it's been a while

I was in Liverpool until last Saturday, so I haven't been around enough to bother to write something on here.

Liverpool was nice. I visited a lot of places and got my British English back (I switch back to American from time to time though).

Being away for a month also made me realise a few things.

- Usually when it comes to relationships, I never manage to keep them up longer than 3 months. Another thing is that I tend to care more for my partner than they do for me. I've been together with GC for almost 7 months now. And you know what? I feel like this time, we both care equally. And I'm happy.

- I am not afraid of getting hurt when GC has anger outbursts. I trust him not to hurt me physically, let alone intentionally. But I am afraid that one day he will go too far and either land in hospital or make somebody else land in hospital. He has anger issues. I understand that he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration, and I understand that it's hard to cope with additional stress and provocation. However, it might get him killed if he goes too far once too many. And that's what I'm afraid of.

- My body is mine and mine alone. I have to live in it. And I have to learn to love my home. I don't want to be influenced by others in terms of how I should look like. I want to learn to how love myself and love my body, and learn how not to constantly compare myself to others. I want to learn how to look into a mirror without finding flaws and instead to find good aspects and feel good about myself. Because I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Simple.

- Having a lot of sex doesn't mean that you're "easy" or a slut. I enjoy it and I'm comfortable with that. No "masterkey" and "bad lock" bullshit. Like, what the fuck? I can't enjoy having glorious sex with whomever I choose because "it's not right"? Fuck you. Fuck you right up your bigoted ass.

- I need lots of sleep. Recently I've been going to bed earlier and I have never felt better. I can concentrate so much better, and coffee is a thing of the past. Sleeping early has also taught me to organise my timetable in a way that I can get everything that needs to be done before 8 pm. That way, I still have some time for other stuff, but without the stress of having uncompleted tasks that need my attention.

- Absence makes the heart go fonder, and the body horny as fuck. That is all.

Fuck post titles

I'm a fucking disgrace.

Like, I have been drinkin up my entire supply of beer since 2pm because, well, fuck life. And then when I finished the beer and had sobered up a bit (yes I sober up very fast which is also fucking terrible if your main goal is to stay as fucking drunk as fucking possible) I started thinking again so I found this magnificent bottle of vodka in the kitchen so guess what I've been taking shots isn't that fucking wonderful. And it's really amazing how well I can type by now it's probably because I'm doing it really slowly so I get all the buttons right especially cause I'm on mobile so yeah go me at least one thing I can do.

As I said I'm a disgrace because

a) I have to drink to get my thoughts off things

b) what kind of normal non-disgraceful person can become so lonely so quickly I mean come on

c) I an romantically and sexually frustrated because I'm used to being cared for all the time but when I have the house for me alone for a week nobody's here and he isn't either so what's the fucking point

d) I'm lonely I get lonely so quickly like BAM alone = lonely in my case

So yeah rant over I need to go to bed or I'll do something stupid.

we can dance if we want make it feel alright

Dev song lyrics prove to be perfect post titles.

I'm sick today because I have some kind of mild food poisoning, so fuck the food they serve here if my stomach can't even hold it. I was so pissed this morning because I had an exam in the first lesson and I'd been studying really hard but oh no my stomach absolutely had to decide to start rebelling a 3 o'clock in the morning, leaving me awake until 6:30, which is when I finally gave up and called the prefect to call in sick. And tomorrow I have a presentation in German but that's easy peasy. Thank God.

Since GC will be very busy soon with his final exams, I feel like time is slipping away and I can't spend enough time with him to make up for the future lonely days and nights. I can't get enough of him.
What I need is, I want an entire day to ourselves, without anybody needing anything from either of us or any chores to do or anything like that at all. Just us. For a day. And lots of time to do stuff and we all know where this is going so I'll jut shut up now.

I wish we had some pictures together... But I only have separate pictures of him and most of them are just silly, except the one where he's leaning against the door frame looking outside, but you can't see his face so it doesn't count, even if it's my favourite picture of him. I need something I can frame. I'm quite old-fashioned when it comes to that, to be honest. I like old-school photo albums and all that. It creates such a nice nostalgic feeling.

/P.

love me like you say you do

The first question that popped into my mind the day I let go of father was - is GC worth it? Is he worth throwing away an entire relationship? I looked at him and saw his helpless anger and his failure to understand how a parent could treat their child like my father treated me and I saw how much I loved him and I thought, yes. Yes, he is worth all the pain and trouble. He is worth everything.

Today I asked myself the same question yet again. This time after more time spent together, and in the face of lonely months to come when I'll still be here and he'll be away, away, away, busy and distant. And yet again the answer I gave myself was, yes.

But I didn't know if he'd answer the same.

Am I worth the trouble to him? Am I still worth it? God knows I have so many faults and I act so damned childish and possessive towards him that I really wonder why he sticks around. I'm so used to hearing empty words that I don't know how to distinguish them from real ones. And I swear I have never wished for those words to be true more than now when I hear them from his lips and when I feel them against my neck. I have never longed to hear them as much as now when I know what they taste like when he breathes them in between kisses. But no matter how much I wish for them to be true, no matter how much I believe him when he tells me, something in my brain keeps telling me time and again that I am not worthy of his love and that one day, one day my realization will hit him too. And that will hurt more than anything has hurt me before.

/P.

stubborn as a mule tbh

There's this thing about GC that he lets people affect him so much that he feels sick. It happens to me too, but it hurts to watch the same thing happen to him. The worst thing is, he doesn't like to show it. He just kind of suffers in silence and refuses to acknowledge that I can see that he's bothered by something. And I can't do anything to help him because of it. I hate it so much. Not being able to make his pain go away.

/P.

things i'm terrified of

• the future
• the past
• insignificance
• oblivion
• being a disappointment
• being insecure

The list could go on and on.

The worst part is that the last thing on the list is at the same time something that makes me angry so much I want to destroy something.

/P. 

i'm worse than most fourteen-year-old horny boys and that means something

I've been writing more and more poetry recently. All I can write is poetry, actually. Nothing else comes out when I try.

I also feel like a rabbit in heat. In the good way. Except having sex at school is a big big no-no, so I have to waaaait and waaaaaaaaait and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.