so give me back the feeling only you can bring me

I hid the long post. It's for the better.
I used one of the soaps today and I smell like a citrus tree - so basically fabulous. :)

I'm a jealous, needy, spoiled and materialistic person. It's true. And I can't help it. But I also like giving things. I like spoiling people, making little surprises and whatnot. I like to know a lot about others because it's easier to make them happy. It's easier to know how to console them, or how to surprise them, or how to make them laugh.

I have a weak heart. I cry easily, laugh easily... I get hurt easily. You call it over-sensitive. I can't change my heart. If I could, I would. Do you think I like to be angry or sad over things, just like that? I'm not asking anybody to walk on tiptoes around me. Hell no. I just want you to know that things that don't have much meaning to you maybe mean a lot to me. Like when you keep forgetting things about me. I know you care, but in that specific moment I feel like you don't.

When I love someone, I give my everything. A friend once told me there's nothing more dangerous than giving your everything, because in the end you're left with nothing. But I feel like it's only sincere when I can say that yes, I am putting everything I have to give into a relationship, because what else can I do? Why should I withhold things? Why should I ration my feelings and experiences?  On the on the other hand, I risk losing everything. It's terrifying, but at the same time I can't help thinking that it's worth it.

I keep getting upset at GC. Then I think of the way he looks at me, the way his eyes soften and grow warm. The way he sounds when he talks about things he enjoys. And then I fall for him all over again, you know? He still makes me crazy.
The eternal question being, of course: do I still make him crazy?

so much to do

I still haven't done all my washing, I have to open a new account and I need to buy stuff for GC's parcel...

(There! there is fucking is again! I need to. I don't need to do anything. I want to. And that's my big fucking problem. I want to get him things and then I spoil him too much and so he's starting to take me for granted. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED FOR FUCK'S SAKE DO YOU HEAR ME)

Then I have to clean my room and do a loooooong session of dusting (I'm already crying), then I have to clean the bathroom, then I have to buy food for the rest of the week...

And I still need to work on my final essay. Fuck. Shit.

you know what?

Fuck it. I like my present.
I needed a new eyeliner, and I love that kind of soap. Plus, he likes it too, so I'll smell nice to the both of us. I don't know whether the nail polish looks nice yet. But who cares? I only use polish on my toes, and my toes always look fabulous, no matter what. So there. Fuck it. I like it.

and to finish off the subject

The worst part is I get upset but then I look at him and think "god damn I love this guy with all my heart" and I just can't be upset anymore...

sorry for complaining so much

I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I know I complain too much. I know. I know.

I would never tell him. I don't want to upset him just because I'm being oversensitive and stupid.

got my present

Useful? Yes. Unexpected? Yes. Romantic? No. Worth the two-month wait? No.

When I say cliché I mean the romantic kind of cliché, not the "i don't know you well enough to get you something special" cliché. I mean, yeah I need some of those things, they're useful, they're okay. But that's the thing. They're just okay. Nothing more. They won't remind me of him whenever I see them or whatever. I know, it's stupid of me. I said I didn't want anything, so I shouldn't be complaining. But you see, I just thought maybe he might think of something sweeter. I don't know. It's silly. Shit.

It's just that now I kind of feel stupid for breaking my head over what to get him. I feel like I'm the one who's trying too hard again.

I wish I didn't act so stupid. I wish I wasn't so spoiled. I wish I didn't feel upset over silly things like this.

Maybe it's because of my state in general. Everything gets to me. Everything. I keep crying. I hate it. I hate it so much.

i'm back

I'm back. And I'm exhausted. And I feel like crying for hours. And I still don't have a birthday present for GC. And I can't sleep. And I'm really really scared.