wooden heart

The exams were boring as fuck, I kept falling asleep after completing the tasks - what others needed one hour for I had finished in twenty minutes and I wasn't allowed to leave the room before all the others had finished so go figure how infinitely bored I was. So I kind of just caught up with the sleep I'd missed in the morning since I had to wake up at 5 a.m. to be in Chur at 7:30. And then I did my homework at GC's place and waited for him to come home and then I went to sleep because I was exhausted.

And then came the nightmares. I haven't had them in ages (and when I say in ages I mean like one and a half years at least). They were the same as back then. Recurring nightmares. I hate them. So naturally I slept really badly and felt like shit in the morning but I had to force GC out of bed because he had a music rehearsal. And then I went back t sleep, kept waking up but not that often. GC woke me up at 1:00 p.m. when he'd come back from rehearsals and by then I guess I had gotten just enough sleep to function. An espresso did the rest of the job, thank God.

Then I kept trying to suppress outbursts of tears because the Sads have kicked in as I already said. I felt better later because we went for a walk and then had a shower and stuff so the pressure went away mostly but that doesn't change the fact that I've gotten worse so tomorrow I'm calling my psychotwat and telling her to recommend me to someone over here.

So yeah. Sorry for the rant. I need to get all the negative stuff out of my system or one day I swear I'll explode.

Nevertheless I had fun today, at least for the past few hours - it was really sunny today and we made cookie dough for tomorrow to bake, I'm looking forward to it. It feels surreal - surreal but wonderful - that even though it's Sunday I don't have to rush back to the dorms. I can just relax and stay here and be with GC. Me likey.

/P.

intro vs rainymood - the xx

Wow I was so tired today I almost fell asleep during lunch break. Okay I did fall asleep but it was for like 5 minutes so it was more of a power nap than anything else.
Tomorrow's finally Friday!! And that means that I'm staying over at GC's again ^-^ All the way until Monday, this time. Mmmm long weekend. Me likey.

I've been writing poetry again lately, but it feels different. More abstract and less rhymes. Tumblr influence? Maybe. I miss my old writing though.

The Sads have kicked in, but it doesn't feel like the usual Sads. They're far less intense, so to speak. It's been going on for at least two or three weeks. It's just becoming harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm tearing up and stuff. Sometimes it's so bad that I can't say anything because I know my voice will break and I'll start crying like a baby.

My half-sister sent me loads of "kisiel" by post and I'm eating away and it makes me ridiculously happy. Haven't had it in ages. Good stuff. Good times. :)

Aaand on Monday I have half a day off so GC and I are planning to make a shit ton of Christmas cookies which will be epic and tasty and ah life isn't bad at all it's pretty great in fact if it weren't for the Sads... I'm so happy, you see, despite the Sads. I can laugh and I feel good. Which is awesome. (That doesn't change the fact that I need to stand up to my father and speak my mind or I'll never break free)

/P.

you're evil. - i know.

I enjoy bullying him. I like to see how far I can push him. And he bears with it heroically, I must admit. gosh the things he has to deal with when he's with me... I almost feel sorry for him, but then again he hasn't really complained yet so I guess it's fine. He's the type to speak his mind.
But then again I can't bear to see him sad. It's painful.
D used to say that I'm too empathetic but I think it's more - or is it simpler? - than that. I care for him, and I care with him.

/P.

snapchat

I'm beginning to feel very comfortable with being myself in public. As in: being awkward, discussing male vs female hotness, getting angry and telling people they annoy me without bottling it up, doodling smileys on other people's papers, blowing kisses to BS when we're hating on each other, making sex jokes and googling "dirty sanchez" because it seemed to be  funny idea. It's not that I was pretending to be someone else before, it's more like I'm opening up more. I've stopped holding back. I'm my old impulsive self again, I guess :)

Not everyone takes it well, of course, but they'll get used to it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I'm not here for their entertainment, to put it simply.

/P.

secret santa

It's Christmas soon and as always I have no idea what presents to get. And when. I might go next Saturday since I'm in Chur anyway, actually.
I kind of really want to spend Sylvester with GC, but for certain reasons (*cough* my father *cough*) I can't. But I'm determined to stay at his place for at least the last two-three days of the holidays, so. Gosh I can't imagine not seeing him for two whole weeks... Ugh.

We're playing Secret Santa in the dorm and I have one of the young ones and I totally have no idea what she likes so I'm just gonna pile sweets upon her and hope she likes them :P Got her gummy bears today.

I've also gone back to abstract doodling; it relaxes me. I might risk doodling in different colours soon - up until now I've only ever used a pencil. I also need to get on with my sketch book for school (I need to have 15 sketches by the end of the semester and I only have 6) and I have to design my cover which I still haven't done and which also needs to be handed in by the end of the semester, which is soon.

I need to get more sleep this week, or GC will have to put up with me sleeping through the entire weekend at his place ;P

/P.

new friend old friend

I've made an internet friend, go me. Her name is Robyn and she's on tumblr. We don't talk much, just the occasional message, but it's quite interesting to talk to a person I have never met but who has similar interests to mine and just wants to meet new people. I like talking to her.

ZL visited yesterday. It was fun catching up on things. I had half expected it to be a bit awkward but we kind of fell into our old rhythm almost immediately, just like it used to be. Only that we're a bit older and a bit more mature now. Which isn't a problem, of course.

/P.

abridged (and probs romanticized) version of last evening

"What have you done to me?" I ask. His cheek is scratchy under my fingers.
"I should ask you the same thing." He props himself up on one arm. "You make me crazy."
"I love you." It has become easier to say it over time.
"Jeu hai bugen tei", he says back. "I like saying it. It sounds much better than jeu carezzel tei, to be honest." He sighs. "I love you way too much."
I frown. "Can one love too much? Is it a bad thing?"
"That depends on you." He kisses me.
I pull away. "No it doesn't. It you who says it. Why can it be a bad thing?"
Now it's his turn to frown. "I guess... It's because it's dangerous."
My chest tightens. "Well then we're both taking the same risk. So bring it on."
He smiles.
------------------------------
"I don't want to fall asleep alone", he says, and wraps his arms tightly around me. "I don't want you to leave."
"I can't help it", I answer. Doors close at ten, that's the iron rule.
"You know, we see each other every day, but we can never actually do anything."
I smile. "Like what?"
He puffs his cheeks. "There are so many things I want to do with you, so many places I want to go..." He trails off.
"We have the weekends", I say weakly. I know it doesn't count.
"I hate this. I don't want to fall asleep by myself", he says again and hides his face in the pillow. He hugs me tighter yet and I feel his heartbeat against my skin. It's always so incredibly loud; a big, strong heart. Like him.
"Neither do I", I whisper.

So I'm not the only one after all. Not being with him throws me off my regular pace, especially since it's the weekend. I couldn't sleep properly Saturday night because I kept waking up, feeling for his body in the dark, but then realizing that I was in my own room, in my own bed, and not in his. Of course I'll never tell him that. But he feels the same. It's sad and wonderful at the same time.
Ah, young love.

/P.