i have three moods

- he doesn't deserve me
- i don't deserve him
- i don't care

kill me

basically i'm really stupid and say stupid unnecessary mean things when i'm upset and i miss him and i can't see him for yet another week and next week will probably be the same and i feel so helpless i hate this so much i can't be with him this sunday which is the 23. and then next week again and on the 6, i'm in zurich and not there either and i just hate this i hate this i hate it and it hurts and he barely writes and i feel so left out it's so stupid i know but god i hate it

dear tiger 2.0 (or something like that)

you're fucking insensitive, you know?
and don't tell me you haven't noticed that if i don't start a conversation, or write good morning or whatever, you don't write to me. and when we're having a conversation i have to keep on asking questions to keep it going because all you do is answer in short sentences, or not even that. like, seriously, just tell me if you don't want to talk to me. this has been going on for so long and it's pissing me off.
it would be nice to wake up to a good morning text for once. especially when i'm sick, it just feels really nice, you know? or if you're baking stuff, tell me, just like that. send me a picture. i like knowing stuff like that, especially when i don't have to ask.
ugh i don't know. i'm just so frustrated. i miss you. you always say you miss me too but do you really? isn't it just becoming a phrase you say? i don't feel like it has any meaning. i don't feel like you've missed me when you tell me. and it makes me sad. and i can't talk to you about it because you'll tell me i'm oversensitive or overreacting or something. what am i supposed to do?

i'm sick woo

I was so weak yesterday that I had to prop myself up on the table to stand through the dinner prayer (which is like 30seconds long so yeah I was really weak), I kinda regretted walking up for dinner anyway because goddamn, it's such a long walk from the boarding house! I'm walking up today too because I'm an idiot but we're having a buffet and I don't trust RC and SW to get right stuff for me so I figured yeah why not I'll walk up today, too. So yeah. I'm an idiot.

trust

This isn't about trust.
People don't have absolute control over their feelings. You can love someone one day, and the next day, you might just stop. It's not your fault. It's just the way things are. No matter how many promises you make.
I tell GC I love him as often as possible. Father used to tell me I shouldn't use the word "love" too often because it would lose meaning and go to waste. That's not true. The thing about love is that you can love so many people and things and it's still as intense as ever. You never love anything the same way, anyway. Love is something inexhaustible to me.
I tell GC I love him as often as possible because I don't know when it will be the last time I say it. I try to let him know: I love you this instant, right now, today, and I want to love you tomorrow, and the day after that, and more days to follow.

!

He'll start working and studying soon and I'm stuck here and I don't know why but I'm afraid that he'll move on and forget me or find someone new and more interesting than me and then what will I do what will I do what will I do

I just don't know anymore

This weekend was a bit of a mess. I got angry at GC yesterday morning (and yes, this time I really had a good reason) and didn't know how to stop being angry at him. Eventually we both fell asleep til 5pm, and made up. So then we walked the dogs and bought pizza and had kinda-sorta-makeup-sex and went to sleep again. This morning GC had an existential crisis and took it out on everything, hurt his hand in the process (I'm still surprised he didn't break it) and finally told me what was going on in his head. It's so hard to know what he's thinking, so I really appreciate the moments when he's ready to talk about his feelings and his worries and... about anything in general, really. So yeah to cool down we went to the expo in Disentis and then he came to my room and we had really awesome sex and he went home. So yeah, a bit of a mess. But I'm happy we got our stuff sorted out, at least partially :)