadverybad), it's on my list of New Year's resolutions. I wanna be loved again...

Yesh, I does.