disillusioned

"Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"

---
I've been thinking about things more than ever recently. It's depressing, really. Even worse if you discuss the world for 1 1/2 hours in a dark park with somebody whom you usually wouldn't even meet up with for a second time out of principle - but fuck principles, I've given them up long ago anyway.

I've been thinking about the happy-go-lucky version of me, too. It sounds so, so tempting. You know, prance through life with not a care in the world. Tell everyone to fuck off with their worries and problems. Truth is, it's not that easy. I may be egocentric - this whole world is, anyway - but I can't just shut off everything. Despite everything I see what's going on around me and I can't turn away from it.

Example (for the egocentric character of our fellow citizens): There were two guys fighting in the school yard during the 10:00 break. One guy was pretty upset and really beating the other one up. And what did the other students do? Go on, make a guess. Bingo. Nothing. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody thought of trying to separate them. I wasn't there personally because I was talking to LR in the hallway, but then some classmates told me about it. Even they said they should have done something, but at the time they "just didn't know how to react". I'm not saying that I don't believe them. I'd probably be quite shocked too, actually. But come on, at least one of those students could have called a teacher if they didn't have the courage to step in themselves.

It's an important - though not very flattering - characteristic of us humans: we're much too egocentric, and that makes us cowards, too. The basic mentality is "this doesn't concern me, I'm sure someone else will do it for me". Bullshit. No-one will move so much a s a finger unless it's yourself. Simple.

And most people who prey on others (in any way, even if it's the local 'thugs' cornering a girl coming home after school) are scared away by merely someone stepping in and saying something. They'reused to people looking away and not caring, so that's what they expect, of course. Change that. Go up to them. They'll be confused and will back away. I've tried it and it works, so I'm not just giving you readers a moral lecture here.

So yeah, so much for Hypocrisy of Society 101.

/P.

nice guys finish last

Either I attract assholes, or they attract me.
Whatever it is, all I seem to get is assholes. (that's what he said)
Seriously though, why is it that the good guys tend to be overlooked and the douche bags are the ones who get laid and stuff?
I mean, even in films and series and whatnot, nice guys finish last.
We women are just too ignorant.

/P.

Read me my Miranda rights

Today I want to say something about hypocrisy.

First of all, there will only be a handful of people (if not less) who will really take you serious in life. Most of them will wear a mask of seriousness and concern and whatnot but believe me it's all a lie. Of course it is. And we are all the same in this particular point. I may sometimes think that what my conversation partner is telling me is complete bullshit, but I will listen patiently and nod and pretend that I understand what they're saying. You may meet an old classmate on the street and when they come up to you you have to give up the hopes of being able to just walk past them and pretend you don't know them. You'll have to smile, probably hug, exchange common set phrases and then walk away under a pretext, all the while thinking that you've wasted precious time on some unimportant and maybe uncomfortable piece of your past.
Yes, we are all hypocrites to some degree. I know I am.

Old wisdom aside: Hello there, ex-classmates, friends, enemies (...?). I heard you read this.
Oh dear, I'll have to hold my tongue now. No more ranting about everything (everyone). Not that I do, really. Okay I do.
And here again we have the proof to my old and ever repeated rant: I am bound by society. Out of fear of my status (haha), my dignity (what is dignity anyway?)... you get my point. I hope.

Back to hypocrisy:
I think you all know, my dear readers of whom I know now, where I am aiming.
You just love this, don't you. You feast yourselves on me, you pine to devour every last word I write. For shame. Have you nothing better to do in you lives?
Oh, but it's you who chose to make your so-called diary public, you may tell me now. Oh yes. It was my choice. But it's your choice whether you resist the temptation. Oh you silly, silly children, so desperate for other people's thoughts, words, lives because yours isn't enough. Tut tut.
I may sound reproachful. But I'm the same! It's only natural, so calm down, don't be upset. We're all in the same boat. Why else would E's blog be so popular? We just crave to know every last bit of each scandal, each problem, each emotion. The sweetness of the fact that it's happening to someone else, not us. That we can just sit and watch and enjoy the show. You know I'm right.
So if you see me in the hallway and choose to say 'hello' or 'how's your new class' or 'I miss you' etc, remember that I know you know.

I've probably made myself some enemies now, sounding aloof and all that. It makes it worse because - at least in some points - I'm right. People don't like to be proven wrong or guilty. Not that you should feel guilty, of course. Please, don't. Guilt is one of the worst things one can feel. Especially when it's only right to feel it. I know because I've been forgiven my ignorance and egoism more than once by a person who should have turned her back on me ages ago for what I've done (yes, sweetheart, I mean you).

/P.

inspired moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEsZheHrD2o&feature=plcp

As you know I have my ups and downs. Mostly in ten-minute intervals. Yeah.
But I'm determined to change this. There's no sense in succumbing to every mood/feeling that just happens to cross my way.
I'm too easily influenced by others. I can tell myself that I like someone a lot because they like me too, and believe it. I can be depressed the whole day by listening a sad song in the morning. I can be all high spirits after watching a little kid laugh on the way to school. But it's not good. Not healthy. Not nothing. It's just useless.
Therefore, I've conjured up three vital points that I have to keep in mind:

1. I will not live the life of others, nor will I feel dependent on or restricted by others/society. I will do what I want in life, I will achieve what I want, and if I don't succeed, at least I'll know I did my best. No more living in a golden cage.
2. I'm not a doll. I'm not something you can throw into a corner when bored and expect me to sit and wait quietly until you want me again.
3. I have my worth. There's no point in letting people use me or make me feel worthless, because I'm unique, special and proud to be what I am. And if I'm not proud, I should change what I am and become what I want to be.

Time to change.

/P.

taking it seriously

I told him to fuck off.
100 points for me.

Now that I'm technically free as a bird, it feels weird. The good kind of weird. No more commitment and stuff.

/P.

high on life

You know that feeling when you know somebody wants you and it makes you feel awesome about yourself?
You know that feeling when you taste a forbidden fruit and really really like it and want more?
You know that feeling when you want all of them to see you and only you?
This post has nothing to do with that feeling. :P

Bye.

/P.

good mood

Apparently I have the body of a goddess. At least according to some people who are gaga about some Paulina. Lawl.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood. Which is why I cleaned up my room today and plan on working out two times a week. And keeping a strict diet. Yay!!

My new class is loud and unfamiliar. I hope that I'll be able to get to remember all the names by Wednesday. I'm really bad at names. At least I know some people. Hah, GE is fun as always. Looks like SK missed him a lot ^^

And I'm broke. My handy is. Meh.

/P.