What happens when you out yourself?
Mostly people look at you weirdly, become nervous in your presence or ignore you. Sometimes they accept you as you are. Sometimes they're intelligent enough to realize that what you are doesn't change who you are. You're still the same person they knew earlier, with the only difference that they know something more about you.
I wonder if I'm bi. Okay, I had a sexually based relationship with a girl once, but that was in 6th grade, so it was more like kids trying out forbidden things. And I tend to like boys more. Definitely. Even though I sometimes think a girl is totally hot - but I just think it, I don't actually get turned on or anything. Does that make me half-bi? Or hetero with a will to bi so I can call myself special? Difficult to say.
E once asked me if I liked L more than just as a friend. The answer is: Yes and No. She's like the twin sister I've always wanted... she thinks the same way as I do and she's as crazy as I am. Our bond is stronger than friendship and even stronger than love, I dare say. It's something unique and special, and I don't have any definition for it. I love her, yes, but it's a platonic love. Something like bromance between girls, I guess.
To make things easier: Yes I'm bisexual. There's no way to avoid it, and I have no problem with it. The first person I outed myself to - in the proper way - was A, about whom I know she's bi too. It was easier to tell her since she knew how I felt. One day I'll have to face L and T and my Mum and father and everyone, but not yet. It's so much easier to write this to an unknown audience. I don't have to look you in the eye and say: Hey, I'm bisexual, but yeah, big deal, I'm still me so let's just pretend I never said this and continue live life like we used to, okay? I'd do so well in an outing speech... (note the sarcasm)
/P.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
8
8 more months to go...
It's better now. I don't miss him that much anymore. Maybe it's because he doesn't write often since he has no time. No time, my foot. If he'd write every three days or so I'd be totally hooked, but he writes once a week at the most.... what does he expect of me? To sit and wait like a loyal dog? No thanks. The more I miss him the more I want to just lunge at the next best guy that comes along and hook up. Forgetting is a terrible thing. But it feels good once you're done.
The worst about missing someone is the memory of their touch and warmth. You can remember their voice, their smell, their looks, but their touch is something that just can't be compensated by your memory. It's too real. Which is why deep down inside, I hate myself for getting into this mess. I'd sworn never to start a long distance relationship again, and here I am, pining over my miles-away-boyfriend. Go me.
It's better now. I don't miss him that much anymore. Maybe it's because he doesn't write often since he has no time. No time, my foot. If he'd write every three days or so I'd be totally hooked, but he writes once a week at the most.... what does he expect of me? To sit and wait like a loyal dog? No thanks. The more I miss him the more I want to just lunge at the next best guy that comes along and hook up. Forgetting is a terrible thing. But it feels good once you're done.
The worst about missing someone is the memory of their touch and warmth. You can remember their voice, their smell, their looks, but their touch is something that just can't be compensated by your memory. It's too real. Which is why deep down inside, I hate myself for getting into this mess. I'd sworn never to start a long distance relationship again, and here I am, pining over my miles-away-boyfriend. Go me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
sick
It's official. I've inherited my Mum's migrane-gene. It's become more and more frequent, and I spent today with running back and forth between my bed trying to sleep and the bathroom to throw up. And then it was suddenly gone. My headache stopped like something just went *click*. Maybe because there wasn't anything left in my stomach to throw up and my head exploded without me noticing. I can be so optimistic when I want to...
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
brooding
So.
I failed my chem test for sure (wow, who'd have known??). My head is hurting like hell, I don't know if I'm going to school tomorrow, I can't really concentrate but I had an aspirine and a dafalgan tablet thingy so I guess I should be fine.
Herbstmesse is coming on!!! That means: FUN. Lots and lots of it. Okay, so Saturday we're all going out, it'll be cool, I hope LW won't be there because I really don't have the energy to face him after half a year. I promised him to keep in touch and stuff but obviously I didn't feel like, okay I forgot but it feels better to say I didn't want to stay in touch. It's partly true anyway. I made a huge mistake by breaking up with him - that was three years ago but whatever - and he was really hurt and then he started flirting with T and then ZL so I kinda got a bit jealous because actually I was still really in love with him (what the hell was I thinking?!) so yeah long story cut short: it was a reaaally depressing episode in my life. And then he turned up again and wanted to see me more often because he couldn't help feeling something for me and I was annoyed because I'd finally gotten over him. Which is why I don't want to see him. And because if I see him I might change my mind. But that's impossible. D is the one for now and I want to do it right for once. Mum says it's okay to cheat if he's like on the other side of the world and it's not like he'd ever find out... I really really feel like doing just that sometimes but in the end it's not the same. I still miss him. Aaand I ruined my mood again by talking about this. Where was I? Right, FUN.
So I'm going to have some fun by taking another tablet and going to bed and hoping that I'll be fine by tomorrow morning.
Dear Summer Holidays, please come soon?
/P.
I failed my chem test for sure (wow, who'd have known??). My head is hurting like hell, I don't know if I'm going to school tomorrow, I can't really concentrate but I had an aspirine and a dafalgan tablet thingy so I guess I should be fine.
Herbstmesse is coming on!!! That means: FUN. Lots and lots of it. Okay, so Saturday we're all going out, it'll be cool, I hope LW won't be there because I really don't have the energy to face him after half a year. I promised him to keep in touch and stuff but obviously I didn't feel like, okay I forgot but it feels better to say I didn't want to stay in touch. It's partly true anyway. I made a huge mistake by breaking up with him - that was three years ago but whatever - and he was really hurt and then he started flirting with T and then ZL so I kinda got a bit jealous because actually I was still really in love with him (what the hell was I thinking?!) so yeah long story cut short: it was a reaaally depressing episode in my life. And then he turned up again and wanted to see me more often because he couldn't help feeling something for me and I was annoyed because I'd finally gotten over him. Which is why I don't want to see him. And because if I see him I might change my mind. But that's impossible. D is the one for now and I want to do it right for once. Mum says it's okay to cheat if he's like on the other side of the world and it's not like he'd ever find out... I really really feel like doing just that sometimes but in the end it's not the same. I still miss him. Aaand I ruined my mood again by talking about this. Where was I? Right, FUN.
So I'm going to have some fun by taking another tablet and going to bed and hoping that I'll be fine by tomorrow morning.
Dear Summer Holidays, please come soon?
/P.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What Boredom Does To You
Things I'm supposed to be doing right now:
- Learning for my chemistry test
- Drinking a power fruit mix to keep me concentrated
- Focusing on school work in general
Things I'm doing right now:
- Drinking my nth glass of coke
- Eating plain tortillas
- Writing a post
- Working on one of my warped, melodramatic, useless fanfics
- Talking on the phone with my gran (basically she's talking, all I have to do is say "Mhm, yeah" once in a while)
- Looking into the fridge for the nth time today to find that, like all the times before, there isn't anything interesting in there that could get my attention
- Being bored
Go me.
/P.
- Learning for my chemistry test
- Drinking a power fruit mix to keep me concentrated
- Focusing on school work in general
Things I'm doing right now:
- Drinking my nth glass of coke
- Eating plain tortillas
- Writing a post
- Working on one of my warped, melodramatic, useless fanfics
- Talking on the phone with my gran (basically she's talking, all I have to do is say "Mhm, yeah" once in a while)
- Looking into the fridge for the nth time today to find that, like all the times before, there isn't anything interesting in there that could get my attention
- Being bored
Go me.
/P.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Woolly Mood
This fashion seasons's favorite fabric is... wool. Tons and tons of soft, fluffy, warm wool. Thick wool sweaters, thin wool leg warmers, ginormous wool scarfs and poncho's... wool's the word.
I just couldn't help buying another two long woollies... the're just so fucking soft and pleasant to wear! yayayayayayayay go woollies! (shut up! - okay.)
Mum agreed to let me take horse riding lessons. Fucking awesome. But the secretary hag is totally creepy, she sounds as if she was cursing everyone to hell... talk about mid-life crisis. Brrr!
My Mum is awesome. <3 We're going to have a great autumn holiday next year if the apartment in Bombay isn't completely renovated yet... she's already planning to take us to a) NY and back over the Atlantic by ship b) Dubai just to feel like a bonze c) India to visit friends or d) Thailand to visit our loyal gay bf's. Personally, a) and b) sound great. One week on a ship (minus one day of shopping in NY) and then one week in Dubai doing absolutely fucking nothing in a hotel with a Jacuzzi and a drink. Woohoo, go Mum! I love it when she feels like spending money ;)
I feel woolly :)
/P.
I just couldn't help buying another two long woollies... the're just so fucking soft and pleasant to wear! yayayayayayayay go woollies! (shut up! - okay.)
Mum agreed to let me take horse riding lessons. Fucking awesome. But the secretary hag is totally creepy, she sounds as if she was cursing everyone to hell... talk about mid-life crisis. Brrr!
My Mum is awesome. <3 We're going to have a great autumn holiday next year if the apartment in Bombay isn't completely renovated yet... she's already planning to take us to a) NY and back over the Atlantic by ship b) Dubai just to feel like a bonze c) India to visit friends or d) Thailand to visit our loyal gay bf's. Personally, a) and b) sound great. One week on a ship (minus one day of shopping in NY) and then one week in Dubai doing absolutely fucking nothing in a hotel with a Jacuzzi and a drink. Woohoo, go Mum! I love it when she feels like spending money ;)
I feel woolly :)
/P.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Old Memories
I don't remember anything from my early childhood, save a few momentary flashbacks. I have no recollection of my time in kindergarten or primary school, and even my time in the OS is pretty vague by now. I guess a child's brain blocks out times that were hard or sad. But most of my early days were pretty fun it seems, at least from what Mom and my father tell me.
I found two video tapes with films of me and my brother when we were babies. Unbelievable how we looked like back then! I was a huge baby with cheeks like a hamster (not exaggerating here), and Al was so damn sweet with his locks and big eyes...
Just watching everybody on the tape is so sad. My grandmother is still alive, my father looks younger and happy with Mum, everyone seems so careless. I couldn't help but cry. But it wasn't crying out of sadness, I just felt so... near to all those people close to me that the feeling was overwhelming.
When or if I have kids of my own, I'll definitively make lots of films and pictures to keep for them when they're older. It's worth it.
/P.
I found two video tapes with films of me and my brother when we were babies. Unbelievable how we looked like back then! I was a huge baby with cheeks like a hamster (not exaggerating here), and Al was so damn sweet with his locks and big eyes...
Just watching everybody on the tape is so sad. My grandmother is still alive, my father looks younger and happy with Mum, everyone seems so careless. I couldn't help but cry. But it wasn't crying out of sadness, I just felt so... near to all those people close to me that the feeling was overwhelming.
When or if I have kids of my own, I'll definitively make lots of films and pictures to keep for them when they're older. It's worth it.
/P.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Back To Black
I'm back. Yay. (why does this sound really unmotivated?)
So for starters, I'll answer the two main questions asked since the beginning of school:
1. I was in South France which is why I'm tanned (tanned as in at least 3 shades darker than usual)
2. No, I did NOT overuse my self tanning cream. My tan is entirely natural.
The only problem now is that my make up is useless since it's like 3 shades too light. Ugh. But yeah.
Played a part in Shakespeare's Rome and Juliet yesterday, was fun, brandished my "naked weapon" - yes you're supposed to (mis)understand that - got scowled at by E for not looking at the audience (I don't blame her, it's fun to be director coz you can boss everyone around ^^)
I got myself a new pair of shoes. They. Are. Awesome. They're freaking furry!!! yayayayayayay!
Shopping for clothes on the other hand is more of a way to spend time. It's unbelievable how many calories you can burn by just going on one shopping spree! And you get to buy lots of fun stuff. It's weird because I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes and yet I have absolutely nothing to wear at times. I hate it. It's like we girls are cursed or something - never able to find the matching jeans to this and this T-shirt or a matching blouse to this and that skirt, etc etc... Ugh. But yeah.
Had a looong conversation with Mom for the first time in a while, realized it's actually quite fun. She just as crazy as me, which is kind of cool. I like my Mom. She's totally loony, a perv, knows more than she should concerning my social life (and loves gossiping about it - the only side of her I'm not sure I like) and has a new hobby: making me change my mind about D. It's gonna be hard for her since he such a cutie! Aw he's so cute when he tries to say something and act cool while doing it coz he doesn't want to show he's actually the romantic type... awww! Okay, okay, no more swooning over my teddy bear (yeah pretty awkward pet name, he almost killed me when I called him that once during the summer hols, which made it even more fun haha). I miss him though. 9 more months to go if he decides not to get his ass over here in December. Ugh. But yeah.
I still need to make a call so I can take horse riding lessons. I hate calling people I don't know, it's creepy. Dunno why, though, it's actually pretty normal but I don't like hearing a voice which - in my head - has no matching face to it. Creepy.
/P.
So for starters, I'll answer the two main questions asked since the beginning of school:
1. I was in South France which is why I'm tanned (tanned as in at least 3 shades darker than usual)
2. No, I did NOT overuse my self tanning cream. My tan is entirely natural.
The only problem now is that my make up is useless since it's like 3 shades too light. Ugh. But yeah.
Played a part in Shakespeare's Rome and Juliet yesterday, was fun, brandished my "naked weapon" - yes you're supposed to (mis)understand that - got scowled at by E for not looking at the audience (I don't blame her, it's fun to be director coz you can boss everyone around ^^)
I got myself a new pair of shoes. They. Are. Awesome. They're freaking furry!!! yayayayayayay!
Two years ago, I would've laughed at a girl who goes shopping every weekend and loves to try on hundreds of shoes. Now I'm one of those girls. Okay I hate trying on shoes but once I've found a pair I feel that they were worth it. The hardest shoes to find are ballerinas. There are thousands of ballerinas, all look the same, but only one pair really fits you. Ballerinas are seriously the worst shoes ever to look for. But I love them <3 I need boots. I need at least two more pairs of shoes to last through winter. Hello shoe shops!
Shopping for clothes on the other hand is more of a way to spend time. It's unbelievable how many calories you can burn by just going on one shopping spree! And you get to buy lots of fun stuff. It's weird because I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes and yet I have absolutely nothing to wear at times. I hate it. It's like we girls are cursed or something - never able to find the matching jeans to this and this T-shirt or a matching blouse to this and that skirt, etc etc... Ugh. But yeah.
Had a looong conversation with Mom for the first time in a while, realized it's actually quite fun. She just as crazy as me, which is kind of cool. I like my Mom. She's totally loony, a perv, knows more than she should concerning my social life (and loves gossiping about it - the only side of her I'm not sure I like) and has a new hobby: making me change my mind about D. It's gonna be hard for her since he such a cutie! Aw he's so cute when he tries to say something and act cool while doing it coz he doesn't want to show he's actually the romantic type... awww! Okay, okay, no more swooning over my teddy bear (yeah pretty awkward pet name, he almost killed me when I called him that once during the summer hols, which made it even more fun haha). I miss him though. 9 more months to go if he decides not to get his ass over here in December. Ugh. But yeah.
I still need to make a call so I can take horse riding lessons. I hate calling people I don't know, it's creepy. Dunno why, though, it's actually pretty normal but I don't like hearing a voice which - in my head - has no matching face to it. Creepy.
/P.
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