Drop The World

One more day to go. One more. And we're all gonna be free as a motherfucker to do whatever the hell we want for six glorious weeks. At least, I will. I don't have to work on my HI, and my EE, and my MA. Eat that. On the down side I have one more year in school. Yeah. See what I did? I took your argument away, hah!
Sorry about that. For some reason it's easier to write in the same way as it would sound if I was vlogging.

Sooo I've tried living out the crazy part of me. So far, so good. Nobody cares after all, so it's just perfect. You see, we all think that whatever we do, someone will always notice , and we crave that attention, even if it's subconscious. But the truth is almost nobody gives a fuck. They're just bored and that's why they happen to notice something. And even if they do, what the hell? And still, nobody cares.
God, the apathy of some people, seriously. I'm a parade example myself so I shouldn't be talking, but I feel like I'm struggling against a concrete wall. Or more like a pool of jelly. I do move forward, but not fast enough, and the apathy and sadness have jet skis and helicopters. Get my point?
Oh dear I thought this was gonna turn out to be a positive post for once. Inner drama queen strikes again -.-

/P.

puberty is a difficult stage in life.

Sometimes I feel sad. Because I feel guilty. Because I feel misunderstood. But most of all because I can't openly be me. That's unfair.

I like to be mean. I like to hate other people. But I'm also afraid of being hated myself, of being an outcast. I blame it on society. Look what you'e done to your children. You've turned them into robots who struggle every day to fit in, to be the best at everything, to be the prettiest, to be the smartest. Free society my arse. We're more vulnerable than we realize, and when we do, it's too late.

/P.

Let It Go

"first things first, nothing lasts
so don't settle for second best
mend the hole in your chest
'cause what you see is what you get

so get on with your life when it's over
let it rest, leave the past in the past

reconsider yourself when you're sober
just let it go, make it fade, let it slide

take a break, make a change, take your time
let it go, let it go"

It felt good to let go.
Though JB probably hates me now, haha.
It really felt good to just let go. You know, let myself drift and just make and let things happen.
It's a type of dangerous freedom; delicious, but quick to make you choke on it if you're not too careful.


/P.

the answer, my friend, is...

Why am I such a masochist, you ask.

Some of you may think that it's pure stupidity, or that I'm just gullible. Others may think that I see myself as some sort of heroine in a real-life drama. And others yet tell me they think I just like the pain.

Honestly, it's none of the above. I don't really know why I am who I am. I guess I've just learned to deal with it in such a way that constantly being disappointed doesn't affect me any longer. It just happens, but I don't feel like it concerns me. I've distanced myself from my surroundings, I just observe, like it's not me who's living my life but an actress and I'm just a spectator.

A depressed person's attitude? Maybe.
Or maybe indifference and apathy are the only efficient ways to protect oneself from being hurt.

/P.

Faded Silhouettes

So today it's official. Goodbye old class, I'll miss you. I'll miss absolutely everything, even JB and CH's nervous leg tic that makes me go mad.

I've started to notice things about people in my class that I hadn't seen before. For instance, JZ has a dirty sense of humor that makes his eyes twinkle; and he brushed back my hair this morning, or maybe I'm just imagining things. I remember that a lot of the girls used to have a crush on him. CG isn't annoying, she just says what's on her mind. CH is a sweetheart (I knew that already) and he's vulnerable just like the rest of us (that I didn't). He just shows it more now. LR is an insolent brat but she's my second half. I realize it now more than ever because I know we'll be apart from now on.
It's always like that, isn't it? As soon as something is liable to be lost to us, we treasure it more. We suddenly realize how precious it is and regret not having cherished it when we had the time and chance.
I did cherish every moment I had with my class. After all, I've spent most of my life up until now in school, with my classmates. They're a big and important part of my life.
One day I'll look back and think about all the things we went through, as insignificant as they may seem to us now, they all have an impact on who we are. That's why I love my class so much: the impact has been nothing but positive. I've never met or heard of a better class.

Sometimes I wish I could stop time. The picture stands still, the laughing faces don't fade, the happiness of the moment remains in our hearts. It's hopelessly poetic and probably incredibly daft to you, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? To, just for a brief moment, experience a lifetime of happiness. A brief moment that, for us, would last forever.

/P.

But really

Why do I keep doing everything wrong?!

Whatever I do, although it seems like the right thing to do at the time, it ruins everything. It's like I'm destined to fuck everything up from the start no matter how hard I try to do it right.

/P.

same same but different

Don't dare telling me off for writing about the same stuff all the time. It's my blog, nobody's asking you to read it. Over here, things go my way. Deal with it.

The development of my relationships can be defined by 5 passages (in songs just to make it more dramatic and fun):

Meeting:
We're on a timebomb
It might not last long
So let's just do it right now, do it come on
——————————
Dating:
Here we come
Come with me
There's a world out there
That we have to see
Take my hand
Close your eyes
Whith you right here
I'm a rocketeer
——————————
Breakup I:
We've run out of words
We've run out of time
We've run out of reasons
Really, why're we together?
We both know it's over, baby, bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all
——————————
Breakup II:
Cause I'm not coming back I'm closing the door
I used to be tripping over missing you but I'm not anymore
——————————
Coping:
Come on people, we have all seen the sunshine
We will never get back to
To the old school
To the old grounds, it's all about the new found
We are the newborn, the ones who wanna bounce
(We are the future and we're here to stay)
We've come a long way since that day
And we will never look back, at the faded silhouettes
——————————
Rebirth:
Tell me now
D'you wanna wanna
I wanna wanna
Dance like it was the last dance
We're on a timebomb
It might not last long
So let's just do it right now, do it come on
We're on a timebomb
Before the night's gone
Let's just do it right now, do it come on
....
The circle never ends. We keep making the same mistakes.
What I wrote can be applied to most relationships with slight alterations like getting bored with each other or whatever. But the general picture remains the same. We're all stupid and gullible when in a relationship. We don't learn from the mistakes of others because we're naïve enough to think that "it won't happen to us". It's dumb and senseless. I think I slowly understand why E thinks so little of it.

We're on a timebomb, so let's make the most of it. Let's not commit ourselves to one person and savour life. Sounds good to me.

/P.

at war

You're too nice for the world for it to be kind to you.
Are you happy with me?
We need  to talk.
Do you love me?
I'm don't want things to stay the way they are.
You think too much.
Do you know what an open relationship is?

Words, words, words. They keep raining down on me. They're threatening to bury me beneath them. So many words. And all of them have the same message: something bad is going to happen. None of these sentences and questions ever means anything good. Ever. So why do I have to hear them one by one? It's just not fair. I might deserve to some degree, but still...!

I'm scared of being left behind. I'm scared of being disliked and not accepted. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of being deceived. I'm scared of becoming old and fragile and helpless. I'm scared of what comes after death, the unknown. I'm scared of being hurt.
I'm scared so much that I try to hide, changing all the time, morphing into this and that until finally I don't know who the real me is. Sometimes I want to know the truth. Sometimes I don't. The likes of me are probably described as cowards. I feel cowardly, but I also feel justified in my fears, for some reason.

What are you afraid of?

/P.

Strangely enough I'm not afraid of opening up here. It's like talking to your pet; they don't understand, but you still feel relieved after telling what's on your mind.

me . ! ?

It's funny how someone trusts you enough to tell you his/her deepest thoughts, worries and sorrows even though he/she doesn't really know you. I've come to the conclusion that it's all about appearance. If I seem innocent - not mentally since it's common knowledge that I'll see something pervy in almost everything, I mean emotionally and morally - then people are more likely to trust me. I'm the cheerful girl, the crazy, random one who's always hanging out with LR. I'm one of the good guys. Seemingly.

To tell the truth, I don't know who I am. Yes, I know, it sounds like the typical crisis every teen goes through. Honestly I don't even know why they call it teen crisis if most adults have the same problem.
The point is, I don't want to know who I am. I'm scared of finding out. Mostly because, though I don't know who I am, I know what I'm capable of. And that's what terrifies and fascinates me at the same time. It's like I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror, and I know how I look like and I know what I've done in my life but I can't see what's inside. I can't look into myself and see what lies beneath.
I wake up every day, I go to school or whatever, I talk, laugh, cry, I eat and sleep, but it all feels fake. Like I'm one of these tin toys that have to be wound up so they work. Every day the same thing. I make the same mistakes, I keep running on the spot. Nothing changes, I can't move on.

It gets tiresome.
I wish I knew more. Not only about myself, but things in general. Another thing I'm scared of: not knowing enough. And being hurt because of it.

/P.

no church in the wild

Recently my life has been filled with evil premonitions and a feeling in my gut that makes me want to puke. So far, all the premonitions have come true. Why don't I live in Delphi by now?

First premonition:

Some months ago. I woke up and immediately had this weird feeling that something bad was going to happen. Sure enough, I almost broke my neck falling down the stairs, and my teacher told me I was going to fail the year if I wasn't going to do anything about it.

Second premonition:

Some weeks ago. I felt sick at school. When I came home, father called and told me my uncle was being operated in hospital because of a stroke. Later a friend wrote me an sms telling me my favorite horse (in the stables where I go for a camp every year) had died. Colic.

Third premonition:

Wednesday. I was on a date with the boyfriend and something had been feeling very wrong since morning. Sure enough, he became my ex-boyfriend an hour later.

Fourth premonition:

Today. D talked to me on the phone, and I felt like I was going to break. I wanted to puke. The premonition has yet to come true. Wish me luck and bad intuition, because if it's right, I'm doomed.

Though I kind of deserve it. I'm not exactly a saint. But it's too late to admit that, isn't it?

It's funny, really.

/P.

just my mood swings

Things are getting worse with the Hypersensitive Brat. Like, I can't even be in a bad mood? Bitch, please. I might have more ups than downs in my life, but when I do have downs, they're pretty fucking bad. So shut up. And let me be at least a bit pissed off. And don't make me feel like an asshole. I have the right to be in a bad mood, to be sad, to make a big drama out of nothing. I do.

So shut up and fuck off, or hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

/P.

Grande Finale

In Gioia's words:
Byotch Plez! I can handle this :)

No, really. My conscience is better now. No more guilt.

/P.

Words Of Wisdom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd05kpKaYr8&feature=relmfu

This guy is so right that it hurts.
Massive respect to Nick.

New Territory

It's always awkward when you enter someone's house for the first time. You know, it's like new territory and you're kinda like an intruder, but at the same time you're not since you were basically invited, right? Anyways, I was at JB's place today (geography presentation and stuff), and it was awkward. Like, more than usual. Probably because he's not a good friend, just a friend. Not close enough, if you know what I mean. God I'm not making sense.
So anyways I just wanted to ask if anyone else felt this way too when they visit a friend's house for the first time. Just to know whether I'm the only one - and thus the weirdo - or whether it's normal.

/P.

Coffee :)

Try drinking Irish Coffee:

1 Measure of Irish Whiskey (3-5 cl) -> NEVER use scotch (it's gross)
1 teaspoon of sugar
Hot strong coffee
Whipped cream

Pour hot coffee in a heated glass. Add sugar and stir to dissolve. Mix in the whiskey. Top with whipped cream. Serves one.

Smells Like Teen Sprite

I identify people by their smell.
D smells of something I can't describe, but it smells pretty fucking good. The boyfriend smells mainly of pears and water. LR smells of kheer (an indian dessert). Mum smells of soap and paper, father like his aftershave and sprite and little brother like berry syrup and metal.
The list goes on and on.
It's pretty weird, really.
Certain smells attract me, especially D's, even more because I can't define it. PB smelled really good on Thu in the Mitte by the way. But that's kinda off the topic. Sorry.
I always wanted to smell of sandalwood. It's a harsh but at the same time sweet smell; a perfect reflection of my character/feelings. Instead I have to be content with nectarine and cherry. At least that's what I smell like according to Mum and D.
Hmm, cherry. Maybe.
...Maybe.

/P.

fun facts

D:
- smells nice
- is kind
- is sensitive and shy (but doesn't show it)
- is sarcastic
- has awesome eyes
- has a scar on his left shoulder which he got before he was born
- has a wonderful smile
- makes me want to be a good person
- loves music
- has a photographic memory
- mopes around a lot
- is honest
- enjoys silence but likes to listen to Death Metal
- takes "stuff to prevent me from doing anything to myself"
- doesn't really like his parents
- looks after his younger siblings
- drinks a lot (too much)
- can be irritated easily by ignorant people
- has a soothing effect on me
- has a voice that sends shivers down my spine
- makes me miss him awfully
- never fails to make me smile
- thinks his life is boring
- doesn't talk much
- has to be given a little push so he makes the next step (in a relationship)
- has a hearing problem with his right ear
- doesn't have any facial hair (except eywbrows ans lashes); a matter of genes
- has a thing for subtle signs of love
- sometimes moves to music without noticing it (like tapping his feet)
- lives in Warsaw
- makes me think of sentimental and poetic shit ever time I think of him
- never writes much in SMSes or mails but has managed to get me addicted to any sign of life from his side
- says he'll die young because his kidney won't be able to endure all the alcohol he drinks
- takes Krav Maga lessons
- likes to read Manga
- doesn't or can't show his feelings properly... Which makes me feel like I'm disturbing him or not loved/wanted by him, which in turn makes me feel insecure and confused
- looks like a good kisser (according to M and J)
- can kiss. He seriously can kiss.
- sometimes surprises me with spontaneous ideas (-> skinny dipping at midnight on my birthday)
- reminds me if Winnie the Pooh in a twisted kind of way
- "supports women's will of self-dependence"
- hunches his back which makes him look 2 cm smaller than he really is
- likes to bitch around about his fingernails
- likes to play basketball
- is a bit of a gentleman
- loves me .

Pears, Water and Soap

What do I like about you?

- you're responsible
- you accept me for who I am
- you don't try to change me
- you make me feel comfortable around you
- you do and say cheesy things for laughs
- you smell like pears, water and soap
- you're important enough for me to feel guilty
- you've managed to make me smile properly
- you love me.

Thank you.

/P.