We were supposed to have a photo shooting yesterday but the director forgot so I went for two banana splits with YD and Utah, which was fun, and then watched Django with them, which was pretty badass. Had my head on his shoulder through the whole film - now that I think of it I have no idea why I did, but it felt nice. Also I now don't know what to do as I always interpret too much into stuff when I shouldn't.
The first play this year was a disaster. Seriously. I wasted six bucks on a few laughs and an otherwise terrible performance. But I've decided to see all plays this year, so I guess it's my fault.
You know, the only thing I miss about Flo by now is the sex. That makes me shallow, and that in turn makes me angry at myself because I don't want to be shallow. But I just miss the feeling of that sexual tension, the warmth of another body and stuff, you know?
Fuck. I want a boyfriend. I wanna be loved...
/P.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
"Can I say 'I told you so' if it happens?"
YD dragged me to the cinema to see Les Misérables yesterday, and it was worth it. I almost cried.
Also, we had an unexpected companion (at least by me), nineteen years of age and with quite some wit hidden behind his handsome sixteener face. Great chemistry between those two, despite his joining in being purely coincidental as she was having dinner at his place with her parents (or so I was told... Naw I'm joking it really was spontaneous). I told her to hit on him before he's taken.
I find myself at ease these days, though I shouldn't or I'll fail the year again which would be a disgrace I couldn't live with. And yet I feel peaceful and calm. Like there's nothing that could trouble me right now. Probably another silence before the storm. But strangely enough I don't seem to care.
/P.
Also, we had an unexpected companion (at least by me), nineteen years of age and with quite some wit hidden behind his handsome sixteener face. Great chemistry between those two, despite his joining in being purely coincidental as she was having dinner at his place with her parents (or so I was told... Naw I'm joking it really was spontaneous). I told her to hit on him before he's taken.
I find myself at ease these days, though I shouldn't or I'll fail the year again which would be a disgrace I couldn't live with. And yet I feel peaceful and calm. Like there's nothing that could trouble me right now. Probably another silence before the storm. But strangely enough I don't seem to care.
/P.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
"Does this wig make me look fat?"
The Distraction (as of now called Don because he doesn't like to be called a distraction and 'the D' sounds too dirty) was what you'd call 'that gay bestie who goes shopping with you to get your spirits up' this time. There's no better description for it, I think. Sorry, Don ;)
His chocolate lab has grown so much, she's two years old now and heavy as fuck. She's like a giant furry locomotive that bounds in your direction at full speed and expects you to be happy about it. Thank God the other one is just an old setter who doesn't care about anything but himself (stupid snob); I would've been squashed to death otherwise (nice, good snob).
Don was a sweetheart. We went for looong walks and we found a really cool second-hand-shop (actually it was a crossing between second-hand-shop and antique shop) with a huge collection of vinyl plates and a gigantic cupboard that looked a bit like the one from Narnia and then there was a whole corner dedicated to clothes from the 70s and 80s so I bought a bag from there but it's torn so I have to send it in for repair and I had loads of fun and I realise this sentence is really long and is ceasing to make sense but I had a great time and I regret that I couldn't say bye to Don before I left and say thanks again because really he's a great friend.
...And yeah, I'm only saying this because I know you'll be reading this at some point, Pontre-Brat! :P
/P.
His chocolate lab has grown so much, she's two years old now and heavy as fuck. She's like a giant furry locomotive that bounds in your direction at full speed and expects you to be happy about it. Thank God the other one is just an old setter who doesn't care about anything but himself (stupid snob); I would've been squashed to death otherwise (nice, good snob).
Don was a sweetheart. We went for looong walks and we found a really cool second-hand-shop (actually it was a crossing between second-hand-shop and antique shop) with a huge collection of vinyl plates and a gigantic cupboard that looked a bit like the one from Narnia and then there was a whole corner dedicated to clothes from the 70s and 80s so I bought a bag from there but it's torn so I have to send it in for repair and I had loads of fun and I realise this sentence is really long and is ceasing to make sense but I had a great time and I regret that I couldn't say bye to Don before I left and say thanks again because really he's a great friend.
...And yeah, I'm only saying this because I know you'll be reading this at some point, Pontre-Brat! :P
/P.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
yakuza
We've decided to stay friends. That's good. I didn't want to part as strangers. But I know that as soon as he has a new girlfriend, I'll have to move back into the shadows, for his sake. But he'll understand. No girlfriend wants an ex to still be in contact with her property. But it's not the case yet so I won't dwell on the future. I've learned my lesson about that.
There's one good thing about our break-up: The Distraction is here as of yesterday, which means that I can indulge in his presence without feeling guilty. Though I'll probably just walk around with him and his dogs and not do anything in particular. I don't feel like it at all.
Plus I can have some fun without certain persons reprimanding me for it. As soon as I feel like it. Which is soon. I hope.
/P.
There's one good thing about our break-up: The Distraction is here as of yesterday, which means that I can indulge in his presence without feeling guilty. Though I'll probably just walk around with him and his dogs and not do anything in particular. I don't feel like it at all.
Plus I can have some fun without certain persons reprimanding me for it. As soon as I feel like it. Which is soon. I hope.
/P.
going through changes
Can one get used to loss?
Because somehow, it doesn't matter that much anymore to me. I've just kind of accepted it. I don't know whether this means that I don't care enough or that I am very quick to adapt to the new situation. Okay, I still regret his decision and miss him, but it doesn't affect me as much as I had expected it to. My thoughts are something along the lines of 'Yeah, ok, too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.' And that is definitely not the drama I was expecting of myself (maybe I just don't know myself enough). Whatever it is, I've come to terms with what happened.
Right now, I'm technically free as a bird. But I'm a tamed bird, and before long I will be looking for the next cage to harbour and nurture me. Born and raised in a cage, I'm doomed to look for one all my life until I find the golden prize that will give me the illusion of happiness long enough for me to believe in it even in death.
/P.
Because somehow, it doesn't matter that much anymore to me. I've just kind of accepted it. I don't know whether this means that I don't care enough or that I am very quick to adapt to the new situation. Okay, I still regret his decision and miss him, but it doesn't affect me as much as I had expected it to. My thoughts are something along the lines of 'Yeah, ok, too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.' And that is definitely not the drama I was expecting of myself (maybe I just don't know myself enough). Whatever it is, I've come to terms with what happened.
Right now, I'm technically free as a bird. But I'm a tamed bird, and before long I will be looking for the next cage to harbour and nurture me. Born and raised in a cage, I'm doomed to look for one all my life until I find the golden prize that will give me the illusion of happiness long enough for me to believe in it even in death.
/P.
Friday, February 15, 2013
lift me up, let me go
I should be a prophet or something. It happens as I said every time.
I only wish my premonitions came earlier, before the beginning of a relationship. That way, I wouldn't get hurt so much.
Once again, I would like to say: never make promises you don't intend to keep. It's better to stay silent and surprise with unpromised things than to disappoint with unfulfilled expectations. And if you make promises you do intend to keep, make sure you're actually capable of keeping them. There are cases when just the thought doesn't count after all. Be reasonable and stay with both feet on the ground, no matter how passionate your feelings are - an at least somewhat realistic approach to your relationship can spare both sides from unnecessary pain. Don't let your partner hope for more than you can give them - words, when in love, are powerful, powerful little things.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I probably still am, foolish as it may be.
But, as they say: when love is not madness, it is not love.
And I feel like I must be the maddest of them all...
/P.
And no, we still haven't broken up. Not officially at least. But he told me some things a few days ago and it looks like I'm a clairvoyant after all.
I only wish my premonitions came earlier, before the beginning of a relationship. That way, I wouldn't get hurt so much.
Once again, I would like to say: never make promises you don't intend to keep. It's better to stay silent and surprise with unpromised things than to disappoint with unfulfilled expectations. And if you make promises you do intend to keep, make sure you're actually capable of keeping them. There are cases when just the thought doesn't count after all. Be reasonable and stay with both feet on the ground, no matter how passionate your feelings are - an at least somewhat realistic approach to your relationship can spare both sides from unnecessary pain. Don't let your partner hope for more than you can give them - words, when in love, are powerful, powerful little things.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I probably still am, foolish as it may be.
But, as they say: when love is not madness, it is not love.
And I feel like I must be the maddest of them all...
/P.
And no, we still haven't broken up. Not officially at least. But he told me some things a few days ago and it looks like I'm a clairvoyant after all.
Monday, February 11, 2013
silence before the storm
"I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Don't ever make promises you don't intend to keep. And if you think you're saying the truth, don't say the words too early, because time is more powerful than you can imagine.
/P.
And no, we haven't broken up. But I have a feeling something's coming. And up until now I've never been wrong. How I wish I'm wrong right now...!
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Don't ever make promises you don't intend to keep. And if you think you're saying the truth, don't say the words too early, because time is more powerful than you can imagine.
/P.
And no, we haven't broken up. But I have a feeling something's coming. And up until now I've never been wrong. How I wish I'm wrong right now...!
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