need u 100%

I feel confident lately.
Maybe because TB almost admitted he got jealous when he saw me and he GC at the bar on Thursday.
Maybe because I actually spontaneously went to a bar with GC.
Maybe it's just the weather.
Maybe it's just because I feel really really good here.

I like it here, a lot. I have friends, there's lots of room to be lazy silly and have fun.
I have plans with SR to see some films we both like/would like to watch up in the school's cinema (yes, we have our own mini-cinema theatre), GC is definitely a worthwhile entertainment (he spoils me and I like it), TB is fun to text when I'm bored (plus he also seems to follow my orders quite often; something I abuse extensively).
The thing about SR though is that he has a girlfriend (new but very intense - they can be seen snogging each other's faces off in the hallways... gross) but he's a cool friend so it's fine to hang out with him occasionally; I just hope his girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it... TB is not really attractive plus he likes to bully me on weekends (because I stay at school while he goes home for two days) but he's funny and nice so I guess leading him on isn't all that bad, and if I rejected him it wouldn't be a big deal because we don't see each other much at school so it wouldn't even be awkward. And GC... well, GC is a riddle. I can't predict him as much as I can predict other guys. It confuses and intrigues me at the same time - I want to know more. He says he likes me, he invites me for a drink, he likes to hang out during breaks eating cookies talking , he texts me quite a lot.... And yet he hasn't really made a move on me (yet?). Is he just really nice or is he taking it real slow? It's exciting frustrating.

/P.

nicotine aftertaste

"Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly"

I feel betrayed. I have been planning Friday in a week for the last month. I was supposed to go to an allnighter of a friend-but-there's-sexual-tension-between-us, stuff was supposed to happen, I'd have some fun, and then I'd take the train to our holiday home. But no, father dear always keeps the most important info till the very end when it' too late to call it off. So now I can kiss the party and my chances for a decent portion of venting goodbye, and also my hopes of completing my essay in the first week of the holidays (which is pretty much essential to my grades) since as far as I know there is no way I'll ever be able to do anything in the South of France. Usually I'd be really happy to go there, I mean I love the place, but right now is just not the time, for fuck's sake. Stop screwing everything up. I've had enough.

malcolm in the middle

I'm home for the week-end, and it feels weird - like the boarding school is more of a home to me than this place. And now I realize it's the environment, the small things. My stuff has been moved out of the way (e.g. my hand creams and perfumes from the bathroom to my room), most of my clothes are at school, my old room feels empty and impersonal. It's like I barely exist here. I'm being slowly erased out of the house. And it hurts a bit to notice it.
I guess I'm happier up there after all. At least to the point that when I say "I'm going home", I mean I'm going back to the school. "My mom's" is here. "My place" is there. Actually I'm surprised at how easily I've warmed up to that place. How easily I've gotten used to it. I already have a routine, some kind of life-pace. It makes me feel secure and at home. Here, I just don't know what to do. I don't belong here any more, even though I want to. It's a pity. And yet it doesn't affect me as much as it should.

/P.

nowyouknow

When I was younger, I used to fight quite a lot with my mom. About everything. And just like many other kids my age, I'd start saying things like that I'd run away and then everybody would miss me.
One day the fight was particularly bad. I was furious and sad and frustrated. Why wouldn't she even try to understand me? So I told her I'd kill myself. And she said "fine, go ahead".
I know she said it because she knew I wouldn't do it and that she just wanted to prove her point. But it was the worst thing she could have said. I had literally been feeling so terrible that I actually wanted to kill myself. And she basically gave me the okay.
It's not right for me to blame her for anything, but it really got to me. Even though I know she didn't really mean it. Even though I know that, it just flipped a switch in my head.
A completely irrational voice began to tell me that she didn't care. And it tells me until now. That I don't matter. That I should just go ahead. That what my father says is true. That all she wants to do is hurt him and that I'm a tool in her games. Or that I'm nothing but a pawn to him, too. Something to direct against her. To hurt. With words, actions, gestures... Just a pawn.
I have trust issues, I'm aware of that. Everything anybody does has to have an ulterior motive behind it. Nothing is for free. There's always a price to pay. Maybe because that's what growing up with parents like mine does to you. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
I'm also aware of my inferiority complex. I have to constantly prove myself. Not particularly to others, but to myself. I feel like I can't believe people who tell me they like me because... what is there to like? I whine constantly, I have mental breakdowns regularly, I'm not even that interesting in conversations. I constantly need approval because otherwise I keep thinking I'm doing everything wrong and I'm hated. It's stupid, I know. I know it. But I just can't help it. Maybe because that's what being told that you're a failure and being compared to your friends all the time does to you. Or maybe I'm just overreacting and over-sensitive.
I haven't been doing anything but ranting and whining lately, I'm sorry. But I need a vent. There's nothing else I can do here but write down everything; I can't scream or cry because in half an hour the prefect will check on me and notice there's something wrong, I can't go for a walk to cool down because the doors get blocked at 10pm, I can't call my friends because I don't want to be a nuisance. So here I am, spilling out everything on a keyboard. And to be honest, I'm fine with this for the moment. It helps a bit.