toot toot, princess in da house!

The party was fine. I didn't drink a drop of alcohol (yay achievement unlocked). I met an old friend (small world), made two new ones (big world), and saw things I probably shouldn't have but it's their fault for not getting a room, so.
And then when my feet were aching I took off my shoes and wanted to go home barefoot, but LS and JdB wouldn't let me so LS forced me to sit on his bicycle while JdB took my shoes and bag so I was basically escorted home on a metal horse like a lady. It was awkward as fuck. But funny.
Now I need to pack and get ready, I'm leaving in an hour...

/P.

those crippled birds gonna sing gonna sing

It's going amazingly well... Thank God. But it's less physical nonetheless. Oh well, I guess that was a given.

Tonight is party night, hell I need it. Maybe I'll assault him for being less physical. Or I'll cry my eyes out to ZP. Or I'll get myself another boyfriend since I'm such a talent at it. Or I'll hit on babyface. Or I won't go at all.
I will. But I'm kinda scared of drunk me.

/P.

marble muffins (with sprinkles?)

I'm a very sentimental person. I don't like to throw things, and I tend to keep useless stuff for old times' sake.
Mostly it's nice to have something to remember the past, but sometimes those memories aren't all that good; keeping stuff that remind me of such things isn't the best idea. But still I cling on to the past, even though I know perfectly well that I shouldn't.

Sometimes I'm tired. Just really tired. With everything... With life in general, really. And then I turn into this bitter, hopeless version of me who couldn't care less about anything. It's probably some kind of protective wall that my brain builds around my emotional balance - the less you care the less it matters the less it hurts. But is that really true?

/P.

i did it for the lulz

I'd love to wallow in self-pity for a bit more but enough is enough.

I had a great day yesterday, rehearsals are really fun and I can't wait for the actual thing. We invested so much energy and time into transforming the whole Aula into a completely different place... I can't believe it myself. I think we're one of the few who'll really work with the whole room and use this much decoration. And the make-up artist is pretty boss. So yeah, it's gonna be great.
I still need to work on my voice and my laugh, though. It's really hard.

And I've decided to quit the IB. I've had enough. I guess I've just reached my limit - now I just want to focus on getting a Swiss matura and that's enough.

/P.

And JB would be the most popular guy in school if he lived in Japan. Just sayin'.

running from a war zone

It's hard to let go. Sure, I'm fucking pissed and my ego has taken quite a blow, but it's still hard to grasp that it's over. Even if I said the words first. It's just so unreal, I think. Because I'm never going to see him again - I refuse to. It's by my own choice, but then why is it so fucking difficult?
I just want to be happy... Is that too much to ask for?

/P.

ANDTHENTHEWORLDFUCKINGEXPLODED

"So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made"

I'm a fool when it comes to love. I've said this a few tomes already, I know. But my brain doesn't seem to want to get the message that I just shouldn't be let near any kind of romantic feelings, period.
I could punch myself in the face if I had the guts to do it.

/P.

if you cut me wide open

I've decided not to take the initiative anymore. Now it's his turn to make a move.
What's the point in being taken for granted? I need to be conquered over and over again; my feelings are volatile, just like your chances. Unless you're the special one for me. But how am I supposed to tell?

Woo-oo, love me like you say you do...

/P.

tyrant

I dreamt of D last night. It's strange, I haven't thought of him at all until now. Not since he wrote the mail, that is. And even then he was just a fleeting image, something long forgotten that resurfaced for a brief moment and then went down again in the depths of my memory. I don't mind. He's just a part of my past now.
When I think about, it's sad. How people become less important, how they start to fade away until they don't exist anymore in my little world. I know I've faded away in many worlds already. It makes me feel so tiny, so unimportant in the big picture. Let's be honest, I'm merely an insignificant little speck of dust in this huge world, this great plan. Of course, I can choose to change that. I can choose to become something important. Something with an impact. Something that matters.

/P.

dreaming out loud

"I holler like a king trying to keep his throne
But chewing on a stone is the only thing I own
Drugs and lovers
Nothing left under the covers"

-But there is. Wake up, little girl. He's still there, he hasn't left you yet. Stop being afraid of things that don't even exist.
-What about the monster in my closet?
-It's not the monster in your closet you should be afraid of. The monster inside of you is far scarier.
-You just told me not to be afraid...
-I did. You have to face your fears and fight them. Then you'll never be afraid.
-Why?
-Because you're your own worst enemy, my child.

/P.

runaway train

"I can't believe the things you say
They echo what I fear
Twisting the bones until they snap
I scream but no one knows"

And yet it feels like heaven when I close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat:

'Honey, I'm home.'
Then the world explodes.

/P.

we're all blind to everything but ourselves

I can take rejection with a poker face.
Practice or talent?
Go me.

/P.

Oh for fucks sake, can I be more pathetic?! Whatever.

joystick 2.0

Yeah. Well.

I've never felt embarrassed about a kiss mark. This time I felt like a little girl hiding the fact that she ate all the nutella in the house. Or something.
I think the main reason is that I'm kinda crushing on Utah and don't want to seem like I'm not serious or something. I am serious. If he'd finally make up his mind, that would be great, because I've said all I have to say; now it's his turn. The thing is that I can't commit to him unless it's official. I won't stop seeing other people just because I have a crush on him. If i wait and it might be in vain then I may just as well enjoy myself anyway.
And yes, I realise this makes me awfully shallow, but what the hell, I'm enjoying myself.

/P.

Dirge in the Woods (George Meredith)

A wind sways the pines,
And below
Not a breath of wild air;
Still as the mosses that glow
On the flooring and over the lines
Of the roots here and there.
The pine-tree drops its dead;
They are quiet, as under the sea.
Overhead, overhead
Rushes life in a race,
As the clouds the clouds chase;
And we go,
And we drop like the fruits of the tree,
Even we,
Even so.

glitter nail polish

To whom it may concern: if you promise me a date, ask me out. Don't make me wait like an idiot.

Kudos to LC and SK for making my day for two days straight; you guys are the best. And LC, though you'll probably be forever friendzoned by most of the girls I know (it's really sad actually; what a waste), don't worry - I'm sure your mother promised you off to some Italo girl already... ;)

Speaking of promises, I've always wanted to see LR smack someone against a wall. Just saying.

/P.

holy crap is it that bad?

Okay, just to get a few things straight (with myself more than anyone, really):
-I may be sexually frustrated, but I wouldn't go out with someone just for the sex. If I gave anyone that impression, it's wrong.
-I want to be loved; not in the physical way (which is basically more of a pleasant side effect of the actual thing) but emotionally, whole-heartedly, the whole shazam. I need human affection to keep going.
-I like attention, just like any other girl, but I don't act up to get that attention. If you think my behaviour is overdone or faked, it isn't. I really am this crazy. I'm a drama queen. That's just me.
-I may constantly talk about wanting to hook up or have a boyfriend, but in the end, it's just a single girl complaining. Like a hungry girl would about wanting a burger.
-I don't want a boyfriend because I don't want to be alone. That would be using that person for a egoistic reason. No matter how lonely I may feel, I will never get together with someone for the sake of getting together or not being alone anymore. Get that into your head.

Phew.

/P.

missing joystick

Well, that settles it. The ex won't be bothering me again. No more listening to him feeling sorry for himself.
Mom thinks it's funny.
I think it's pathetic.

I still have to write to father about the summer holidays... But I honestly don't feel like explaining myself like a guilty little school girl about a matter that's already settled.

D wrote. I was surprised. It's good to hear from him again, I was curious what he was up to. It seems like he's thinking about quitting school, but I told him not to. He has a talent for architecture and it shouldn't be wasted. But who am I to tell him what's right and what's wrong, apparently I'm a blind idiot in these things.

/P.

another day of nonsensical existence

I need some kind of sense in my life. A goal or an inspiration. Motivation to move on and not give up. Something worth living for.

/P.

dumbest reason ever, like seriously what the fuck

Decided to give the ex a second chance to prove himself after he'd begged me for quite some time. Or so he thinks. I won't be fooled twice, no sir. Maybe I'll make him do stuff to prove his worth... that could be fun. Then again I don't wanna be mean. Oh the dilemma...

/P.