weird chocolate gummybear muffin thing

It's all set GC is coming to Basel this weekend woooooooo!!!

It's a fucking surprising awesome plot twist because a) my mom said yes immediately and b) he can actually come over like whaaat ohmygod...!!!!

And yes I am quite content with this FUCKING EPIC turn of events :)

Herbstmesse, here I come...

/P.

conversations

Is he just a boytoy to me? I don't know. I don't think so.
I know I enjoy being with him and that it would be nice if his feelings towards me were sincere. It would be nice to know that for once, a guy likes me for who I am and genuinely cares for me. It would be so nice.

/P.

venus in furs

Apparently my general image is that of an innocent, slightly prude girl with no experience whatsoever. A girl who still has to grow up to know the big bad world.
Newsflash, motherfuckers: Don't judge by appearances. I may dress innocent/tomboyish/chic (which is just a clothing style for fuck's sake) but that doesn't automatically imply the nature of my character. Neither does the fact that I want to succeed at school. Jesus, guys, really.
Though I must say it was very entertaining to see GC's surprised face.
I stayed over at his place over the weekend. Which was definitely not a bad decision. (Lemme brag a bit here.)
We had lots of fun, most of which involved staying locked up in his room. I wish I could have just stayed there... it's so much more cosy and, well, sexy. I mean come on, who wouldn't want to wake up every morning with a cute guy kissing your neck and throwing a casual "g'morning" before seducing you into morning sex? And then as a bonus feature you get a back massage. Mmmm I could live a lifetime like this. For once I enjoy being spoiled... ;)

/P.

his jumper my jumper

OKAY so self-perception is very important. I need to work on that. I have tremendously low self-esteem and this needs to change immediately. The morning "you're beautiful" mantra is utter bullshit, I've tried. Now I just want to focus on feeling good. As in, eating as much as I want, wearing what I want etcetera without worrying if it looks good enough to be seen in public. As long as I feel good, I'll start to look good. Kinda a side effect.
Starting now, I'll try to focus on my good sides, not just my bad sides when I look into a mirror. And I'll try to bring out my good sides even more.
I want to change for the better. I want to be desirable. But this time, I want to be desirable to myself, not to others. There's a difference.

/P.

triangle thingy

Okay so this whole thing is turning into a really cliché love triangle novel thing. TB keeps warning me about GC and I think some of TB's accusations are actually not that unfounded as I initially thought, especially that rumour he told me. But I think it's fair to give GC a chance because it looks like he's changed for the better over time. At least I sincerely hope he has.
I don't know what to do with TB. I mean it's crystal clear to just about everyone that he cares a lot about me but he seems fine to be in the friendzone for now.Maybe he's hoping that I'll run to him as soon as I get disappointed by GC or something. But he's honest and straightforward about his feelings so it's not even such a bad thing.
I haven't talked to the puppy in days. Maybe it's for the better. He should forget me as soon as possible.

/P.

these boots are made for walking

I like to be in control of things. I like predictable situations and people whom I can manipulate into doing what I want. But I like to be challenged, too. I like to fight for control over people because it's just ten times sweeter that way.Which sounds sick, I know. Strangely enough (cough, cough) I don't care.

 Am I heartless or just crazy? Or maybe both?

entertain me

The thing is that I seem to mirror people's feelings for me. If a guy shows me that he likes me and talks to me and makes a move on me, I just kind of go along with it and my feelings just adjust themselves. I think "adjust" is actually a pretty accurate description. The puppy flirted with me and then fell in love. I loved him back. Now that he's away, I realize that it's a lie when I tell him I love him. I just like him as a person now. And then there's GC who's close and in my reach and also cares for me. So I care for him too. It's like I'm just a mirror. I'm incapable of really loving, so I basically live off other people' feelings. And that makes me hate myself.

/P.

Quincy likes me more

Ok so I may or may not have spent over five hours at GC's place yesterday. And we may or may not be going out now. Which may or may not feel very, very nice. (Plus I get to see his gay dogs more now :P)

I'll be going to Danzig this weekend for a funeral, I really don't want to go. I didn't even know my uncle that well. And it's a damn hassle to travel around half the globe just for the funeral of someone I don't even remember. I mean really.

/P.

Update

So I went to GC's after all.

We walked his two (adorable, tiny, fluffy, 100% gay) dogs for about an hour and talked. Then we watched Monty Python sketches in his room and talked. Then he drove me to the school and we talked a bit more.

That's it. Nothing happened. Again.

I'm just so used to a faster pace than this, honestly. It's frustrating. I don't know whether he's taking it really realyl slow or whether this is simply as far as he'll ever go or.... Ugh, I just don't know.

Like, he jokingly suggested I stay the night. I mean that's pretty straight-forward, right? But then again he's never hugged me (except to say hi and bye) or kissed me or held my hand or touched me significantly in any way whatsoever. What the hell???

/P.

liar liar mom on fire

Dropping by at GC's before going back to the school. Not sure whether it's a clever idea, but hey, when have I ever made a wise decision in my life?
It'll probably turn out to be as innocent as the "date" at the bar. What could possibly go wrong?
(This is really beginning to sound like the opening to a horror film)

/P.

winky face

Been texting dorkly GC a lot lately. I wonder what'll happen after the holidays... I'm looking forward to it though, whatever it is.

TB is in Kenya on a Safari trip (yeah omg I know, right?? I'm jealous too) so there isn't much to update on his side.

By the way, I have a (unsettling? or is it exciting?) feeling that I'm to expect some kind of date at a completely deserted swimming pool which may or may not involve skinny dipping (depends on how far he's ready to take things). I really do wonder, though. How far Dorkly wants to take things, I mean. He hasn't done much so far, except flirting excessively during texting and, well, inviting me for that one drink. And yet he keeps bugging me. Or teasing, depending on how you look at it. Ugh.

/P.

*evil laugh*

Bullying TB is more fun than I thought... It's actually pretty hilarious. Especially because he is currently drunk texting me and does anything I tell him to. God this is sick. But so much fun, oh my, oh my!!!

/P.

I really need to stop the poor thing will embarrass himself
Okay he already has
Told him to send me a video begging for forgiveness
And he did
Oh God
I'm dying