Sorry... Again

I know I haven't been here for too long. But writing stuff here just sometimes makes things go bad, so I guess I needed the break.

It's always hard to keep a secret from your closest friend. It's even harder to explain it when they find out by themselves. I simply hate that disappointed look that screams "Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were best friends!". What can I do? A secret is only a secret as long as you keep it to yourself, no matter how much I trust my friends. Lately there have been a lot of secrets to keep. Slowly I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one having privacy problems out here.

Some people never change. I know many people of that kind. Some of them I count as friends and want them to stay the way they are, some of them I count as acquaintances and pray to God that they will please change to the better some day, or even better, some time soon. It's not their reputation that makes me judge them or any other prejudices. It's their behavior in the past that makes me cautious around them and lets me think twice before saying or doing anything. One person in particular should change. He (yes, he) has so many sides to him that I'm not always sure which is the true one. Mostly I think it's the negative side, as wonderful as it were if he really was the nice guy. The worst thing about him is not his character though; it's the lies. I always find out in the end, and every time I've known since the beginning, but I still stick to him, because he makes me feel okay for once. No matter how it hurts to know the truth, it's hard for me to let go.
I think what captures me is his warmth. It's fake, that warmth, like a heat lamp instead of the sun. But it feels fine. I feel fine when I'm around him, I'm not that empty anymore. Despite what others think of me, I'm not such a happy person. I'm actually not okay at all. I'  could say something really kitschy now like "he's like the sun and I'm the flower" but that wouldn't be right. It's not like that. The flower and the sun live symbiotically. But in my case, I'm the flower in a dark room, and hes just a light bulb somewhere high above me, barely reachable, barely shining, barely even there.

Being depressed can really make my thoughts sound poetic. I wonder if the famous poets of our time were depressive or at least sad when they wrote their masterpieces. Sadness is such a beautiful thing, to think about it. It makes you deepest thoughts, desires and regrets come to the surface in a single salty drop from your eye. Sadness itself is poetry.

xxx

Truth or Fail

The truth can be painful sometimes, even though you knew what it was. In my case, I'm not completely sure what I feel. I'm not angry at E, not even at S. S is what I would call unworthy of thinking about. So here I am, trying to forget everything. And I will.
Being aware that somebody you loved, even if it was just for a few brief moments, never was yours, is painful, I admit. I admit that for a few seconds, it hurt. But then I thought of how I was treated by that person, and I have to say: I wasn't his either. I tried to be, I hoped I was wrong to doubt him, but no. So I am at fault too. Of course. Stupid boy. Used someone else for his sexual desires when the one he approached rejected him. That person being me, I'm really not surprised he actually cheated on me. Now that I think of it, I really am blind.
I'm not angry, I promise. Just disappointed in myself. I think hating others for something that cannot be changed makes no sense.
Either I tell the truth and accept the consequences, or I lie and then am haunted by the truth until it comes to the surface. One cannot hide from the past, it's impossible. That's why I've decided to be truthful to everyone about everything from now on. No more lies.

xxx
     pxy

Stuff

Oh, what a day... I'm absolutely sure by now that I fucked up my Physics test completely. I need to do something about this because I gotta keep my grades up, otherwise goodbye IB diploma! Shit.

I've started writing fan fiction. I really enjoy doing this, because I can just let my fantasy roam free to the corners of my brain and back, spreading ideas and stories all over the place. I already published a project and... guess what? 26 "author alerts", 22 "favorite stories", and over 30 reviews, all really positive, in just five days! YAY! Wow I feel really motivated. Hah the only problem is that my little group of fans wants some smut put into my fics, which is a matter I'm not sure about. I mean I'm not really aiming for an internet-porno-writer-career. Nah. So I'll stick to my lovey-dovey sticky bittersweet stories. Maybe one day I'll change my mind. Mi-au.

Aaand I finished watching Smallville, 2nd season. AWESOME! Loved it, absolutely loved it. But stupid Chloe thinks she has the right to snoop around in Clark's business, just because he managed to get together with Lana... I mean it wasn't exactly a secret he was in love with her! Sorry, fan's rant. My bad.

Maths test tomorrow... What to do.... *bites nails anxiously*
Imma go eat noodles. Unlike E, I simply adore eating instant noodle soup. Something I started doing after I started reading Naruto. He likes Ramen too. I guess I'm easily influenced by books I read and films I watch. Weird, though.
My fan fics are mostly about Naruto. I guess I'm starting to get obsessed about gay love and stuff. I think that if my readers want to read something about gay love, then okay, I'll give them what they want. It's not like the topic is tabu anymore. And I enjoy writing love stories. For once they don't end with everybody dying. And I've had enough experience and friends to tell me about their oh so wonderful relationships and sexual experiences and son on, and so forth. It's enough to write at least 50 stories.
I wonder why people come to me when they need somebody to talk to about their problems. I mean it's not as if I can keep a secret (excellent example: S). Okay, I've never told a soul about anything anyone has told me confidentially, especially if it's about their problems. I don't like gossiping about other people's pain in their lives. So maybe one can confide in me after all. But still, why me, and not a best friend? Some people who call me or just take me aside and tell me their sorrow are people I see on a daily basis, talk to sometimes, but never anything more. Maybe that's why, because they aren't afraid of changing my opinion about them, because I don't know them well enough, because they don't know me. Maybe. I'd really like to know though.

E told me she had something important to tell me. I wonder if it's about what think it is. See ya!

xxx
     pxy

Public Opinion

Today, as so many times before, L proved to me that she actually is crazier than I thought. It's a weird feeling. I know I act weird and crazy almost 24/7, but it's not the same when you have a friend doing exactly the same. Not that I'm ashamed for her; I think it's cool. She doesn't mind what others think of her and doesn't give a shit if people talk behind her back (they don't, but even if they did, it wouldn't matter). I sometimes wish I could be like that. Although I've always regarded myself as the independent type, that attitude of mine has slowly crumbled to the ground over the past two years. During OS, I was rather the outsider and preferred to mind my own business, as the people in my class weren't really fun in the first place (there were bitch fights every single day and it just wouldn't stop so what the hell, I felt securer when I was away from them). In addition, I was a rather silent type of person (nobody believes me when I tell them now!), chubby, the typical girl who has absolutely no life and dedicates her time to reading and learning. That's how I came to gymnasium. Here I found friends who were maturer and less rude and not so look-at-me-look-at-me-I'm-so-awesomely-coolish. I opened up. And with my opening up, the first problems came along. Not only did people actually know me and recognize me, they also didn't ignore me. This meant that I'd have to look better to be "agreeable company". And that meant that I had to look out for other people's opinions, not to dance out of line, be a good girl and go with the flow. It's a tragic thing actually, public opinion. There goes my idealistic view of a free mind. Whoosh, it's gone. Weee, down the slide. Down, down, down.
Now I look in the streets what people wear, what colors they choose, what brand they wear... Everything is gaining importance in my eyes. I don't go to one shop to buy clothes any longer - I raid every single shop in town just to find a matching T-shirt to the shorts I'd bought earlier that day. It's kinda scary. Maybe that's what they call teenage shopping-mania. Yay, wonderful. Ugh.

I made a poem about my thoughts today, just something small that came into my mind during sports.

When I sit there between friends
While discussing this and that
Laughing at the newest trends
Whining about being fat
Then I sometimes wonder
Why I'm doing this
I feel I'm going under
In this world going amiss
What is fashion, what is good
What is my opinion?
If I could scream I think I would
If not the public's dominion


xxx
     pxy

ESC

Omg! Denmark got 12 points from the Netherlands, and the lead singer was like "fuck! I wanna fuck you!" to the camera XD gotta love him ^^
Hah stupid gay guy from France didn't even bother to speak English. Stupid French Frog :P
Meh... I wanted Denmark to win, or at least Britain, but no, Azerbaijan won. S'okay, but still, I'm kinda disappointed.

xxx
      pxy

o..m..g..

How to be absolutely sure a person is a ultimate douche bag:
- he tells you he loves you exactly once
- he ignores you for 2 weeks
- he flirts around with other girls and checks if you were looking
- he pretends to be absolutely awesome
- he has many haters and nearly no friends
- he breaks up with you on Facebook

Yep, I'm single again. Not that it was a proper relationship in the first place. I was thinking of telling him in the face that he's a jerk and that I hate him on Monday, but he was quicker. Damn.
Not even the gayest, douchiest, biggest moron I know has ever broken up with anybody via Facebook. Well, they say there's always a first time for everything.
Aahh.... Single again... feels good. Now I don't have to worry about D anymore; I'm all his. 4 more weeks until the holidays... I can't wait!
On the other side, G is going away for a year and K is going back to Alaska.... I'll miss both of them, they're great guys.

xxx
     pxy

Random As Always

I know I promised myself to stop, but I really must say this: S has finally overdone it. He's hit the point where I don't accept any excuses or apologies anymore, no matter how desperate. I am not a desperate person, S. I can live without a boyfriend, especially when he has no balls and is as annoying and arrogant and sadistic as you. I can live without you. I've started to hate you lately. Is that what you wanted? Well, that's what you get anyways. One day I'm going to pay him back. Haha I can't really hold a grudge against anyone, no matter who they are or how bad they've hurt/angered me, but I can always make an exception.

I watched the ESC the other day, and I really liked the guy who sang for Sweden, he's cute, no worries about that, but his voice… uh-uh.

Hah the old geezer at the beginning made me doubt if I was really watching the ESC after all!

Israel's and Slovenia's women had awesome and powerful voices though.

Belgium was gay.

Moldavia scared the shit out of me with their hats.

The guys from Cyprus were kinda awkward with their ball-swinging woman who was totally out of place.

Estonia's gals were weird, their costumes were too.... sweet. Sticky sweet, the kitschy sweet type. Bah.

Belarus' singer didn't have the right voice to hit the high notes properly except during refrains, so her performance was only medium. Pity. She should try singing slow ballads, they would suit her voice much better, unlike that weird song.

During Latvia's performance, I could only see Danish flags waving in the background... and that attempt to rap... wtf?!

Now, the Danish band was... awesome. Seriously. Despite their brutish punk looks they sounded really cool and calm, with a slight pinch of excitement in the beat. Cool. Although the lead singer's sprint to the separate stage was kinda unnecessary. ^^

The twins from Ireland, Jedward: weird, funny. But the song was too twitchy.  I liked the costumes though... although I'm still not completely sure if those were dice on their sleeves oO They're really cute in their hyperactive state, maybe their energy makes their hair stand up that way... xD

Can't wait for the final... Feel your heart beat ;)

Ah damn I totally came off the subject I actually wanted to talk about... Never mind, another time.

xxx

      pxy