We were supposed to have a photo shooting yesterday but the director forgot so I went for two banana splits with YD and Utah, which was fun, and then watched Django with them, which was pretty badass. Had my head on his shoulder through the whole film - now that I think of it I have no idea why I did, but it felt nice. Also I now don't know what to do as I always interpret too much into stuff when I shouldn't.
The first play this year was a disaster. Seriously. I wasted six bucks on a few laughs and an otherwise terrible performance. But I've decided to see all plays this year, so I guess it's my fault.
You know, the only thing I miss about Flo by now is the sex. That makes me shallow, and that in turn makes me angry at myself because I don't want to be shallow. But I just miss the feeling of that sexual tension, the warmth of another body and stuff, you know?
Fuck. I want a boyfriend. I wanna be loved...
/P.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
"Can I say 'I told you so' if it happens?"
YD dragged me to the cinema to see Les Misérables yesterday, and it was worth it. I almost cried.
Also, we had an unexpected companion (at least by me), nineteen years of age and with quite some wit hidden behind his handsome sixteener face. Great chemistry between those two, despite his joining in being purely coincidental as she was having dinner at his place with her parents (or so I was told... Naw I'm joking it really was spontaneous). I told her to hit on him before he's taken.
I find myself at ease these days, though I shouldn't or I'll fail the year again which would be a disgrace I couldn't live with. And yet I feel peaceful and calm. Like there's nothing that could trouble me right now. Probably another silence before the storm. But strangely enough I don't seem to care.
/P.
Also, we had an unexpected companion (at least by me), nineteen years of age and with quite some wit hidden behind his handsome sixteener face. Great chemistry between those two, despite his joining in being purely coincidental as she was having dinner at his place with her parents (or so I was told... Naw I'm joking it really was spontaneous). I told her to hit on him before he's taken.
I find myself at ease these days, though I shouldn't or I'll fail the year again which would be a disgrace I couldn't live with. And yet I feel peaceful and calm. Like there's nothing that could trouble me right now. Probably another silence before the storm. But strangely enough I don't seem to care.
/P.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
"Does this wig make me look fat?"
The Distraction (as of now called Don because he doesn't like to be called a distraction and 'the D' sounds too dirty) was what you'd call 'that gay bestie who goes shopping with you to get your spirits up' this time. There's no better description for it, I think. Sorry, Don ;)
His chocolate lab has grown so much, she's two years old now and heavy as fuck. She's like a giant furry locomotive that bounds in your direction at full speed and expects you to be happy about it. Thank God the other one is just an old setter who doesn't care about anything but himself (stupid snob); I would've been squashed to death otherwise (nice, good snob).
Don was a sweetheart. We went for looong walks and we found a really cool second-hand-shop (actually it was a crossing between second-hand-shop and antique shop) with a huge collection of vinyl plates and a gigantic cupboard that looked a bit like the one from Narnia and then there was a whole corner dedicated to clothes from the 70s and 80s so I bought a bag from there but it's torn so I have to send it in for repair and I had loads of fun and I realise this sentence is really long and is ceasing to make sense but I had a great time and I regret that I couldn't say bye to Don before I left and say thanks again because really he's a great friend.
...And yeah, I'm only saying this because I know you'll be reading this at some point, Pontre-Brat! :P
/P.
His chocolate lab has grown so much, she's two years old now and heavy as fuck. She's like a giant furry locomotive that bounds in your direction at full speed and expects you to be happy about it. Thank God the other one is just an old setter who doesn't care about anything but himself (stupid snob); I would've been squashed to death otherwise (nice, good snob).
Don was a sweetheart. We went for looong walks and we found a really cool second-hand-shop (actually it was a crossing between second-hand-shop and antique shop) with a huge collection of vinyl plates and a gigantic cupboard that looked a bit like the one from Narnia and then there was a whole corner dedicated to clothes from the 70s and 80s so I bought a bag from there but it's torn so I have to send it in for repair and I had loads of fun and I realise this sentence is really long and is ceasing to make sense but I had a great time and I regret that I couldn't say bye to Don before I left and say thanks again because really he's a great friend.
...And yeah, I'm only saying this because I know you'll be reading this at some point, Pontre-Brat! :P
/P.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
yakuza
We've decided to stay friends. That's good. I didn't want to part as strangers. But I know that as soon as he has a new girlfriend, I'll have to move back into the shadows, for his sake. But he'll understand. No girlfriend wants an ex to still be in contact with her property. But it's not the case yet so I won't dwell on the future. I've learned my lesson about that.
There's one good thing about our break-up: The Distraction is here as of yesterday, which means that I can indulge in his presence without feeling guilty. Though I'll probably just walk around with him and his dogs and not do anything in particular. I don't feel like it at all.
Plus I can have some fun without certain persons reprimanding me for it. As soon as I feel like it. Which is soon. I hope.
/P.
There's one good thing about our break-up: The Distraction is here as of yesterday, which means that I can indulge in his presence without feeling guilty. Though I'll probably just walk around with him and his dogs and not do anything in particular. I don't feel like it at all.
Plus I can have some fun without certain persons reprimanding me for it. As soon as I feel like it. Which is soon. I hope.
/P.
going through changes
Can one get used to loss?
Because somehow, it doesn't matter that much anymore to me. I've just kind of accepted it. I don't know whether this means that I don't care enough or that I am very quick to adapt to the new situation. Okay, I still regret his decision and miss him, but it doesn't affect me as much as I had expected it to. My thoughts are something along the lines of 'Yeah, ok, too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.' And that is definitely not the drama I was expecting of myself (maybe I just don't know myself enough). Whatever it is, I've come to terms with what happened.
Right now, I'm technically free as a bird. But I'm a tamed bird, and before long I will be looking for the next cage to harbour and nurture me. Born and raised in a cage, I'm doomed to look for one all my life until I find the golden prize that will give me the illusion of happiness long enough for me to believe in it even in death.
/P.
Because somehow, it doesn't matter that much anymore to me. I've just kind of accepted it. I don't know whether this means that I don't care enough or that I am very quick to adapt to the new situation. Okay, I still regret his decision and miss him, but it doesn't affect me as much as I had expected it to. My thoughts are something along the lines of 'Yeah, ok, too bad. Better luck next time, I guess.' And that is definitely not the drama I was expecting of myself (maybe I just don't know myself enough). Whatever it is, I've come to terms with what happened.
Right now, I'm technically free as a bird. But I'm a tamed bird, and before long I will be looking for the next cage to harbour and nurture me. Born and raised in a cage, I'm doomed to look for one all my life until I find the golden prize that will give me the illusion of happiness long enough for me to believe in it even in death.
/P.
Friday, February 15, 2013
lift me up, let me go
I should be a prophet or something. It happens as I said every time.
I only wish my premonitions came earlier, before the beginning of a relationship. That way, I wouldn't get hurt so much.
Once again, I would like to say: never make promises you don't intend to keep. It's better to stay silent and surprise with unpromised things than to disappoint with unfulfilled expectations. And if you make promises you do intend to keep, make sure you're actually capable of keeping them. There are cases when just the thought doesn't count after all. Be reasonable and stay with both feet on the ground, no matter how passionate your feelings are - an at least somewhat realistic approach to your relationship can spare both sides from unnecessary pain. Don't let your partner hope for more than you can give them - words, when in love, are powerful, powerful little things.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I probably still am, foolish as it may be.
But, as they say: when love is not madness, it is not love.
And I feel like I must be the maddest of them all...
/P.
And no, we still haven't broken up. Not officially at least. But he told me some things a few days ago and it looks like I'm a clairvoyant after all.
I only wish my premonitions came earlier, before the beginning of a relationship. That way, I wouldn't get hurt so much.
Once again, I would like to say: never make promises you don't intend to keep. It's better to stay silent and surprise with unpromised things than to disappoint with unfulfilled expectations. And if you make promises you do intend to keep, make sure you're actually capable of keeping them. There are cases when just the thought doesn't count after all. Be reasonable and stay with both feet on the ground, no matter how passionate your feelings are - an at least somewhat realistic approach to your relationship can spare both sides from unnecessary pain. Don't let your partner hope for more than you can give them - words, when in love, are powerful, powerful little things.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I probably still am, foolish as it may be.
But, as they say: when love is not madness, it is not love.
And I feel like I must be the maddest of them all...
/P.
And no, we still haven't broken up. Not officially at least. But he told me some things a few days ago and it looks like I'm a clairvoyant after all.
Monday, February 11, 2013
silence before the storm
"I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Don't ever make promises you don't intend to keep. And if you think you're saying the truth, don't say the words too early, because time is more powerful than you can imagine.
/P.
And no, we haven't broken up. But I have a feeling something's coming. And up until now I've never been wrong. How I wish I'm wrong right now...!
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Don't ever make promises you don't intend to keep. And if you think you're saying the truth, don't say the words too early, because time is more powerful than you can imagine.
/P.
And no, we haven't broken up. But I have a feeling something's coming. And up until now I've never been wrong. How I wish I'm wrong right now...!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
give it to me right
It's the good kind of silence after all. Relaxed, cozy silence. Sometimes with music in the background, sometimes it's just us listening to each other's breathing or heartbeat.
I'm amazed these days that just by chance I was in the right place at the right time to find the right person for me.
Each and every decision I make in my life affects the future course of events. The trouble is that you never if it's for the better or the worse.
/P.
I'm amazed these days that just by chance I was in the right place at the right time to find the right person for me.
Each and every decision I make in my life affects the future course of events. The trouble is that you never if it's for the better or the worse.
/P.
he can't remember
Can I be sisterzoned even if I don't have a crush on Utah (who did the zoning)? Because other than the friendzone, which is inexistent when you're just friends anyway, the sisterzone is the status between 'friend' and... and what? It's not family. It's more like the reminder of family. Whatever it is, it doesn't really have anything to do with whether I have a crush on him or not - being in the zone is feasible in both cases. Right?
/P.
/P.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
scales
I'm too quick to doubt myself and others. It's almost like I want to, just for the sake of it, I don't know.
The closer I get with Flo, the worse my relationship with my father gets. They're like two ends of a scale, with my feelings being weights that balance or unbalance the two ends. The more love I feel for Flo, the higher my father rises out of my reach. I'm a failure to him anyway, as he likes to tell me recently. I've stooped low. I'm incapable. I don't care enough.
Screw you.
You don't know anything. You keep talking and talking that one big eternal monologue of yours and you never stop to think that maybe it's not all like you make it out to be, maybe at some point, you miscalculated. Stop telling me and my brother that we're failures, stop assuming things that are just plain lies and idiocy. Stop. Just don't try to say anything anymore, he won't listen to you and I can't stand up to you because I know it wouldn't get to you. God knows I've tried.
/P.
The closer I get with Flo, the worse my relationship with my father gets. They're like two ends of a scale, with my feelings being weights that balance or unbalance the two ends. The more love I feel for Flo, the higher my father rises out of my reach. I'm a failure to him anyway, as he likes to tell me recently. I've stooped low. I'm incapable. I don't care enough.
Screw you.
You don't know anything. You keep talking and talking that one big eternal monologue of yours and you never stop to think that maybe it's not all like you make it out to be, maybe at some point, you miscalculated. Stop telling me and my brother that we're failures, stop assuming things that are just plain lies and idiocy. Stop. Just don't try to say anything anymore, he won't listen to you and I can't stand up to you because I know it wouldn't get to you. God knows I've tried.
/P.
Monday, February 4, 2013
sad little clingy me
Most loves that are felt from the age of thirteen to nineteen years are said to be simple crushes and short-lived. Only later does the 'real thing' come along eventually. The other loves are just so-called puppy loves.
The classic teenage love relationship looks like this:
Two teens meet, they fall madly in love. After some time their crazy lovey-doveyness dies off and the relationship is more of a routine now, based on a schedule rather than spontaneous undergoings. Finally the primary feelings and passion die down completely on one or both sides and the two teens go their separate ways.
He's the one who started it. He texted me all the time and kept talking about everything and nothing, he was the one keeping the conversation going and wanting to know what I was doing. He was the one who said 'I love you' first and asked me out. He was the one who made me want to stay with him. He did almost everything so perfectly romantically like I used to imagine it when I was a naïve thirteen-year-old that I couldn't resist.
And now I feel it dying down. There's less passion. The texts change from tons a day to just about above a dozen. Our encounters change from being lifted up and kissed to just a little peck and a 'Hi' thrown in at a whim. Conversations run dry because we've apparently talked about everything there's to talk about. 'I love you' turns into the lonely text shortcut 'ily'.
Now I'm the one trying to uphold a conversation so it doesn't become awkward, I'm the one who stays up just to get a text that he's going to sleep so he won't be texting me, I'm the one who feels the urge to tell him that I love him more than anything and that I want to spend as much time as possible with him, I'm the one who doesn't have a death wish anymore because I've found someone worth living for.
I don't want this relationship to just die down like a... like a withered pot plant or something. I don't want this to end up as a senseless thing that happened in the past and that should be forgotten as soon as possible.
I want my relationship to stay alive. To prosper. To evolve into something more.
I'm scared of failing to uphold this relationship to a person who's dearer to me than anyone. I'm scared he'll soon grow tired of me and cast me aside, with all his promises and plans left chucked into a corner. I'm scared of losing him to my own inability to be something worth loving.
/P.
The classic teenage love relationship looks like this:
Two teens meet, they fall madly in love. After some time their crazy lovey-doveyness dies off and the relationship is more of a routine now, based on a schedule rather than spontaneous undergoings. Finally the primary feelings and passion die down completely on one or both sides and the two teens go their separate ways.
He's the one who started it. He texted me all the time and kept talking about everything and nothing, he was the one keeping the conversation going and wanting to know what I was doing. He was the one who said 'I love you' first and asked me out. He was the one who made me want to stay with him. He did almost everything so perfectly romantically like I used to imagine it when I was a naïve thirteen-year-old that I couldn't resist.
And now I feel it dying down. There's less passion. The texts change from tons a day to just about above a dozen. Our encounters change from being lifted up and kissed to just a little peck and a 'Hi' thrown in at a whim. Conversations run dry because we've apparently talked about everything there's to talk about. 'I love you' turns into the lonely text shortcut 'ily'.
Now I'm the one trying to uphold a conversation so it doesn't become awkward, I'm the one who stays up just to get a text that he's going to sleep so he won't be texting me, I'm the one who feels the urge to tell him that I love him more than anything and that I want to spend as much time as possible with him, I'm the one who doesn't have a death wish anymore because I've found someone worth living for.
I don't want this relationship to just die down like a... like a withered pot plant or something. I don't want this to end up as a senseless thing that happened in the past and that should be forgotten as soon as possible.
I want my relationship to stay alive. To prosper. To evolve into something more.
I'm scared of failing to uphold this relationship to a person who's dearer to me than anyone. I'm scared he'll soon grow tired of me and cast me aside, with all his promises and plans left chucked into a corner. I'm scared of losing him to my own inability to be something worth loving.
/P.
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