yesterday

I broke down at GC's place yesterday evening. It built up really slowly, and I think the ultimate trigger was him building a joint for twenty minutes solid which kind of got my frustration rolling to the brink. I just... imploded, basically. I was genuinely scared that I'd physically fall apart if I didn't curl up in a ball and tense up so nothing would disappear. I felt like if I didn't breathe, maybe I'd stay in one piece. And everything hurt. Not physical pain but more like there was pure sadness flowing through my veins instead of blood. I know this sounds unnecessarily poetic but how else should I explain it? And all the while there was a hand carressing my head, and now that I think of it, that hand of his was the only thing that kept me focused on staying in one piece. I don't know how it looked like to him. I don't know how it felt like for him. I don't know if I'm brave enough to ask. After I'd stopped crying I wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay. I wanted to say his name and look into his eyes and say that the worst was over and that he didn't have to make such a sad face. But I couldn't move. And for the next two hours I couldn't speak. I literally wasn't able to speak. This has never happened to me before. No matter how much I wanted to say something, I couldn't bring myself to do so. I just couldn't. But then as I regained energy bit by bit my voice came back too, eventually. Thank God.

He's asleep now, snoring a bit from time to time. He's just like me when it comes to weekend mornings - they don't exost for us, they're there to sleep through. Except today I'm being a creeper and watching him sleep while writing a post about my minor mental breakdown the evening before.

/P.

jailhouse rock

What a time to be alive. Beiber's in jail. I never thought I'd see the day he would in all seriousness be forced to bear the consequences of his perpetual fucking up. But here we are, and there he is. God bless America.
BUT OH WAIT! No he isn't in jail. He's out again. Because he's a famous rich white kid. And the American judicial system is fucked up. God bless America because nobody else does.

Phew, really needed to get that off my chest.

I'm at school today for once, because I need to study for a physics test and we all know I couldn't do that if I were staying at GC's place. So I'm only going there this evening. It's a bit quiet here, since we're only like 5 people or so. Though I guess that's good because I need the peace and quiet to study properly. I'm totally gonna rock that test. Or so I keep telling myself through the tears of frustration as I stare at this stupid fucking shitload of stuff to learn.

/P.

fuck yeah

Sooo today is our third month anniversary of being together (yay go us) and I totally forgot which is so embarrassing because usually I'm the one who remembers times and dates and whatnot except my class schedules which seem to erase themselves from my memory every night.
Anyway this is great. As in, I still love him. And that's not as obvious as you'd expect it to be. My last few boyfriends never made it past the three-month-deadline except D who doesn't count because I was basically desperately clinging onto a idolised memory of someone I hadn't seen for a year. But here I am - here we are - all lovey-dovey and shit. I love it. I love it so much and I'm so happy. I'm truly genuinely happy.

Speaking of happy, I had an awful feeling yesterday that the Sads were coming back, thank God it was a false alarm. I refuse to let them get to me. I fucking refuse to. It's so unbelievably tiresome, not only to me but the people around me (well, the ones who know about the Sads and in front of whom I don't pretend to be okay). It may be egoistic of me to vent the Sads in front of said people, but I just can't keep up the spiel all the time. At least they don't freak out because they know what's up. Anyway, the bad feels haven't kicked in so it's okay.

We're taking part in a sled race on Sunday, can't wait. It will be fucking awesome and we'l all probably break our necks at some point, but as the twelve-year-old peasants on the internet say: #yolo

/P.

haven't been posting much lately...

 "LIFE HACK: IF SOMEONE IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING TRY TO BE EXCITED FOR THEM OR AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE AT LEAST SLIGHTLY INTERESTED BECAUSE NOTHING FEELS WORSE THAN EXPRESSING SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY ONLY TO HAVE PEOPLE TELL YOU TO CALM DOWN OR IGNORE YOU COMPLETELY"

 Seriously. Don't you ever degrade another person's passion just because you think it isn't that much of a deal. It's a horrible feeling and awkward and makes people close up. So please don't do it.

/P.

i want to be engraved in your brain

There's something exciting about doing things in forbidden places. Your senses are sharper, you breath grows quick and heated and the adrenaline rushes through your veins like liquid electricity.

I miss the city. I miss being able to reach all shops in ten minutes max and have lunch in random places like takeaways and the Rhine shore. I miss being able to cook meals at any time I want. I miss the zoo. I miss the commodity of non-boarding school urban life, basically.

/P.

we assimilate to each other's craziness

I'm sick yet again, bad cough and a running nose. If it doesn't get better by tomorrow I'm staying at school over the weekend. No fun in staying at GC if all I can do is cough and possibly infect him. So yeah.

He's been crazier recently, the good kind of crazy. And he smiles even more often. And he keeps looking better and better because he hasn't shaved in a week and his stubble is unbelievably sexy oh my god don't even get me started. Basically he's becoming more and more adorable and awesome and amazing every day. Or maybe it's just me falling in love with him even more. I feel like everything's reversed - instead of my feelings cooling down they keep piling up and intensifying. Not that it's a bad thing, I'm just surprised. 

Another thing that surprises me is this unbelievable physical attraction. I want to feel him all the time. Not necessarily in the sexual way, mind you, I just want to feel him. Like, his presence, basically. I also want to do very bad / naughty things to him but that's a different matter entirely. 

Okay before this turns into a GC appreciation post, let me change the subject but not before I've mentioned that his delta muscles are also sexy as fuck.

I've gained fat. Ugh. Time to start exercising again.

I miss drinking orange juice. My throat hurts when I do because it' sore so I had to give it up last week and it's awful I keep having the urge to drink fucking orange juice what the fuck.

On a happier note I'm confident that I'll pass this year (FINALLY). Things are looking good. The Sads are gone again, which feels awesome, and my grades are pretty good, and I'm in love and life is just so great I can't even explain how great it is...! (even though I still complain a lot but it's just a habit so ignore it)

/P.

i fell asleep during bio lesson

I wish I could say something cliché like "new year, new me" - but we all know it would be utter bullshit.

I do want to focus on my grades more though, especially maths, physics and chemistry. But that's kinda a given, don't you think?

I've gone back to regularly writing poetry recently. I've even gone as far as showing it to GC... Even though I'm petrified he won't like it. If there's somebody I'm desperate for to like my poetry, it's him. Because my words are a part of me, and if they're bad, I'm not good enough either. A simple but dangerous mindset, I admit.

It's kind of annoying me that every paragraph in this post starts with an I...

Another thing I'm desperate to avoid is being annoying. I don't want to be overbearing. I don't want to appear snoopy or moody or unnerving in any way. I want to be kind and gentle and amusing and charming and sweet and pretty and sexy. I want to be the most perfect woman he's ever met. I want to impress him to the point where he won't be able to go on without me, ever. I want to be the centre of his universe, basically.

Notice that I said woman, not girl. Yet another recent change to my mentality. I am a woman, both physically and psychologically speaking. And it's strange. I wonder how I can even define for myself what the difference is between a girl and a woman. Because of course I still act childlike from time to time, some of my convictions are naive and perhaps even childishly irrational, and of course my behaviour ranges from composed adult to hyperactive baby. And yet I'm convinced that I'm a woman, not a girl. I only wish I could explain why.

/P.