Nuisance

All right, all right. I give in. This blog hasn't been anything more than a rant about S. So I've decided to make a fresh start. No more ranting. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will have a swell time at the grill party. I will ignore S and not mind his shameless flirting around with P and others while looking at me if I saw. I will not let this affect me anymore. S, you're dead. Sorry for you. There, I don't care anymore. Okay I do, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But I'll try hard. No more heart pain for me, thanks.
S, puhleez! Just because you told me once that you loved me and thought that's all you need to do to have me doesn't mean that I'm going to put up with this shit. No way. So get out of my life. Get out of my heart. Now.

So, anyways, 49 days to go until A's back from Africa! :D I'm so looking forward to seeing her again!!! I wonder how she looks like now. After all, it's been half a year... I wonder if she's got herself a permanent sunburn ^^ Of course we stay in contact by mail now, but still... a person can change so much after half a year, not only in matters of appearance but also character. Though from what I read in her mails she's still the old A. Still sarcastic, though with a touch of African slang in her English now (what the hell is "anhomlobho"?!). Of course I must scold our Geography teacher for doing a crosswords puzzle without A around, which equals to a sin in A's eyes. Of course. I wonder if she cut her hair short again... She looked really pretty with a short haircut.

Righto, see you around! :)

px

Poetry

Just some poems I found. I wrote most of them during my depression during OS, some of them are new.

Just For A Second

When I see you standing there

My thoughts just seem to disappear

Though I know our love is going nowhere

I keep watching over you

You try to hide your feelings from me

Not realizing that I know

It's not really hard to see

In your heart you're not my at all

Love me, for a little while

Hold me, and then let me go

But for a second, make me smile

For a second, please be mine...

Seeking Happiness

If my soul was a bird I'd fly

Up into the clouds, towards the sky

Plunge myself into the deep blue sea

And let the flood waves dance with me

I'd spend some time just being happy

Because being with you just makes me sad

Brother Soul

Silver Linings on the floor

Doll of glass in golden chains

Diamond heart is beating fast

Spell bound lock is on the door

Outside it constantly rains

Lives that cannot last

Dearest child...

Mme Butterfly

Pale girl shy

Dark eyes cry

Wants to die

Red Butterfly

Dead Butterfly

Love

flowers

flowers all around me

blue red yellow orange white

a touch

a kiss

three words

and the flowers are in full bloom

love is like spring

To be continued... (if anyone wants me to)

See ya :*

                pxy

PS: How d'ya like my newly designed page? ;)

Lovelorn

I just found the perfect song for all those who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend and regret it:

For all of the times that I tried for your smile
For making you think that I was worth the while
But then love love love made us blind

An apology now after all of this time
Won't make any difference tonight
But im hoping "I'm sorry" will open your mind
To love love love love in your life

For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right (tonight)
So sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry I was falling in love with you (I was falling in love)
Im sorry that it came true but sorry doesn't turn back time


                                                - Skot Suyama , "Sorry That I Loved You"


It's just a small part of the song. But I really liked it. Makes me feel depressed of course but that's probably the point of the song. I had to think of E when I heard it for the first time.


I've been (obviously) really down lately because of an ignorant person in my life who doesn't know the word "forgive". Thank God T invited me to a grill-party yesterday to cheer me up, same as L. L#2 (yep there's another L I know) told me she'd read about Greg and said she was really sorry about it... so sweet of her! 
I just hope there'll be a positive turn in my life some time soon... it's been to mean to me lately. Life, I mean. A breakup would make me feel awkward but I think I should do it because what's the point of having a boyfriend you first haven't seen for 2 weeks and then he gets mad at you after you've been missing him and you haven't even had the chance to properly say hi to him ever since, not talking about spending some time together. Jerk. I hate him. 
I like him too much. Why?

Hmmm

Okaaay... That didn't work out the way I had hoped. Wow I didn't even know how many people already know, no wonder S was so pissed the other day! :/ He still is, but you can see he's starting to just pretend he's that pissed at me ^^ Oh well, T told me - as always - that I'm an idiot for tolerating him and even speaking to him since he's not even worth breathing the same air as I do (that was really flattering...). L told me I was lucky to have a guy interested in me. My ass: he's not interested, he's been fucking ignorant! So I'll stick to T's theory. I'm too warm-hearted to not give in;of course that makes me a very vulnerable person. But who said vulnerable persons can't be strong? I'll be strong. One day I might actually be able to get out of my own way and punch him for everything he's done... ;) Until then, I guess I'll just have to stay put and be patient. At least that's one thing I'm good at.
But please, S, hurry the fuck up and stop pouting, or I'll actually lose my fucking patience!
Now I'm mad.

:*
pxy

Vulnerable, Gullible Thing

The title says it all. I feel down. Tomorrow I shall talk to him and clear this mess once and for all, and if he stays stubbornly ignorant the he shall die for me. That's my way of protecting myself. If I have the problem of falling in love too easily, then let me also forget easily. It's not true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger; it takes a piece of you away, one by one, until there's nothing left. Then I'll die.

Happy Yesterday, Lonely Today, Dead Tomorrow

Succeeded in being optimistic today, actually started laughing because of L. She totally knows how to cheer me up, even if she didn't know she was.
S is mad at me because I "told" E about us, but well, who would have expected someone I know reads my blog? ;)
I hate it when he's mad at me. I mean it was so obvious he's been hitting on me for ages, and even Alex asked me if there was something going on between us. And he was never told a word. I don't understand what's the big deal. Everyone will know soon enough, without me doing anything. Gossip will spread, people will see us e.g. holding hands somewhere in town, I don't know, anything. So why not admit it? Frustrating.
He can be so cold, jeez.
Tried to reach Gregory's mom, she wouldn't pick up the phone, but I'm not going to give up that easily. I want to know where he's gonna be buried. She should stop ignoring me just because I stood up for Gregory and told her she was stupid to be angry at him for being gay. I was so mad at her then. But she should understand.

I've decided to give love a chance. If he really thinks he loves me, I'l love him back. :) If he's just playing, then too bad, why should I cry for something that wasn't worth it.

:* pxy

Him

He called, briefly, said a few words, hung up. Left. Gregory. He's done it. I had hoped he wouldn't. But he did. He's gone. I hope he finds peace. I really loved him. My Gregory.