maybe because i attract jerks way too often

The thing with me and guys is that I never know what to expect.

Until I was thirteen, I was completely ignorant of how to dress or how to look after my body and act girly. I was awfully innocent and so oblivious it makes me cringe. Then I realised that I liked wearing nice clothes and that makeup wasn't something incomprehensible after all. I started noticing guys as more than just friends - I used to be a tomboy before. I began to worry about body weight and my figure. Kinda late if you ask me.

From the experience I've gathered with guys, most of them only act nice when they want something from me (be it a relationship or just a partner to make out with once in a while). There is no such thing as friendship between a guy and me. Of course there are exceptions, but they're more because the guy is either already taken or not the type to hit on anything in the next few years. Back to the point: I'm practically incapable to regard a cute dude who's nice to me as just a friend and not a potential 'more than a friend'. There are too few innocent guys out there for that to be possible. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense in any way, but that's what I feel. It's like I think that you're either flirting with me or you ignore me, and there's nothing in between. Of course, one could say that my opinion of myself is too high if I have such thoughts. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe I'm just used to only being approached by guys who want something from me. Maybe it's just my bad luck. I really honestly don't know.
Also, paradoxically, when a guy definitely shows interest in me, I don't seem to able to believe it because why would they want something from me of all people? I'm not that special, there are loads of prettier and better girls than me. So for all I know I might have been friendzoning a shitload of people just because I don't believe they'd ever want anything from me. Yep, I'm a walking paradox.

So what I wanted to say is, I never know how I should react - act coy and cute or just ignore the kindness and put it off as being friendly? With some I know, with others I really don't. Like, the baby-faced gentleman: why is he so nice to me? Is he that nice to everyone? Does he tease all the girls like that? Isn't he in love with the other girl in the first place? What is his motive? They all have motives, always. So you see why I can't help being confused.

Phew. When I'll re-read this tomorrow I'll probably smack myself and say: dafuq were you thinking girl? But for now it makes perfect sense.

/P.

oversized shirt

So I thought it was a hangover but it turns out I'm actually sick. I have to admit that I haven't been eating much recently so my body must be protesting now. I just don't have the time and then I forget I was hungry. Or I just don't feel like it in the first place. But I'm constantly thirsty.

My headache is starting again so I guess I'll sleep a bit and then finish my history homework.
I wish I was out of school already...

/P.

mess me up so good

So I went to a party yesterday, and I had fun. Also I'm no longer scared of drunk me, I suppose.
There was an adorably hot guy (Italian... Oh his smile...) with whom I expected to hook up by midnight, buuut it didn't happen. Sniff. Instead I ended up with another dude, also cute, but not that cute. Oh well. I came back around half past six, the sky was beautiful and the birds were singing... I don't remember the last time I'd seen a sunrise and heard so many birds. I instantly felt really happy.
Now I'm nursing the remains of my hangover (surprisingly I have one though I had already sobered up towards two o'clock) and hoping to get some work done. God I don't feel like getting out of bed. Ugh.

/P.

sneak peek

What's going on in my head?

Many things. Usually a few things at the same time. I call it parallel thinking.
Scary things. Like killing people and the monster hiding in my closet and the shadow man following my every step but when I turn around he isn't there.
Pleasant things. Like a new recipe I found for strawberry jam and the bright sky after the rain and my soft bed.
Funny things. Like YD's jokes and filming a scene but failing because everyone's laughing their heads off and my face when I squash it while looking into a mirror.
Sad things. Like coming back home but feeling like I want to go out again as soon as possible and my brother being late again and missing my bunny rabbit.
Freaky things. Like wanting to learn how to fly and imagining that I have telekinetic abilities and pretending that time stands still so I can scream into my pillow as long as I want but no-one can hear so no-one can disturb me.
Things that make me "me". Things that make me hope that I'm not the only one like this. Things that make me scared that I might be crazy after all.
I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal and live a normal life. I don't want to be shut out because I'm different. I want to be me, but it's so hard that I prefer being someone else instead. So which is which?

myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault

He was supposed to come back at 17:30. He's late again.
Where is he?
What if something happened and we won't know until it's too late?

Come back, little brother.

/P.

Awolnation

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Maybe I'm a different breed
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Mistake...?

I had sex with Don.
I shouldn't have done that. I should NOT have done that. But I did, of course. Of course I did. It's me. I'm bound to fuck up at some point.
Now what will I do? I don't think I'll be able to look into his eyes again. It's so awkward.
I feel like we've crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed. Sure, the sex was good, but it wasn't right. I can't really explain it. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I mean okay, I've always called him a friend with benefits but we've never gone further than kissing. He was basically a best friend, a shoulder to cry on and a kissing booth in one person. And now we've had sex. Now what?

/P.